Page 20 | To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

SpaceMoo · 2025-04-01T08:44:44+00:00

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc. Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused. It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/04/2025 16:05

StartAnew · 01/04/2025 16:03

Was it joint money or just DH's? I'm not following this at all. Do you mean he took money from a joint account and gave it away?

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They're married, it's all joint money.

HygerTyger · 01/04/2025 16:04

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 15:29

Thank you to everyone. Even the ones calling me a fool! I’ve taken screenshots of some of the best advice and things I can do, and say to DH to jolt him out of this. I wish he would see it. That’s been one of my biggest frustrations.

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Why don't you go and speak to her directly and tell her how much stress this is causing you? Ask her for a definite payback date and an acknowledgement in writing for your own peace of mind. As a financial advisor she can hardly say no as she knows this is the right way to do things. Do this before the party.... I wouldn't be able to sleep until I'd sorted this out.

Did her son's mortgage lenders not ask for evidence of where this 40k came from? Evidence he'd had it for a while?That it wasn't loan etc. That's very odd and highly unusual. Something is really not adding up here. Are you sure it was a loan for her son's house?

StartAnew · 01/04/2025 16:03

Naunet · 01/04/2025 15:37

Did you miss this line:

I am so furious at DH and never agreed to lending them money in the first place

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Was it joint money or just DH's? I'm not following this at all. Do you mean he took money from a joint account and gave it away?

Kindling1970 · 01/04/2025 16:02

So why couldn’t their son just rent a place?

Kindling1970 · 01/04/2025 16:01

My father in law did this years ago. His friend borrowed 250k and never spoke to him again. He was so obsessed with looking rich as he is one of those men who thinks having money makes you a good person. He has never learnt or changed and has gone bankrupt because he ca t stop spending and showing others he is rich. Your husband has a serious lack of respect for money and you need to leave him before the same happens to him

StartAnew · 01/04/2025 16:01

It's hard to believe this really happened. You handed over 40K so that somebody else's son could buy a house? Why couldn't he just wait until his parents had the money available? Crazy.

Headingtowardsdivorce · 01/04/2025 15:54

CheesePlantBoxes · 01/04/2025 13:07

My advice is that you would be crazy to push the angle of wanting a legal document at this point.

Kindly OP, you are so angry (and rightly so) that you are wanting tomapproach this like a bull in china shop and rhst approach will not end well for you.

If you corner her at then party, she will cry, she will be the victim and you will make things 10 times worse.

I would be friendly, actually friendly. Start up a text chat askingnof you cam bring anything to the party, go to the party, put on a happy face and text her after thanking her for the party and laugh about how fun it was. Casually message for a few weeks. Then lead into a conversation about how the house sale is going, how you were hoping you'd have the £40k you lent back in X back by now but understand the delay and say something about it how long it's been and how you had expected it back by Y and you'd really now like it by Z. But..this is key... you need to be friendly and like its a chat. She must acknowledge that there is a debt, how much for, and when you expected it back. Without that she will say its a gift and you're fucked.

Get the money back by legal means after that once you have proof of the loan amd have sought legal advice.

Then divorce your husband.

I'd do this.

Naunet · 01/04/2025 15:53

Sidebeforeself · 01/04/2025 15:47

This is more about the singular act of the bank transfer though.OP has helped create the current situation by ongoing lack of intervention/challenge. If she said no and he just went ahead what action was immediately taken? Doesn’t sound like much was done if OP is still considering whether to attend a party, whether to send a message etc.

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Maybe ask that then rather than going straight to insults.

BoldAmberDuck · 01/04/2025 15:53

Lilactimes · 01/04/2025 15:51

The party itself will be a couple
of grand. I would ask her outright if she could repay a portion using her party fund and cancel the party.

I would go round and ask her in person (nicely but firmly) how she feels she can afford to host a party when she owes you so much and that you’re really struggling to repay the loan each month. Say your husband is being nice but the strain of the debt is really affecting you both as it wasn’t spare cash. Say it’s affecting your marriage. If she only even repays £500 it’s an acknowledgment there’s money owing.
I would also take round a hard copy of a standard off the shelf loan agreement with the sum owed on it and a suggested repayment plan and look at her in the eye and ask her to sign it.

