Page 7 | To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

gollyimholly · 2025-04-01T04:45:02+00:00

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be. DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning) MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too. When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home. MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening. AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands. Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming. If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/04/2025 12:34

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 11:18

Previously MIL has come to my mum's for Eid or I will have cooked something and taken it to hers. And so going to hers is definitely an option.

I do feel bad for DH as he would love for MIL to play with DD more etc and it is just difficult to do that at hers. I can appreciate her side completely. Equally, SIL could host at hers where there's space but I don't think the thought has ever crossed her mind.

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I think you should go back to doing this. Invite your MIL to celebrate with your family. Your MIL's sisters can sort themselves out like they did this year. (They clearly got another invitation they preferred at the last minute, or else they're just not fussed.) Your SIL can go wherever her husband is going. (Presumably he also went to his own family.)

GRex · 01/04/2025 12:26

All these comparisons with Christmas make the food and house prep point rather well. We've hosted a few times for 10-12, including with a toddler, and it really wasn't days of cooking; prep the day before with a clean, finish prep in the morning. We bought in the desserts and sauces as shortcuts, everything else was made fresh. Similarly for the big family parties (usually 30 at our house), we do a mix of freshly cooked and some bought-in bits. There will have been shortcuts OP could have taken too, to make it manageable; the choice isn't 12 * 4 hour prep dishes versus oven chips. The SIL should be given short shrift by the DH if she's rude, not pandered to. This is supposed to be family coming together for a meal; everyone should be kind to each other and feed the child. If they can't manage that without every one of them getting upset then the whole concept needs revisiting.

Oneearringlost · 01/04/2025 12:25

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 11:53

They want to do the same. They feel sad that they can't do the same with DH. And DH wants the same too.

As an aside, I too am fine to do it but on my terms - plan it ahead so that I can be properly organised and not shattered. I want to give DD a nice experience for Eid and planned a lot for her to have a good time. However, for me, that looks like Eid on rotation between the adults in the family. I think it's a fair, shared way to do it.

Edit: I've told DH this is what I would like to do going forwards but he thinks it will be more like this: we go to MIL's, DD won't like it though (he suspects this because there isn't enough room to play. IMO, DD won't like it because MIL actually doesn't stay in that much contact with DD anyway but that's another issue altogether) OR everyone comes to ours. He doesn't think SIL will do anything ever.

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I agree with you, there.
However, there have been an unfortunate set of events here.

1)DH should not have sprung this on you.

He should not have been unable to do more than a surface clean of the house and put up some decorations. He may be an atrocious cook but that doesn't mean he can't chop and prepare a lot of the food.
Bar Norovirus or injury, your BIL and your MIL's two siblings should not have cancelled at the last minute.
What IS going on with your SIL and MIL's behaviour, that they 'want' to experience a lovely Eid but are unwilling to get themselves to and from your house, don't lift a finger to help and watch you not eat, while they all do?
By your own admission, your understanding of a real, lovely Eid, is where the burden is shared on rotation.
Your DH and in-laws are not abiding by this, so you need to learn from this experience and recognise that, if you let them, they will take and take and you are setting yourself up to give and give. Thereby you reasonably feel resentment and exhaustion.

The future is what you make it, in this situation. Next time, there needs to be clear communication between you and DH as to a fair division of labour, who does what...explicitly. what jobs too...what expectations you EACH expect of one another, and are they realistic.
Are you looking for approval from DH and your in-laws, if so, ask yourself WHY you have set yourself such unattainable standards to please them.

To use the oft quoted Mumset phrase,
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm."

All the best OP. X

kerstina · 01/04/2025 12:15

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 06:02

No issues between MIL and I. She is a lovely, kind lady.

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Then yes I would be happy for DH to take her home. He sounds a lovely son too. Special occasions can be stressful affairs but often only come round once a year and worth it to be together and celebrate.

Codlingmoths · 01/04/2025 12:13

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 11:53

They want to do the same. They feel sad that they can't do the same with DH. And DH wants the same too.

