I think you meant to say why didn't your husband feed his kid while he was celebrating. Seems bizarre and lazy.

Other female family members were also available if it has to be a woman's fault.

YANBU OP. Sounds like there has been a lot of pressure (some of it fearing emotional reactions from SIL) on you to do a lot here. I don’t think you were being unreasonable to want SIL and DIL to return in a taxi together so DH could look after DD and you could get a rest. You’ve had some great advice here about putting boundaries in place, talking to DH etc.

Not sure it’s been mentioned, but your DH seems very keen to cater to his mum/the family but with a negative impact on you-inviting then over last minute with the expectation of cooking. Are there other areas where DH has or might do similar? If so, I’d have some frank conversations with DH about this too.

For example, my family was quite traditional and the expectation was that my grandparents would move in with us and be cared for by my mum. I’d want to know, as DH seems very close with his mum, if that would be his expectation too. Obviously that’s fine is everyone is on board. For our family it was a disaster and there was huge resentment.

So she should have canceled on her parents Eid plans and said you come to ours instead and hosted presumably at least 10 instead of 6… why the fuck is that an answer? Her family actually celebrate Eid! His only do because they’ve seen the op do it and thought it looks like fun and let’s do that and make the op do all the work and we will get really mad if it’s not all homemade and exactly right. That sil would be banned from my house.

Why had you not fed your kid when you were celebrating?? Seems bizarre and lazy

Why did you go to your family for lunch? Why not just all celebrate together?

I hope that today has been more restful for you OP, you must be shattered! For your DH to have announced with just 3 days to spare that you'd be hosting was really thoughtless (understatement!) of him. I'm shocked at him and your ILs. I know we do our preparations for Easter (this is a bigger event to us than Christmas) much further in advance (and freeze what we can!)...and I know that my Muslim friends were preparing for Eid al Fitr much further in advance too. I'm shocked that your SIL didn't offer to assist as well!! Definitely for future, try and put in some boundaries: no hosting unless x/y/z happens, unless agreed (by you!) WAY in advance etc.

A taxi for an hour at 10.30pm is definitely not safe for a woman/women on their own!

"It would be wonderful to have MIL & DIL join us at Eid, the more the merrier. Let's sort out who is going to prepare which dishes."

I think you’re a saint Op, you definitely have a DH problem.
Could your DMil not come at a push to your family in future if invited( or allowed).
I would just enjoy the day with your family. And I wouldn’t invite SIL again.
I don’t know what is involved for Eid, but I sounds more hard work than Christmas dinner.
But also sounded delicious and are you allowed to eat the leftovers etc.
Because I won’t be cooking again for a week.

To all the PPs I gave a laughing emoji to, please

READ THE FUCKING THREAD

Thank you.

"They only stayed for 3 hours so it was go go go after they arrive"

Na, sorry, this is madness. I have an image of you flying around the kitchen Being a dramatic mess. Chill out a bit.

I'd say that this event is the one that makes you rethink in future. Time for the big girl pants. You cannot do two big social events on one day. Your child comes first now. No more dinners if transporting the mil afterwards needs to happen. Boundaries need setting and planning needs to be the priority. Also, as a mum you have to readjust your expectations and family will just need to suck it up. You don't need a massive meal, super clean house and decorations....it might be nice but not a necessity. This can be the start of the new you putting yourself and child first. Good luck. It's a cathartic turning point!

If I had £5 for every time someone used a word like 'crazy', 'insane', or 'batshit', or used the imperative telling the OP what to do for her own good, I'd be able to cater a halal iftar for her next year. The level of entitlement in commenters is staggering. No wonder women of colour have had to organise their own feminist and womanist theories and practices.

