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Original poster

To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

737 replies

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 09:44

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

OP posts:
justkeepswimingswiming · 01/04/2025 10:22

Why an earth did you hand over 40k with no written agreement?! This won’t stand in court!

You need to get her to admit over text that she owes you this money to have some leg to stand on.

Kissedbyfire1 · 01/04/2025 10:22

I think it’s ultimatum time with your DH - he gets the money back in the next 6 weeks or it’s divorce. He needs to understand that what he has done is effectively take your family into debt so he can gift this other family £40k. You’re not getting the money back, the reason why there’s no loan agreement is because your husband never intended it to be a loan. He’s gifted this money in order to stay friends with people he admires. Are there any cultural factors in play here OP?

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:22

Ineffable23 · 01/04/2025 10:17

Can you arrange for her to start paying the money back monthly, so you have enough to make your own debt payments, while she sells the property?

Agreed. And if she won’t agree to that, find what she will agree to and PUT IT IN WRITING. Even if you aren’t thrilled with the terms she will agree to, you at least need something in writing to evidence that she owes you. It needn’t be a falling out. Just say you want a “plan” in place, let her specify what she feels she can manage, and get her signature. At this point that is the important bit and I’d be inclined to agree to something lenient just to get her on paper.

CarCrashLifes · 01/04/2025 10:21

You have a DH problem. That he’s lent that amount of money without even discussing with you is the issue here.

Original poster
SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:20

Whyherewego · 01/04/2025 09:53

Do you have a formal loan agreement or is it informal?
If the former, then it depends on what the terms are in the agreement? Does it specify when it will be paid back? Contact a solicitor and start enforcing the agreement.
If it's an informal loan, then you need to make sure you have something in writing that confirms it is a loan (not a gift) and that she intends to pay it back. Text messages would do but ideally email. If you don't have this then I'd agree with DH, stay on good terms until you have the documented evidence that it is a loan and that she does intend to pay back at some point and that you've asked for it back. Without this you've not a leg to stand on as she can claim it was a gift

Will a text message do?

OP posts:
CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 01/04/2025 10:20

What did your husband say to convince you to loan this much. It's a huge amount. You could be getting £1.5 k interest a year on it, and you have debts too. I find it bizarrre that you would lend somebody this much money. If they have an extra house extra I find it bizarre that they don't have savings of their own. And no written agreement. Even with family I'd have a contract and agreed pay back schedule. It's very strange.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 01/04/2025 10:20

This story is so bizarre if it’s not an April Fool, I have no clue as to why someone would basically hand over 40k to a wealthy family.
I wouldn’t go the party.
I would divorce my DH for being so underhand.
And start again.

ButThisIsMyHappyFace · 01/04/2025 10:19

Since he lent the money without telling you, presumably he won’t mind you getting the solicitors involved without telling him! You need to get legal help FAST.

Ineffable23 · 01/04/2025 10:17

Can you arrange for her to start paying the money back monthly, so you have enough to make your own debt payments, while she sells the property?

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:17

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:15

Yup was a mistake to lend.

But as your DH is the closer friend and as he wants to not fall out I think you have no choice. If they fall out and you can’t get the money, it’ll all be your “ fault.”

Show quote history

And fwiw I think he’s right. People find it easier to disappoint and mistreat people they are not on good terms with.

Its why “The Script” of men having affairs reads as it does. Create tension so if feels less bad to cheat.

Original poster
SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:16

Ohthatsabitshit · 01/04/2025 10:15

Do you have anything in writing?

No:( except the bank transaction.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:15

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 09:49

DH also thinks if we don’t go, and start withdrawing from friendship it will be harder to get the money back. I’m worried he’s been groomed. She’s older than us, her DH is a Doctor, her son and daughter both have professional jobs, she also is in finance. I feel the whole thing was a con. We weren’t even that close as friends and have never borrowed from them.

I am so furious at DH and never agreed to lending them money in the first place. (Long story)

Yup was a mistake to lend.

But as your DH is the closer friend and as he wants to not fall out I think you have no choice. If they fall out and you can’t get the money, it’ll all be your “ fault.”

Ohthatsabitshit · 01/04/2025 10:15

Do you have anything in writing?

Original poster
SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:14

I have considered a divorce. DH is always doing this (the savings was burning a hole in his pocket!) but in the past it’s been with family who have always paid it back. No loan agreement. I didn’t event realise he would be this stupid. We have been friends with them for over two decades. They are ‘visibly rich’. Big house, two cars each, gated house. I felt silly to be questioning if they would give it back.

She asked to borrow, she does have a house we know about. We’ve seen it. She did have problems with her tenants who she couldn’t evict and has a court hearing to evict them. Then she can sell the property and give us the money back. This is all true and I believe it. Problem is it’s taken her longer to give us the money back and now we are tied into her selling this house of hers and have to hear about it, keep up with it like it all depends on this. She can afford to give us the money back without selling the house.

I don’t know if I’m being extra anxious and suspicious and DH keeps saying I don’t do risky things etc and has cornered me into feeling like I’m being petty.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 01/04/2025 10:12

Why on earth would you loan £40000 for a friend's son to buy a house?

NuitDeSable · 01/04/2025 10:11

There is more to this and it involves your husband being more familiar with either the wife or the husband than you realise.

I hope you get the money back but the way they are jerking you around makes me feel that it's going to be very difficult.

The other possible scenario is that if it's your husbands friends and he's the one doing all the negotiations with them is that it's all a bloody big lie and he's gambled the money away and is using them as a cover.

Gelatibon · 01/04/2025 10:10

Why on earth did you do that? I think that's relevant, because I can't think of a reason that doesn't include coercion.

ChimneyPot · 01/04/2025 10:10

So basically you went into debt to lent this persons child 40k?
They are not your friend. No friend would expect or accept this unless it was for life saving treatment.

I hope you involved a solicitor when making the loan.

BodyKeepingScore · 01/04/2025 10:08

So this woman decided to help her son buy a home… despite not being able to afford to. And your DH decided that you both should be the ones funding that?
How did she propose paying you both back if she didn’t have the funds to begin with? I’d be taking legal action personally.

pimplebum · 01/04/2025 10:05

I can only assume your DH is having an affair with her , why else would you do such an insane thing ??

why didn’t you pay back your loan or get the extension done ?
why are you in debt ?
what paperwork do you have to prove this lian ever took place
why are you not concerned ?

BlondeMummyto1 · 01/04/2025 10:04

It sounds like your relationship may not last nevermind the friendship.

Chunkilumptious · 01/04/2025 10:03

So you're in debt and lent them 40 grand? And haven't even completed your planned renovations?

And do you have a loan agreement?

CarrieOnComplaining · 01/04/2025 10:03

If it is a loan in writing or you have evidence I would seek advice from a solicitor. On your own without DH knowledge if necessary.

I wonder what is really going on? If they had a property to sell all they had to do was wait to sell it before giving their Dc money. I wonder if there is some dodgy dealing somehow.

Genevieva · 01/04/2025 10:01

Go to the party. Don’t take a present. Then, afterwards, write a formal letter reiterating the terms of the loan (amount, tenure, interest agreed) and say you need it paid back within a certain period of time that you deem reasonable (a month or maybe three - whatever you consider fair). If that is not met, then you will start court proceedings.

femfemlicious · 01/04/2025 10:01

What we're the terms of the loan?

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