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Original poster

To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

737 replies

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 09:44

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 01/04/2025 20:09

@Hoppinggreen yes, that's my thought. Has she done this before?

@SpaceMoo you have known this woman a while. Thinking back, are there other friends who seem to have dropped out?

They may have got some or even all of their money back but will have been socially dropped by this woman once she has used them.

Tbrh · 01/04/2025 20:08

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:41

He had a conversation yesterday with her about this. She had said end of March! Now it’s April. Her problems are that she can’t get her tenants out to put her house up for sale, and as soon as it’s sold she will give us that money back.

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Given there's no formal agreement, I think you'll need to be nice and play the long game. Your DH needs to tell them it's puttinga strain on your marriage, and that you're in debt and you can't afford to go to the party.

Hoppinggreen · 01/04/2025 19:56

This woman is under no obligation to sign or agree to anything. She has OP's money so why would she?
She has groomed Op's H and dazzled him with her supposed wealth, that has probably come from doing this to other people.

LadyATarantula · 01/04/2025 19:42

If she's an IFA, tell her you want to put a 'charge' on the property for £40k - it's your loan security until you get your money back when the property is sold. You just need a solicitor to have something legal drawn up. And then if she fails to pay you back, it will affect her credit rating and ability to trade as an FCA Regulated advisor.

Emmz1510 · 01/04/2025 19:18

Utterly bonkers thing to do. I’d be heading for the divorce courts if my husband lent out this sort of money without my knowledge and agreement.
I could not go to a lavish party thrown by someone who owed me that much money.
Definitely start legal proceedings.

CatsWhiskerz · 01/04/2025 19:17

This sounds very stressful! Good luck a d I really hope you get your money back ... are they giving you any interest per chance?!

Imbusytodaysorry · 01/04/2025 19:12

@SpaceMoo wow! Remortgage is she mad !
a party ! ?

I wouldn’t be going and I’d book my solicitor app for the and day! Do you have it in writing it was a loan ?
You also a major husband problem !

femfemlicious · 01/04/2025 19:10

Thebloodynine · 01/04/2025 13:38

So, you took out massive loans for home improvements but then had £40k leftover and instead of paying back the loans, you handed that over to the child of a friend… a friend who is supposedly wealthy. And that friend had already started the money talk by apologising that they couldn’t help with your renovation costs even though you never asked them to. So, they were planting the seed of lending money to friends and also carefully finding out if you had much money to spare because I’m sure you answered, “oh, we have £x amount so don’t need any money from you, that’s ok.” They were just feeling around to see how much money you had and then bam, they ask to borrow it with nothing in writing and your husband just transfers it over?

As this was for a down payment on a house, there will be paperwork saying this money was a gift and not a loan, otherwise the son wouldn’t have got a mortgage. So you’re in trouble. And your husband is an absolute idiot. Trying to play billy big balls and flash the cash; cash which you don’t have. That money is the bank’s money. You have a loan, with interest to pay off and he gave the money away? Divorce him. Protect your assets by divorcing him. Get that debt out aside as his from his share of joint assets.

Oh no😱. @SpaceMoo did you or your husband sign such a document?. Did you pay the money into her account or her sons account?

TomatoesForKing · 01/04/2025 18:45

Moveoverdarlin · 01/04/2025 18:43

Thing is, this lady hasn’t stolen anything. She asked a friend for 40k and staggeringly he said yes and transferred the money.

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yes, I did catch that, this was the closest comparison I had. However there's an argument that they agreed to "borrow" and have failed to repay, and then it does become a prosecutable case.

bevelino · 01/04/2025 18:45

This

There must be way more to this.

Moveoverdarlin · 01/04/2025 18:43

TomatoesForKing · 01/04/2025 18:39

Get a solicitor involved, to write a letter and proposing a payment plan, interest free, over the next 12 months.

I had a landlady whose next door neighbor actually STOLE some of her antiquarian books worth about 40k, she took her to court and because the thief had a really good lawyer, she didn't go to prison (she could have done). But she did have to agree to and keep up with a payment plan. It lasted for years, but the money was repaid.

Thing is, this lady hasn’t stolen anything. She asked a friend for 40k and staggeringly he said yes and transferred the money.

