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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want her in my house

241 replies

Doornon · 01/04/2025 17:22

We just moved house and it was complete carnage. Short notice couldn’t get movers. Couldn’t get much time off work. Our house is beyond a bombsite. Step children mum will be picking them up this week and I know the kids will want to show her around, it is their home so I feel I can’t object but I really don’t want her in this early while it’s in this state looking round the rooms. It feels so invasive and so private to me while it’s so disorganised and I have said to DP I know it’s exciting but there is nothing to see but complete mess. Plus my own family have not even visited here before I will have this woman I don’t really know nosing about. AIBU to be bothered by this and ask DP not to or just suck it up for the kids sake

OP posts:
Original poster
Doornon · 01/04/2025 18:23

It’s not a big backstory I just don’t know her, apart from to say hi. We aren’t friends so it’s like having a stranger in my house. We moved yesterday. You know you might invite a neighbour in to your hallway for a chat if they knock but you don’t really say oh come on up to my bedroom to see all my stuff all over the place. The kids room is the worst room it’s not set up at all and they have destroyed it with clothes within a few hours and don’t have beds yet. I do worry she might judge DP for not having the kids set up sorted out yet as that’s particularly dreadful

OP posts:
handsdownthebest · 01/04/2025 18:22

Just tell them, she can see their new house when she drops them back. By then you will be a bit more sorted.

Somanyoption · 01/04/2025 18:20

GlennCloseButNoCigar · 01/04/2025 18:12

Nope!

Show quote history

Me and my ex

in fact I came in for a coffee last weekend

Rattai · 01/04/2025 18:19

I would say no to them showing her around until you are tidied.
At a push i would insist that only their rooms were shown

MJxJones · 01/04/2025 18:17

But you havnt told your partner yet ? Why dont you just ask him to tell the kids that mum can see their rooms once the house is unpacked? Do you think he will say no?

Gloriia · 01/04/2025 18:15

Just pick drop them home after contact visits, need for her to come in to your house at all.

GlennCloseButNoCigar · 01/04/2025 18:12

SallyD00lally · 01/04/2025 18:11

You've seriously never heard of co-parents getting on well enough not to leave each other standing on the doorstep when they pick the kids up? Confused

Show quote history

Nope!

SallyD00lally · 01/04/2025 18:11

GlennCloseButNoCigar · 01/04/2025 18:08

From the other side of the coin. In no reality ever, would I want to step foot into my ex’s and his partners home. I couldn’t think of anything worse lol. Is this the done thing? I’ve never heard of it happening before.

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You've seriously never heard of co-parents getting on well enough not to leave each other standing on the doorstep when they pick the kids up? Confused

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 01/04/2025 18:10

I get where you’re coming from because I’m quite a private person. But if she chooses to see the bedroom where her ex is having sex with his new partner it’s her head that image will be stuck in. I think it will be harder for her than you.

Kitchensinktoday · 01/04/2025 18:10

FatLarrysBanned · 01/04/2025 17:26

It would be a cold day in hell before I'd let DP's ex step over my threshold. When the kids pay the mortgage they can decide who gets an invite. You may be more charitable than me and extend an invite when things are a little more organised...

Totally agree!

GlennCloseButNoCigar · 01/04/2025 18:08

FatLarrysBanned · 01/04/2025 17:26

It would be a cold day in hell before I'd let DP's ex step over my threshold. When the kids pay the mortgage they can decide who gets an invite. You may be more charitable than me and extend an invite when things are a little more organised...

From the other side of the coin. In no reality ever, would I want to step foot into my ex’s and his partners home. I couldn’t think of anything worse lol. Is this the done thing? I’ve never heard of it happening before.

Somanyoption · 01/04/2025 18:05

This woman is probably not that interested in your room or your kids room but like you say, her children are excited so she will humour them because that’s what you do.

oh I wouldn’t assume she won’t be interested!

CopperWhite · 01/04/2025 18:04

You’re being a bit silly. This woman is probably not that interested in your room or your kids room but like you say, her children are excited so she will humour them because that’s what you do.

Like you said, it’s their home too so it’s irrelevant that your family haven’t seen it yet. Someone has to be first and why shouldn’t it be the children’s guest?

Moving is stressful so make sure your not projecting other stress into this issue, because it really doesn’t need to be a problem unless you choose to let it be a problem.

User57713 · 01/04/2025 18:03

I'd rather show her when it's messy and everything is in boxes. Then when it's all lovely and just how you like it she'll never know what it's like. Does that make sense? And I would be clear that she is not to go in your room or you kids' rooms. She can see her kids rooms and the living room. That's enough

SallyD00lally · 01/04/2025 18:02

Errrm does your partner, the kids dad actually get any say in whether his kids are allowed to show their mum around their new home?

Or do you make all the rules?

Odellio · 01/04/2025 18:01

Yes, you are perfectly entitled to have boundaries about your personal space and say no to her coming into the house.

When we moved, the kids invited their mum in, and we did a vague maybe another time comment.

Somanyoption · 01/04/2025 17:59

Doornon · 01/04/2025 17:31

They won’t just show their room and this is part of my issue. My kids room and my room I strongly object to

So you don’t think they will respect your reasonable request to show them their rooms and family areas?

dirtyyoungtown · 01/04/2025 17:57

Of Course you don’t have to let her in.

Polite tell her that it’s not convenient as you’ve barely moved in and nothing is unpacked, and she can be shown round by the SCs once you’re ready.

She has no right to entry of your home.

Somanyoption · 01/04/2025 17:56

How long ago did you move?

are they with you 50/50?

SallyD00lally · 01/04/2025 17:54

Doornon · 01/04/2025 17:25

I’m really happy for her to come in when it’s all set up but we are sleeping on the floor on mattresses surrounded by clothes! I was up till 2am trying to sort stuff and had to go to work at 8am and I just can’t get it straight to have visitors in time.

But then you'll still have a 'woman you don't really know' in your house, so that's just an excuse.

Let the kids show her their new home if they're excited.

You've just moved in, no-one's going to expect perfection.

Delphiniumandlupins · 01/04/2025 17:52

I think this soon after moving boxes and mess are excusable. Put furniture or a pile of boxes in your and your DC bedroom doorways so they're simply not accessible. If she's reasonable she may take a hint that you're uncomfortable, or your DH takes the lead and tells his DC to "just show mummy your room".

Charlize43 · 01/04/2025 17:52

I'm sure she's seen mess before, especially when just moving into a new home.

Suggest to her that she brings a case of Prosecco for housewarming and relax. Have fun. Mess can be decor too!

Chamomileteaplease · 01/04/2025 17:40

I am not sure why you would care about anyone seeing mess when you have just moved! It's to be expected.

I would rather she saw it now, when there isn't much to see, than later when it will be your home and all your stuff will be out 🙂.

Balloonney · 01/04/2025 17:37

just suck it up for the kids sake

Yep. Presumably it's your partners home too and it's obviously habitable enough for the children to stay. Just say absolutely not to going into the other rooms.

RandomMess · 01/04/2025 17:36

Tell the DC Mum can see their rooms once they have been decorated.

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