Page 16 | To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

SpaceMoo · 2025-04-01T08:44:44+00:00

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc. Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused. It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

GnomeDePlume · 02/04/2025 09:21

On the whole I think you will probably eventually see some of the money back but it will take a lot of stress/pushing on your part. In the process you will lose this friendship:

she will realise with you paying attention your DH will no longer be a useful idiot to have around.
you will no longer be able to tolerate her as you can now see her 'wealth' is fake.

Your DH needs to get his head out of the sand. She isn't a financial genius otherwise she wouldn't have needed to borrow this money from him. Borrowing/lending money isn't what wealthy friends do for each other.

The free financial advice isn't necessarily good advice. Your DH has had his head turned by talk of trust funds etc. Your DH thinks he has joined a special club, he hasn't.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 02/04/2025 07:10

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:14

I have considered a divorce. DH is always doing this (the savings was burning a hole in his pocket!) but in the past it’s been with family who have always paid it back. No loan agreement. I didn’t event realise he would be this stupid. We have been friends with them for over two decades. They are ‘visibly rich’. Big house, two cars each, gated house. I felt silly to be questioning if they would give it back.

She asked to borrow, she does have a house we know about. We’ve seen it. She did have problems with her tenants who she couldn’t evict and has a court hearing to evict them. Then she can sell the property and give us the money back. This is all true and I believe it. Problem is it’s taken her longer to give us the money back and now we are tied into her selling this house of hers and have to hear about it, keep up with it like it all depends on this. She can afford to give us the money back without selling the house.

I don’t know if I’m being extra anxious and suspicious and DH keeps saying I don’t do risky things etc and has cornered me into feeling like I’m being petty.

sorry op. I don’t think you’re ever going to get this money back. This “friend” used your husband’s stupidity (what kind of twat goes around lending out money to random people because the money is burning a hole in his pocket?? And what kind of twatS lend out thousands written a formal agreement??)
You’ve got a massive husband problem. But also, why on earth did you agree with this? It wasn’t your husband’s money to do with as he pleased, it was FAMILY money.
Your chances of getting this money back basically relies on the generosity of the “friend” as you cannot proof you lent out the money.
You need to deal with your husband. And not by making him sleep in the spare bedroom but by sitting down and having an adult conversation about the future of your FAMILY finances and that going forward not a penny is going to go to be lent out to anyone (friend or family). (I’d have a very critical look at all financial decisions made by your husband - mortgage, insurances, investments, pensions.. the lot… he is clearly financially very gullible. But also take a critical look at your own role in this situation. It’s time to stop doing what he suggests. You are also part of this relationship and had a right to say “no we’re not lending our money out to others”).

Mumtobabyhavoc · 02/04/2025 07:06

Why do you/your dh even care what these people think of you??? A doctor? Professional people? FGS, why did they need money from friends? Don't pussyfoot around. It just makes you look like a stupid amateur.
Get legal advice now.

expat321 · 02/04/2025 05:52

DahliaBlooming · 01/04/2025 23:10

WTF have I just read? This has to be one of the most insane things I've ever heard of. There is something seriously wrong with your husband and your marriage.

Was about to say the same thing. This is utterly insane reading.

purplehair1 · 01/04/2025 23:18

It sounds like she’s not trying to avoid you. Is your relationship such that you could message her, woman to woman, and say that you know your DH wouldn’t want to stress her, but that you really need this money back due to (whatever) and it’s actually causing a breakdown in your relationship as you’ve been rowing about it. Something like that. She may think you’re loaded and can afford to wait. Plus I’d be charging her interest, especially as it’s basically from a loan you took out? She should very much cover that.

PollyG23 · 01/04/2025 23:15

Ignore

TheGentleOpalMember · 01/04/2025 23:10

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 23:00

This is awful. You have taken out a loan and the leant that loaned money to their family but she is refusing to get a loan to pay you back because she doesn't like debt, even though she is in debt to you?
Are you sure she and your husband aren't having an affair I can't see why else he would do this?

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Are you sure she and your husband aren't having an affair I can't see why else he would do this?

