Page 2 | I don’t want her in my house

Doornon · 2025-04-01T16:22:41+00:00

We just moved house and it was complete carnage. Short notice couldn’t get movers. Couldn’t get much time off work. Our house is beyond a bombsite. Step children mum will be picking them up this week and I know the kids will want to show her around, it is their home so I feel I can’t object but I really don’t want her in this early while it’s in this state looking round the rooms. It feels so invasive and so private to me while it’s so disorganised and I have said to DP I know it’s exciting but there is nothing to see but complete mess. Plus my own family have not even visited here before I will have this woman I don’t really know nosing about. AIBU to be bothered by this and ask DP not to or just suck it up for the kids sake

croydon15 · 02/04/2025 19:55

OP you are not being unreasonable, if the children say anything to their mother l would say not now, we have just moved your mum can have a look in a few weeks when we had a chance to get straight. If she hangs around just say sorry we have such a lot to do, can you excuse us and tell the children to say goodbye to their mother. You don't owe her anything and you can just be polite nothing else.

croydon15 · 02/04/2025 19:38

Elunajeya · 01/04/2025 17:28

‘We’ll have your mummy in when we’re all sorted’.

This end of

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 02/04/2025 19:18

Flozle · 02/04/2025 18:02

Really? My husband’s ex and her new partner came to our wedding!

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My husband's ex wanted to but I soon knocked that idea on the head!

Sennelier1 · 02/04/2025 18:53

Let her in but within limits : "I understand the children want you to see their new house, but for now it will only be (f.i.) their room and the kitchen. When you come next time you'll get the full tour ánd coffee. I do hope you understand."

Feelinglost10 · 02/04/2025 18:20

FatLarrysBanned · 01/04/2025 17:26

It would be a cold day in hell before I'd let DP's ex step over my threshold. When the kids pay the mortgage they can decide who gets an invite. You may be more charitable than me and extend an invite when things are a little more organised...

HAHA! This 👌🏼

GlennCloseButNoCigar · 02/04/2025 18:06

Flozle · 02/04/2025 18:02

Really? My husband’s ex and her new partner came to our wedding!

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I’d fully read the thread.

Flozle · 02/04/2025 18:02

GlennCloseButNoCigar · 01/04/2025 18:12

Nope!

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Really? My husband’s ex and her new partner came to our wedding!

Blueblell · 02/04/2025 17:50

I would talk to the kids and say shall we show your mum round once everything is set up? If they are desperate to show her I would suck it up and tell her at the doorstep that it looks like a disaster zone but the kids wanted to show you.

I think when you first move particularly with limited time people expect things to be piled up and beds and furniture not yet built.

MatildaTheCat · 02/04/2025 12:31

@Doornon , apologies if this has already been suggested but can’t your DH drop the kids to their mother this week and if necessary collect them too? He could just message her that you’re very busy getting sorted so aren’t having anyone over for now and would be convenient if he could drop and collect them this week.

You’ll probably get loads done when they are away and have the house looking much better by the time they get back or at least in a week or two.

Moving is a nightmare. Breathe and this shall pass.

cardibach · 02/04/2025 12:16

Doornon · 02/04/2025 12:02

I did bring up court but it was in context of responding to people saying I should facilitate access to our house to show her the children’s sleeping area and that she had some kind of entitlement to see it to be reassured. You don’t, and even a court wouldn’t agree to it but if you have very grave concerns about your children’s living environment then seek legal advice

It’s not about legal entitlement but the children being excited. Keep your bedroom door closed. Tell the children not to open it. Send their dad with them to be sure they don’t get over excited and do it anyway. It’ll be over in 10 mins, no drama. She probably isn’t that interested.

cardibach · 02/04/2025 12:14

nomas · 02/04/2025 11:26

I did, she doesn’t mention court until
you did. You’re just being vague because you know she didn’t bring up court, you did.

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She did mention court. The poster you are arguing with quoted her. It’s a big overreaction to be thinking about it at all in my view.

cardibach · 02/04/2025 12:11

LookItsMeAgain · 02/04/2025 11:55

While your kids might be excited to show her, you need to diffuse that excitement from the get-go and tell the kids that they will be happier/prouder of their rooms when they are properly set up so they can show off X, Y or Z to this person and you're not allowing them to show the rooms off before that. You are their mother and you get to make this decision.

Kids get excited (think Christmas Day after Santa has visited) and parents have to manage that excitement. You need to talk with your kids first and if you don't want this woman crossing your threshold, even if the kids are excited following the move, then she doesn't get to go in.

Just my tuppence worth.

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She’s not their mother. That’s kind of the point.

Original poster

Doornon · 02/04/2025 12:02

I did bring up court but it was in context of responding to people saying I should facilitate access to our house to show her the children’s sleeping area and that she had some kind of entitlement to see it to be reassured. You don’t, and even a court wouldn’t agree to it but if you have very grave concerns about your children’s living environment then seek legal advice

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 02/04/2025 11:55

Doornon · 02/04/2025 09:28

The kids are so excited I know they will run around throwing all the doors open. DP doesn’t want them in all the rooms either but unless he leads the way or trails after them it’s unlikely we can really stop them doing it. He has asked them to swerve our room but I think the SDC will want to show off. I cleared up my room to the best I could. It feels like I am having an estate agent viewing 😂

While your kids might be excited to show her, you need to diffuse that excitement from the get-go and tell the kids that they will be happier/prouder of their rooms when they are properly set up so they can show off X, Y or Z to this person and you're not allowing them to show the rooms off before that. You are their mother and you get to make this decision.