I would keep calm and be nice. Don’t get angry, but instead appear hurt and baffled as to how your friend is treating you like this.

i wouldn’t share what I was going to do with my husband - I would just do it. But that’s prob cos I’m a completely independent woman so make my own decisions.

good luck @SpaceMoo xx

This is a great solution too

AgingWellThankYou · 01/04/2025 15:52

You have a husband problem, not a friend problem. The level of chaos he is creating and the disrespect for you if done without your consent is troubling.

Main priority would be to focus on the marriage, through counseling if possible. I would have a hard time staying without a fundamental change in his behavior.

BlondeMummyto1 · 01/04/2025 15:52

Does being friends with them get him a leg up at work or something? He seems scared to rock the boat incase they drop him?

I’m sure between the wife, the doctor husband and the professional son they could have clubbed together and at least started to make payments back to you.

Lilactimes · 01/04/2025 15:51

The party itself will be a couple
of grand. I would ask her outright if she could repay a portion using her party fund and cancel the party.

I would go round and ask her in person (nicely but firmly) how she feels she can afford to host a party when she owes you so much and that you’re really struggling to repay the loan each month. Say your husband is being nice but the strain of the debt is really affecting you both as it wasn’t spare cash. Say it’s affecting your marriage. If she only even repays £500 it’s an acknowledgment there’s money owing.
I would also take round a hard copy of a standard off the shelf loan agreement with the sum owed on it and a suggested repayment plan and look at her in the eye and ask her to sign it.

I would keep calm and be nice. Don’t get angry, but instead appear hurt and baffled as to how your friend is treating you like this.

i wouldn’t share what I was going to do with my husband - I would just do it. But that’s prob cos I’m a completely independent woman so make my own decisions.

good luck @SpaceMoo xx

BoldAmberDuck · 01/04/2025 15:51

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:50

Do you think she will break up with us to keep this money? We know all her family and know her neighbours and colleagues and some of her clients. We could be very horrible if we had to. DH thinks she’s a very honest person but she is not getting it that we WANT IT BACK ASAP!

I feel like I should text her and tell her I don’t know what arrangements she has made with DH but it was without my consent and I’d like a written legal document stipulating the loan amount and when it will be returned in its entirety.

I think this is a good idea. Problem is that if you go for a divorce you will probably never see your share of the money. I would write her an email (so it can be tracked) saying exactly what you’ve just said, making sure you state the amount they owe etc, and keep everything for future use. Then if and when u divorce you have the proof. Definitely no present for the birthday though! For the time being pretend all is ok, then ask for the money. Ridiculous. Fake awful people . Good luck. Once you’re split find yourself some real nice down to earth people to be friends with x

Sidebeforeself · 01/04/2025 15:47

Naunet · 01/04/2025 15:37

Did you miss this line:

I am so furious at DH and never agreed to lending them money in the first place

Show quote history

This is more about the singular act of the bank transfer though.OP has helped create the current situation by ongoing lack of intervention/challenge. If she said no and he just went ahead what action was immediately taken? Doesn’t sound like much was done if OP is still considering whether to attend a party, whether to send a message etc.

CantStopMoving · 01/04/2025 15:39

Out of interest why isn’t the son paying you back? What is stopping him?

Naunet · 01/04/2025 15:37

Sidebeforeself · 01/04/2025 10:31

Fgs . Grow up Op. Have grown up conversations with your husband and this woman. Stop blaming him.. you are just as culpable

Did you miss this line:

I am so furious at DH and never agreed to lending them money in the first place

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/04/2025 15:35

OP if you end up divorcing, the £40k should be deducted from his share of the marital assets and he should also take on the debts that would be paid off by now if it weren't for his stupidity.

MzHz · 01/04/2025 15:34

Thelnebriati · 01/04/2025 10:31

I think you should see a solicitor, on your own, and see what they have to say about the whole situation and lay out your options. They will be able to see things without any of the emotional involvement of marriage and friendship.

This is a good suggestion. you need to know what avenues you have.

have you requested the money by text/email? have you suggested to her that you are wanting the loan repaid? if you can engage her in something in writing you can then take her to court.

