I've overreacted with my 13 year old and feel awful

Oh bless you. I do think you've been unreasonable, but I really do get it. I won't go into all the details of my life, but there was a lot of tension between DC's dad and me when we were doing shared care. He was pretty nasty to me on several occasions.

I tried not to let it affect me, but there were a couple of occasions DC saw me crying over it. I regret it hugely, but it's happened now. I really understand how this could set you off.

I do think she needs to have her own relationship with her father that is entirely separate to you. It's important that she has that because she only has the one dad. As much as possible, try not to play best parent in any way. You'll always be mum and no one can take that away from you x

I think if OP was doing this all the time I’d agree with you, but in the context of an isolated event I think it’s probably a bit harsh to describe this as emotional blackmail. It’s normal and healthy to have emotions. Of course we always try to hold our composure around our children, but unless you are cold hard stone, occasionally you are going to express the fact that you feel upset. OP has since reflected on it and owned it. This has demonstrated to her daughter that she is human and has feelings. It’s also demonstrated how to take ownership and apologise.

I really think we need to be careful to not demonise mothers for being emotional around their children. OP has recognised herself that this is a pattern she doesn’t want to repeat, hence writing this post.

She sounds insecure and no wonder with her dad being so judgemental and controlling.

Teach her to have more confidence in herself. She doesn't need her dad's validation.
This is where you modelling self confidence is enormously helpful at this age. Show her it doesn't matter how you dress as long as you dress for yourself, not for any parent or man.
Especially not for any man.

Allow her to make her own choices and feel good about them.

How old is your baby OP? Are you feeling okay in yourself the rest of the time?

You are her primary parent, her safe space, the reliable one in the background she can always count on. He’s the one she only sees EOW (why so little?) and she has to earn her place with. Her life is with you, he has built his life elsewhere with someone else and she has to try to fit in with that. I suspect she’s chasing after his approval because she’s chasing after his love, whereas she knows she’s got yours. Does that make sense? Tell her you’re sorry for being so silly and you love her to bits and she’s always got you. Stop worrying about which photos she chooses to publicise. It’s well known that people will often use social media to portray their life a certain way. Maybe she’s trying to prove she has a relationship with her dad. She doesn’t have to prove a relationship with you because you’re the parent who is actually raising her.

The "absent" parent is always flavour of the month by definition!

What you are giving her is solid and consistent love and support, day in day out. She will appreciate it one day I promise you.

She does not post photos of you cos you are always there - you are background noise - but also her rock that does not need comment - you are just there, which is what she needs. You are not the EOW novelty - you are the basis of her life. The person who is truly bringing her up.

You know your dd best but based on the limited info you’ve posted, it sounds like she’s chasing her dad’s approval because of some sort of insecurity rather than going to him because she genuinely thinks that he has good taste.
You mentioned that he would make you feel like you’re not good enough and your dd could be chasing the “good enough” status by asking him for approval because she feels like she’s not good enough. The photos also look like an attempt to get her dad’s approval.

She doesn’t do it with you because she feels more secure with you.

in your shoes I’d stop reading her dad chats.

The other thing is parenting is hard because it is about letting go - letting them find their own way and hope that that means that they come back at some point

This. Absolutely this. Your anxieties and insecurities are absolutely not your daughter's problem. You need to stop laying your worries at her feet, and stop with the crying and emotional blackmail FFS. It's incredibly selfish and incredibly self indulgent of you.

I was the same age as your DD when my Mum started oversharing with me and using me as an emotional crutch. I hated it. It made me feel panicky and trapped. And then I felt incredibly guilty for feeling that way. It was a horrible time and made me vow I would never subject my own children to such selfish behaviour. And I never have.

I don't agree with complete phone privacy at age 13. No way. And I'm a stickler for privacy.

OP absolutely should trawl through it. But respond the right way.

OP I feel you have to be careful here. I sense your vulnerability and eagerness to be acceptable to your kids could be really taken advantage of. If your ex was difficult and took advantage of this, there's a risk your daughter could.

Be more assertive and less desperate so to speak.

I've fallen into the place you're in plenty of times. It can lead to manipulation from your own kids and an ex who will feed that, even in the most subtle ways. People might find this hard to believe but these dynamics can happen unfortunately.

Yes. This is a social media problem OP. Have you considered actually coming away from it? Totally come away and communicate directly with people in your life through WhatsApp?

I can't begin to tell you the improvement to your stress and emotional well being.

This stuff is poisonous and toxic.

I think it's a huge disservice to ever call anyone, especially yourself too sensitive. This is a term used in negative ways to shut people down. I can tell you are somewhat vulnerable and you have to be careful that isn't used against you.

It's also not your job to fix anything!

