To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

No you really don't. Regardless of the culture if someone is invited to a huge meal like Eid or Christmas that is traditionally prepared for much further in advance just days before and does nothing to assist the host then they take you as they find you, they eat what they are given and they are grateful for the effort that's been made last minute. Anything else is just rude.

You do if, like the OP, you have two days’ notice that you need to do it.

That doesn't make sense though. Christmas isn't sprung on you. Big occasions aren't sprung on you. If you feel the need to redecorate and deep clean you don't wait until 24 hours before to do it all.

This is not the point of your post, I know, but on future occasions, could you make some of the food (e.g. curries) and freeze it? In your shoes I'd be trying to do as much in advance as possible...

I think you're getting a terribly hard time from posters who don't seem to understand that a) clingy 2 year olds are extremely difficult to work around (I had one and I understand... it's like being shackled and makes everything 10x harder to achieve... there are 2 year olds, and then there are clingy/high maintenance 2 year olds...) and b) that being out of routine occasionally isn't the end of the world!

I know what Eid is. But OP is hosting 2 people. Not 20! you gotta keep it real.

Eid

Imagine having 24 hours to prepare for Christmas.

Which is why families usually collaborate. Or round me, pile into restaurants.

I feel like the cultural differences on this one are too much for most of us to accurately reply.

For me and my partner we have both my parents and my in-laws over semi regularly. We have a 6month old and a 2 y/o along with 2 dogs, the house is busy! We would never spend an evening before cleaning the house, a quick 10 minute hoover and a cloth over the surfaces is fine, we keep the house clean and tidy but it is definitely lived in. We make something that is fairly easy to cook and doesn't need hours of prep time.

Any guests coming over around bedtime accept that one parent will disappear upstairs for anything from 30 mins - 1hour+ to put the kids to bed.

Luckily all parents drive, however if one set didn't we would offer lifts home (luckily local) but they would need to be at convenient times, they would either need to go before bedtime or after bedtime to make sure one parent wasn't left with chaos.

That's how it is, however, that is not appropriate in all cultures so I can't really give OP advice beyond this is how we do it but I suspect it may not work for wou.

Maybe the problem is that you were out all day visiting your family, so had less time to prepare?

Could you just have everyone to yours for dinner instead, if you do this again?

I wouldn't expect my mum to get a taxi. Not being funny but if you're a SAHM I would think you had enough time to get organised, lots of mums do this and also have to work outside the home. Some of us with no husbands to help out.

A 2 year old napping until 7pm? Wouldn't their bedtime be around that time? Unless they were up late to see their nan?
Shocking they weren't fed dinner with the family!
A whole night staying up cooking/cleaning/decorating just for a meal is really over the top.
Not unreasonable for husband to drive his mum home.
Sounds like utter chaos.

I don't understand all the stress and drama for hosting 2 people for 3h. why does it include 'a couple of days' shopping/cleaning decorating incl an overnighter. And then there are 4 functioning adults on the day and nobody was able to feed the 2 year old? it's all just batshit.

If hosting the Eid dinner is the only way your in laws will see your child then you have a real problem. Eid is once a year. It seems you wouldn’t have cooked an Eid meal for just yourselves so the solution is you never host Eid again and instead invite them over for dinner at other times when the ritual of Eid (cleaning, specific dishes etc) doesn’t apply.

@RiversofOtter5
" In fact at a lot of ultra orthodox Hindu events men have been the cooks not because of equality but because of ritual purity reasons."

What does this mean?

That in ultra Hindu events the women are considered "unclean"? So not worthy to cook?

Sounds Patriachal AND Matriarchal .
Patriarchal in that women are not pure enough to cater for others and Matriarchal,, in that elders are catered for by the younger, but female here.
And women, equally, being the "Bountiful fruit"? Sounds very convenient to hang all the responsibility on to one person to appease the men and the older women.

OP, would your DH have done all this, BEFORE you were in his life, for his family, especially as you have noted he is an "atrocious" cook?
I suspect not. You have been a great convenience in his life.

I think it is absolutely fine to observe the culture you have married into, but there, equally, should be the observation on your in-laws and DHs part, that you are doing this in a different culture too...one where there is not the ease of accessing specific ingredients, multiple other people to share the load and with very little notice. Add to that, you catered for 3 adults that cancelled at the last minute and you were also fasting, AND, it was accepted that you did not eat with them??

Culture or no, this just comes down to multiple examples of entitlement and bad manners.

Non Muslims, apparently.

So what has SIL done to be worthy of such respect that she doesn't have to lift a finger?