Yes, they seen far too over-enmeshed in each other. And, the fact he has moved himself to another bedroom. Hmmmm

DahliaBlooming · 01/04/2025 23:10

WTF have I just read? This has to be one of the most insane things I've ever heard of. There is something seriously wrong with your husband and your marriage.

purplehair1 · 01/04/2025 23:08

She advised YOU to re-mortgage your property? After moaning that it’s hard to get loans? Cheeky cow. I would be absolutely livid.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/04/2025 23:00

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 09:58

We were doing up our house, a massive renovation project and had sold an investment property. We got out personal loans and put kitchen on finance repayments - (at the beginning of the project) so ended up having a fair bit of money left over because we didn’t continue with some of the extension plans. Some plans like extension for downstairs wetroom, driveway and front porch didn’t happen because of timing and builder problems. We are def not flush! Had been saving up for ever and working overtime for this kitchen extension.

The money wasn’t ‘left over’, btw, we should just pay back the loans and kitchen. I hate having debt. DH thinks it’s ok.

This is awful. You have taken out a loan and the leant that loaned money to their family but she is refusing to get a loan to pay you back because she doesn't like debt, even though she is in debt to you?
Are you sure she and your husband aren't having an affair I can't see why else he would do this?

Grammarnut · 01/04/2025 22:41

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:39

Thank you. I said this when he asked me to sign the remortgage agreement and said I will have to find a solicitor of my own to protect my assets from DH and his greedy friends. He did back off. He was taking a lot of financial advice from her.

She had told him to put our house in a trust for our kids etc. I don’t trust her advice.

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In fact putting a property into trust is a good idea - just make sure each of you are trustees (and not her).

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 01/04/2025 22:19

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 13:12

Okay I will reread at a slower pace. I’ve just come back for a tea break peak at the replies. I might be playing this angry. DH is sick of me going on about this too he just said.

Well I am sure you are more sick that you are down £40k! He needs to back off - you have every right to be angry. He's an idiotic fool who doesn't know a con artist when he sees one!

Natged79 · 01/04/2025 22:14

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Booboobagins · 01/04/2025 21:59

Tell her you need to charge her interest because clearly you're paying interest. Put it in writing to her.

Your DH is sadly gullible. I would not put up with anyone being free with family money.

Im so sorry it sounds shit. £40k is a lot to lend someone you'd know well and without an agreement too.

I would do all that and go to the party. Keep her close.

TheGentleOpalMember · 01/04/2025 21:54

Your husband is irresponsible with money and batshit naive. I wouldn't be surprised if he told her to not worry about paying it back, and has lied to you all along.

The fact he is in a separate bedroom when he is the one in the wrong is galling.

You won't get that money back. I'm telling you now, you won't see a single penny. And your husband is pure trash. I'd divorce. I really would. He will keep wanting to splash your joint money around so he looks like a hero, risking your future. I think it's time for you to end the marriage. He is utterly worthless. So no, don't go to the party, send her a text and tell her you are very angry and are thinking of litigation if she doesn't repay the money in 2 weeks to a month. Then file for divorce.

JaniceLongSchlong · 01/04/2025 21:43

Can you and your DH put a lien on the friends son property? So your contribution is noted?

Canthelpmyselffromjoiningin · 01/04/2025 21:31

I'd be starting the quiet gentle threats. It doesnt sound like you've got enough paperwork to enforce anything, but if she's a regulated financial advisor who has been providing financial advice to you / DH, and you've got proof DH transferred £40k to her, at her request with no protection, that should be potentially career ending. I work in a different financial services roles and it would end my career if the person I took the money from kicked up stink.
Speak to her and ask her to explain the terms conditions of the loan, and why she thought this would be a good idea based on your needs. Explain that you need the money back within the next 2 weeks, otherwise you'll have to seek advice on what to do next.
Mis selling is covered by FSCS so explain that as she's been acting as your financial adviser for the last few years and has advised this loan too, unfortunately if you can't get your money back from her, you'll have to contact her firm / FOS / FCA etc to find out of there's any other way to recoup the money you've lost. Then let that sink in and hope its enough to scare her.
IANAL but is there potential to report her for fraud? She's conned your DH out of £40k and as a financial advisor, she reasonably would know that she shouldn't have taken it without a proper agreement on when to pay it back with interest.
And sympathy, your husband's an idiot. Any savings you both have should be put in your sole name from now on, or in an account that can only be accessed if both signatories agree.

SpoonyCat · 01/04/2025 21:24

It's the classic "I'm super wealthy but a little short of money at the moment. Could you help me out? You'll get your money back with interest." scam. Maybe the husband was offered some interest in return but it was all a verbal agreement so he'll never see it?

