Page 27 | To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

SpaceMoo · 2025-04-01T08:44:44+00:00

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc. Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused. It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

Original poster

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:54

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:51

She could. It’s worth staying friendly to get something in writing op as if you get that you are in a stronger position.

I don’t think this is a case of her mistaking it as a gift; you aren’t family. I don’t think she will even try to argue that unless and until things turn feral.

But I’d try to get something in writing ahead of her party: she may feel pressured to “ clear things up” ahead of it and might be more keen to shut you up and settle you down.

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Yes, I feel like I should get written agreement from her BEFORE I go to the party. Or take it to the party for her to sign in a corner.

OP posts:

TranceNation · 01/04/2025 10:53

That's a crazy amount of money to lend with no legal framework to define a regular payback of that loan. I also question why her son needed that loan. If they can't get a loan through the proper avenues then it usually means they are a high risk loan with a poor credit rating.

As for the point in hand and the party: I personally would be reluctant to fall out with friend as seeing as their is no legal framework for repayment she could just walk away from any knowledge of your loan altogether, although she seems to be doing that anyway.

kweenkweenie · 01/04/2025 10:53

Whyherewego · 01/04/2025 10:51

It's definitely too late to ask for a loan agreement and she's under zero obligation to sign it.
I'd personally play nicely until you get sufficient evidence that a solicitor agrees means you'd have a case that could be taken to court. Not that I'm saying get that far but you want to know you've got a firm footing

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I’d record her.

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:51

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 01/04/2025 10:45

Without any agreement could she not say it was a gift?

I think this is a divorcable matter I’m afraid… he doesn’t respect you!

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She could. It’s worth staying friendly to get something in writing op as if you get that you are in a stronger position.

I don’t think this is a case of her mistaking it as a gift; you aren’t family. I don’t think she will even try to argue that unless and until things turn feral.

But I’d try to get something in writing ahead of her party: she may feel pressured to “ clear things up” ahead of it and might be more keen to shut you up and settle you down.

Whyherewego · 01/04/2025 10:51

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:32

Is it too late to ask her for a loan agreement now since it is taking so long for her to give us the money back? DH thinks this shows distrust and pretty much ends the friendship.

I think the friendship is over. She obviously doesn’t know me and DH are arguing about it, so it may not be her fault (?) - if she’s not playing us and conning us.

It's definitely too late to ask for a loan agreement and she's under zero obligation to sign it.
I'd personally play nicely until you get sufficient evidence that a solicitor agrees means you'd have a case that could be taken to court. Not that I'm saying get that far but you want to know you've got a firm footing

Original poster

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:50

Do you think she will break up with us to keep this money? We know all her family and know her neighbours and colleagues and some of her clients. We could be very horrible if we had to. DH thinks she’s a very honest person but she is not getting it that we WANT IT BACK ASAP!

I feel like I should text her and tell her I don’t know what arrangements she has made with DH but it was without my consent and I’d like a written legal document stipulating the loan amount and when it will be returned in its entirety.

OP posts:

Whyherewego · 01/04/2025 10:48

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:20

Will a text message do?

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I think 1 text message would not suffice unless it was pretty detailed. I am not a lawyer ... but as far as I understand there needs to be sufficient evidence that it was a loan and that the recipient understood that it was a loan and there was some mechanism set out for paying it back ie not just "whenever the recipient felt like it".
If you have all this into a text you've at least 1 leg to stand on. But so contact a solicitor and see what they think

SparklyBrickViper · 01/04/2025 10:48

Why is she and your husband encouraging that you remortgage?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 01/04/2025 10:46

I think you need to keep her sweet. He goes to the party and you are “ill” don’t force yourself to be fake. He needs to try and get that money back soonest.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 01/04/2025 10:45

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:41

He had a conversation yesterday with her about this. She had said end of March! Now it’s April. Her problems are that she can’t get her tenants out to put her house up for sale, and as soon as it’s sold she will give us that money back.

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Without any agreement could she not say it was a gift?

I think this is a divorcable matter I’m afraid… he doesn’t respect you!

Underthepalmtree · 01/04/2025 10:45

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:41

He had a conversation yesterday with her about this. She had said end of March! Now it’s April. Her problems are that she can’t get her tenants out to put her house up for sale, and as soon as it’s sold she will give us that money back.

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If that's the case then get something in writing from a solicitor for her to sign to say she will do this. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

She's trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband. Are you sure there isn't something else going on with them?

Get legal advice before you do anything else.

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:42

BountifulPantry · 01/04/2025 10:39

Yeah I agree with PP, get something in writing about the fact that it is a loan and get her to agree to a repayment plan in writing.

If you have something in writing from her agreeing that it’s a loan and agreeing that it needs to be repaid then you at least have something to take to a solicitor if/ when things go wrong.

I understand the horse has bolted but never ever lend money to friends or family. There is no need. If someone cannot eat then go do a big shop with them by all means but consider it a gift!

I agree with the top two paragraphs. Third maybe less so, but having things in writing is important - even just to ensure you are actuslly envisaging the same arrangement, let alone being able to enforce it. Sometimes people skirt round money issues out of awkwardness and end up envisaging a different arrangement from each other.

Original poster

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:41

Question285 · 01/04/2025 10:37

Wtf 😬 you took out loans and pay them back with interest so you could loan £40k interest free to a friend’s son?

As you have no agreement in place, keep her close until you get the money back. Can you ask her to pay back in monthly instalments? Maybe say you’re struggling to make the loan repayments.

He had a conversation yesterday with her about this. She had said end of March! Now it’s April. Her problems are that she can’t get her tenants out to put her house up for sale, and as soon as it’s sold she will give us that money back.

