To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

Would your DH still go?
Will he be giving an excuse for your absence.

Don’t go. You don’t have to. You have no obligation to maintain a “friendship” that was more your DHs in the first place. This woman has disrespected you, your DH has been incredibly underhand in this whole situation.

Look after yourself above all others at this point. Maintain your sanity and your assets!

I think it would be a good idea to keep a distance between you and this woman. Something is going on and you haven't got to the truth of it yet.

It's almost impossible to tell what's really going on. But
quite a few of your DH's actions don't make sense.

From another POV, Maybe he gave her the £40k so she could "look after it" for him - for whatever reason - and his mumbling about her looking after assets was to see if you'd be agreeable to her "looking after" more of your joint assets.

That could explain why it was so easy for her to just return it when you were kicking up a fuss about it and why He still wants to go to the party and play nice.

Whatever way you look at it. You've not got all the information yet.
Keep a very close eye on your accounts.
The whole thing is hard to believe.

This is more or less what I was feeling when advising not to do or say anything malicious at this stage op. I say that with the proviso that, as I understand it, you now have the money back? ( Though have you confirmed this with your own eyes!?)

You were asking me why I felt the anger was justified before, but it is time to ease down. I totally understand why you are angry - and as another op pointed out it is still very fresh.

However, up until this point your anger was directed at achieving a purpose, namely restoring the funds to you. This was a reasonable demand and needed to happen. Until it hadn’t been rectified, anger was a justified position. However, people have to be able to put things right and, as I understand it, she has. I wouldn’t be trusting her again, I’d be very clear with DH that you are opposed to any further financial involvement with her. But all those things are designed to give you substantive protection. Going to the party and publicly humiliating or “ outing” her is just vindictive at this point; it can’t bring about further restorative action on her part, but merely seeks to upset her, which will backfire and make you look ( and ultimately feel) like the toxic one. If she’s given it back, she can simply say that and any third party would - with reason - wonder why you are ruining the evening for everyone about something that is already rectified in substantive terms.

I can see it might have been cathartic to have a grovelling apology, but I’m actually not sure your DH has been open enough with her about the background on your side for her to understand you might expect one. It seems to me he has fudged and concealed your objections with stories about his sister needing it back etc etc. I don’t think the woman has the full picture because your DH has obfuscated, trying to look (I think) like the “ cool headed financier.” I understand that was wrong of him, but you have to be careful to isolate the strands of the situation and see what aspects she is actually responsible for.

MN can be a place where, because there are women seeking to empower each other, ( which is great) there can be a subtle digression from having your claws out justifiably to stand your ground, to a less discerning blanket attitude that being a “ fearless woman” who is generally hurling insults and baying for blood is some kind of role model to aspire to. I think it should be all about proportionality ( and I suspect sometimes the ones who claim “ I’d just be telling her, doing Y” are often playing out fantasies or simply wanting to escalate someone else’s situation for the juicy updates. LTB for all manner of minor transgressions like leaving up the loo seat is a classic eg of this!) .

Use your anger when you need it, but not to drag yourself down in a cycle of aggression and ill will. And bravo again for getting it back!

You have been living with the stress of this for a long time. It will take time for that stress to dissipate.

At the same time as the financial stress you have also discovered that your DH is not reliable. You have discovered that there is a weak, foolish, vain side to his character that maybe you weren't aware of before.

This is all a lot to take on board. Perfectly fine for you to not want to have anything more to do with these people. The scales have slipped from your eyes. You can now see how much of their 'specialness' is just fake.

In your shoes I wouldn't go to this party. You risk just feeling angry and upset for the whole time. Your DH can go, it's only a party, he can make up whatever story he wants to explain your absence. But make it clear to him that this is on him. You want nothing to do with these people, they have cost you too much financially and emotionally.

Read up on and if you can watch the doco and/or the tv series about Australian conwoman Melissa Caddick - whose main victims were close family and friends.

Melissa Caddick - Wikipedia

And then I think you should go to the party, eat a lot of hors d'oeuvres, and enjoy yourself mingling with the crowd and popping in references to the story of Melissa Caddick and her "investors", and how much you enjoyed recently watching ConMum...

Also, how much interest did you fork out on her free loan? And why is she not paying you interest on this loan? It’s standard practice. She is supposedly a financial advisor.

Everything about this is suspect.

Keep your enemies close. If your DH is going to this party, you need to be there too. Keep a close eye on him and make sure nobody suspects you’re onto them.

There’s something fishy going on but you don’t want anyone to realise you’ve copped on. Trust nobody. Especially not your DH.

I feel so sorry for you OP.
How you can stomach that weasel you married, how you can even looknat him.

Please do not doubt yourself and your upset.
What they have put you through is horrific.
Please focus on legal advice and divorce.

He is absolute scum and couldn't care less about you or his family.

You need to focus on getting away from him.
Tell everyone you know privately what has happened and report her to her regulatory body.

She knows well your husband is a moron, that is why he was targeted.

Please mind yourself.

Please don’t make a scene at the party. You will only regret it later. If you can’t even convince your husband that you’re right, how are you going to convince a room full of her friends? And the smear campaign on social media that will follow? It will just blow up in your face.

