Page 4 | Parent Pay Details

Kingof93 · 2025-04-01T10:07:03+00:00

Just would like some input on this. Im being asked to send money to my sons bank account to then go into his parent pay to cover meals and school trips. I have no issue in doing this as I do earn more than his mother. I have asked to be given the details for parent pay so I can send the money directly as I also do not have access to his bank account so I have no proof that the money is actually being used for school meals and trips etc. To give context I first asked for bank access when the acct was set up (9 years now) and to parent pay when he started at the school. My ex partner has always refused me access to both. I have until now not pushed back on this and now im doing so she is emailing me the same email about paying repeatedly. I am more than happy to pay it I just want to see where the money goes.

Original poster

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 13:16

OldCottageGreenhouse · 01/04/2025 13:13

Don’t be so ridiculous. Every difficult absent father tries the “how do I know it’s being spent on my child” line, but the reality is that the money is going into the same pot. That’s how CMS view it, that’s how the law views it. So what if she’s already paid the school? You giving her the money back is no different than paying the school…?

I beg your pardon. Im not absent in any way. I object to being told to hand over money to her for school. When I have asked for my own access to parent pay and thats reasonable.

Ill give whatever money is needed when its needed. But I would like some honesty from them about it.

OP posts:

OldCottageGreenhouse · 01/04/2025 13:15

@MellowPinkDeerHOW the HELL is OP’s ex “walking all over” him by asking him to contribute to the child? She cannot physically add him to parent pay it’s not possible!!

SilenceInside · 01/04/2025 13:14

As I already said, you can simply tell her that you are getting a copy of the birth certificate for your admin needs, no big deal. No need to make a big deal of it or make it into some kind of point scoring exercise.

OldCottageGreenhouse · 01/04/2025 13:13

Don’t be so ridiculous. Every difficult absent father tries the “how do I know it’s being spent on my child” line, but the reality is that the money is going into the same pot. That’s how CMS view it, that’s how the law views it. So what if she’s already paid the school? You giving her the money back is no different than paying the school…?

Comedycook · 01/04/2025 13:13

I suspect its all been paid already

So, then if you just give her the money, you're paying her back then? Isn't that ok?

Original poster

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 13:11

SilenceInside · 01/04/2025 13:10

It' s not leaping through hoops, it's an online form that will take minutes to fill out. If you are separated from the mother of your child, then there will be more admin that you need to do as you can no longer share various things like this.

I understand that but in the interests of being civil and open I want to keep the ex informed of things. Its the decent thing to do in this situation.

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SilenceInside · 01/04/2025 13:10

It' s not leaping through hoops, it's an online form that will take minutes to fill out. If you are separated from the mother of your child, then there will be more admin that you need to do as you can no longer share various things like this.

MellowPinkDeer · 01/04/2025 13:09

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 13:07

I am happy to contribute. Always have been. Im not worried about £12.50 either but I dont think I should have to leap through hoops just to be a parent. I guess I have too.

A few people has questioned my willingness. I have never been unwilling. I wanted to help all along. Ive tried but ive been running into a wall built by her on many things.

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I think you’ve been too willing tbh. She is walking all over you, I would be sorting this all out once and for all. Get a contact schedule and a financial settlement.

Original poster

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 13:07

CaramelVanilla · 01/04/2025 13:02

Why are you complaining about £12.50? FFS

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I am happy to contribute. Always have been. Im not worried about £12.50 either but I dont think I should have to leap through hoops just to be a parent. I guess I have too.

A few people has questioned my willingness. I have never been unwilling. I wanted to help all along. Ive tried but ive been running into a wall built by her on many things.

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CaramelVanilla · 01/04/2025 13:02

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 12:00

I understand your thoughts but why when im one parent should I be forced to pay for additional copes of a birth cert?

If you co parent there shouldnt be odd barriers set up by the mother when im not doing the same.

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Why are you complaining about £12.50? FFS

CaramelVanilla · 01/04/2025 12:59

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 11:30

Im in no way being difficult. I would just like to know that its not vanishing. I suspect its all been paid already and im being asked for money without reason.

I happily pay for the house and all of the bills and yet suddenly im being asked for more.

Ive had no access to any accounts at any point and until now there has been no requests for more money. I know for a fact that when my parents have sent money to my son its been denied by the mother.

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I suspect its all been paid already

So you dont think you should contribute?

Original poster

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 12:36

MattCauthon · 01/04/2025 12:25

Ok then, you need to finalise both financial arrangements and contact time. You also need to stop being passive about engaging with school etc.

Then, once it's all formalised, if she doesn't live up to the agreed details, you can take her to court or whatever.

Thank you. I do mean that. I wasn't so passive before but I was told to not be so nice to the school when I tried to play devil's advocate during a disagreement.

OP posts:

MattCauthon · 01/04/2025 12:25

Ok then, you need to finalise both financial arrangements and contact time. You also need to stop being passive about engaging with school etc.

