To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

I am 67 and would be horrified at the idea of my Dc driving a 2 hour return journey to save me an hour’s train trip.

I travel by train in the evening/ late night all the time.

Unless there is a very specific disability or illness that precludes travel I have little patience with this acquired fragility and helplessness of all sorts of people

But what you do about it OP, I am not sure. Because the expectation is doubtless built on a lifetime of conditioning, cultural norms etc.

Just be on your guard in future and pitch your own efforts accordingly (I.e don’t go all out and exhaust yourself with hosting)

It's not whether she can. It's whether it's kind and soft and loving. Filial duty and gentleness.

Apart from safety considerations if they're in ethnic dress or otherwise visible minorities. As there is so much hatred being stirred up in the media against difference.

Yeah, this.

If they can’t host, why can’t they come early and do some of the cooking?

Your husband is the main problem here, along with his family. Had you bought and prepared enough food for the last minute no-shows as well? Unless they were ill, they’re all incredibly rude.
I would be telling your DH in no uncertain terms, that you won’t be doing anything on that scale alone again and if he wants to host then he makes it clear that everyone needs to pitch in.
Having said that, you agreed to go along with it (even though you didn’t want to), so you’ve got to take some responsibility for that too.
I can’t believe the three of them sat there eating all the food that you’d prepared and yet not one of them told you to come and sit down for a minute. They all sound utterly awful.

Boggling at the idea that a 67 year old can’t take a train home at 10.30pm. My 88 year old father did it on his own at 11pm after an event recently. The MiL here wasn’t even alone!

Yet elsewhere on this site, and quite rightly, posters advise that drunk offspring should be picked up in the wee small hours from clubs, and that we should have a care for women's safety at night on the streets. Getting one's own mother home is just the same.

I think that’s fair. I’ve been to many Eid and Diwali meals for twenty people or more, but one person wasn’t cooking everything, guests were bringing large amounts of the food, and everyone was pulling pre-prepared stuff out of the freezer. I make samosas myself. They freeze really well.

YABU not to put your foot down about hosting.

Tell him to piss off the next time he mentions it. Why are you spending all night cleaning and decorating for a dinner party. What you're describing sounds like unnecessary stress. Just stop.

Non drivers shouldn't expect someone to do 2 hours driving late at night to get them home

We’re all atrocious cooks until we bother to learn not to be - tell your DH that he has to do that, ignorance is no excuse.

Otherwise it will always all fall to you - and to your daughter, and your daughter’s daughter.

Yeah, this, it's the collision of a nuclear family setup with a way of life that needs extended family input.

Before marriage, it really was a big family effort and we'd all contribute a bit for it all to come together.

Yes, this is the norm I think.

I have previously tried to keep it low key but nobody ate, there have been tears (SIL), lots of fussy eaters about food not being right etc

Your IL's expectations (that you do everything alone) are not the norm. They cannot have it both ways. If they want the whole nine yards, they need to pitch in.

I think a lot of posters are missing the differences in cultures here however, It's insanity to me that you were left to do all the cooking yourself. I'm not asian but I do have Asian friends and holiday meals such as Eid are usually all the women pitching in together? The meals are long and complicated so I'm not surprised you were stressed, added with the extra hassle of your home needing to be almost hotel standard to please MIL and not be judged, I just don't know what to say. DH or MIL should have fed dd as you were stuck in the kitchen. The lift is understandable but again not really when you're being left to do everything by yourself. I feel for you op.

The whole situation, last minute hosting, needing to spend all night cooking and decorating to host family would seem U to many people. But clearly the dynamic in your family is to make this huge effort, so in the context of that, I'm not sure the lift home is the hill to die on. Personally I think you are going to a great deal more work for your Hs family than most would be happy with. If this is something that's a day to day feature of your life, then it might be time to think about asserting yourself with your H to bring about some gradual changes. He could learn to cook for starters!

No, I have been repeatedly shocked in people's homes.

Crikey - you really are awfully prejudiced, aren't you?

But it's ok to say 'crazy'...?
Worms and lice in my experience are much more common in families with school age children and no religious washing rules.

Family. Includes the children. It's a religious celebration which is passed down through the generations. It doesn't translate to a non-Christian Christmas meal. Or to an individualistic culture which most of us share in the UK.

What are you talking about? Who has worms and lice?

In fact at a lot of ultra orthodox Hindu events men have been the cooks not because of equality but because of ritual purity reasons.

Can’t imagine a two year old cares about iftar. Dinner and bed at usual time. Adults, enjoy yourselves!

Agree with this comment, I don't think it's cultural ignorance of anyone to point out that it's a bit highly bloody convenient that so many cultures seem to end up with women running around doing everything for the family and extended family - just because some cultures have managed to spin it as a position of honour, when you lay it out its still women cooking and cleaning and organising and doing the childcare while men have much more free and relaxation time. It's not misunderstanding anything to say so.