Page 2 | I've overreacted with my 13 year old and feel awful

Neitherherenorthere1 · 2025-04-01T20:30:52+00:00

I feel awful. Just need validation or putting me in my place which I already know. Please be gentle but honest. I have two DD 13 and 10 and their dad sees the EOW and some days in each holiday period. DD13 recently posted on her status a pic of her and DD10 with their dad and new wife and children. She's never posted one of me and our family unit (also consisting of step dad and new sibling). I felt hurt and spoke to her about it which escalated and I gt overly emotional and just said it can be quite upsetting for me and makes me feel a certain way. she has posted previously about her dad and said new family and normally doesn't bother me but I check her phone regularly and came across a convo with her dad and her and she's send pics of stuff I brought her to him asking for his approval and it just bugged me as he never thought I was good enough and had good taste and now it seems she's in the same page ... she only wore the terms I purchased for her after dad okayed them. I feel useless and insignificant in her life despite doing everything for her and prioritising her and my family always. i think I took it out on her my feelings by focusing on the status a bit too much and she called me jealous. My DH says I will push her away with my emotional over sharing with her but I feel like I've failed her and I'm losing her to her dad. I feel like a terrible mum who should be in check with my emotions. Help please Amy way to recover from this. I did apologise and cry and say sorry this is my issue nothing you did and I will work on my over sensitivity and over sharing. We both cried but I think I've ruined it,

Original poster

Neitherherenorthere1 · 01/04/2025 21:48

lifemakeover · 01/04/2025 21:47

I know this is going to sound harsh but you need to be the parent here. All this confronting and crying and drama is too much. Your DD needs you to be the calm, confident grown up, not someone acting like another teenager. As a PP said, find someone else for emotional support and to offload to, not your poor daughter.

Harsh is good and I agree. I messed up.

OP posts:

lifemakeover · 01/04/2025 21:47

I know this is going to sound harsh but you need to be the parent here. All this confronting and crying and drama is too much. Your DD needs you to be the calm, confident grown up, not someone acting like another teenager. As a PP said, find someone else for emotional support and to offload to, not your poor daughter.

Original poster

Neitherherenorthere1 · 01/04/2025 21:44

Autumn38 · 01/04/2025 21:42

One way to fix it would be to say to her ‘you know what, you called it absolutely right, I was jealous in the moment. I absolutely need to work on that as it’s great you have a good relationship with Dad as well as me. I’m so proud of you for being able to cope with having two families so well’.

Also be kind to yourself - you aren’t imagining how hard the situation is- it really is. Sharing her with another family - heart wrenching. Of course you were jealous, of course! Who wouldn’t be. You are her mum though - she has only got one and it’s you. As she gets to be a woman, she’ll see how important that is, more and more. Just stay present and loving for her now and it will come right.

Thankyou so much for this. I'm crying just reading the responses. I just feel like I'm losing her and I don't know how to stop her from going so far away... she's my first born and I have to share her with her dad and have huge milestones without her. .

OP posts:

Eenameenadeeka · 01/04/2025 21:44

It sounds like you need some help working through your feelings, but she is not responsible for them and she is not the person to talk to about it. She is entitled to a good relationship with her father, and she shouldn't have to deal with you being upset about that. Loving her Dad and his family doesn't mean she doesn't love you and yours, but if you make it into a big issue she will suffer and it will probably harm your relationship with her.

tarheelbaby · 01/04/2025 21:44

And here is how social media is making teens' (and others of all ages) lives difficult.
This sounds like a terribly difficult time for all of you. Give her lots of hugs.

TeenLifeMum · 01/04/2025 21:42

Teenage girls desperately want validation from their dads. They don’t seek it from their mums because they feel they already have unconditional love from us. It’s very normal. I think it’s okay to be honest about feelings being hurt but it does sound like you took it too far. You’ve said sorry so move on so you allow dd to move on too.

Autumn38 · 01/04/2025 21:42

One way to fix it would be to say to her ‘you know what, you called it absolutely right, I was jealous in the moment. I absolutely need to work on that as it’s great you have a good relationship with Dad as well as me. I’m so proud of you for being able to cope with having two families so well’.

Also be kind to yourself - you aren’t imagining how hard the situation is- it really is. Sharing her with another family - heart wrenching. Of course you were jealous, of course! Who wouldn’t be. You are her mum though - she has only got one and it’s you. As she gets to be a woman, she’ll see how important that is, more and more. Just stay present and loving for her now and it will come right.

Original poster

Neitherherenorthere1 · 01/04/2025 21:42

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/04/2025 21:40

She’s trying to navigate two new step parents and two new half siblings. And she’s 13. She’s doing her best.

Listen to your husband, he knows you and he can see what’s going on. Find a better way to process your stuff about your ex that doesn’t involve your kids - rant to a mate, write a diary, pay a therapist. I know you already feel bad but there’s a lot of justification in your post of your behaviour towards her. She’s a passenger in the huge life decisions you’ve made that she’s already dealing with and can’t control and you’ve given her a load of shit about a photo. That’s incredibly unfair, hurtful, childish. You’re the parent.

Thankyou. I needed to hear this... how do I fix it?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/04/2025 21:40

She’s trying to navigate two new step parents and two new half siblings. And she’s 13. She’s doing her best.

Listen to your husband, he knows you and he can see what’s going on. Find a better way to process your stuff about your ex that doesn’t involve your kids - rant to a mate, write a diary, pay a therapist. I know you already feel bad but there’s a lot of justification in your post of your behaviour towards her. She’s a passenger in the huge life decisions you’ve made that she’s already dealing with and can’t control and you’ve given her a load of shit about a photo. That’s incredibly unfair, hurtful, childish. You’re the parent.

Original poster

Neitherherenorthere1 · 01/04/2025 21:38

Tiswa · 01/04/2025 21:37

First off you haven’t ruined it she is your daughter and she is behaving with you like a teenage daughter

that said you are looking st it wrongly she is feeling exactly what you felt with him never good enough and is desperate for his approval and rather than working on that with her you have made it a little about you.

Thankyou for this. I didn't see it like this...

OP posts:

Tiswa · 01/04/2025 21:37

First off you haven’t ruined it she is your daughter and she is behaving with you like a teenage daughter

that said you are looking st it wrongly she is feeling exactly what you felt with him never good enough and is desperate for his approval and rather than working on that with her you have made it a little about you.

Rockfordpeach · 01/04/2025 21:34

You haven't ruined anything but its obviously not ideal to put her in the position of feeling guilty about having a relationship with her father. I think you do need to really consider the way she will feel being placed in such an uncomfortable position by you in the future. Its done now, youve apologised so time to move forward and be more mindful in future