You know what I'd do - I'd say quite matter of fact to your daughter that sometimes Social Media can be emotive, and you reacted to that in the moment feeling unappreciated for what you do. I'd try not be too emotional about it but more matter of fact.

I understand your feelings so much. I have a difficult child, I'm forever guilty and getting upset inside and sometimes I show it. I think it isn't protective of yourself to do that. Maybe really think about coming away from SM and encouraging your kids to be more mindful of privacy and posting family pics. It's a minefield I just have no time for and that helps me.

I’m not entirely sure that a 13 year olds text messages should be private from a parent. Especially if her father has a tendency to be critical and controlling. I’d want to keep an eye on that.

I think you need to be kinder to yourself. You felt an emotion, expressed it, then reflected on her perspective and have apologised. You haven’t damaged her and she will be ok. See it as an opportunity to talk openly about how you feel and highlight how amazing you think she is for juggling this situation.

Part of me does wonder what kind of dynamic he has created where she feels she needs his approval to wear things you have purchased. And obviously your confidence has been bashed by him in the past so you feel sensitive to him still ‘critiquing’ you.

Thank goodness you aren’t with him anymore!

You can’t fix what happened but you can do better going forward. You’re burdening her with the responsibility of making you feel secure and it’s all backwards. You’re supposed to be making her feel secure.

I understand you check her phone but reading the messages to her dad seems like an invasion of her privacy.You didn’t just come across those you read them deliberately.

I just wanted to respond to you because I know EXACTLY how you feel and I have made similar mistakes.

my son is 13 and his dad was a lazy, angry man a lot of the time. But very assertive and commanding of attention.

Ive noticed my son really wants his approval / really admires him. He has screen savers of his dad / new step mum / new baby brother and none of me!! I asked him about it once too!! He also begged for a pair of trainers which I bought him for Xmas, took them to his dads where it was unilaterally decided they don’t fit.

I feel like I ran myself ragged to be the best mum I could be, demonstrating myself as a weak, scruffy, servant in the process - and missing the chance to show the successful, career focused, smart and creative person I am. My son just doesn’t seem to see me like he sees his dad. Even though his dad was actually feckless for a lot of our marriage.

ANYHOO - I was ANGRY for a long time. Not with him, with the situation, his dad, myself. But the anger would often spill over into a squabble with him or me getting upset with him.

in the end I had counselling which was AMAZING. I also started HRT which stopped me obsessing over everything all the time. And I realised with all the news about young boys needing their dads / positive male role models, that actually his dad mysteriously transforming into a god was a good thing for my son & therefore something I needed to be happy for.

it’s helped.

maybe some of these things could help you. But more than anything I just wanted to say I totally empathise with that fear and loss. It’s so painful.

Try to reframe. It’s improved my relationship w my son really quickly!!

massive hugs to you xxxxx

No you haven’t ruined it but it definitely can’t happen again. You sound like a hormonal teenager! Social media is not real life!
But I think you know that. Draw a line under it.

Oh OP I get it - am a single parent. But you must never do this again. Apologise and explain you were totally unreasonable and your feelings are yours and all you care about is her happiness. My parents did similar and it is horrible and hard to shake off as you get older, worrying about how everyone feels. Please put this behind you but put a smile on and deal with your feelings elsewhere

This post is very insightful.

Listen OP, you have given her shit about the Facebook post which wasn't ideal but was also understandable - forgive yourself, as she will not doubt forgive you.

But the thing that stands out to me is, it's fucking weird for a 13 year old (I have one and also work with them) to ask for their dad's approval in order to wear an item of clothing..... It sounds like she feels controlled by him in some way? Anxious and desperate to please him?

Because this here is the big problem and the one that needs resolving. Why did she do that?. Frankly it's fucking weird by anybody's standards. (Thought without going onto too much detail as I don't feel comfortable doing So, it's not a millionaire n miles away from something my own DD has struggled with with her dad, who can be controlling). So if you can, give her space and understanding to talk about it. It would be a start at least.

Exactly this, she craves his approval. It's fairly common for kids to seek some sort of connection or validation from a parent they rarely see and EOW is rarely seeing him. I know there's school holidays, but he doesn't play much of a role in their day to day life. My middle DS has taken his dads side and I know from my other kids (I don't ask) that he's saying sometimes very horrible things about me when at his dads. But I know he loves me and I know he is seeking something like approval or connection or even safety in my case, xh is emotionally abusive. Yes it hurts, but it's my job as their parent to carry those burdens without putting my emotional responses on to them. He also repeats lies ex has said and I do gently correct them if they're about something factual. You haven't ruined it, but moving forward you do need to found an outlet or a way to cope without putting your feelings onto your DD and without catastrophising which is what you're doing here thinking you've ruined everything.