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Original poster

To consider private school

234 replies

HowManyDucks · 01/04/2025 23:58

I hesitated about putting this question to AIBU as I know it is a decisive issue on Mumsnet, but it is ultimately an AIBU so I've put my hard hat on.

I'm being very honest and am writing things that I would never say out loud. It's not humble brag. I am just trying to work out the best thing to do for DD (like every mum does).

Private school was not on my radar at all but I am a firm believer in parenting the child you have. I'm trying to work out whether sending to DD to a private school would actually be in her best interest or whether it is just trying to compensate for my own incredibly disappointing school experience.

Some context.
My brother was a maths whizz (getting As in a level maths and further maths age 14 without ever picking up a revision book). He never went to uni and 10 years after leaving school, works in Tesco. (Nothing wrong with that of course but so much wasted potential). I, on the other hand, was a bright (not exceptional like my brother) all rounder, think straight As at GCSE and A level. I was offered a music scholarship to a fancy private school but wasn't allowed to go. I resented this for a long time. I went to a bog standard secondary and hated every second of it. I would hate for DD to have to go through what I went though. Most of my classmates went into vocational jobs and apprenticeships after school instead of uni. I joined the military because I didn't this uni was for people from my background. So that's where I am coming from. I grew up in a single parent household, with an alcoholic mother where education was not prioritised. For her, private school was for posh people with more money than sense.

Fast forward to having DD. I am a single mum. DD is 13 months old. I'm getting ready to go back to work and so have been on the hunt for a nursery.

I understand that babies develop at different rates and that hitting milestones 's early doesn't correspond with intelligence. However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to hide how advanced my DD is and people are commenting a lot. She took her first steps at 7.5 months, walking confidently at 9. At 12 months had a vocabulary of 90+ words (only counting the words she used consistently and in context), could identify approx 10 shapes (like parallelogram and trapezium), she knows approx 20 letters of the alphabet (phonetically) and is pointing out letters when we are out and about. She can recognise some familiar words and is showing an interest in reading. She is excellent at following instructions, I talk to her like I would a five or six year old.
She is 13 months 🤦

After some recent threads about behaviour in primary schools i am increasingly worried about whether our local state schools would be best for her (not their fault but if course). Supporting SEND, managing behaviour, and helping all children achieve national average is a greater priority that stretching an able child. I live in London and moving is not an option. I am asking these questions now as local private schools have long waiting lists (some encourage parent s to register from birth).

I am in a position where I could afford private school for a couple of years. At the moment I am thinking of paying for her to attend a local private school with the view of applying for a scholarship place if she proves to be academically able in the future. I wouldn't be able to afford her whole schooling at a private school.

I appreciate my post is long so I will stop here but happy to answer any specific questions.

Final thing. I have no idea about how the private system works and am just starting to get my head around it. Id really appreciate to hear other people's experience (I know their are a lot of mumsnetters with children at private school).

OP posts:
Original poster
HowManyDucks · 02/04/2025 00:22

pbdr · 02/04/2025 00:15

I think responses are going to be very skewed by people’s feelings about private schools, rather than a genuine consideration as to whether a private school is in your particular child’s best interests. Bear in mind a significant proportion of Mumsnet are opposed on principle to private schools, and many more feel resentful that some children have access to a private education when it is not a realistic affordable option for their child, and may automatically say you are unreasonable for considering private school for those reasons.

Would pre- registering for a local private school require any kind of deposit/ financial commitment? If not, there’s nothing to lose by putting her name down to buy yourself more time to decide. Personally I’m a believer in doing whatever you can as a parent to give your child the best educational opportunities possible, and if local to you that means a private school, and you can afford that without having to restrict other areas of your lifestyle excessively then I’d be seriously considering it. Is there any chance you will have more children in the future? Would you be able to afford private school for them too if so? I would think very carefully before offering an opportunity like that to one child and not their siblings as that is a recipe for resentment.

Thanks for this. You make a good point but I'm one and absolutely done. Can I afford private school? No, not at all! It would take up my entire salary!
My current circumstances, however, which I won't go into now, mean that I can pay the fees possible for nursery and reception and possibly year 1 at which point I would be moving to an area with better state schools.

OP posts:
XelaM · 02/04/2025 00:19

An advanced 13-month-old is not really an indication of future academic ability.

