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Original poster

To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

737 replies

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 09:44

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

OP posts:
CandidGreenSquid · 01/04/2025 13:00

This sounds awfully messy. I don’t want to make you any more anxious than you already are, but I used to work for a FA firm that had basically had one of the FAs and one of the admin scamming people out of money in the personal time. Without going into too much detail, it was family, friends and friends of friends that they were scamming. They were doing deals of an evening in the bar/restaurant after work and people trusted them for the exact reason your DH trusts this woman. Some people will risk their career and integrity if they think they can get away with it. I won’t divulge exactly how it all ended for the people I know who were doing it, but it was a really shit ending for all concerned. I only say this because I think your DH has been incredibly naive and stupid really. Really hope you get this sorted out. Good luck x

pinkyredrose · 01/04/2025 12:56

She doesn't need the tenants out of the house to put it on the market! She can list it for sale anyway.

Thelnebriati · 01/04/2025 12:54

Looking at it another way; wouldn't a financial advisor find it difficult to explain in court why someone gifted her £40 grand without any paper trail?

Lolapusht · 01/04/2025 12:53

You must have some text messages/WhatsApps that refer to this loan. Even you talking to you husband saying something along the lines of “Did you speak to Mrs CF about that £40k?”. Something. Get all the evidence together that you can then sit down and write your version of events detailing when the money was paid, any discussions prior to that happening, how many times you’ve asked for it to be repaid etc.

Fine that she has to wait until she sells her BTL before she has the whole £40k, but I can guarantee that they’d have £5k to pay you back a bit before that. No reason why she can’t pay you back what they can in installments.

She won’t sign an agreement now, as then you’ll have something in writing. She’s a dodger so she’s not going to do anything that commits her to replying not on her term. Get all your evidence together then send an email laying out how you lent her £40k and it’s now time to pay it back and you’ll accept partial payment with, eg, full payment to be made within 6 months. If she’s calls you to discuss the email, you reply to her in the email reiterating what she said to you so you’ve got a written record of her words (“…as per our conversation earlier today…”). If she doesn’t reply to an email I’d assume she doesn’t want anything in writing to implicate herself.

Is the son actually divorced? If he’s not, his wife may end up with £20k of your money. If he’s used your cash for his deposit they’ve probably also committed mortgage fraud as he’ll have had to sign something saying the deposit money was a gift and not a loan.

Bunnycat101 · 01/04/2025 12:46

This is genuinely one of the most bonkers things I’ve ever seen on here. How do you just lend £40k to someone with no loan agreement? How did she even know to ask and why on earth didn’t someone say no. The whole thing is outrageous. You’re sat on debt from your renovation and presumably gaining no interest on your £40k.

This choice has probably cost you £2k in lost interest/growth plus the debt interest you’re paying. And that’s if you even get it back.

Cherrysoup · 01/04/2025 12:45

My tenants were also heading to court but then thank god left on the date specified. They did not allow the agent to take photos/do viewings/put the house on the market (sadly within their rights, some pp will remember this is idiot aggressive alcoholic/dv bloke who has SS involvement). When he left, the house immediately went on the market (May) but didn't sell/complete until the October. It will be months before she is able to sell/give back the money. I'd see her now and ask for it back, preferably in some written form. I very much doubt, if she has told you it's dependent on the sale, that you will see the money until autumn.

FortyElephants · 01/04/2025 12:45

Pretend to be her friend until she sells the house and you get the money back. Them dump her and your husband and sail off into the sunset with your half of the money. What a tool he is. Who lends money they have borrowed to someone else?!

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 01/04/2025 12:42

I think you’ll find that you’re not the only friends that have lent them money. £40k is a huge amount. I wouldn’t even lend that to my family. The friend is hoping you will ‘forget’ about it and slowly fade away. Your dh is an idiot thinking he’ll get it back.
Just go to the party, then you can dig with their other friend how much exactly they’ve extracted from you all.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/04/2025 12:42

Just as a follow up, are you totally sure your H made it clear this was a loan not a gift? Occurred to me given his already batshit behaviour, he may have actually just given her the money and is only saying ‘loan’ to you, not her. Might explain why he’s not pushing for it back.. if that’s the case, and you divorce him (as you fuckin should if he’s done this), make sure the money comes back to you from his finances!

Projectme · 01/04/2025 12:41

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 11:09

Yes. That’s why DH trusts her. She has her own business. She wouldn’t do this? It would ruin her if people found out she is taking money from people like this?

Show quote history

If you're in the UK, check the FCA register to ensure she is an authorised person. If you approach her and say she has 7 days to return the monies and if she doesn't you'll be reporting a complaint to the FCA, it might get your money back but it will likely also burn the friendship bridge!

LillylollyAndy · 01/04/2025 12:40

Go and ruin the party

CantStopMoving · 01/04/2025 12:40

WhatICallMyUsername · 01/04/2025 12:38

I started reading this thread at 12.10 and after the first few posts I thought surely I’ll get to the end and OP will be haha April Fool!!

it makes you wonder how much of her lavish lifestyle has been funded by her conning other friends out of their money in her status as a financial adviser! Does she have some sort of hold over him to blackmail him with OP?!

