Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seeing someone new but white lie?

35 replies

Newuserxxxx · 01/04/2025 10:35

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable or not. Sorry new here.

I've been in horrific relationships in the past where there's been small lies turned into big lies so I don't know whether I'm over thinking or not.

To keep it short, seeing someone new for a month, met on a dating app.

We added each other on Facebook the other day.

I noticed he posts loads of stuff, football stuff and other random funny stuff when he is at work.

But he has repeatedly told me he's been so busy with work before adding which is why he's gone ages not responding during the day, yet he's posting on social media when he's at work?

I don't expect him to respond to me quickly, I understand people get busy, I do too, but what is bugging me is he's lied, saying he's been so busy doing work, hasn't had time to respond, but posts a few times an hour on Facebook. He's given me a white lie.

Would this irritate you? The fact he's lied about something he has no need to lie about in the first place? It's such a small lie?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
TwistedWonder · 04/04/2025 15:33

Newuserxxxx · 02/04/2025 18:46

Hi everyone, to the people who thought I was over thinking, turns out I wasn't. I had a woman message me on Facebook today and he indeed is in a relationship with her. She saw my messages on his phone. So I knew something was dodgy. I knew in my gut something wasn't right, then when I questioned him he twisted it and blamed me. Glad I got rid of him.

As much as it’s a good thing you’ve found out he’s not single, your concern was about him not messaging you when he’s at work not that he might already be in a relationship

BlondeMummyto1 · 04/04/2025 15:30

It’s a red flag from you imo.

JudithWithABigKnife · 04/04/2025 15:29

Newuserxxxx · 02/04/2025 18:46

Hi everyone, to the people who thought I was over thinking, turns out I wasn't. I had a woman message me on Facebook today and he indeed is in a relationship with her. She saw my messages on his phone. So I knew something was dodgy. I knew in my gut something wasn't right, then when I questioned him he twisted it and blamed me. Glad I got rid of him.

But your 'gut' feeling was just annoyance that he seemed to have time to post funny/football stuff/opinions on social media while claiming not to have time to message you at work. That has nothing to do with the fact that he was two-timing you with someone else.

Original poster
Newuserxxxx · 02/04/2025 18:46

Hi everyone, to the people who thought I was over thinking, turns out I wasn't. I had a woman message me on Facebook today and he indeed is in a relationship with her. She saw my messages on his phone. So I knew something was dodgy. I knew in my gut something wasn't right, then when I questioned him he twisted it and blamed me. Glad I got rid of him.

OP posts:
rockandhardplace123 · 01/04/2025 13:55

I think you are massively over thinking this

dogcatkitten · 01/04/2025 12:35

Newuserxxxx · 01/04/2025 11:55

Please read my previous posts, I don't mind he hasn't responded quick, it's the fact he randomly told me he had been super busy with work, yet he had been posting. It's the white lie I am concerned about.

Show quote history

It certainly sounds like you mind. He said he's busy (working and other things like everyone) some of that busy was posting on facebook, he may also have called a friend on the phone, or gone to lunch with his mum, who knows. You are not the only thing in his life, is he the only thing in yours? Should he have detailed everything he did that stopped him responding to you more quickly so that he wasn't telling a lie by omission?

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 01/04/2025 12:30

Sharing a FB post vs replying and then possible conversation and worrying about how they may respond of replying quickly etc is very difficult. Stop been anxious your starting anxious vs avoidant issues here

TwistedWonder · 01/04/2025 12:24

Newuserxxxx · 01/04/2025 11:47

This is what I think too, am I interested in a man in his 40s posting a lot on social media. He also comments on public things on what is going on around the world, the wars, religion, etc. Instead of just scrolling past and accepting someone's religion, he will comment his own opinion and make his opinion into a fact and the other person's opinion into a lie. It's quite embarrassing when I see it come up on my news feed.

Edited
Show quote history

The loving the sound of his own voice and thinking his opinion is FACT would bother me way more than him posting nonsense during his working day.

mnreader · 01/04/2025 12:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

whathaveiforgotten · 01/04/2025 12:07

He comments on other people’s religions on Facebook? Can you give an example OP? I can’t think of one that wouldn’t make him a dick…

Turtlepineapple · 01/04/2025 12:04

To be completely honest. A 40 year old man sharing random posts on social media multiple times an hour whilst at work, commenting his opinion on posts he sees that are nothing to do with him is enough to give me the instant ick.

I think perhaps it’s not the fact he isn’t messaging you fast enough, it’s probably the amount of crap he’s sharing that’s making you feel uneasy.

I personally sometimes do not message my friends or DH back but will quickly check on fb or have a scroll on mumsnet. It’s not in a horrible way it’s just a bit of me time. But yeah multiple times every hour is normal for a 16 year old, not 40.

JHound · 01/04/2025 12:01

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/04/2025 10:47

I think it sounds as though you need to do some work on yourself and getting over the aftermath of your past horrific relationships and how they cause you to react to situations before starting a new one. You’re going to drive yourself and any new partner mad with things like accusing them of lying over posting on social media when they said they were busy.

People don’t usually mean they had literally not a second to themselves when they say they were too busy to respond to a message. They usually mean “I didn’t have the headspace to do this particular task which required a bit of thought in how I answered and trying to find something clever or witty to say.”