My brother has First Class STEM degrees from Cambridge and Harvard (the latter on a full scholarship) but you wouldn't have been able to tell when he was 5 (or 13 months old) that he was in any way advanced. He matured much later at secondary school.

If she's that smart by the time she's in years 5&6 she can sit the super selective grammar exams. No need to go private. (Saying this as the mother of a kid who has been privately educated since reception and is now doing her GCSES - I'm just counting down the days to be able to send her to a state sixth form).

RatedDoingMagic · 02/04/2025 00:17

You are not being unreasonable to consider it but the rationale in your op doesn't have a lot to suggest it's necessary.

You childhood experiences and your brother's suggest you may be a genetically neurodiverse family, do you think that's possible?

You really can't tell at 13 months which children are genuinely gifted and which are simply doing their milestones at the right time for them but with no long-term acceleration. In most primary schools there's no detectable difference between the cohort of "early" talkers/walkers/readers etc vs the cohort of "late" once they get to y3/4. Your description of how amazingly talented your 13mo is doesn't prove she is a genius (though I am sure she is wonderful)

Accelerating a child's learning eg by getting them to A-Level at age 14 is often damaging. Putting a child into a hothouse of academic drive can destroy their emotional wellbeing.

And frankly if you can't comfortably afford private school for 14 years you would be very foolish to blow your money on private in the earliest years. Scholarships are rarely possible before y7.

I would keep her in state education, at least for now, but save as hard as you can. Depending on how much you can save AND how she develops, you might consider moving to private for y7, y9 or y12.

Original poster
HowManyDucks · 02/04/2025 00:16

Thanks for your reply.
My thoughts were private for early years because because I had already saved some for nursery fees and the schools I am looking at do have 15 free hours and vat doesn't apply. They are more structured with some academic curriculum which I am sure would challenge DD. Somewhat ironically, the tuition fees are actually less than a full time place at many local nurseries.

In a few years I may be able to move in which case I would go to an area with good state/possibly grammar schools. Or applying for a secondary scholarship place but that is all further down the line.

My worry is that if she is reading before school that she will just be sat in the classroom bored.

OP posts:
pbdr · 02/04/2025 00:15

I think responses are going to be very skewed by people’s feelings about private schools, rather than a genuine consideration as to whether a private school is in your particular child’s best interests. Bear in mind a significant proportion of Mumsnet are opposed on principle to private schools, and many more feel resentful that some children have access to a private education when it is not a realistic affordable option for their child, and may automatically say you are unreasonable for considering private school for those reasons.

Would pre- registering for a local private school require any kind of deposit/ financial commitment? If not, there’s nothing to lose by putting her name down to buy yourself more time to decide. Personally I’m a believer in doing whatever you can as a parent to give your child the best educational opportunities possible, and if local to you that means a private school, and you can afford that without having to restrict other areas of your lifestyle excessively then I’d be seriously considering it. Is there any chance you will have more children in the future? Would you be able to afford private school for them too if so? I would think very carefully before offering an opportunity like that to one child and not their siblings as that is a recipe for resentment.

LuubyLuu · 02/04/2025 00:12

You would be way better at this stage making changes such that you move to an area with better state schooling - whether grammar or otherwise.

sageGreen81 · 02/04/2025 00:08

Hello. Do you know what years you’d send her? Not early years? If you can afford two years then you’re looking at year 5 & 6 which is some way off.

scholarships tend to be 10-15% max, so if you got a music scholarship then it would not have covered your fees.

Bursaries are more generous. Up until year 4 you need to support your daughter to have diverse interests out of school, including music and sport, take her to parks and museums. Read to her every day, fill her world with books and play!

lego, play doh, craft, music, etc etc

please be mindful of inflation. You will not get a scholarship or bursary for a prep school, it’s very unlikely so you’d pay for a couple of years of prep to get her into a senior school on a bursary,

Original poster
HowManyDucks · 02/04/2025 00:04

Xiaoxiong · 02/04/2025 00:02

I wouldn't post on AIBU about this as responses might not be so helpful as you navigate this choice - I'd consider reposting in Private Schools or Education!

Thanks, I did worry about that.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 02/04/2025 00:02

I wouldn't post on AIBU about this as responses might not be so helpful as you navigate this choice - I'd consider reposting in Private Schools or Education!

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