As an aside, I too am fine to do it but on my terms - plan it ahead so that I can be properly organised and not shattered. I want to give DD a nice experience for Eid and planned a lot for her to have a good time. However, for me, that looks like Eid on rotation between the adults in the family. I think it's a fair, shared way to do it.

Edit: I've told DH this is what I would like to do going forwards but he thinks it will be more like this: we go to MIL's, DD won't like it though (he suspects this because there isn't enough room to play. IMO, DD won't like it because MIL actually doesn't stay in that much contact with DD anyway but that's another issue altogether) OR everyone comes to ours. He doesn't think SIL will do anything ever.

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Then you say, fine, whatever, we won’t go to your mums. You don’t seem to get it. I am not hosting this every year for your family. We don’t go to your mums, we won’t see them. I am never hosting it without 3 weeks advance notice , I will not be in the house when they come if you book it last minute and I am not hosting more than once every second year UNLESS I offer. Not you pressure me, not you invite them, if I decide to offer. When we host, I cook what I want to and your sister can jjust fucking leave if she complains. That minute. These are my rules, take them or the alternative is I never ever host Eid again. We can just go to my mums , and your mum come sometimes.

Hobbitfeet32 · 01/04/2025 12:09

This is a great opportunity to show your daughter that it doesn't have to be this way. You can change things. Next time say 'as it is short notice then this is what I can manage to prepare...' then say what it is. So that might be that some of the food is pre-made frozen such as samosas. Or that the guests all bring something. Or that your husband is given a dish to prepare. Or that the meal is scaled back. If you continue to perpetuate this notion that things have to be done in a certain way then that will continue to the next generation until someone says actually I'm not doing it anymore. I say this as someone from a very multicultural family including Muslims who celebrate Eid.

Original poster

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 11:53

Oneearringlost · 01/04/2025 11:45

Wow! Then I'm even more horrified by their expectations. So Eid was not even part of their culture before you came on the scene, and yet, is this really what they expect?

Or, do they not really expect it, but you are trying to live up to your own ( possibly unrealistic, in the circumstances) high standards?

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They want to do the same. They feel sad that they can't do the same with DH. And DH wants the same too.

As an aside, I too am fine to do it but on my terms - plan it ahead so that I can be properly organised and not shattered. I want to give DD a nice experience for Eid and planned a lot for her to have a good time. However, for me, that looks like Eid on rotation between the adults in the family. I think it's a fair, shared way to do it.

Edit: I've told DH this is what I would like to do going forwards but he thinks it will be more like this: we go to MIL's, DD won't like it though (he suspects this because there isn't enough room to play. IMO, DD won't like it because MIL actually doesn't stay in that much contact with DD anyway but that's another issue altogether) OR everyone comes to ours. He doesn't think SIL will do anything ever.

OP posts:

Ohioatdawn · 01/04/2025 11:47

thepariscrimefiles · 01/04/2025 08:26

You do realise that OP's family is Muslim and Eid is as big a deal as Christmas is for Christians? Other Muslim posters have confirmed the elaborate and time-consuming nature of the food, all of which needs to be cooked from scratch.

Would you tell a poster who was stressed about preparing an elaborate Christmas dinner single handedly with 4 days' notice to just chuck a casserole in the oven? Plus, guests coming for Christmas dinner would be very disappointed in a casserole, but there is no religious element dictating the food for Christmas dinner. It is traditional rather than religious, unlike Eid.

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It was 2 guests.

Oneearringlost · 01/04/2025 11:45

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 11:27

It sounds like they barely celebrated Eid before I met him. But they've seen DH come to my family's things and how they do it and want the same.

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Wow! Then I'm even more horrified by their expectations. So Eid was not even part of their culture before you came on the scene, and yet, is this really what they expect?

Or, do they not really expect it, but you are trying to live up to your own ( possibly unrealistic, in the circumstances) high standards?

HereForTheFreeLunch · 01/04/2025 11:43

Maybe go back to what you did when you were not married - cook one item and take it over.

DP and you need to reiterate that a couple of times a day! Then if plans change you say fine, bring the food to ours. We will make x as before.

I think they are CF's though. Plans wouldn't have changed at the last minute if they had actually prepared for anyone coming to theirs.

Mightymoog · 01/04/2025 11:30

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 06:12

I can't give my IL's English food.
They eat a very specific menu on special occasions and it does take me ages. There is no quick way to do it.
Canapes, starters, biryani, rice, curry etc and dessert.
If it was just a regular dinner it would be far less stressful, but I cooked literally 10 different things.

DD was napping until 7pm and usually not in the mood to eat for a while after she wakes up @FortyElephants

They may want specific food but to put it bluntly they get what they're given if someone else ishosting

Original poster

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 11:27

Oneearringlost · 01/04/2025 09:57

@RiversofOtter5
" In fact at a lot of ultra orthodox Hindu events men have been the cooks not because of equality but because of ritual purity reasons."

What does this mean?

That in ultra Hindu events the women are considered "unclean"? So not worthy to cook?

Sounds Patriachal AND Matriarchal .
Patriarchal in that women are not pure enough to cater for others and Matriarchal,, in that elders are catered for by the younger, but female here.
And women, equally, being the "Bountiful fruit"? Sounds very convenient to hang all the responsibility on to one person to appease the men and the older women.

OP, would your DH have done all this, BEFORE you were in his life, for his family, especially as you have noted he is an "atrocious" cook?
I suspect not. You have been a great convenience in his life.

I think it is absolutely fine to observe the culture you have married into, but there, equally, should be the observation on your in-laws and DHs part, that you are doing this in a different culture too...one where there is not the ease of accessing specific ingredients, multiple other people to share the load and with very little notice. Add to that, you catered for 3 adults that cancelled at the last minute and you were also fasting, AND, it was accepted that you did not eat with them??

Culture or no, this just comes down to multiple examples of entitlement and bad manners.

It sounds like they barely celebrated Eid before I met him. But they've seen DH come to my family's things and how they do it and want the same.

OP posts:

Original poster

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 11:18

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/04/2025 10:59

Re-reading your posts again OP, can you explain why it used to be a group effort before you got married but now it all falls to you?

Your husband and in laws really have behaved atrociously here. (Mostly your husband for inviting them without consulting you and then presenting it as a done deal, but also your MIL and SIL for not helping at all and the three others for cancelling at the last minute.)

I honestly think you need to have some very harsh words with your husband and say that if he ever, ever does that again, you will simply go to your parents for Eid and stay over, and he will have to come up with an explanation for why you are not there and the promised celebration meal has not materialised. And you need to stick to that, otherwise this will happen again and again and again.

Next year you should just refuse point blank to do it though, and say that it's someone else's turn to host, and if no one on his side of the family steps up, you will celebrate Eid with your family only and he can drive over to see his mother in the evening if he wants.

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Previously MIL has come to my mum's for Eid or I will have cooked something and taken it to hers. And so going to hers is definitely an option.

I do feel bad for DH as he would love for MIL to play with DD more etc and it is just difficult to do that at hers. I can appreciate her side completely. Equally, SIL could host at hers where there's space but I don't think the thought has ever crossed her mind.

OP posts:

Original poster

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 11:16

EuclidianGeometryFan · 01/04/2025 10:52

I have previously tried to keep it low key but nobody ate, there have been tears (SIL), lots of fussy eaters about food not being right etc.

This is the heart of the matter. You spent literally hours and hours cooking, and felt unable to simplify the meal, and didn't even get to sit down and eat any yourself during the 3 hour event, because you are unable to stand up to other peoples tears and bullying.

No-one will treat you with respect and consideration if you don't learn to stand up for yourself.

Find your backbone, tell DH 'No' next year, and if they all do arrive on your doorstep feed them pasta with sauce from a jar. Then when the tears and tantrums start, pick up you handbag and go out by yourself for the evening.
You probably find this suggestion laughably unthinkable - why is that?

Not laughably unthinkable but it would make me feel really anxious if I actually did that. I don't want to invite trouble and I feel like SIL especially is capable of all kinds challenging that I would struggle to deal with.

I will stand more firm with DH next time this happens and will suggest a restaurant or going to MIL's. DH himself is nervous to stand up to SIL so I know it isn't just me.

OP posts:

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/04/2025 10:59

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 07:21

I think I've answered all the recurring questions so far so please do check my more recent posts.

I think the only one I didn't reply to was the decorating - it wasn't DIY, it was some fairy lights, balloons and little bits of Eid decor.

A PP said how it wasn't about DH driving MIL.home - and they really hit the nail on the head. I think by that point in the night, I just wanted to keel over. Also I was fasting and tired myself and just not feeling my best. My only experience of doing this type of cooking is since being married. Before marriage, it really was a big family effort and we'd all contribute a bit for it all to come together. I have previously tried to keep it low key but nobody ate, there have been tears (SIL), lots of fussy eaters about food not being right etc.

Re-reading your posts again OP, can you explain why it used to be a group effort before you got married but now it all falls to you?

Your husband and in laws really have behaved atrociously here. (Mostly your husband for inviting them without consulting you and then presenting it as a done deal, but also your MIL and SIL for not helping at all and the three others for cancelling at the last minute.)

I honestly think you need to have some very harsh words with your husband and say that if he ever, ever does that again, you will simply go to your parents for Eid and stay over, and he will have to come up with an explanation for why you are not there and the promised celebration meal has not materialised. And you need to stick to that, otherwise this will happen again and again and again.

Next year you should just refuse point blank to do it though, and say that it's someone else's turn to host, and if no one on his side of the family steps up, you will celebrate Eid with your family only and he can drive over to see his mother in the evening if he wants.

Azandme · 01/04/2025 10:56

Bluebell865 · 01/04/2025 10:10

I know what Eid is. But OP is hosting 2 people. Not 20! you gotta keep it real.

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Did you miss the bit where it wasn't supposed to be just two, the others pulled out last minute, ignorant sods.

Azandme · 01/04/2025 10:53

GRex · 01/04/2025 09:41

You have both literally made a meal out of this one. Please don't neglect to feed your child again, she should have regular mealtimes at say 7, 12 and 5pm. You're really minimising the neglect here and it's disgusting. It doesn't matter if you feed yourself or not, but she is totally dependent on you so be organised. Of course DH should drive MIL home or get her a taxi, that has nothing to do with nobody feeding a 2yo until 10.30pm.

Your claim is that you spent 19 hours one day and 3 hours the next day cooking for 4 adults. That's both insane and very silly. Not too mention really rude to not actually sit with your guests. Next time buy some bits in, make some other bits fresh and leave the frills out.

Who did this meal help? Not the 2yo, she was neglected and unfed. Not you, you didn't eat. Not DH, he got caught in a row about driving. Not MIL, she was ignored by you all meal then you argued about her being taken home. Not SIL, also ignored by you all meal. Reset your plans to focus on the humans with what they want and need, rather than some made-up expectations around specific cooked dishes.

You need to improve your comprehension, and stop using the word "should" - you're attempting to inflict your cultural norms on people from a different culture.

The child didn't have a specific "dinner", but she had eaten, the OP clearly states that she had had a late nap following a large lunch, isn't hungry after waking, which happened at 7.30, but had eaten canapés during the meal.

As for what time children "should" eat - you realise that's also "some made up expectations" and there are no hard and fast rules?

Set meal times means people are conditioned to eat whether hungry or not, which isn't healthy. If the child was hungry everyone would have known.

Plus, it's highly likely that, even if she didn't have a specific "dinner" her grandmother and aunt would have been giving her little tastes of things - the children in our family can't move at Eid (or any other day) without having someone trying to stick a little bite of food in their mouth.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 01/04/2025 10:52

I have previously tried to keep it low key but nobody ate, there have been tears (SIL), lots of fussy eaters about food not being right etc.

This is the heart of the matter. You spent literally hours and hours cooking, and felt unable to simplify the meal, and didn't even get to sit down and eat any yourself during the 3 hour event, because you are unable to stand up to other peoples tears and bullying.

No-one will treat you with respect and consideration if you don't learn to stand up for yourself.