Then, once it's all formalised, if she doesn't live up to the agreed details, you can take her to court or whatever.

Original poster

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 12:24

MattCauthon · 01/04/2025 12:22

Every sunday for the past 3 years my DS has swimming coaching. The only weekends he doesnt are the next 2 when the pool is closed for work and she knew this as she gets the emails from the coach.

And do you always take him to this swimming? It's a set, regular arrangement whereby you turn up to collect him and take him to swimming? In which case, yes, she should have informed you.

I showed up friday to see them and an empty house (My house that Im not living in)
Do you always cme on a friday to see them? is this a formal arrangement? Or do you just turn up when you feel like it? If the latter, then no, they don't need to inform you when they're not going to be there.

dont ever ask for exact details of trips she does. I know they are safe but I dont think me asking for a location "The coast" "wales" is unfair. Maybe Ive some adjusting to do.

Sure, I agree in theory. But if th erelationship has broken down, then this isn't going to happen. Irritating, but it is what it is. I remember a friend really struggling because her ex wouldn't give her his address when he had their toddler. It was awful, but not illegal.

Swimming has always been my thing with both children. Sat youngest Sun Eldest.

I always do from Friday night. They go back on saturday while I work and I spend all sunday with them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 12:22

My time is saturday mornings and all day sunday. Every week as I work saturday nights.

This trip away isnt the first time and the last time she emailed me afterwards and asked me to pay for the trip. I did.

It is a confusing situation as I agree she could stay in the house we bought. She does not contribute to the bills for this house and I pay for the rest. Im luckily in a position that I have an alternative in my folks having property.

Im going to request what I can now.

I do thank you all for being honest and its been really helpful. I know this situation seems fully bizarre but splitting up can be and mine is very odd.

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MattCauthon · 01/04/2025 12:22

Every sunday for the past 3 years my DS has swimming coaching. The only weekends he doesnt are the next 2 when the pool is closed for work and she knew this as she gets the emails from the coach.

And do you always take him to this swimming? It's a set, regular arrangement whereby you turn up to collect him and take him to swimming? In which case, yes, she should have informed you.

I showed up friday to see them and an empty house (My house that Im not living in)
Do you always cme on a friday to see them? is this a formal arrangement? Or do you just turn up when you feel like it? If the latter, then no, they don't need to inform you when they're not going to be there.

dont ever ask for exact details of trips she does. I know they are safe but I dont think me asking for a location "The coast" "wales" is unfair. Maybe Ive some adjusting to do.

Sure, I agree in theory. But if th erelationship has broken down, then this isn't going to happen. Irritating, but it is what it is. I remember a friend really struggling because her ex wouldn't give her his address when he had their toddler. It was awful, but not illegal.

Cannaeberught · 01/04/2025 12:19

If she GENUINELY is refusing to give you your passport - I would tell her you’re reporting that to the police. She needs to give it back asap. If she has lost it then you just have to order a new one. She sounds like a pain in the hole…

Original poster

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 12:19

MattCauthon · 01/04/2025 12:14

Is your Saturday to take your DS to swimming a formal, regular arrangement? If so, then yes, you should have been informed that they were going away. if, however, it's a loose arrangement that is not formal and that you don't always do, then it's not unreasonable for her to make other plans if you hadn't confirmed in advance.

Unfortunately, assuming both parents have parental responsibility, the other one does not have any right to know exactly where the children are while they are with the othe parent. I can see how that can be distressing for either parent, but it is what it is. In this case, I'm not sure why you would think they're unsafe so while it is potentially a bit annoying, it's not really the end of the world - they went away for the weekend, unless there's some massive backstory there's no reason to believe they're unsafe.

If you want the birth certificate, and she says no as she doesn't want to give you her copy, then it's not a big deal to say, "okay, I'm going to order one then, thanks." It's also not weird she doesn't want to give you her only copy. I wouldn't.

I don't know why she won't give you YOUR passport back. But if that's the case, just apply for a new one and tell them the old one has been lost/stolen. Which it has.

We kept all passports together for ease when traveling in years past. It made sense.

Every sunday for the past 3 years my DS has swimming coaching. The only weekends he doesnt are the next 2 when the pool is closed for work and she knew this as she gets the emails from the coach.

I showed up friday to see them and an empty house (My house that Im not living in)

I dont ever ask for exact details of trips she does. I know they are safe but I dont think me asking for a location "The coast" "wales" is unfair. Maybe Ive some adjusting to do.

OP posts:

Cannaeberught · 01/04/2025 12:17

Contact school, get your own log in.
Sounds like you may also need to formalise contact if she’s playing silly buggers or not keen on more open comms for whatever reason.