I bet this happens more than we think

Shade17 · 01/04/2025 12:38

Are you sure she’s not blackmailing your DH? Could they have had an affair?

WhatICallMyUsername · 01/04/2025 12:38

I started reading this thread at 12.10 and after the first few posts I thought surely I’ll get to the end and OP will be haha April Fool!!

it makes you wonder how much of her lavish lifestyle has been funded by her conning other friends out of their money in her status as a financial adviser! Does she have some sort of hold over him to blackmail him with OP?!

CantStopMoving · 01/04/2025 12:34

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/04/2025 12:30

You're dreaming if you think your getting this money back if you've no evidence other than a bank transaction.

Why? There are texts acknowledging the loan I believe and people generally don’t go around gifting money to friends (unless you are in the labour government !). I don’t think evidence of the loan is in question. Getting it back though is another matter.

judge Judy would sort this out ….

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 12:33

Just for clarification op, has DH actually confirmed to you it was loan not gift?

Richiewoo · 01/04/2025 12:32

40k to someone who your not close too. You didn't agree to it. I'd be divorcing your husband.

Fruitytutti223 · 01/04/2025 12:32

Risky things have rewards. This was downright stupidity. I’m sorry op. Your DP is an idiot.

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 12:32

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/04/2025 12:30

You're dreaming if you think your getting this money back if you've no evidence other than a bank transaction.

Thats why we are trying to help op at working on getting the evidence.

She does have texts but I’m not sure of the exact content.

She needs the woman to admit she took the funds by way of loan.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/04/2025 12:30

You're dreaming if you think your getting this money back if you've no evidence other than a bank transaction.

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 12:30

CantStopMoving · 01/04/2025 12:26

I haven’t read through all the replies but you do have evidence of the loans on text so you do have proof of it.

i would send an email stating that

’ we loaned you £40k on x date.

We envisaged this was a short term loan that would have been paid back by now. We understand you might not have the immediate liquidity to pay back the full amount immediately so propose you have it off in these instalments on these dates (then list out repayment schedule)

a reply back (assuming they don’t go what loan?!) will be acknowledgement of the loan. Be interesting to see what they say.

I presume you can take a lien out on their property so that you are paid when it is sold. You would need a solicitor though.

lesson learned. I lent a friend money but we drew up an agreement between us with repayment terms which they signed. They also paid me back as per the agreement as they aren’t a @%\€~!}{

… or even ask HER to set out repayment schedule in the first instance op. You can always reply and say it isn’t fast enough but the key thing is to get her concession that repayments are in contemplation. I would do whatever makes it easiest for her to agree to that concept. Putting a repayment schedule she can’t meet might scare her off.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/04/2025 12:29

Is this for real? Your H is off the charts bonkers, sorry. I think it’s time to protect your interests - one of you has to - and get a lawyer involved. Isn’t the friendship over anyway? I wouldn’t be speaking to them again, let alone going to their party ffs.

CantStopMoving · 01/04/2025 12:26

I haven’t read through all the replies but you do have evidence of the loans on text so you do have proof of it.

i would send an email stating that

’ we loaned you £40k on x date.

We envisaged this was a short term loan that would have been paid back by now. We understand you might not have the immediate liquidity to pay back the full amount immediately so propose you have it off in these instalments on these dates (then list out repayment schedule)

a reply back (assuming they don’t go what loan?!) will be acknowledgement of the loan. Be interesting to see what they say.

I presume you can take a lien out on their property so that you are paid when it is sold. You would need a solicitor though.

lesson learned. I lent a friend money but we drew up an agreement between us with repayment terms which they signed. They also paid me back as per the agreement as they aren’t a @%\€~!}{

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/04/2025 12:23

Bloody hell OP, you're never going to get that money back. Your husband is an idiot and you would be perfectly within your rights to divorce him over this. I don't think I could get over the massive breach of trust caused by him basically giving away £40k of family money without your agreement and not even getting anything in writing.

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 12:22

Fruhstuck · 01/04/2025 12:14

I would write (letter or email, not text) but make it a bit less challenging than you were suggesting. Say you don’t know what arrangements she made with DH but it is worrying you a lot so you would be grateful if she could explain the full situation. Say of course you are not implying that you can’t trust them to repay the money but you have to think of your children and perhaps they were unaware that it was money you had had to borrow, so you are paying interest on it, and you need the full amount back asap, as they had promised. Give a date by which you need it all back. (You could also say you don’t really understand how it was better for you and DH to have a bank loan or whatever than for them to, but that sounds rather more attacking, though justified.)

I doubt whether she would reply that it was a gift, so at least you would have acknowledgement in writing of the debt.

You'd have to be prepared, though, for DH to be very annoyed and for it to be the end of the friendship.

Edited
Show quote history

I think this is a good approach op.

I also agree email is the right balance. It leaves you something on record that will be easier to set out clearly with proper paragraphs, recipient and sender addresses etc, but will raise alarm bells less than a letter ( and is actually less destroyable!)

I think stepping over DH and saying you are getting worried may be what’s needed - though personally I wouldn’t state that you do not know what arrangements were made; that’s an invitation for her to put her word against your DH, and your DH alone.