Find your backbone, tell DH 'No' next year, and if they all do arrive on your doorstep feed them pasta with sauce from a jar. Then when the tears and tantrums start, pick up you handbag and go out by yourself for the evening.
You probably find this suggestion laughably unthinkable - why is that?

MellowCritic · 01/04/2025 10:51

Op i think you place too much pressure on yourself with regards to the amount of cooking and tidying that needs to be done. Actually eid does not dictate certain foods you must cook and make , home made as you said in your first post. That's your culture and choice, don't put this on religion. I do agree that making your hubby drive an hour each way for a lift is excessive but I'm thinking of him rather then you. Why can't you manage without him whilst he's gone, especially as it sounds as if he helps you loads anyway. If this is a problem.for you don't host and instead all meet up at a restaurant half way. Your sil and mil can get a cab together , no lifts needed.

Millyjanice · 01/04/2025 10:51

Sorry,OP but are you seen as the family skivvy ?
Does anyone consider your needs ?
You’ve said you don’t want to host but it goes ahead anyway !
Did anyone during this “ hosting” ask you how you feel? Ask if you need help? Ask if you need to sit down and join them ?
Does it feel like you’re being used? Sounds like you’re used to giving all and receiving nothing back and you’re accepting it.

MellowCritic · 01/04/2025 10:45

DenholmElliot11 · 01/04/2025 05:58

You're making a big performance about essentially chucking a bit of grub around for 2 extra adults. I've never heard the likes of it.

I've never heard the likes of it.

Is it your first time here then?
🤦‍♀️🤣

Ophy83 · 01/04/2025 10:39

This all sounds very stressful and it isn't fair that it's all on you.

I think you should have a chat with your dh and say that in future things will be different.

If in-laws want a home cooked feast then SIL needs to step up and help. Otherwise if it's all on you, then I would choose a couple of bits to make from scratch and order in everything else.

I've done that for Christmas before - we moved in the week before and were having both sets of parents and my brother to stay. But with unpacking and cleaning it all got too much so rather than cook from scratch like we usually do we went to m&s on Christmas Eve and got absolutely everything from bread sauce/stuffing/turkey etc. The only things I made myself were the roast potatoes and the sherry trifle. That way we actually had a lovely Christmas, we got to spend time with the kids, all went for a walk and the food was actually delicious.

If his family are going to be disorganised and refuse to commit to anything in advance and then care so little about your effort that half of them cancel on the day, then it really isn't worth running yourself ragged. Particularly if that then negatively impacts on the one person who has no choice in any of this, your dd.

ItisIbeserk · 01/04/2025 10:22

TwentyTwentyFive · 01/04/2025 10:18

No you really don't. Regardless of the culture if someone is invited to a huge meal like Eid or Christmas that is traditionally prepared for much further in advance just days before and does nothing to assist the host then they take you as they find you, they eat what they are given and they are grateful for the effort that's been made last minute. Anything else is just rude.

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I did mean to say that no one redecorated but the edit times out. They just decorated and cleaned the house. The OP has said her other half did the cleaning slowly and put up some Eid decorations. No deep cleaning either. Just making the house look festive. Ideally he would have done it quicker and helped with the cooking as much as he could. But describing it as you do is misleading.

TheAmusedQuail · 01/04/2025 10:19

Bluebell865 · 01/04/2025 10:00

I don't understand all the stress and drama for hosting 2 people for 3h. why does it include 'a couple of days' shopping/cleaning decorating incl an overnighter. And then there are 4 functioning adults on the day and nobody was able to feed the 2 year old? it's all just batshit.

Maybe not as batshit as two clashing cultural systems, both relying on men that are sky pilots coming to earth. One thousands of years ago, that we bring trees into the house for, have a huge meal for. The other, totally imaginary, who breaks into homes by sliding down a chimney, going into every home in the world and randomly decides if kids deserve gifts or not.

No, of course, 'traditional' British culture is not batshit at all.

crumblingschools · 01/04/2025 10:18

@Bluebell865 there were going to be more people but they bailed at the last minute.