Please do follow all the excellent advise above regarding financial security.

This x 100.

The whole speedy paying back and your DHs kowtowing (sp?) to CF Ponzi woman still smells as fishy as an old kipper.
Don't let him go alone to the party.
Speak to his sister and see if she corroborates what your DH told you.

Yeah, still boggling at the ‘having to visit sister in real life’ bit. What was that all about?!

and I’m gobsmacked at the gift buying. I would not have been able to stomach that or say nothing. Was it from family funds?

yes she’s given the money back, I would draw a line there now but also insist she was completely cut out of my family’s lives on account of the stress and strain she’s put on the marriage (and the risk you could have lost a lot financially).

in your shoes, if my husband still insisted on putting their relationship / friendship (whatever weirdness it is) before our marriage and the good of our own relationship and family like this, I would be seeing a solicitor and leaving him.

This scenario is so odd and your DH and his motives are unfathomable.

Why do you give a crap about going to this stupid party? It doesn't matter.

What does matter is going independently to a REAL financial advisor with all your details and as many many posters have said making sure you are financially protected, contacting your bank to see which account in which name the repayment money has come from, registering your interest in the property with land registry and contacting your mortgage company. There's probably other things but a financial advisor would tell you. Taking £40k out of your assets, without telling you is asset depletion, something people do to avoid splitting assets in a divorce.

You seem to be focussing instead on what you might say to Con Mum, to mutual friends, (including the ones you are telling the whole story to at the gym) and his brother. One of the few people you should be talking to is his sister to find out what she knows about the loan etc.

Forget the party. Protect your finances.

@SpaceMoo I read your early posts, but only just caught up with your more recent ones. So I'm glad you have apparently got your money back.

But I agree with the other posters, that you need to be proactive now, if you are not divorcing your DH. (Personally, I would be seriously thinking about this, as you will never be able to trust him again).

But if you stay together, you need to protect your financial affairs, so that he cannot ever again, give away any money, or make any large financial decisions without your knowledge and signature. Having read the more recent updates, this woman is clearly living beyond her means and constantly moving money around - robbing Peter to pay Paul. And as someone else said, you need to check out whether the woman really returned the money, or your DH got it from someone/somewhere else and now has a huge debt himself?

I'm still really confused about why he actually had to go and visit his sister. I understand the bit about him pretending some of it was her money, but why on earth did he have to visit her in real life? Also why a visit? Why not a phone call or text message or email? I just don't get it and it's just such a bizarre piece of the puzzle to me that it's really sticking. It just seems to exemplify the oddness of the things that keep happening.

OP, having read the entire thread, I have to say that in your shoes I would still divorce this man. He is a liar, cannot be trusted with money, and one day you might even find the police at your door, which will be when you find out what this was really all about. You still don't really know what happened, do you? You only know what he's told you, and we all know that he's lied. He even lied to you about where he was going, the night when he went round there, and spoke to the woman and her DH. Why didn't he tell you where he was going?

I just COULD NOT trust him after this.

Also, I think you've been asked quite a few times, but haven't answered, have you now taken every possible precaution to ensure that if you do stay with him, (in my view you'd be stupid if you did), that he can NEVER get his hands on any large amounts of money, ever again, without your signature? Have you checked your credit to ensure that he's not taken out another loan, in order to 'pay back' what this woman owed you? I would also, ensure that you're registered with the Land Registry, so that if anyone tries to sell your home without your knowledge, you will be informed. If you haven't, you can do it here: https://propertyalert.landregistry.gov.uk

Finally, have you spoken to his sister since his visit, and told her what he's done? It does seem VERY strange that he felt the need to go and visit her, after lying to the woman about some of the money being hers, as there was clearly no need to do that. Is there any way in which his sister could have loaned him the £40k, to pay you back? Maybe he called her and told her he needed a large loan for something, and would call in and explain it all at the weekend, but could she lend him the money NOW, as he needs it URGENTLY! Sorry if this sounds unlikely, but after everything he's done, quite frankly, I wouldn't believe a word he says, hence my advice to divorce him.

I agree that anger isn't helpful at this point @Calliopespa - but don't forget OP has had months and months of arguing with her husband and trying to get this money back - at this point she's had it what, 5 days? I think for now, working through her anger is fine. If she's still seething in a couple of months, maybe then she should think about dialling it back.

I can understand how you feel op but I do think this is the correct juncture to try to ease back your anger - as you have correctly observed, it makes you feel awful too ( and possibly more than it will make her feel bad.)

Im so sorry but I’m just caught up right now but will reply more fully soon! WIWS before signing off is I genuinely don’t think your DH is having an affair. If I thought that I’d still be telling you to have your claws out! 🤣

I was fully in favour of OP “ finding her anger “ when it was directed toward getting the money back.

I believe it is that sort of targeted anger that is useful in “stopping cheeky fuckers riding roughshod.”

But I think at this point continuing with unpleasantness is just superfluous and the kind of dynamic that ends up just making you bitter, twisted and generally gnarled and unpleasant. I think anger to a purpose is quite different.