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Original poster

Parent Pay Details

136 replies

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 11:07

Just would like some input on this.

Im being asked to send money to my sons bank account to then go into his parent pay to cover meals and school trips. I have no issue in doing this as I do earn more than his mother. I have asked to be given the details for parent pay so I can send the money directly as I also do not have access to his bank account so I have no proof that the money is actually being used for school meals and trips etc.

To give context I first asked for bank access when the acct was set up (9 years now) and to parent pay when he started at the school. My ex partner has always refused me access to both. I have until now not pushed back on this and now im doing so she is emailing me the same email about paying repeatedly.

I am more than happy to pay it I just want to see where the money goes.

OP posts:
Readystepgo · 01/04/2025 14:34

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:23

I See that now and I'm going to get this sorted for my benefit this week. Ive been emailed 11 times today asking for the money. To which ive replied "Ive asked the school for my own login" the reply is "wheres the money"

I'd imagine this is the issue. If you pay her directly, she knows there is money in the account and her child is fed a school meal. If you pay directly she still has to log in to check.

Original poster
Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:33

SilenceInside · 01/04/2025 14:25

Presumably because she has things on ParentPay that need paying for, and she needs the money. Surely you can send her the money this time, and then let her know that in future you will be able to put it directly onto ParentPay and pay towards items.

Then why not say that. Im not a monster I know she has an income and uses it for the best for them.

At xmas she asked me directly "can you pay for this for me" and I did. When she needed tires i paid for them as I have friends in the trade it made sense.

Whats annoying is that this past weekend she decided a 3 day holiday was needed. I was not informed of them going away. Forget the destination just knowing "oh we will be away" would be nice.

This is the the 3rd time shes taken them away this year. I asked to do the same, my family went away for my dads 70th family where paying she didnt give me an answer and I missed the chance to join them. I cant book a holiday for myself at present as my income essentially pays for their house and such. I dont care about my own lack of holidays Im a fool whos happy working but I would like parity and I cannot get it.

OP posts:
SilenceInside · 01/04/2025 14:29

Of course you aren't going to be able to continue to share logins, that would be inappropriate given you are no longer in a relationship. But school systems are well set up for separated parents given it is very common, so systems will let you have your own login and to be able to see the relevant information about your child. Same with school communications.

Original poster
Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:26

SilenceInside · 01/04/2025 14:21

Who has told you that there can only be one parent on ParentPay? The school? ParentPay help? Or your ex? You are capable of finding out information for yourself about ParentPay and acting on it without involving your ex. Trying to get her to do what you want, rather than taking action to resolve things yourself is not sensible.

What you should be able to grasp is that you now have a separate relationship with the children's schools than the one you had when you were together with your ex. You are dealing with the school directly, representing yourself as a separate parental figure. Your access to information should be direct with the school, not via your ex. It doesn't matter what the previous agreement was with your ex about how you both handled the relationship with the schools, you are now only dealing with them on behalf of yourself.

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I honestly am maybe too relaxed on these things and then being hassled for money frustrates me too quickly. I know im not going to be thanked for what I do pay for and nor do I expect this but to just get an email repeatedly asking for money and when I ask "can i have the login" i get the same angry emails.

IT used to be we shared logins for things and now thats clearly not the case.

OP posts:
SilenceInside · 01/04/2025 14:25

Presumably because she has things on ParentPay that need paying for, and she needs the money. Surely you can send her the money this time, and then let her know that in future you will be able to put it directly onto ParentPay and pay towards items.

Original poster
Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:23

I See that now and I'm going to get this sorted for my benefit this week. Ive been emailed 11 times today asking for the money. To which ive replied "Ive asked the school for my own login" the reply is "wheres the money"

OP posts:
SilenceInside · 01/04/2025 14:21

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:16

When other people are saying you can have two parents and ive been told all along it can only be one, Im allowed to ask questions.

I was asked during better times to ease off with schools as I didnt always agree with her way of speaking to teachers. Im not one to get annoyed id rather let you go off and then come back with the right answer. SO when school picked a fight with my wife I tried to stay even minded and this annoyed my ex. I backed my wife the whole time but because I didnt shout at the school I was in the wrong.