MattCauthon · 01/04/2025 12:17

How exactly does this arrangement work? it seems to me that you seem to feel you're being asked for money at random intervals. Why don't you just agree a set amount and pay that. The set amount taking into account what you both think is reasonable regarding the costs for the children. So a contribution to rent/food etc, plus a share of extra costs liek phones, hobbies, activities, clothes, uniform etc. Then all this angst goes away. I can't imagine anything worse than having to ask for money all the time, or, for that matter, being asked for money all the time.

It's also not clear from your posts how much time you have the DC and how that works. Is it a reglar, set schedule or ad hoc. Again, I'd go for reguarl set schedule to avoid this trauma of negotiating each contact time.

Original poster

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 12:15

onwardsup4 · 01/04/2025 12:07

Still confused but like pp said you should be able to get a log in for the parent pay account, but even if it has already been paid why does it matter if you pay after and she uses it for her car?

If she wanted help paying for car repairs then ask for that instead. I paid for car repairs in January and also paid for the tyres she needed late last year. I wasnt required too but I did as I want her and the children safe.

If you want something just ask.

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SilenceInside · 01/04/2025 12:15

It’s not being sneaky. You’re the other parent, it’s entirely reasonable for you to do this. You can always tell your ex that you’re doing it and why, without making a big thing about it.

Regarding your passport, if she really is withholding it from you then report it lost and get a new one issued. Yes it will cost but again, it takes it out of her control and it becomes a non-issue.

Regarding contact days, perhaps those need to be formalised in court if your ex isn’t sticking to what was agreed informally.

MattCauthon · 01/04/2025 12:14

Is your Saturday to take your DS to swimming a formal, regular arrangement? If so, then yes, you should have been informed that they were going away. if, however, it's a loose arrangement that is not formal and that you don't always do, then it's not unreasonable for her to make other plans if you hadn't confirmed in advance.

Unfortunately, assuming both parents have parental responsibility, the other one does not have any right to know exactly where the children are while they are with the othe parent. I can see how that can be distressing for either parent, but it is what it is. In this case, I'm not sure why you would think they're unsafe so while it is potentially a bit annoying, it's not really the end of the world - they went away for the weekend, unless there's some massive backstory there's no reason to believe they're unsafe.

If you want the birth certificate, and she says no as she doesn't want to give you her copy, then it's not a big deal to say, "okay, I'm going to order one then, thanks." It's also not weird she doesn't want to give you her only copy. I wouldn't.

I don't know why she won't give you YOUR passport back. But if that's the case, just apply for a new one and tell them the old one has been lost/stolen. Which it has.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 01/04/2025 12:13

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 12:00

I understand your thoughts but why when im one parent should I be forced to pay for additional copes of a birth cert?

If you co parent there shouldnt be odd barriers set up by the mother when im not doing the same.

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I saw where you were coming from before but here you're being ridiculous and making excuses. If your concern is the children not getting the money you have your solutions, open you own bank account for them, get your own parent login, if you have questions about school contact the school, its not your exs responsibility to facilitate your parenting.

Original poster

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 12:13

MattCauthon · 01/04/2025 12:06

So, instead of solving the issue for the benefit of the children, you are just going to bleat about how she is being unfair?

And before you get on your high horse about how as a man you're being treated more meanly than a woman would... rubbish. women are routinely told on here that they just have to suck it up if their ex is being a dick. that yup, it's not fair, but there's not a lot they can do about it. Although, I'd ask a different question - why is it that you aren't willing to pay th emoney or put the effort in for a birth certificate, but you expect HER to track it down, and give you HER copy with no guarantee she'll get it back, at which point she then has to do the work to order a new copy? Or a third question - perhaps she doesn't want you putting money for the chidlren into a bank account she can't access? She needs the money to pay for things NOW, not as a saving for later and you seem to be suggesting you'l put the. money into their accounts rather than hers. That's not terribly helfpul for day to day costs, is it?

So decide what you are willing and able to pay and, assuming it is at least the equivalent of CMS or more, pay that. Stop demanding receipts - you're clearly not goign to get them. If you think school meals is something you can and should pay for - contact the school, check the menu, see what the price is, and transfer sufficient cash for your DS to eat xx school meals per week.

And yes, if you want a birth certificate and she won't give it to you, pay the £12 to order a new one. And if you want to know what the real cost of school trips is.... get yourself added to the school's email distribution list so that you can receive the same information she does and attend the same meetings about what is happening as she does. Stop being so passive.

Thank you and I appreciate your candour on all this. Im happy to suck it up. I really just want the minimal details. So im aware of the things that will happen.

I had no intention of playing the hard done by card but I am allowed to ask questions of her and I would hope I can have answers. So far Ive had to stop visiting my family on sundays as she didnt like that. Ive had to cancel one swim coach for another at her request.

I have to avoid certain things at her request for them and I agree every time. I know its all hard for her and them and I agreed to make it easier but when I ask for her to make things easier in reply I dont get that.

OP posts: