To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

Are you sure the money went towards an actual house deposit? I say that because when my dad gifted me £100k for mine, the solicitors asked him for proof of where it came from and 6 years of bank statements showing how the balance accrued.

If there were any large cash deposits he had to provide evidence of what these were for, even for small amounts under £5k.

I find it hard to believe that a solicitor would request to see this woman’s bank statement and not question why £40k has been transferred to her, what it was for and why. They have money laundering to consider too so the £40k bank transfer would definitely have raised flags and the solicitor would likely have asked for a letter or proof from your husband stating why he gave her £40k and the word “gift” would also need to be mentioned in that letter as any mention of it being a loan, would mean that they wouldn’t accept it as funds for a deposit.

This is just ridiculous and as others have said, sounds like a crazy April fool. So you’re now paying back loans on this money? £40k that you borrowed but didn’t use? So you’re being charged interest but without the house renovations the money was intended for? Your DH just saw the money as cashflow?! Jesus wept. I can’t believe people are so stupid. Leave him. It’s the only way.

Forty grand is a heck of a lot of money! From your posts, it looks as though you are friends of long standing, despite you saying otherwise.

Your husband should definitely not make big financial decisions that affect both of you, without your agreement. I'm not surprised he is in the spare room.

I would wait a bit longer and see if they get rid of tenants and sell their house.

Definitely don't bring it up at the party, that is not the right place or time. You either go to the party with good grace, putting on a face, or make some excuse and not go.

If you've heard nothing more a month afterwards, go to see them and talk seriously, lay cards on the table.

My wish for you is that you are pleasantly surprised and get your money back soon.

I would write (letter or email, not text) but make it a bit less challenging than you were suggesting. Say you don’t know what arrangements she made with DH but it is worrying you a lot so you would be grateful if she could explain the full situation. Say of course you are not implying that you can’t trust them to repay the money but you have to think of your children and perhaps they were unaware that it was money you had had to borrow, so you are paying interest on it, and you need the full amount back asap, as they had promised. Give a date by which you need it all back. (You could also say you don’t really understand how it was better for you and DH to have a bank loan or whatever than for them to, but that sounds rather more attacking, though justified.)

I doubt whether she would reply that it was a gift, so at least you would have acknowledgement in writing of the debt.

You'd have to be prepared, though, for DH to be very annoyed and for it to be the end of the friendship.

I would tell dh if he isn’t more clear we need it back I will ask her son at her party when she is going to pay it back, LOUDLY.

You need an agreement with a timescale, not "asap", "when we sell x or y", "Easter" or even "the end of April". You want an absolute date and penalties if it's not met. The absolute wtf is that you are paying interest and they are not! Maybe you can calculate for your DH how much it has cost you.

Get legal advice and something in writing, even an email. Make the point that you want to keep this business arrangement separate from your friendship (bin them, and possibly DH, when you have the money back)

Not sure if this has been discussed but the skeptic in me wonders if he actually did give her the money… if you’ve never had a conversation with her how do you know? It seems strange someone we’ll set up financially would borrow your money

could he have used it for something else?

I have considered a divorce.

You're very restrained. I'd be considering a pair of cement shoes and the River Clyde.

You're not rich, yet he gave her this huge sum of money with no safeguards in place. He's also now been sleeping in the spare room for months (small wonder).

Do you think there's even an outside chance they're having an affair?

I'd be really pissed off as well.
Does her DC know it was your money that helped get them on the property ladder?

I'd be writing out a repayment agreement and telling asking her if she'd also like you to add hers DC's name to it.

Best be telling her she can pop in anytime to sign, if she's busy tell her not to worry as you can bring it on the night of the party and you can both see to it then...
Maybe get a guest to witness her signature.

If your DH doesn't want you to do this just do as he is doing to you and ignore his concerns.

This is money that you yourselves had borrowed, and your husband then lent what wasn't used to someone else? Without any terms or security?

I think I'd leave him, and that's something I almost never say on here. I really would.

I would not show him this thread.

You will end up arguing about posting about him on the internet and picking over the details of different posters POV.

Just use it for support and advice where it is helpful to you.

She knows exactly what she is doing. Ask her for the money back by email say you need it now as you thought it was coming in last week. Do not answer the phone to her and get dh to do the same. If she doesn’t respond ask again by email (home and office). If she doesn’t respond again you know she’s stealing from you.

Yeah I have to agree there was not a very strong nexus there for you guys to be in this situation of having advanced funds.

It isn’t uncommon in families where that kind of “ caring and sharing” would be more natural. However, I realise it was DH, op, not you who felt the loan was appropriate. Do you think he felt like the big bucking financier?

I would advise against showing your husband a thread on a forum you and others come to to vent and get honest advice.

You’ve not painted him in the best light and he might not ‘take it on the chin’ and it could just make the whole situation worse.

I’d leave him to deal with her - entering into it yourself and sending messages about agreements etc post loan could make things worse. This loan is on him to handle and chase.

Your real issue is with him. Not her.

Who cares what was happening with her son? That was for her to deal with not you.

You both seem to have got horribly enmeshed with this woman and her various dramas and crises. That is not normal.

Your DH is a fool.

BTW I'm an accountant in my 50s can he lend me £40k on the never never?

I am no legal expert but I know someone who once put a 'charge' on a property someone was selling because the person owed them a large sum of money. I guess something in writing would be needed however to do this! I would get legal advise - like, today.

Any normal, decent person ('friend') would prioritise repaying the debt over a holiday or a party! She is no friend to either of you.

You are not being petty.

And it is financially illiterate to be paying finance / interest on your refurb loans while she has your money interest free. By the way - the current interest in a savings account on £40k for year is about £2k . So your DH has in effect given them £2k. More if the finance for your refurb is at higher interest rate.

I do agree with getting legal advice.

Then - do you know her well enough to go to her and say 'look, DH is a soft hearted. loyal friend, but you might not realise that we can't actually afford to continue lending you this money. I know you are waiting for the sale of the house, but it would save a lot of upset within our household if you could repay by other means now. We've known each other a long time and I want to be honest and say it is affecting the friendship at the moment'

Not to be morbid, but contracts and wills are for when the unthinkable strikes - if she and her DH meet with something fatal your £40k will not be recoverable.

I wonder how often, as a financial advisor, she tells clients to splash huge sums of money around without any form of protection?

The whole thing just beggars belief!

If she's a qualified financial adviser then she needs to be squeaky clean. You can argue she has scammed you out of £40k and report her to the police. A financial crime will mean she can't practise as a financial adviser.

1. Talk to a solicitor and show them the text message.
2. Talk to her and advise her that you are getting a formal loan agreement with repayment terms drawn up.
3. If she objects you say you will go to the police.

I’d speak to her and be firm you want it back pronto- maybe hint at what it could do to her if this got out for her reputation that she can’t manage her own affairs to honour her credit agreements….. it’s a huge amount to loan without anything in writing. And now you’re paying interest- bonkers! I think your dh has been a 1st class fool (and possibly knows it but is to ashamed to admit).

https://www.silverlaw.com/blog/did-your-financial-advisor-borrow-your-money/

this may be worth a read

I may be wrong but borrowing money is highly frowned upon by the regulator FCA. Especially in these circumstances.