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Original poster

To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

737 replies

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 09:44

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:35

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:32

Is it too late to ask her for a loan agreement now since it is taking so long for her to give us the money back? DH thinks this shows distrust and pretty much ends the friendship.

I think the friendship is over. She obviously doesn’t know me and DH are arguing about it, so it may not be her fault (?) - if she’s not playing us and conning us.

Don’t word it as a loan agreement. Word it as a repayment schedule - and give her free rein over the terms so she is tempted to agree one. The point is getting her acknowledgment that repayment is envisaged.

kweenkweenie · 01/04/2025 10:34

If this is true (which I very much doubt)
you have only got yourself to blame.

So many weird posts on MN nowadays.

Starlight1984 · 01/04/2025 10:34

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:33

Do you think she’ll run to her top drawer and pull the money out?

Nope.

She’ll deem the friendship over and have zero to lose by refusing.

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Sorry but the friendship is most likely over regardless. She's going on expensive holidays and flying business class whilst owing her "friends" £40,000???

Underthepalmtree · 01/04/2025 10:34

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:32

You need to gently guide her into something on paper op.

I’d use her friendliness against her in that respect.

If you put your foot down now, you’re putting it down on nothing. It’s literally a case of “ nothing to stand on.” Your only hope then is she likes you enough to want you appease you - and I doubt it.

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She's not going to put anything on paper. She's conned them. At best it will be a text message or email if they are lucky.

Get legal advice and find out what you need her to say in a text message or email so you can take it to court.

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:33

Starlight1984 · 01/04/2025 10:32

Absolutely this 👏

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Do you think she’ll run to her top drawer and pull the money out?

Nope.

She’ll deem the friendship over and have zero to lose by refusing.

Original poster
SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:32

Is it too late to ask her for a loan agreement now since it is taking so long for her to give us the money back? DH thinks this shows distrust and pretty much ends the friendship.

I think the friendship is over. She obviously doesn’t know me and DH are arguing about it, so it may not be her fault (?) - if she’s not playing us and conning us.

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 01/04/2025 10:32

Nextdoortomeis · 01/04/2025 10:27

Go to the party and make a toast asking for the money back.
You have a massive DH problem

Absolutely this 👏

Underthepalmtree · 01/04/2025 10:32

Get some legal advice yourself. Don't wait for your DH to be onboard with it. Just find out where your stand and if you have a case.

Your DH will probably never support you going legal because he will have to face up to the fact he's been a total fuckwit. Male ego does not like to admit its been conned.

You have been conned, question is what to do next.

I don't agree that playing nice will get you the money back, that's just weakness talking. Now is the time to be a hard arse bitch and make it clear you won't be going away. Screw the friendship, because they certainly don't see you as friends.

Start getting legal advice and plan your next move.

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:32

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:28

Sorry to post this on April fools. Party is in two weeks and I honestly can’t be bothered to get her a gift! She thinks everything is great btw. Has sent messages asking for photos of us to do a presentation of her friends and family.

Now, I ask here because could I be wrong? She is continuing the friendship like everything is okay. Has asked us out for dinner on several occasions. DH has said I’m busy.

I want someone to say I’m wrong. DH said I’ll have to apologise when she does give the money back, for all this chaos and drama.

You need to gently guide her into something on paper op.

I’d use her friendliness against her in that respect.

If you put your foot down now, you’re putting it down on nothing. It’s literally a case of “ nothing to stand on.” Your only hope then is she likes you enough to want you appease you - and I doubt it.

Sidebeforeself · 01/04/2025 10:31

Oh and you can kiss that £40k goodbye

CanOfMangoTango · 01/04/2025 10:31

I would go to the party and confront them loudly in front of all their guests.

The friendship is done anyway, no one who was actually a friend would take that amount of money without a formal loan agreement.

Whether they pay you back or not, I would feel deeply resentful at the stress and worry it has caused.

It's basically ruined your marriage. I would be really angry at them. And DH, but that's a problem for another day.

Sidebeforeself · 01/04/2025 10:31

Fgs . Grow up Op. Have grown up conversations with your husband and this woman. Stop blaming him.. you are just as culpable

Thelnebriati · 01/04/2025 10:31

I think you should see a solicitor, on your own, and see what they have to say about the whole situation and lay out your options. They will be able to see things without any of the emotional involvement of marriage and friendship.

lazycats · 01/04/2025 10:29

No advice, but this was the exact plot of a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode.

Original poster
SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:28

Sorry to post this on April fools. Party is in two weeks and I honestly can’t be bothered to get her a gift! She thinks everything is great btw. Has sent messages asking for photos of us to do a presentation of her friends and family.

Now, I ask here because could I be wrong? She is continuing the friendship like everything is okay. Has asked us out for dinner on several occasions. DH has said I’m busy.

I want someone to say I’m wrong. DH said I’ll have to apologise when she does give the money back, for all this chaos and drama.

OP posts:
Nextdoortomeis · 01/04/2025 10:27

Go to the party and make a toast asking for the money back.
You have a massive DH problem

Starlight1984 · 01/04/2025 10:27

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:20

Will a text message do?

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A text message?! For a £40k loan?!

Jesus fucking wept.

Charmofgoldfinch · 01/04/2025 10:26

No formal agreement?! OMG OP what was your DH thinking? And is your dept accruing interest in this time? If so you are in effect paying the interest on her loan.
you need to get something in writing to show that it was a loan and not a gift, and her agreeing to payment terms if possible. Until that is done I wouldn’t cut her out just yet and would keep playing nice.

id also be keeping a close eye on yours and DHs finances to see if he has loaned money to anyone else- and possible start putting money aside in an account of your own if you don’t already have one as he seems to have form to lend people money without your agreeement

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:26

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:24

I feel this.I know. He has been sleeping in spare room since January. We have two kids and he’s normally great.

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He’s made a mistake op. Don’t make it bigger than that if he’s normally great.

But from this point he follows your plan ( bearing in mind he’s right about not falling out with her).

Original poster
SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:24

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 01/04/2025 10:20

This story is so bizarre if it’s not an April Fool, I have no clue as to why someone would basically hand over 40k to a wealthy family.
I wouldn’t go the party.
I would divorce my DH for being so underhand.
And start again.

I feel this.I know. He has been sleeping in spare room since January. We have two kids and he’s normally great.

OP posts:
Mulledjuice · 01/04/2025 10:24

BlondeMummyto1 · 01/04/2025 09:56

Why would four professional adults need to borrow £40k from you? They must be up to their eyeballs in debt living a lifestyle they can’t afford.

Is there even a house?

This.

If she is in that level of debt then her job in finance will be in jeopardy.

Get to a solicitors now.

What proof do you have that you lent the money? I mean that it was a loan not a gift?

Beeloux · 01/04/2025 10:23

OMG I thought you were gonna say she owed you £100 not 40K! 😵
I would be getting solicitors involved 100%. My friend had something similar happen to her but with 2k. She publicly outed her so called friend on social media and she returned the money straight away. Maybe worth a thought!

Thegreyestate · 01/04/2025 10:23

OP, definitely definitely keep the relationship with this couple sweet until you get the money back.

SapphOhNo · 01/04/2025 10:23

You have a DH problem...and a naivety problem.

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:23

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:20

Will a text message do?

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It’s better than nothing. But I’d attempt a document by asking her to put “ her” plan for repayment in writing.