Kids get excited (think Christmas Day after Santa has visited) and parents have to manage that excitement. You need to talk with your kids first and if you don't want this woman crossing your threshold, even if the kids are excited following the move, then she doesn't get to go in.

Just my tuppence worth.

nomas · 02/04/2025 11:26

Balloonney · 02/04/2025 11:15

Read back a bit further and see what I was originally responding to.

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I did, she doesn’t mention court until
you did. You’re just being vague because you know she didn’t bring up court, you did.

Balloonney · 02/04/2025 11:15

nomas · 02/04/2025 11:10

No, she didn’t. At all. That was you talking about court and OP answering your wild and dramatic post.

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Read back a bit further and see what I was originally responding to.

Original poster

Doornon · 02/04/2025 11:12

Yeah I did I am just frustrated. I don’t owe her anything she isn’t entitled to anything.The kids obviously I would only be doing it for them and I agree it’s their house, in my original OP I said that I didn’t want to object for their sake for this reason. No I don’t get to dictate for them but we have boundaries about bedrooms and no one is allowed to go into someone else’s bedroom without permission. They aren’t allowed to go into other DC’s rooms without asking. This still applies to showing off your new home. Bedrooms are private we all have a space that’s private to us. Part of shared blended living is understanding and appreciating this

OP posts:

nomas · 02/04/2025 11:10

Balloonney · 02/04/2025 11:06

OP did 😂

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No, she didn’t. At all. That was you talking about court and OP answering your wild and dramatic post.

Balloonney · 02/04/2025 11:06

nomas · 02/04/2025 11:04

Why are you talking about court?! That’s wild and dramatic, OP hasn’t mentioned going to court.

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OP did 😂

nomas · 02/04/2025 11:04

Balloonney · 02/04/2025 09:43

I agree, but seems dramatic. Its nice as co-parents imo to be open about a quick look around for the sake of the children and their excitement. You'd hope if your partner wanted to see where his children would be living half of the time his ex wouldnt see it as a big deal for the sake of the children to quickly show him rather than going through court.

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Why are you talking about court?! That’s wild and dramatic, OP hasn’t mentioned going to court.

nomas · 02/04/2025 11:03

Justlittlemerighthere · 02/04/2025 08:49

Really? When I moved into my new home we were sorted, unpacked and everything assembled and in its place within three days.

I think a week is fine, but I would be strongly judging someone who wanted to be excused for the mess after a couple of months!!

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Have a medal!

Every home is different, what a shocker.

100percenthagitude · 02/04/2025 11:01

Doornon · 02/04/2025 09:50

I have said I don’t mind, but currently it looks like shit. We need to crack on with it, so having her lingering around for 30-45 mins while we all stand there watching her chat to the kids is a waste of valuable time! He trusts her to not provide the DC with a dangerous living environment so no ‘inspections’ necessary! And even if you went to court, you would never be granted access to someone else’s home. You couldn’t get a court to agree to show you a kids bedroom. A social worker would inspect it, not you personally if you really was that worried. I’m sure DP can sleep at night not seeing inside someone else’s house. I don’t go into my kids other bedroom at their other house I trust their dad doesn’t have razors embedded into the furniture

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Is 30/45 mins really a waste of time if the kids are happy, and content?

And if kids mum is only "socially awkward" rather than a nosey bunny boiler, then that's a positive?

It kind of seems you are overthinking this. I appreciate you have had a massively stressful move and every empathy for that but you are in your fab new home now, however it looks. Relax and be a little magnanimous?

nomas · 02/04/2025 11:01

Gettingbysomehow · 02/04/2025 07:39

I think you are being a bit precious tbh. If the kids have to see it why not their mother. nobody expects a show home. I'll always see people whether my house is a mess or not.

The kids have to see it because it’s their home.

The ex doesn’t have the right to go in, it’s up to OP and her DH to decide if and when they want to let her see it.

Original poster

Doornon · 02/04/2025 10:42

@Balloonney so many people responded that I need to allow this to reassure her. Of what exactly? If she thinks we are unsafe then this is a much bigger issue than seeing a room.

OP posts:

Balloonney · 02/04/2025 10:40

Doornon · 02/04/2025 09:50

I have said I don’t mind, but currently it looks like shit. We need to crack on with it, so having her lingering around for 30-45 mins while we all stand there watching her chat to the kids is a waste of valuable time! He trusts her to not provide the DC with a dangerous living environment so no ‘inspections’ necessary! And even if you went to court, you would never be granted access to someone else’s home. You couldn’t get a court to agree to show you a kids bedroom. A social worker would inspect it, not you personally if you really was that worried. I’m sure DP can sleep at night not seeing inside someone else’s house. I don’t go into my kids other bedroom at their other house I trust their dad doesn’t have razors embedded into the furniture

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Who is saying its to inspect or to ensure there are no risks? It's wild how much of a big deal this is to you!