Show quote history

Ok this is fair and another way of thinking about it I had not thought of. I think I was being very literal as I tend to be and would never say “I was too busy with work to respond” unless that was true!

Original poster
Newuserxxxx · 01/04/2025 11:55

PrawnAgain · 01/04/2025 11:51

I'd see it as a massive red flag if I told someone I was casually dating that I was busy and they challenged me because they'd been monitoring my social media to verify how busy I was....

Please read my previous posts, I don't mind he hasn't responded quick, it's the fact he randomly told me he had been super busy with work, yet he had been posting. It's the white lie I am concerned about.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 01/04/2025 11:55

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/04/2025 10:39

I can idly check my social media without much thought, simultaneously putting off replying to a personal message which requires more thought to put together. I imagine this man is the same, as are many people. Getting your nose out of joint because you think if he has any free time he needs to use it responding to your messages sooner is unreasonable - but if it’s very important to you that people do so, I don’t think this is the relationship for you. He hasn’t lied about anything, his time prioritisation just means he puts different tasks in a particular order.

Edited

Agree with this. I can casually check SM, like a mates FB post, send a ha ha, quick post on here or whatever within 30 seconds whereas I take more time and thought to reply up a message, which I really do until o get home.

I don’t think he’s lying at all, he just doesn’t see SM posting same way as sending messages to a potential date.

Also there’s no such thing as a white lie - it’s either a lie or it isn’t and I don’t see what he’s doing as lying at all.

JHound · 01/04/2025 11:53

As multiple blokes have told me - nobody is ever too busy to respond.

I don’t think that’s necessarily cut and dry but a “hey super busy so won’t be able to chat / message properly till later” takes seconds.

ilovesooty · 01/04/2025 11:52

PrawnAgain · 01/04/2025 11:51

I'd see it as a massive red flag if I told someone I was casually dating that I was busy and they challenged me because they'd been monitoring my social media to verify how busy I was....

I agree. I'd be running a mile if I were him.

PrawnAgain · 01/04/2025 11:51

I'd see it as a massive red flag if I told someone I was casually dating that I was busy and they challenged me because they'd been monitoring my social media to verify how busy I was....

JHound · 01/04/2025 11:51

You are just not a priority for him. I would take that information and act accordingly.

Original poster
Newuserxxxx · 01/04/2025 11:47

Rhiannon93 · 01/04/2025 11:03

Yes this would irritate me. ‘If he wanted to, he would’
My partner will always text me at least once during the day to check how I am.
It may be that your conversations have quite long messages and it’d need a lot of brain power for him to respond though? Especially if you’re early on.
but at the same time I wouldn’t be interested in a grown man who posts on Facebook all day. I also wouldn’t be interested in a football man, been there done that, it takes over their lives.
My gut would tell me this guy was off to be honest

This is what I think too, am I interested in a man in his 40s posting a lot on social media. He also comments on public things on what is going on around the world, the wars, religion, etc. Instead of just scrolling past and accepting someone's religion, he will comment his own opinion and make his opinion into a fact and the other person's opinion into a lie. It's quite embarrassing when I see it come up on my news feed.

OP posts:
FidosMum84 · 01/04/2025 11:29

This is massively overthinking after a month together. I’ve been crazy busy all morning so I’ve gone into another room to doom scroll on here to clear my head. I’ve also checked fb. I know I won’t get a break until late afternoon, but do I want to start a text exchange now? No.
Take a breath, he’s done nothing wrong.

MattCauthon · 01/04/2025 11:10

Well, as someone who loves a bit of facebook, I'd be more concerned about the endless facebook posting! An update, a picture, a meme... fine. The people who post endless things throughout the day are just weird in my opinion. glares at DH's extended family.

However, I think often people have a sort of automatic "share" button as they're looking at things and then it populates everywhere so to be fair, it's not always a conscious "I must share" moment.

Rhiannon93 · 01/04/2025 11:03

Yes this would irritate me. ‘If he wanted to, he would’
My partner will always text me at least once during the day to check how I am.
It may be that your conversations have quite long messages and it’d need a lot of brain power for him to respond though? Especially if you’re early on.
but at the same time I wouldn’t be interested in a grown man who posts on Facebook all day. I also wouldn’t be interested in a football man, been there done that, it takes over their lives.
My gut would tell me this guy was off to be honest

Thelnebriati · 01/04/2025 11:02

I wouldn't treat it as a red flag, it sounds like he is managing your expectations. For some reason he doesn't feel able to just say that he won't respond to your messages straight away, or while he is at work. Maybe he's posting about football or memes because he's with his work mates, and in that head space?

LadyIce2 · 01/04/2025 10:58

You are overthinking it! He might be very busy, hence taking micro breaks to cope with the stress. Putting something funny on Facebook takes no effort whereas responding to someone you are into actually takes effort (wants to make sure he says the right thing). As long as he gets back to you within a reasonable time frame (e.g. on his lunch break or after work), I don't see anything to worry about.

Atlas2022 · 01/04/2025 10:55

My boyfriend does this alllll the time - doesn't reply to my text but will send a meme. It was a bit annoying at first but I have learned that it has absolutely no reflection on our relationship or how he feels about me.
As PP said its very easy to dip in and out mindlessly on SM. If he's right in other ways, I'd let this go.