To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

I also think you’re being made a fool of. He is in love with this woman. It’s plain as day. Leave before your mental health ends up in tatters

He’s vile op. Leave the fuxker

Unbelievable... I second what PP say about him sounding besotted. She has really manipulated him.

'He’s all about the obligation to keep up appearances.'

At the expense of your respect/trust/relationship. Perhaps other posters are correct, is he infatuated by her? It's utterly bizarre.

I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when he went to her house, how on earth did he get it back! And you said you’d update as to plan to keep it and a big row so she can block dh? What does that mean?

It seems to me she has some sort of hold over him, or he is besotted with her. I saw this with a family member DH hadn’t met long term (adopted) and I was being left out of conversations. It got to a point I asked our DD to sit nearby to assess if it was just me. And she felt there was something off about the woman as well.

can your children visit relatives or friends so you can sit down for a chat? There is nothing wrong that your feelings for her are different to his, but your relationship must come first in his eyes.

Well it’s good news on the whole op.

Make sure the money is well protected!

Does the gift matter such a lot in the new context?

EtA some will say it does because they love to keep a drama thread on life support! I think you’ve done brilliantly. Many predicted you wouldn’t get it back. Just go to her party and feel rich and smug.

I would be very watchful now as he might be trusting this woman even more now as he will believe she is worthy of his trust as she has returned the money. He will see this as vindicating his belief in her. He is deluded and will ignore what it took to get it back and she will be able to say that she returned the first loan when he needed it.

'He’s all about the obligation to keep up appearances.'

For what? How will that benefit either of you?

He wouldn't be going anywhere near her or her family without me.

Sorry OP I've become angry about your situation.

I'd tell him that you couldn't give a fuck about keeping up appearances with the kind of people who rob Peter to pay Paul. You have no interest in socialising with this woman ever again, and if you ever find out that he has lent family money to her or anyone else again without your permission, he'll be in receipt of divorce papers before the week is out.

How is it going now? Does he still want to go? Have you decided whether or not to go? Did you get to the bottom of how he got such a big bank transfer so quickly?

He shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near her.

have you secured all avenues of family funding?

she is flattering him with attention. Count struck without the o. I’ve seen this with DH when he engaging with a bio sister after not knowing his bio half. She tried working a treat with him. Almost reads like a book.

Absolutely this.
Even if she doesn't mention it, tell her that you are relieved she has repaid the £40k as you were very concerned you might not see it again with a "tinkley laugh".

In a nice clear voice so that those around you will hear and think WTF.

Your husband is honestly baffling me. How could you be with someone like this. All the aggravation she has caused you- his wife, arguments caused etc, and all he says is what present shall we buy her for her party. I’d be telling him to take a running jump!
of course it isnt just her fault- this fool of a man leant her the money in the first place. However rhere is something greatly amiss here and I don’t think you have been told the truth. There is a lot of secret conversations and quick ‘pop ins’

Your DH is an idiot. Glad you've the money back. As for a gift for her 50th. The interest free loan is sufficient!! Frankly she should have offered/paid interest to you. Particularly if the loan has cost you money (interest you've paid out as the money hasn't been available to pay off your bills!).

If you go to the party laugh and chat and smile. If she mentions it say cheerfully oh yes we were getting quite concerned, 40k is a lot of money for us to not know when you can give it back (she won’t be expecting you to say details out loud, she doesn’t want anyone to know that, this will back foot her and she won’t want anyone to hear) , glad you’ve got your finances in order.

Honestly OP, your husband is such a weak creep.
Ready to sacrifice his own family to fund his betters.
How can you even look at him.
NEVER trust him again.

You are 10 times the person he is.
NEVER trust him again.
Tell everyone about her.
I would absolutely be reporting her to her regulatory body.

She's a grifter and your moron of a husband was her dumb mark.

I worked for some very wealthy people, it's quite a heady experience to be around money, isn't it. I can see how your DH has been drawn in.

Were I you (and you have probably already done this) I would point out that while she was able to keep her money to make money for her and not having any legal documentation around the loan, any payment or interest terms that it is less likely she would have paid it back at any time. In the meantime she was suggesting that he and you not only pay interest on a remortgage for him having helped her for 0%, she was trying to encourage tying up both your property effectively costing you more money if you needed to sell up and break a trust to move to a suitable house for you future.

Financal problems are an absolute killer for relationships as you well know. So effectively she was willing to leave you both without money, remortgaged paying interest for years to come, potentially paying out more money than need be in putting your house in a trust and causing arguments in your marriage and causing a rift between you so he attends the parties without you and she can potentially make up any lies she likes to get him out of the way, out of work and break up his family whenever it suits her. All so she could have a 40K loan, nah she was hoping to tie him up in so many distractions he wouldn't notice them fading out from his life and not repaying a penny and then sticking him for more money.

I'd ask him exactly why he thinks these are the actions of a friend. And what on earth does he think he has done to cause such hatred.

These people are manipulators, they are parasites on normal working people, she probably thought taking your money was fucking hilarious. I wouldn't be anywhere near friends like this, they are no friends at all.

Stay friends with these people and they will bleed you both dry and break up your family, they are a poison without an antidote.

“Neither a borrower, nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell; my blessing season this in thee!”

William Shakespeare

I would gather all the info and report her to the FCA.

You have your money back now, nothing to lose.

Realistically are you/he even still invited now shes had to hand back £40K?

Oh dear. He sounds almost star struck, wanting to hang around with the rich people. Pretending he can afford to lend them £40k suggests he’s pretending to be something he’s not. I hope things work out for you OP, but I’m not convinced you won’t have more problems like this in the future. Has he agreed to hand full control of the finances to you at least?

I’m glad things have turned out okay in the end. Does your DH still want to be friends with her after the way she’s treated him?