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Who has told you that there can only be one parent on ParentPay? The school? ParentPay help? Or your ex? You are capable of finding out information for yourself about ParentPay and acting on it without involving your ex. Trying to get her to do what you want, rather than taking action to resolve things yourself is not sensible.

What you should be able to grasp is that you now have a separate relationship with the children's schools than the one you had when you were together with your ex. You are dealing with the school directly, representing yourself as a separate parental figure. Your access to information should be direct with the school, not via your ex. It doesn't matter what the previous agreement was with your ex about how you both handled the relationship with the schools, you are now only dealing with them on behalf of yourself.

Crazybaby123 · 01/04/2025 14:18

Why don't you ask to be the oarent pay account hokdsr, switch it to you and take control of the parent pay?

Original poster
Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:17

Readystepgo · 01/04/2025 14:16

But why? You should know how much DC attends school. It is easy to find out the cost of a school meal. Why be so difficult about it when you know the money is going on school dinners. The only genuine reason for wanting to be difficult is that you want to avoid spending your earnings on feeding your child.

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When did I say that? Ive said over and over ive no issue in spending on my familt being fed and housed. I just asked for my own access to send the money directly my self and not via her via my sons acct. Thats reasonable !

OP posts:
Original poster
Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:16

SilenceInside · 01/04/2025 14:13

That is exactly the implication of objecting to a bank transfer, you are suggesting that the money isn't going towards the school dinners! Otherwise, what point are you making about the bank transfer?!

Show quote history

When other people are saying you can have two parents and ive been told all along it can only be one, Im allowed to ask questions.

I was asked during better times to ease off with schools as I didnt always agree with her way of speaking to teachers. Im not one to get annoyed id rather let you go off and then come back with the right answer. SO when school picked a fight with my wife I tried to stay even minded and this annoyed my ex. I backed my wife the whole time but because I didnt shout at the school I was in the wrong.

OP posts:
Readystepgo · 01/04/2025 14:16

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:11

I dont think that at all. But if you want money for his school meals etc then give me access to the parent pay and dont say you need it as a bank transfer.

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But why? You should know how much DC attends school. It is easy to find out the cost of a school meal. Why be so difficult about it when you know the money is going on school dinners. The only genuine reason for wanting to be difficult is that you want to avoid spending your earnings on feeding your child.

SorryfortheTMI · 01/04/2025 14:15

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:13

And I See that and im glad you have all been honest. I see my errors in all of this but if im not included in school emails to start ive no way of being involved.

Im going to remedy this and at least have my ducks in a row before I pick faults.

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Thank you, that's good.

Original poster
Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:13

SorryfortheTMI · 01/04/2025 14:12

But she didn't know it either until she found it out for herself. She wasn't born knowing.

Your thinly veiled accusatory tone towards your ex is very grating when a lot of it is your own responsibility to sort out. That's why she's getting annoyed with you and sending constant emails asking you to sort it out.

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And I See that and im glad you have all been honest. I see my errors in all of this but if im not included in school emails to start ive no way of being involved.

Im going to remedy this and at least have my ducks in a row before I pick faults.

OP posts:
SilenceInside · 01/04/2025 14:13

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:11

I dont think that at all. But if you want money for his school meals etc then give me access to the parent pay and dont say you need it as a bank transfer.

Show quote history

That is exactly the implication of objecting to a bank transfer, you are suggesting that the money isn't going towards the school dinners! Otherwise, what point are you making about the bank transfer?!

SorryfortheTMI · 01/04/2025 14:12

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:10

Ill be honest I really didnt know half of this stuff and now I do I have tabs open besides this one to sort this myself. Ive emailed both schools and asked for details also.

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But she didn't know it either until she found it out for herself. She wasn't born knowing.

Your thinly veiled accusatory tone towards your ex is very grating when a lot of it is your own responsibility to sort out. That's why she's getting annoyed with you and sending constant emails asking you to sort it out.

Original poster
Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:11

Readystepgo · 01/04/2025 14:10

You want access to check the money is going on school dinners. So are you saying that you believe she is instead keeping the money and sending your child to school without dinner?