LivingwithHopenowandforever · 01/04/2025 18:43

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 11:10

Is there an entry on your DH’s bank statement such as “ loan to x”?

Or did he put a recipient description such as “ loan from OP and DH.”?

You just need something to demonstrate the characterisation of it.

If she has given an update about her plans for repayment, I’d latch onto that and say “ ok, fine, we understand about the tenants but can we just put the plan in writing so we have something to work from. Otherwise I’m afraid we are going to need you to repay it now.” Of course she won’t just repay but she might just stave you off by agreeing to the repayment schedule - esp if you have a provision such as delays can be agreed. Not ideal, but what you are really needing is HER CONCESSION that repayment is envisaged. If you can bluff her into that with friendly terms, you will be in a stronger position.

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OP, THIS ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ what @Calliopespa has written is exactly what you need to do!!

& as for your husband…..I personally would have ripped him a new one and then checked to see if there is anything else he has done that you are not aware of.

He really seems to value what this friend says so you really need to tread carefully and don’t say anything negative about her to him. You need to lull him into a false sense of security concerning her so that when you do raise the topic again it’s coming from needing assurances that the money will be repaid so if he can speak to her etc etc to stop you worrying so much.

Honestly speaking I don’t think you can trust your Husband. Only you know but if he has been sleeping in the spare room since Jan sounds like it’s not bothering him too much 🤔 that you both are apart.

Moveoverdarlin · 01/04/2025 18:42

Do you think he fancies her?? Just seems like a bonkers thing to do. 40 grand!

I would have to be on the bird of my ass before I went cap in hand to friends for money. And then the fucking audacity to throw a big flash party!! It’s mortifying!

It’s a bit fur coat and no knickers mentality.

TomatoesForKing · 01/04/2025 18:39

Get a solicitor involved, to write a letter and proposing a payment plan, interest free, over the next 12 months.

I had a landlady whose next door neighbor actually STOLE some of her antiquarian books worth about 40k, she took her to court and because the thief had a really good lawyer, she didn't go to prison (she could have done). But she did have to agree to and keep up with a payment plan. It lasted for years, but the money was repaid.

LucyCY · 01/04/2025 18:35

Wow! If it were me I'd take control and, as you suggested, cut all ties and seek legal advice. Can you produce a bank statement to show proof of the withdrawal/transfer of money??

Mix56 · 01/04/2025 18:33

I'd try & get her to acknowledge her debt in a text or email, in a friendly type of way. before going down the legal route, or shaming her in public.. like at the party: "Oh Holy Cow Beryl, how much did this spread cost ? Didn't you think to pay us back our loan first ? it would have been 10%" Loudly

NilByMuff · 01/04/2025 18:30

I would (in your shoes) use your arguments for good use.
DH sends her msg ' I didn't mention it at the time but when I lent you that 40k I hadn't told spacemoo. Now she knows she's really pissed off.
To keep things easy for me can you make a payment ASAP/time/date/amount? '

Once she responds acknowledging the loan/she owes you money, you have proof, it might help.
If she bites and agrees then happy days, set up an arrangement, drawn up with a solicitor, making sure there is an END date you are happy with.

Snapncrackle · 01/04/2025 18:25

SpoonyCat · 01/04/2025 18:16

It would probably show as coming from his parent's bank account as a cash gift. That would sound reasonable enough

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Not necessarily
the solicitor can ask proof of where it’s from even when it’s a gift
Otherwise anyone could launder cash this way

Snapncrackle · 01/04/2025 18:23

There is no way if she is a “financial advisor “ that she isn’t aware of anti money landing rules and KYC. - know your client rules

she would have to have declared it as a gift and signed that she had no interest in the property and the solicitors for the son would want to know where the 40k has come from

some want 3 months statements with proof of the savings and how you obtained it
some want 6 months
some want a whole year
some want more
but they should all want proof of where the money has come from

SpoonyCat · 01/04/2025 18:16

Snapncrackle · 01/04/2025 17:30

But even when it’s a Gift they want to see where it’s come from as in bank statements / savings and stuff if the op DH transferred it to them that would show inn bank statements

Show quote history

It would probably show as coming from his parent's bank account as a cash gift. That would sound reasonable enough

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/04/2025 18:12

CarrieOnComplaining · 01/04/2025 11:30

You are not being petty.

