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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my husband acted awfully

132 replies

WHYohwhy12 · 01/04/2025 20:53

Basically found out last week surprise pregnancy. He said it's my body so up to me tho he doesn't want any more kids. Anyway then I have bleeding. Booked to have a scan today. They told me yesterday I was having one today. He said " I was tempted to book it off work" but he didn't ok.

But then I didn't hear from him till he came home from work. The scan was bad news. He works in a office and had a lunch break but didn't message me anything
He keeps saying he's at work so he can't just text me, and on his lunch he met with a colleague he manages, to chat cos they've been upset lately. He meets with him every week one lunch. I asked why he didn't meet him a different day and he says nothing. Then it turns out this man asked him if he wanted to play badminton so that's what he was doing at lunch whilst I was finding out I was having a miscarriage. He keeps sayinv he was at work so doesn't think about me..

Not even when this happens?? He didn't even tell me about the badminton,I found it out. I just think it's pretty shitty but he's still arguing that he did nothing wrong cos he was working and in lunch whilst playing badminton he was talking through now this bloke is getting stressed at work.

I feel like I'm going mad

OP posts:
Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 02/04/2025 08:42

He completely checked out emotionally from you and from the situation. Can you go and stay with family for a couple of days?

He needs to realise how badly he’s behaved and try to make things right. Otherwise I’m not sure there’s a future in this marriage honestly because he’s behaved as though he doesn’t care about you at all.

AInightingale · 02/04/2025 08:37

So he has a caring and empathetic face which he shows to the wider world, but your feelings don't matter.. It actually sounds like emotional abuse. And I am sorry to ask this, but are you 100% sure that this colleague he is 'supporting' is a man?

Chezxx · 02/04/2025 08:35

He is a prick.
Please talk to Women's aid for advice and support.
Do not get pregnant again, not with this awful man.

You know he's awful.
Time to start planning how you get yourself out of this.
It will take time, but you can do it, if you reach out for support.
Wishing you well.

AgentJohnson · 02/04/2025 08:32

From what you’ve written I’m guessing although shocked, you’re not entirely surprised by his behaviour. Focus now on getting through the next couple of days but after you really do need to be asking yourself some very hard questions about your marriage and your financial position.

Imbusytodaysorry · 02/04/2025 08:30

@WHYohwhy12 he is a poor excuse for a husband

Does your mum have a spare room ?
If so id go there . Start building your life around her soon enough child will be in school and you can get back to full time work.
Mr I am at work will Have to pay maintenance.

You and your child deserve better

DearBee · 02/04/2025 08:28

TheHerboriste · 02/04/2025 01:45

I agree.

What agreement is in place regarding contraception?

Tbh I’ve had early miscarriages. It needn’t be a huge drama.

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Ah, I see my MIL has hit the thread... newsflash: just because your particular experience wasn't hugely upsetting to you, doesn't mean everyone else feels the same.

A lot of women find miscarriage deeply distressing. The least OP should be able to expect from her husband is that he supports her during tough times.

Somanyoption · 02/04/2025 08:28

“He's always been a bit suspect”

and yet you though ideal to marry and have children with?

Somanyoption · 02/04/2025 08:27

How many children do you have with him op?
this issue aside, this marriage is far from happy?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2025 08:22

He is awful first go do this and second to not apologize and gaslight you . He has shown his true colours I don't think he be caring for you if you're ill in your old age

Livingbytheocean · 02/04/2025 08:22

Don’t have anymore children op. I know how painful this has been. You will only saddle yourself down further with more children. A driving license and a good job is what you need. Or you could end up trapped forever.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 02/04/2025 08:18

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 02/04/2025 08:11

Not if you want a partner.

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That's the definition of choice.

Livingbytheocean · 02/04/2025 08:17

Op use this moment as a springboard.
Use the time you have now to start restraining for a proper profession, even if you have to cut your hours down further still. Use the useless excuse of a dh to cover the costs. I’d be lining up a fresh start and a new life for later.

Start taking driving lessons. You have a way to go, but you urgently need your independence. Don’t put it off.

Make some close and long lasting friends. Time now for you to stop focusing elsewhere, and start thinking about what you need for the future because he is not going to be there for you next time either.

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 02/04/2025 08:11

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 02/04/2025 07:33

Single. That's the third choice.

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Not if you want a partner.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 02/04/2025 07:37

TomatoesForKing · 01/04/2025 21:46

You can make this the thing that ends your marriage or you can manage it and move on. Things to remember

  1. it was an accidental pregnancy, not planned
  2. he said he doesn't want more kids
  3. he also said it was up to you

Wow, what a breathtaking lack of empathy.

Flamingoknees · 02/04/2025 07:33

He has a complete lack of empathy, towards you. You were bottom of his priorities.
Looking forward, how do you think he would behave if you became seriously ill?
I'm sorry for your loss, and hope you can seek support from someone else in RL, OP 💐

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 02/04/2025 07:33

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 02/04/2025 07:05

Oh God if only there was a third choice instead of just lesbianism or men.

Single. That's the third choice.

Easipeelerie · 02/04/2025 07:30

Imagine this was your friend. He’s no friend and he doesn’t have your back. And badminton man, is that actually a man?

GinandRunning · 02/04/2025 07:29

BlondeMummyto1 · 02/04/2025 07:27

He doesn’t care because he didn’t want it.

Wow! Your compassion is overwhelming…

BlondeMummyto1 · 02/04/2025 07:27

He doesn’t care because he didn’t want it.

SnugMintFawn · 02/04/2025 07:21

WilfredsPies · 01/04/2025 23:07

Things that appear to have gone sailing right over the top of your fucking head:

  1. His wife was having a miscarriage and needed his support
  2. His wife was having a miscarriage and needed his support
  3. His wife was having a miscarriage and needed his support

OP, I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss 💐 I hope you manage to find a way to leave.

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This comment is perfect 👏👏👏

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. 💐

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 02/04/2025 07:12

LJ125 · 01/04/2025 23:17

I’m so sorry, I accidentally clicked YABU when you very obviously aren’t! I’m sorry for your loss and sorry that he’s not been any support at all for you X

You can change your vote when you’ve clicked wrong. 😊

Deathraystare · 02/04/2025 07:10

Cerealkiller9000 · 01/04/2025 22:12

-10000000% he should of supported you with this

not playing badminton

km so sorry

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Am I wrong to think there is more than badminton going on with the guy???

I don't know how you come back from this. I would feel very bitter. I would have to leave him.

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 02/04/2025 07:05

Oh God if only there was a third choice instead of just lesbianism or men.

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 02/04/2025 07:02

Cnidarian · 01/04/2025 21:35

Leave him. That is cruel and callous. I'm so sorry and hope that you are OK 💐

I would leave after this. I could never love or respect or even look at him.

LTB.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 02/04/2025 06:39

This isn't right. DH has a high pressure, busy job so he doesn't message much, if I message him about something he may read it but not reply. It's fine, it comes with the job. But if he knew I needed him (in that kind of sense), whether he had the heads up I might before he went or I called (only call if it's warranted, so he will answer) he would drop everything.

He's your husband. Your partner in life. He absolutely should have been at least thinking about you through this if he genuinely couldn't be with you.