OP posts:

BountifulPantry · 01/04/2025 10:41

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:38

Playing nice won’t get the money back per se; if anything it will make the woman think she can string it out longer still. But it might get the signature on paper op needs to have a decent shot at enforcing the repayment.

Edited

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You don’t need a signature. You need something from her in writing agreeing it was a loan and agreeing to repayment. Ideally an email.

kiwiane · 01/04/2025 10:41

Find any messages you’ve sent and received and download and save for a court case. Your husband sounds such a fool; even now he’s keener to save the relationship than seek repayment. I too would consider divorce.

BountifulPantry · 01/04/2025 10:39

Yeah I agree with PP, get something in writing about the fact that it is a loan and get her to agree to a repayment plan in writing.

If you have something in writing from her agreeing that it’s a loan and agreeing that it needs to be repaid then you at least have something to take to a solicitor if/ when things go wrong.

I understand the horse has bolted but never ever lend money to friends or family. There is no need. If someone cannot eat then go do a big shop with them by all means but consider it a gift!

Original poster

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:39

Underthepalmtree · 01/04/2025 10:32

Get some legal advice yourself. Don't wait for your DH to be onboard with it. Just find out where your stand and if you have a case.

Your DH will probably never support you going legal because he will have to face up to the fact he's been a total fuckwit. Male ego does not like to admit its been conned.

You have been conned, question is what to do next.

I don't agree that playing nice will get you the money back, that's just weakness talking. Now is the time to be a hard arse bitch and make it clear you won't be going away. Screw the friendship, because they certainly don't see you as friends.

Start getting legal advice and plan your next move.

Thank you. I said this when he asked me to sign the remortgage agreement and said I will have to find a solicitor of my own to protect my assets from DH and his greedy friends. He did back off. He was taking a lot of financial advice from her.

She had told him to put our house in a trust for our kids etc. I don’t trust her advice.

OP posts:

PruthePrune · 01/04/2025 10:38

Remember the date people...

SnowPinkLetters · 01/04/2025 10:38

That money has gone. See a solicitor now.

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:38

Underthepalmtree · 01/04/2025 10:32

Get some legal advice yourself. Don't wait for your DH to be onboard with it. Just find out where your stand and if you have a case.

Your DH will probably never support you going legal because he will have to face up to the fact he's been a total fuckwit. Male ego does not like to admit its been conned.

You have been conned, question is what to do next.

I don't agree that playing nice will get you the money back, that's just weakness talking. Now is the time to be a hard arse bitch and make it clear you won't be going away. Screw the friendship, because they certainly don't see you as friends.

Start getting legal advice and plan your next move.

Playing nice won’t get the money back per se; if anything it will make the woman think she can string it out longer still. But it might get the signature on paper op needs to have a decent shot at enforcing the repayment.

Question285 · 01/04/2025 10:37

Wtf 😬 you took out loans and pay them back with interest so you could loan £40k interest free to a friend’s son?

As you have no agreement in place, keep her close until you get the money back. Can you ask her to pay back in monthly instalments? Maybe say you’re struggling to make the loan repayments.

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 10:37

Starlight1984 · 01/04/2025 10:34

Sorry but the friendship is most likely over regardless. She's going on expensive holidays and flying business class whilst owing her "friends" £40,000???

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I’m nit focused on salvaging the “ friendship” Im focused on keeping the woman sweet enough she can be lured into putting on paper the concessions op needs.

ThejoyofNC · 01/04/2025 10:36

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:32

Is it too late to ask her for a loan agreement now since it is taking so long for her to give us the money back? DH thinks this shows distrust and pretty much ends the friendship.

I think the friendship is over. She obviously doesn’t know me and DH are arguing about it, so it may not be her fault (?) - if she’s not playing us and conning us.

Fuck the friendship. Ask for your money back now and don't stop asking until you receive it.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/04/2025 10:36

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 09:58

We were doing up our house, a massive renovation project and had sold an investment property. We got out personal loans and put kitchen on finance repayments - (at the beginning of the project) so ended up having a fair bit of money left over because we didn’t continue with some of the extension plans. Some plans like extension for downstairs wetroom, driveway and front porch didn’t happen because of timing and builder problems. We are def not flush! Had been saving up for ever and working overtime for this kitchen extension.

The money wasn’t ‘left over’, btw, we should just pay back the loans and kitchen. I hate having debt. DH thinks it’s ok.

Your DH totally unreasonable and unfair. You are paying back loans and the finance for your kitchen and he gave £40k of your joint money to his wealthy friend for her son's house deposit?

I mean, who even asks a friend to do this? You need to get solicitors involved. She obviously has no intention of paying it back. She (with your DH aiding and abetting) has stolen £40k from you.

Squigglesandgiggles · 01/04/2025 10:36

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:14

I have considered a divorce. DH is always doing this (the savings was burning a hole in his pocket!) but in the past it’s been with family who have always paid it back. No loan agreement. I didn’t event realise he would be this stupid. We have been friends with them for over two decades. They are ‘visibly rich’. Big house, two cars each, gated house. I felt silly to be questioning if they would give it back.

She asked to borrow, she does have a house we know about. We’ve seen it. She did have problems with her tenants who she couldn’t evict and has a court hearing to evict them. Then she can sell the property and give us the money back. This is all true and I believe it. Problem is it’s taken her longer to give us the money back and now we are tied into her selling this house of hers and have to hear about it, keep up with it like it all depends on this. She can afford to give us the money back without selling the house.

I don’t know if I’m being extra anxious and suspicious and DH keeps saying I don’t do risky things etc and has cornered me into feeling like I’m being petty.

40k is a lot of money to lend someone’s child. Is the child his