Waterweight · 01/04/2025 20:55

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:14

I have considered a divorce. DH is always doing this (the savings was burning a hole in his pocket!) but in the past it’s been with family who have always paid it back. No loan agreement. I didn’t event realise he would be this stupid. We have been friends with them for over two decades. They are ‘visibly rich’. Big house, two cars each, gated house. I felt silly to be questioning if they would give it back.

She asked to borrow, she does have a house we know about. We’ve seen it. She did have problems with her tenants who she couldn’t evict and has a court hearing to evict them. Then she can sell the property and give us the money back. This is all true and I believe it. Problem is it’s taken her longer to give us the money back and now we are tied into her selling this house of hers and have to hear about it, keep up with it like it all depends on this. She can afford to give us the money back without selling the house.

I don’t know if I’m being extra anxious and suspicious and DH keeps saying I don’t do risky things etc and has cornered me into feeling like I’m being petty.

Looks like you'll be going to her 50th (& 51st 52nd 53rd 54th 55th ect)

If however you do see the money back I would seriously consider a divorce

ohtowinthelottery · 01/04/2025 20:50

SpoonyCat · 01/04/2025 18:16

It would probably show as coming from his parent's bank account as a cash gift. That would sound reasonable enough

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@SpoonyCat But the checks by the solicitors acting for the friends son would have to investigate the origin of the funds in the parent's bank account that they gifted to him. Telling them it was given/loaned to them by friends wouldn't pass muster I'm afraid. There needs to be firm evidence of the origin of the money.
I gifted a much smaller sum to my own DS. I had to show exactly where I got the money from, including providing a copy of my DMs will (who'd died 9 years earlier) as well as giving the 3rd party financial check company access to our bank account where I had to explain away numerous credit entries on our accounts.

mumuseli · 01/04/2025 20:42

I agree with those posters who have said that you need to get some evidence of the loan before you fall out with her. Preferably even before you show any anger at her - in case she is a devious scammer… best be clever and not let her get wind of your approach just yet. If she really is a professional scammer, then she’s going to be really careful to not be trapped like that, so act innocent with her while you casually gather your proof.
So some email correspondence would be best, as other have said, but even a text message exchange where it’s referenced that it was a loan.
THEN make your next move, whether that’s asking for a contract, making it really clear to her how unacceptable this is, or bringing solicitors in.
But get as much as you can as evidence first.

GooseClues · 01/04/2025 20:29

Maybe you should take this to the next level? 😂
Prepare a loan repayment agreement and take it to the party. Your husband loudly announces that he has cancer and that he needs to formalise the loan for any potential inheritance admin. Then continue the drama making him the “poor brave thing” of your social group and once the loan is payed back he magically recovers.
If this all goes to shit at least you can maybe sell the story to Netflix and get your 40k back that way.

TheHerboriste · 01/04/2025 20:25

LadyATarantula · 01/04/2025 19:42

If she's an IFA, tell her you want to put a 'charge' on the property for £40k - it's your loan security until you get your money back when the property is sold. You just need a solicitor to have something legal drawn up. And then if she fails to pay you back, it will affect her credit rating and ability to trade as an FCA Regulated advisor.

Hey, this is a really good idea.

OldCottageGreenhouse · 01/04/2025 20:18

I read her words in your OP as her telling you she can’t pay the money back. This has been further cemented by her suggestion that you remortgage! She wouldn’t suggest that if she had any intention of paying you back within the next 5/10 years.

Might just be my take on it

Hoppinggreen · 01/04/2025 20:15

GnomeDePlume · 01/04/2025 20:09

@Hoppinggreen yes, that's my thought. Has she done this before?

@SpaceMoo you have known this woman a while. Thinking back, are there other friends who seem to have dropped out?

They may have got some or even all of their money back but will have been socially dropped by this woman once she has used them.

I imagine she has, probably made a career of it.
Her next move will be to trash OP first so if she tries to tell other people what she has done it looks like OP is lying.
I have seen it before with someone in our community (who actually ended up in prison for mortgage fraud). One person tried to speak out but everyone had been told the fraudster suspected her of stealing, another tried as well but everyone had been told that her husband had come onto the fraudster so she had an axe to grind.
These people are very clever and very devious and its rare people see them coming until its too late. OP's H will have been targetted by being dazzled by being "accepted" into the wealthy crowd but he never was, he is just a mark for this woman.
It all sounds fanatstical but thats how they get away with it