And it is financially illiterate to be paying finance / interest on your refurb loans while she has your money interest free. By the way - the current interest in a savings account on £40k for year is about £2k . So your DH has in effect given them £2k. More if the finance for your refurb is at higher interest rate.

I do agree with getting legal advice.

Then - do you know her well enough to go to her and say 'look, DH is a soft hearted. loyal friend, but you might not realise that we can't actually afford to continue lending you this money. I know you are waiting for the sale of the house, but it would save a lot of upset within our household if you could repay by other means now. We've known each other a long time and I want to be honest and say it is affecting the friendship at the moment'

Not to be morbid, but contracts and wills are for when the unthinkable strikes - if she and her DH meet with something fatal your £40k will not be recoverable.

I wonder how often, as a financial advisor, she tells clients to splash huge sums of money around without any form of protection?

Well summarised.
I agree re the interest you are paying that is mad and she ABSOLUTELY KNOWS that a loan of that size doesn't go through on word of mouth, or she's not really a financial advisor.
Can you get some statements of interest and work out how much it is costing you to lend her this money? I think that might be the way forward.
What is your DH thinking?!!

This would all be bad enough if he'd lent it to her, when you need it and she was going to pay it back asap. But the stress of worrying that you might never see the money again and having to wonder if her "updates" are all just lies, is the absolute pits!.
Can you get proper advice.
Draw up an agreement yourself with their advice and ask her to sign it retrospectively. Visit her, without DH and ask her to sign it there and then retrospectively. Tell her it is ruining your marriage, you cannot afford the interest and you cannot sleep at night and that you cannot believe he didn't ask for something in writing on that amount of money.
If she refuses, you will at least know where you stand.

Another alternative... show her your interest statements or add it up and do your own spreadsheet.. and ask her to pay a portion of it back to you right now.. say £10k.. Can't believe she doesn't have £10k or access to it. At least you'd have clawed some back. If she's willing to do that you can produce an agreement for her to sign to cover the rest.

The other question is has he lent it to her, or to her son? Who is responsible for this debt?

Also. I believe it is possible to clearly and calmly discuss it with her. If she starts acting all offended you can calmly explain that you have no intention of upsetting or offending her but you do need some clarity on this as its such a large sum and its causing you so much worry. (could you record the conversation - and any telephone calls?)

After that she and her party can eff off. It would be the last thing I'd want to go to... if she is a con artist, the invite, the photos of close friends is all part of massaging you into thinking of her as an amazing friend and being more reluctant to take her on. However, you have to play this carefully, so you may have to go.

Stampees · 01/04/2025 18:10

StartAnew · 01/04/2025 16:01

It's hard to believe this really happened. You handed over 40K so that somebody else's son could buy a house? Why couldn't he just wait until his parents had the money available? Crazy.

Why does an adult need their parent to sort it. I get he had to move and was getting a divorce. He could rent and build up to buying again. It’s called being an adult!

I don’t know of any friends lending anyone money. Our friendship circle would typically have an annual income of at least £250k and loans have never come up.

If it goes sour and you have proof, the FCA may find this info interesting if she’s a financial advisor.

cestlaviecherie · 01/04/2025 18:09

violetsorrengail · 01/04/2025 18:02

I've read some odd things on here but I think this takes the Biscuit

Jammy Dodger describes the friend pretty well tbh

sweetgingercat · 01/04/2025 18:07

She has her own financial business? That means you have the upper hand as any public sniff that she is underhand and untrustworthy with money will ruin her business.

She is probably being casual because your DH has been ruinously careless and casual. I would say that as the money was supposed to be a short term loan and now looks like it will be longer term, you want a legal agreement. She needs, for example to pay it by April or you will want a legal agreement and interest on the loan. And write in that she has an end date to pay it by. If she doesn’t pay it by then you will seek legal redress (you don’t have to tell her that.)

The trouble is if it is tied to the sale of her house, it might take 6 months to sell and it might never sell. This is unreasonable on her part. She is a financial person so she will understand and respect your need to protect your assets. She is taking advantage of your idiot husband.

violetsorrengail · 01/04/2025 18:02

I've read some odd things on here but I think this takes the Biscuit