Fail to learn to cook samosas and remain unmarried as a consequence? Because that sounds like the most brilliant strategic incompetence to me. I think if I were from that culture, remaining single and MIL free would look extremely appealing.

Your cultural insensitivity is ridiculous and smacks of wilful ignorance.

Look, I too am rolling my eyes at the posters saying, "why didn't you just roast a chicken and steam some veggies?" and "unless the food was very spicy they could have just given the two year old something from their plates".

Read the damn thread.

At the same time, this is a UK based parenting site where most posters do not share this cultural background.

I am not a Muslim. I know what Eid is. I understand the effort that would go into preparing a meal like this, and why it wouldn't be acceptable to just get a takeaway, or buy ready made samosas, or have a simple dinner rather than one with ten different dishes all made from scratch, and why the house needed to be perfect rather than just "good enough". These things are important for certain cultural celebrations and I can respect that even if I'm not from that culture.

What I can't muster up any respect for is the idea that the OP, or any DIL in this situation, needs to run herself ragged so that her husband can show off, for the benefit of lazy and ungrateful people who think it's OK to sit on their arses and let the person who has spent the last couple of days cooking wait on them hand and foot.

If that really is part of this culture then perhaps people from that culture should be asking themselves whether their culture needs to change, not telling others to respect it.

Because misogyny is something that I will never respect, regardless of the culture. That's not racism, it's feminism.

You have both literally made a meal out of this one. Please don't neglect to feed your child again, she should have regular mealtimes at say 7, 12 and 5pm. You're really minimising the neglect here and it's disgusting. It doesn't matter if you feed yourself or not, but she is totally dependent on you so be organised. Of course DH should drive MIL home or get her a taxi, that has nothing to do with nobody feeding a 2yo until 10.30pm.

Your claim is that you spent 19 hours one day and 3 hours the next day cooking for 4 adults. That's both insane and very silly. Not too mention really rude to not actually sit with your guests. Next time buy some bits in, make some other bits fresh and leave the frills out.

Who did this meal help? Not the 2yo, she was neglected and unfed. Not you, you didn't eat. Not DH, he got caught in a row about driving. Not MIL, she was ignored by you all meal then you argued about her being taken home. Not SIL, also ignored by you all meal. Reset your plans to focus on the humans with what they want and need, rather than some made-up expectations around specific cooked dishes.

For accuracy: Eid is mentioned twice in the OP; once very early in the second paragraph. The MIL not having 100% English fluency and being bad at geography/directions is mentioned in between.

Posters here are not just hasty readers. Some are judging OP by their own cultural norms. This is inappropriate.

I'm off to work now.

(As my grandmother's grandmother was Muslim but my grandmother wasn't she didn't learn to cook sevaiyan at home; shock horror she and the neighbours must have been in and out of each other's kitchens 😅 I wish more people were.)

So many people on here popping up to ask questions that just a quick read of the OP’s posts would make clear, or make suggestions that miss the point. Why do people see a multi page thread and think that nothing on it will be worth reading before they post?

The two year old had been at her grandparents for lunch and the afternoon and had a late nap. She was out of routine on a celebration day, probably fullish from a big lunch. It doesn’t mean that it’s not crap that none of the adults made sure she’d had some food but there’s a context to her being up late.

Just noticed that Eid is explicitly mentioned at the end (see what I mean about reading quickly) so clearly it is just people who don't have the cultural context, otherwise, as you were.

I love this post. Great suggestions. And now I want sevaiyan 😅 as my grandmother used to make...

OP I’m sorry what was meant to be a celebration and bonding over food was so horrible for you. Whatever culture we are from it feels deep,y universally wrong for any human to be treated like a servant while others act selfishly.

When families get together, surely the way to show good manners, kindness and care is for everyone to help to make it a lovely time. In our family that means that we (granny and grandpa) will take a homemade dish and look after little one while parents also enjoy getting together.

I think it would be good if you and your husband can talk about how to celebrate future special times and plan how to make it happy and fair for all. Don’t let your fear of criticism and unkind words from SIL intimidate you into not being an equal OP. In your home you need to have a voice and choose with DH how you want your daughter to grow up and what values are important.

Also use a freezer!

To be fair it is the OP who mentioned about nobody remembering to feed her 2 year old!. I come from a culture where it's normal for kids to stay up late on certain occasions and if family are round etc but they get fed!!!

No, you are making all sorts of personal comments about me because you think posters who call OP's culture crazy are fine, but I can't make any negative observations whatsoever even based in experience. It's DARVO. It is not ok for people to come on here and tell OP how to do Eid when they have no insight and it's gravely concerning that in a multicultural world people have such little insight! Report away. I've been thinking of reporting the whole thread.