You have both been ridiculously naive in this, and there is probably a less than thin chance you will ever see that money again.

Trying to protect this friendship is daft, the friendship is over. you need to face up to this now. Once you realise this, you know you will be able to make the next move if indeed there is a next move.

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 15:33

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 15:29

Thank you to everyone. Even the ones calling me a fool! I’ve taken screenshots of some of the best advice and things I can do, and say to DH to jolt him out of this. I wish he would see it. That’s been one of my biggest frustrations.

Show quote history

Good luck op. I hope you get it back. Sadly I think there’s a strong chance you won’t but just take it carefully and logically and you will optimise your chances. Don’t be tempted to use any nuclear options as they will more likely flip her into saying “ you can’t make me.”

gamerchick · 01/04/2025 15:32

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:50

Do you think she will break up with us to keep this money? We know all her family and know her neighbours and colleagues and some of her clients. We could be very horrible if we had to. DH thinks she’s a very honest person but she is not getting it that we WANT IT BACK ASAP!

I feel like I should text her and tell her I don’t know what arrangements she has made with DH but it was without my consent and I’d like a written legal document stipulating the loan amount and when it will be returned in its entirety.

Do it. Fuck the friendship.

Your marriage is about to end over this. Get the big guns out.

Original poster

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 15:29

Underthepalmtree · 01/04/2025 15:19

He's been groomed and played. Deep down he knows it but is lashing out at you because he can't admit it.

Con mum is definitely right. He threw his partner under the bus as well when she tried to point it out to him.

Time to go around him. You can't trust him anymore.

@SpaceMoo you've had loads of advice, what are you going to do?

Thank you to everyone. Even the ones calling me a fool! I’ve taken screenshots of some of the best advice and things I can do, and say to DH to jolt him out of this. I wish he would see it. That’s been one of my biggest frustrations.

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 01/04/2025 15:24

If she does start to pay you back, keep careful note, this could be an email or similar to her:

Thanks for the £150 Deirdre, only £39,850 to go

She sounds like the sort of person who will think nothing of short changing you. Your DH is a limp, wet, lettuce leaf. Don't be the same.

Also, don't be surprised if she tries to convert the loan into an 'investment'. Warn your DH that she may attempt this. All he needs to do is reply:

No thank you, I need the cash back now

He may need to say this several times.

At the moment she is trying to keep you sweet. Don't expect that to continue if she realises you mean business.

FeatherDawn · 01/04/2025 15:22

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 09:58

We were doing up our house, a massive renovation project and had sold an investment property. We got out personal loans and put kitchen on finance repayments - (at the beginning of the project) so ended up having a fair bit of money left over because we didn’t continue with some of the extension plans. Some plans like extension for downstairs wetroom, driveway and front porch didn’t happen because of timing and builder problems. We are def not flush! Had been saving up for ever and working overtime for this kitchen extension.

The money wasn’t ‘left over’, btw, we should just pay back the loans and kitchen. I hate having debt. DH thinks it’s ok.

😱
This is insane !!!!
Praying its an April Fools

HeChokedOnAChorizo · 01/04/2025 15:20

So your DH was playing billy big bollocks with money that wasnt even "spare" money (as in savings) but money from a loan, which has to be repaid.

And now he gets pissy with you for being angry (rightfully) and is so blind he cant see he has been played by them.

Divorce him OP, i guarantee it will happen again should he get anymore spare money. If they do pay him back what are his plans for the money? Go round the town handing out notes to anyone who crosses his path like King bountiful?

Springhassprungthesunisout · 01/04/2025 15:20

Do you have signed documentation about the loan with an agreed timeline for repayment? Is it based around the sale or a date? If not, then you're in a difficult position and she knows this as a financial advisor. She may have made a promise to repay to other "friends" as well - so be prepared to be in a queue! Check the online paperwork for small claims court on the .gov website. TBH she seems to have a hold over your DH which is also deeply unfair, or he's naive. Speak to a solicitor about your options.

I loaned CF BIL a similar sum and waited nearly 2 years for his house sale before he could repay me - and all the other family and friends he owed money to. DH and I are NC with him due to the stress of dealing with him and his Walter Mitty attitude to life. He lives a champagne lifestyle on fanta money!