To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

Time for DH to learn how to cook

This is really unfair.

And your point is?

The OP wasn't even sitting at the table, so her husband, MIL and SIL were free to enjoy the fruits of her labour without having to endure her company.

Nothing wrong with it but I wouldn’t let my mum do it. I’d rather know that she’s home and in the house if getting home at 1130pm. Basic level of care and respect I’d give my mum

Myself or DH would always drop my Mum or MIL off at the time. Just put the baby to bed and clean up the next day. Sorry YABU.

It's hardly dramatic, just because you know one person who does something doesn't make the opposite extreme.

I also wouldn't see people making a late night journey on a bus if I was capable of giving them a lift

I missed the fact that originally the husband invited SIL’s husband and MIL’s 2 sisters. Cooking a ritually significant meal for so many people and hosting it in a culturally meaningful way would have been impossibly difficult with such a short time frame. I apologize for my earlier post.

OP doesn't routinely cook this kind of food though.

I routinely cook this kind of food. Not all of it required cooking on the day—the biryani is the only thing I would have done fresh. You did not have to spend three hours cooking and plating up this meal. Your dd was fine with just canapes at two years old or she could have eaten curry and biryani off of grandma’s plate.

I am generally on the OP’s side but this is a mountain out of a mole hill.

To add to my previous reply, I'm a bit concerned about this part, @gollyimholly:

Edit: I've told DH this is what I would like to do going forwards but he thinks it will be more like this: we go to MIL's, DD won't like it though (he suspects this because there isn't enough room to play. IMO, DD won't like it because MIL actually doesn't stay in that much contact with DD anyway but that's another issue altogether) OR everyone comes to ours. He doesn't think SIL will do anything ever.

This suggests that you have not been firm enough with your husband.

You need to read him the riot act about this.

Your starting point for discussions should be that you are never hosting his family for Eid again. Your MIL is welcome to come and celebrate with your family if she would like to. Your SIL and those who cancelled can go fuck themselves.

You need to point out that the fact that they've seen what Eid is like in your family and they want the same thing for themselves is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. If you are expected to host them on a regular basis from now on, you will never get to enjoy Eid yourself because they will always expect to be catered for in the same way they would be in your family, except that in your family everyone pitches in to help rather than leaving it to one person to do everything.

If they're not willing to help then they don't deserve a nice Eid celebration like the ones you have in your family.

And be clear about the fact that in future, you decide whether to host and who to invite, not him. He has absolutely no business volunteering to host, in the full knowledge that he's incapable of doing 99% of the work and it will fall to you. Who does he think he is, volunteering you for all that work to host his lazy, rude, ungrateful relatives? Particularly his sister, given that it sounds like she's never made a samosa in her life but will turn her nose up if yours don't meet her exacting standards.

Tell him very clearly that next year is an absolute non starter, you will not be hosting anyone at all, and in future years you will have a conversation about it together, discuss what is reasonable (including his family members being given tasks to do to contribute), and IF you decide you are up for hosting, you decide when and what time and who and how much. If he EVER invites anyone for Eid without clearing it with you first, they will be eating toast or whatever the fuck your husband can cook, because you won't be there, you'll be at your mum's house.

Say it all now. Say it all next year. And be prepared to follow through with it.

I’m just very confused about the toddler. I used to feed my toddlers about 4ish and then they’d have a bit of warm milk at 6 and then bedtime at 7 at the latest. Why would they be napping so late and then waking up and then not have had dinner past the time they should be asleep for the night? I think that alone made the whole thing much more stressful!

What’s wrong with your mum taking a taxi or uber at 10:30?

What would she have done before DH started driving given he only learned to drive a couple of years ago and and no one in his family can drive which means she has always used public transportation most of her life?

Now she’s suddenly too good to take a taxi home at 10:30 and would rather her son drives back and forth and gets back home 12:30am because her life would be in danger if she took a taxi right?

I don't celebrate Eid however it sounds like you went above and beyond here.

I'm questioning if you ever stick up for yourself? You mentioned you were hungry, why couldn't you go to the dining room and say 'someone else is going to have to continue with food now, it's my time to eat'?

You must grow a backbone and delegate tasks. 'SIL, you're on starters, MIL is on desserts, we will provide curries'.

Or even braver 'No, DH. I won't be cooking this time'. If he's already invited them without your knowledge, that's on him to sort.

You must use your words, stop being walked over, stop being taken advantage of and stop being a martyr.

This is even worse!!

They're using you and they have no gratitude whatsoever.

Have read all posts now. Your SIL is an emotionally abusive twat. Tell her that she has to host too, or she’s not invited to yours.

You and your h have to woman up. What are you scared of her doing?

You’ve had great advice here. I hope you can take it on.

It is absolutely insane to cook this amount of food and spend this much time and not even be in the room to enjoy it!

if your MIL and SIL could only come for 3 hours at the end of the day, then they don’t get a massive feast, they get a snack.

You’re not a slave. And you’re bringing dd up to think that this drudgery is normal. Do better.

And discuss this with your SIL - she should be hosting too. It’s totally unfair for you to do it all.

But they don't actually want to do the same because this isn't what you do in your family.

In your family, everyone pitches in to help. They don't leave it to one person who is so busy cooking for and serving everyone else that they are excluded from the actual celebration.

Honestly, just do not do it again. If they say they want that next year, say, "Good idea, SIL it's your turn to host this time. Let me know if you need any recipes."

Or say, "OK, this time SIL is bringing the samosas, MIL you're in charge of the dessert" and so on. If anyone objects, you say, "I thought you wanted to do it the way we do it in my family. This is how we do it in my family."

If they still object, you either uninvite them, or you buy all the food in (which is still a big deal because I doubt they'd offer to pay for any of it) and if anyone turns their nose up at samosas which aren't homemade, you stand up for yourself.

You say, "MIL, SIL, ten separate homemade dishes is not something that happens by magic. It's too much work for one person to do alone. Last year I tried, it nearly killed me, three people cancelled at the last minute and none of the rest of you lifted a single finger to help. Neither DD nor I actually had any dinner. That is NOT how it happens in my family, and it is NOT how we are doing it in this family. Never again."

Taxis are just as unsafe as trains. I've been in taxis that time of night where the driver has literally been drinking a can of beer while driving or rushing to get home. Also lots of horror stories in the news re taxi drivers.

Trains difficult to rely on that time of night (I've been stranded earlier than that from the last one not turning up or terminating early).

I would say they stay over or book a hotel for anything likely to run later than 8pm, personally. That way they can still get home when it's light.

This.

The whole thing is crazy. Why on earth do an all-nighter cooking? Just scale back.

But agree you should not have taken MIL home. Your h could have. But in future, arrange this iN advance. Dh should all do his share of cooking, shopping etc.

What a performance.