To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

Of course you've got a problem with her. And your fool of a husband too. She should never have asked your husband for money and he should never have given it to her.

Have you actually asked your husband why he thinks it was in any way acceptable to give away money that belongs equally to you without your consent?

So nasty, so unnecessary - how does it help?

Whether your DH is an idiot or not he did a very kind thing that clearly he has done for people before with no detriment, albeit not very wisely.

These people are clearly not your friends but I would do the following,

attend the party all smiles
ask her when she plans to pay the money back as your mortgage term is ending in xyz months and you need it for the renewal (or similar excuse), insist on a firm date and actually say 'i need a date as I don't want to be pestering you'.
if she gives a long date then say you'll need to borrow off family to plug the gap and can she confirm to them so that they feel secure about it

I would be surprised if you didn't get paid back, some people have absolutely no shame about owing people and still spending big

My DH once got asked for a smallish loan by a friend, when DH asked him if he ever thought about saving money he replied, 'yeah i've got it but I don't want to dip into my savings account'. Unbelievable.

I assume that the declaration that the money was a gift not a loan would come from the son's parents, not from OP and her DH.

The rest of it about her husband being an absolute idiot is correct. OP should be seriously questioning her marriage as they are paying back a loan with interest, while the Cheeky Fucker Friend swans off on luxury holidays.

You realise that by the time they got to you they will have exhausted the options that people run through before asking their not very close friends. They will owe money to the bank, on all their assets, credit card companies, their family, close friends and now you. The fact that they were even willing to ask you shows that they are completely incapable of managing their finances.

Send a text message saying 'hi there, just wondering what the timeline is for repaying the money we lent you? We have some expenses coming up and trying to plan ahead '. Her response will be acknowledgement that the money is a loan, not a gift. Then go from there with getting formal agreement from solicitor. Keep it light and positive even if you're frustrated. 'I think it's better to put this into a formal agreement so we are all clear. Will send it through this afternoon if you wouldn't mind signing' etc etc.

Can you ask her to pay it back in instalments? Or say you’ve got a cash flow issue yourself & ask for the first £5,000 back asap.

Then do a receipt for whatever she gives you stating £5,000 received & £35,000 owing. Both parties sign it & keep a copy each - and you’re doing the receipt for her benefit so no one loses track….

When she suggested remortgaging to pay off your loans, I assumed you replied with, “You can remortgage and pay us back.” What did she say to that?

I lent money to adult dc and his dp and even for them I wrote up a record of what was loaned and repayment timetable.
Dh, me and dc and the dp all signed it.
I have a stock reply for anyone complaining at having to sign to borrow money which is that they would not expect a bank to handover money without a written agreement so why should I.

Your friend probably will repay the money but she has saved herself an apr of about 5% on 40k.
Your dh is a fool.

You are insane to lend someone 40k with no formal agreement. Anything could have happened with regards to their work and health which meant they would never be able to pay it back. Without an agreement or deadline is just madness.
I would work out which deadline you are happy with that they have to pay it back by, then tell thrm and then stick to it. Asking you to remortgage your house is the most CF thing I have ever heard.

So, you took out massive loans for home improvements but then had £40k leftover and instead of paying back the loans, you handed that over to the child of a friend… a friend who is supposedly wealthy. And that friend had already started the money talk by apologising that they couldn’t help with your renovation costs even though you never asked them to. So, they were planting the seed of lending money to friends and also carefully finding out if you had much money to spare because I’m sure you answered, “oh, we have £x amount so don’t need any money from you, that’s ok.” They were just feeling around to see how much money you had and then bam, they ask to borrow it with nothing in writing and your husband just transfers it over?

As this was for a down payment on a house, there will be paperwork saying this money was a gift and not a loan, otherwise the son wouldn’t have got a mortgage. So you’re in trouble. And your husband is an absolute idiot. Trying to play billy big balls and flash the cash; cash which you don’t have. That money is the bank’s money. You have a loan, with interest to pay off and he gave the money away? Divorce him. Protect your assets by divorcing him. Get that debt out aside as his from his share of joint assets.

My two cents worth op..

what’s she got on your DH? Affair etc
just a thought

Not only does your husband doff his cap to these wealthy people he empties his bank account and gives them all his money🤣🤣
I think you should unhitch your wagon from his PDQ before he goes bankrupt and takes you down with him.
A fool and his money are soon parted!

This is very dodgy for a financial adviser to do this and the reputation damage if this goes wrong for her could see her lose her business!

id be amazed if she didn’t repay you, as the alternative could be losing her business and ability to work being struck off.

i think you should calm down. Assume you’ll get it back. I’d call her arrange to meet and explain that you really need the money back and when would she be able to provide it? You’re feeling uncomfortable with the uncertainty, you can’t wait till property sells does she not have other money available? Be strong but calm. Leave your DH out of it if he’ll be too soft

This, cheeky two faced fuckers!!

Transferring £40k as a bank transfer to a friend doesn't require any of those checks.

The money was clearly never ever going to be used for the alleged purpose. OPs husband has been conned.

Just a thought but he didn't think he was investing the money in some sort of scheme (pyramid?) did he?

Just weird how he didn't do any paperwork to back up a loan, unless he thought it was a 'guaranteed' money maker.

Whatever, he has been foolish in the extreme and has more than likely lost you £40k.

I just watched ConMum on Netflix
That should give you an idea about what sort of person you are dealing with.
I was also related to one of these people and have met a couple - one managed to con a lot of people in our community but luckily as I had seen it all before I kept my distance
They don't operate like normal people and rely on everyone thinking that you play by certain "rules" but they don't and it confuses people so they don't knwo what to think
Other people may have been stung as well but won't admit it out of embarrassment or because they don't want to handle the truth yet

Did he agree that he's an idiot?

Sick of being reminded of what a fool he has been, he means?

WTAF?
Can I check I have got this right?
You have debts and you handed over £40k to people who aren't close friends anyway.
Please tell me you have cast iron evidence that they agreed it was a loan

Yeah, those amazing financial wizards who couldn't raise £40k.

I know it is a lot to you but to someone who should be near the end of their mortgage it should have been easily obtainable from her own resources.

She has borrowed from you/your husband because you can be easily dropped from her social circle for being difficult about a 'silly little matter'.

The friendship is already broken, your DH doesn't realise it yet.

She will not repay. I’ve seen this recently with a friend and someone they knew. The recipient of the loan for £30k is now ghosting friend and has no shame about posting their glam holidays and birthday celebrations on social media. Some people are just immoral and scammers. I fear she is one.

This is the maddest thing I have ever read. Who lends someone's adult child £40k with no documentation, especially when that £40k is not savings but unsecured credit!!

On the slight off chance this is real, there is no way they could have used the money to buy a property it would not pass even the most cursory AML test.