I dont think that at all. But if you want money for his school meals etc then give me access to the parent pay and dont say you need it as a bank transfer.

OP posts:
Readystepgo · 01/04/2025 14:10

You want access to check the money is going on school dinners. So are you saying that you believe she is instead keeping the money and sending your child to school without dinner?

Original poster
Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:10

SorryfortheTMI · 01/04/2025 14:09

A birth certificate is a public document. Anyone can order anyone's. I could order yours if I knew your name, or anyone else's on this thread, or Princess Anne's.
It's not your ex's fault you don't know this. Nor does she have to give you her copies when you could just get your own.
You're trying to come across all calm and reasonable on this thread but it's very transparent. Get your own birth certificates, your own access to bank accounts and your own access to parentpay, by yourself and like an adult. None of this is your ex's responsibility to provide to you just as you did not provide it to her.

Edited
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Ill be honest I really didnt know half of this stuff and now I do I have tabs open besides this one to sort this myself. Ive emailed both schools and asked for details also.

OP posts:
SorryfortheTMI · 01/04/2025 14:09

Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 11:55

I would need copies of birth certs to set up savings accts and Im not permitted to have those. I have asked as has my mother. But its been refused.

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A birth certificate is a public document. Anyone can order anyone's. I could order yours if I knew your name, or anyone else's on this thread, or Princess Anne's.
It's not your ex's fault you don't know this. Nor does she have to give you her copies when you could just get your own.
You're trying to come across all calm and reasonable on this thread but it's very transparent. Get your own birth certificates, your own access to bank accounts and your own access to parentpay, by yourself and like an adult. None of this is your ex's responsibility to provide to you just as you did not provide it to her.

Original poster
Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:08

Moonnstars · 01/04/2025 14:05

I agree a formal agreement is needed and I would speak to a solicitor. You need to have set days you see the children and if she is as difficult as you make out, you need to even formalise school holidays and when the other parent can take the children away (if it overlaps the other parents days).
I think you also need to show what you are contributing. Do you have evidence of where in the past you offered to pay for something but then her to reject the offer?
I would keep a log of every incident (whether she takes the children away on your days without agreement, her asking for money, receipts showing what you have paid, bills showing the mortgage/household bills). A solicitor will be best able to help you.

I have it all listed and records of it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:07

I did during a conversation earlier this year explain that what we have in place now is better for her as she is not liable for anything to do with the house but remains on the paperwork so when its sold in due course she will get her 50% of any equity.

If we get a fully legal route she would suddenly have bills to pay and would be worse off.

I dont want to do that as it would hurt her and im not looking to make her suffer. I do care about them all and I just want my sons in the best place which means me paying for the house and bills etc.

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 01/04/2025 14:05

I agree a formal agreement is needed and I would speak to a solicitor. You need to have set days you see the children and if she is as difficult as you make out, you need to even formalise school holidays and when the other parent can take the children away (if it overlaps the other parents days).
I think you also need to show what you are contributing. Do you have evidence of where in the past you offered to pay for something but then her to reject the offer?
I would keep a log of every incident (whether she takes the children away on your days without agreement, her asking for money, receipts showing what you have paid, bills showing the mortgage/household bills). A solicitor will be best able to help you.

12345mummy · 01/04/2025 14:04

If you want to know details about costs as a starting point you can contact the School and ask to be put on your child’s communication list. That way you’ll know any costs that require paying for trips etc and can transfer 50% to your ex-wife.

Original poster
Kingof93 · 01/04/2025 14:02

SilenceInside · 01/04/2025 13:56

You pay for all food and clothing shopping?

I pay for the mortgage and all bills. And half of all their food shopping. She buys her own food. Clothing I dont pay towards but do end up buying ad hoc when I get asked. For example they needed football boots and bike helmets last month so I went and bought them.

OP posts:
MellowPinkDeer · 01/04/2025 14:00

TeenLifeMum · 01/04/2025 13:58

Completely untrue. Dh and I both have access and put payments on dc accounts depending on which of us has time.

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agree. So many on this thread who are wrong on this!