I don’t want her in my house

This is the best time to have her in because you have an excuse for it to be a mess!

If you don’t want to see her then be out when she comes but I would definitely get DH to let her in so the kids can show her around.

Let the kids have their excitement and share it with their mum.

She doesn’t need to see it. Perfectly valid to tell DCs not to open that door, or to accompany to ensure it’s not open. Suggesting she’s ‘snooping’ because a child opens a door is unpleasant though. It’s not like she’s demanding to see it - OP is worried the children will open the door, that’s all.

YANBU. Your DP needs to step in here and tell the kids it’ll be even better to show their mum the house when it looks lovely! Get him to do the handover in the front garden.

YANBU

i wouldn’t even show my best friend house if I were sleeping on mattresses on the floor surrounded by clothes.

She can wait until it’s been spruced up.

She might not want to come in? I imagine my dc wanting to show me the room in their dad and dsm's new home and either keeping to the main room and the relevant bedroom or saying "show me when it's all settled, darlings".

You know... behaving like a sensible adult? Unless she has previous for rummaging though knicker drawers in a judgy way of course

They're making shit up about 'snooping' and 'poking around the house'.

That's not helpful to anyone.

The OP said she doesn't want her looking around because she doesn't know her and the house is disorganised at present.

We'll have an added story about Goldilocks and the 3 bears by the time this thread's finished and it'd be just as relevant to the OP's situation.

I keep forgetting the OP has a partner whose home it also is.

But then again, he's just the kid's dad 👀

And the OP has ignored any questions regarding his opinion in all this.

Or maybe they are using their own experience to tell OP why they feel the same as she does and that she's allowed to feel this way?

Empathy and all that...

Maybe these are descriptions from people who have ex partners to them or their partner who would snoop and poke?

Yes but it's not difficult to stick to what's being said by the OP in this thread.

It's not about them or their exes.

do you have pictures of the listing when you bought/rented?! Show her those?

No, the kids shouldn't show her what they want if that includes other peoples' bedrooms! Their own at a push but absolutely not the OP's or her children if she's not comfortable. The kids don't get to decide.

You don't want to let her in do you? So don't.
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or has done or would do. Stick to your guns about what you want and don't be beaten down. You can be assertive without being rude and if others don't like your answer then it's tough!

You could tell the children the house is too much of a jumble and you don't want visitors yet. If you don't ever want their mum across the threshold (for whatever reason), tell them they can take photos of their rooms when they're sorted so their mum can see what they look like.

see my logic is

id rather she saw it as it was, than how it is going to be - how it is going to be would be invading my privacy whereas its not mine yet - as we literally only dumped our stuff here.

Its the important people in my life that I want to see what its like when its finished - those others don't get to see how I really live

It’s snooping because why on earth does the ex need to see the OP’s bedroom?! Maybe the SC’s room once it’s sorted but that’s all!

She is much more likely to think something is off if you don't let her see. You guys share custody of kids, she is family, of course the kids should show her what they want. It's their home and it's wonderful they are proud of it.

Just say no. It's stressing you out and you don't need that.
Ur home. U can say no not yet.
Just take the bull by the horns and stop worrying about what everyone else will think.
You don't want her in yet. So she doesn't get in till u r ready. Easy🤜🤛

Do you have a good relationship with her? I would just call her or text her to explain and ask her to come in the next time she is over. Most of this can be sorted before hand without the kids even knowing and most people would be really understanding.

Because she doesn’t know her. That’s the reason she’s given.

She might complain or feel smug? Why does everyone hate this unknown woman so much?

But does state she doesn't want her in her house. She must feel that way for some reason.

Maybe they are. But can’t these people appreciate not all situations are the same? The OP doesn’t suggest she’s worried about overly nosy behaviour.

I agree with a pp. I’d rather have her in the house when she has no idea what the end result will be. All she’ll see is boxes everywhere and empty walls etc.. before you’ve turned the house in to your home.

I understand why you don’t want her to see your DC’s bedroom because she might compare the two bedrooms eg size. Your dc’s bedroom might be bigger and she might complain about it. Or your dc’s bedroom might be smaller and she might feel smug about it.

Maybe these are descriptions from people who have ex partners to them or their partner who would snoop and poke?

My aunt's ex was caught looking in boxes in their bedroom when his son let him in to see their new house.

My friends DHs ex was allowed in the garden for her DSDs prom (she lives with them), her DHs decision, and kept trying to get into the house "to see what was different to hers". She told her daughter that.

Some people snoop. Maybe OP knows this of this woman and doesn't want her home being snooped round.

And that’s fair enough. But the language about this woman whose only crime seems to be having married to OP’s husband first and not really being known to the OP has been really nasty (but hasn’t been used by the OP, which suggests it’s uncalled for).

Why do you give a flying fuck what she thinks? Do you think she’s going to tell all her mates that your house is messy? So what if she does - it says everything about her and nothing about you.