I don’t want her in my house

I think this is a clear example of adults putting their needs ahead of the children. It's wonderful that the children are accepting of this situation and are even excited to show their other home with their mum, why would you stop that?
Living in two separate houses is hard on kids and their acceptance shouldn't be taken for granted.
This is also an opportunity to model, mature, selfless and kind behaviour.
Clothes and boxes will be cleaned up, memories can't be and this is something they'll remember, let that be for the right reasons.

I hope you enjoy your new home 😊

I think you are being a bit precious tbh. If the kids have to see it why not their mother. nobody expects a show home. I'll always see people whether my house is a mess or not.

Both are important, it’s not an either/or situation. The compromise is ex sees the house when it’s in better shape. And the kids see it as surprising mummy when their rooms are done up as lovely as OP and her DP are planning.

It’s quite simple who’s more important you or the kids
if it’s you then she doesn’t get over the drop step
if it’s the kids she gets shown round

on the plus side it’s nice that the kids feel comfortable to invite there mum into your house and in your house she’s not deemed the enemy

many kids aren’t allowed to even mention there other parent when there with the other one it’s incredibly damaging

ultimately it’s beneficial to everyone if you all appear to get on

Agreed. It’s much more empowering to say no when you’re not ready. Ex can visit when OP and her dp are sorted.

If you RTFT you would see that the OP specifically says she does not want them to show the ex her room but the kids will.

So it is MY house and not OUR house? that idea would not have a welcoming feel towards anyone else living there? why do you feel you have full control over this?

It doesn’t suit at the moment. We’ll have mummy round soon. Full stop

Simply shut the door of the two rooms you don't want people to sight see.
Add a sign to both. Out Of Bounds Until Unpacked.

Ask the kids to respect those signs when bringing guests into the house.

I don't see any good reason why your stepchildren's mother simply must see the inside of your newly moved into home right now when you haven't had a chance to move in and don't want the mess exposed to someone who doesn't live there and who may judge you for it. It's YOUR house too and you are one of the ADULTS in the home!

I'd just tell your husband that you'd feel humiliated to have her see the place in such a state and that you need a little time to get it organized. The two of you need to reach an agreement and then you tell the stepchildren what that agreement is. Their mother can see the house NEXT time!

You don't really know her, but she is your SDC's mother. You are, presumably, concerned about how she might judge you, what she might think if she sees your home when it isn't perfect. But your SDC are concerned about the woman, quite likely the person, they are closest to in the world knowing about their exciting new home. About where they will be living. About their dreams for the space. They probably don't really know your family that well, but you would probably think it bizarre and rude if they presumed to try and stop you inviting your family in when you want to, just because they aren't familiar. It's their home too.

It's fine to shut the door to your room and your own kids' room (assuming your own kid doesn't want to show). But the rest really doesn't matter. Even if she judges, so long as she has the civility to keep it to herself it really isn't important. Just make sure to invite her back in in a couple of weeks when you have it sorted out so she knows her kids are not being neglected.

There are some special circumstances with co-parents where it wouldn't be unreasonable to keep them at arms length. If they have form for using things that aren't perfect against you in a significant way. If they have treated you in a vile way. etc.

But if it's your anxiety/lack of comfort/desire to project a polished image rather than her behaviour being unacceptable then you would be very unreasonable to stop your SDC from feeling at home and showing their mum around their home.

I'd just let them show her. Be unapologetic.

However I'd keep your room and your kids rooms blocked off.

It is 100% OK to say to her, and the children:

oh, sorry not this visit. The house isn’t presentable. Buh bye.

Can you sort of arrange for the pick up to be done in town, or offer to drop them off instead? So, she is then nowhere near your home and the kids won’t be pulling her in the house to show her around.

If you moved yesterday, nobody would judge about no furniture yet.

But if you really don't want it then could you offer to drop them home? Or paint the bannister just before she is due to come and say going upstairs will have to be postponed until it's dry...

You should consider it from the children’s perspective, and what is best for them and collectively your blended family.
She’s not going to be scrutinising it is she, just a quick look to engage with the kids excitement, and actually show her support for them and for their new home.
Being more difficult than you need to be will set you up for a bumpy ride.

It feels so invasive and so private to me

You’re overthinking this.

If your step kids want to show their mum then surely that’s ok? She’s not a complete stranger.

If she’s a reasonable person then won’t she understand house moves are usually carnage and unorganised/boxes everywhere for the first few weeks?

😂

When my parents divorced when my Dad picked me up he never even came inside any of the houses/ flats we lived in, it would have fuelled arguments for sure- he had a lot of opinions about how we lived our lives and resented the fact he was partly funding it- not letting him in was absolutely the right decision.
Taking on your partner's kids is a lot, being expected to host his ex is too much, what's wrong with them just showing her a few pics they take on their phones? Why are you so convinced they will want to show her around?- I think you may be mistaken, even if you are not you are well within your rights not to allow it, I would definitely prevent it , are you, 100% sure your partner will be supportive? You don't mention his part in all this.

You're surprised at how many people who co-parent manage to behave like reasonable adults and be amicable? Spend time together so that their children can be with both parents at the same time? How sad.

these are her children and is it not ok for her to see where they are living when they’re not with her? Is she a bad person with an agenda? Is there a chance she won’t feel entirely comfortable either but perhaps keen to make her kids happy if they want to show their mum their new rooms?
I find it odd that you’re so put out by it actually.

Nobody, including the OP, is suggesting any ‘nosing’ will happen. Her children are excited to show their new rooms. It’s totally normal to let them. It would also be ok to say no, but it seems rather mean and unnecessary.

Mumsnet is hilarious sometimes!

Of course you don’t let her in to nose around your house.

Why was it carnage? Were there bloody bodies on the floor? You sound awfully melodramatic! (Carnage does not mean the same thing as chaos.)