Well under normal circumstances I would expect a parent to be able to manage their own child alone for two hours so the other could take their parents home! A taxi would have a cost a fortune. But I can see why this would just be another in a long line of stresses if he has spent the whole evening letting you do everything.
In future, if he intends on taking them home you tell him he needs to pull his weight before hand so things are settled. That means DD fed, bedtime routine done together and DD in bed or at least on the way there when he leaves. And he helps with dinner. He may not be able to cook (or is weaponised incompetence) but he can set table, serve drinks, help plate up etc….

Sorry but I think you’re being so dramatic. I have my IL’s over a few times a year (Eid included!) and there’s more than 10 of them each time. Your 2 year old couldn’t sit & eat with you? My MIL is the same age and I’d never see her catch a train or taxi at that time with or without another person with her. My DH 100% would probably collect them & take them back leaving me with all 3 of the children! Cooking is not that hard for extra people if you prep well. Maybe ask them to both bring a dish next time so it eases the burden on you a little bit? And if they’re expecting a spotless home maybe remind them you’ve got a 2 year old to tackle as well as the housework. At the end of the day as a Muslim (which I’m assuming you are as you mentioned Eid) your DH’s mother has a right over him, our mothers carry Jannah at their feet so I think your DH dropping them home once or twice a year shouldn’t be this much of an issue.

@GRexim not in the least bit blinkered. I’m telling you about my daily lived experiences and merely trying to give a snapshot of what Eid might look like. I offered no views on who places expectations on who, nor what goes on behind closed doors.

The expectations were only placed by OP, her DH, her MIL and her SIL. The 2yo had no idea, and was the one who wasn't fed at all. This is their closest family. I think some of you are very blinkered if you honestly believe that every Muslim in the world conforms to whatever "rules" you've seen from one place. Those expectations are entirely cultural not religious, while in most cultures you will find behind closed doors that kind families will take into account the actual humans involved in the process. Not the family OP married into, but with just 2 added extras they are a small enough number that her DH is more than capable of resetting expectations. If he chooses to.

I think you need to drop the expectations of a perfect home that needs to be presented in a certain way when you have a 2-year-old. If you’re expected to stay in the kitchen and cook all day for guests, your DH needs to take your toddler out and not suddenly start a DIY project. It all sounds really disorganised and stressful. The driving MIL home sounds like the least of your issue - surely your toddler sleeps and you can go to bed?

I live in a Muslim country and have Muslim friends. The preparations for Eid are significantly more demanding than for Christmas dinner I can tell you that for certain. It’s an expectation that everyone wears new clothes, that the house is spotless and that the feast is plentiful and home cooked from scratch. As a teacher I can tell you that the kids stay up til all hours during the holy month of Ramadan and Eid. The idea of a set bedtime goes completely out the window. Daily life pretty much turns upside down. Currently? The streets were I live are absolutely silent , when they are chaotic, deafeningly loud and sometimes completely bewildering. This is because Eid is being celebrated in every home, and again, multiple multiple plates of food will be expected by guests, and delivered. I really feel for the OP. Whatever anyone has to say about disorganisation, martyrdom, her selfish husband etc etc …the expectations on her were huge and I think to some here very much misunderstood.

Sounds like you have a DH problem and an in-laws problem to be honest. You need to drop the rope about being concerned about people not seeing each other and decline to host every time. They sound like lazy cheeky fuckers

Confused as to why people asking about why you hadn’t a plan for how your MIL is getting home. I wouldn’t given it any thought either. She’s 67! When lm that age l most likely will still be working and will be a big girl organising my way home

Sending sympathy, we have twins a similar age as your daughter. I’m tired and burned out, consequently l will not be hosting and providing elaborate meals. A lot of my family are confused this, seeming to think having / under 2 and working full time gives you lots of time to pander to others. It doesn’t. My boundaries are high. They most likely think lm hosting Christmas this year. I'm not -it's not my turn

🙄

I mean, I would definitely be able to cook Christmas dinner for 2 guests with 4 days' notice. It's just a meal, albeit an elaborate one.

But the OP is a SAHM with one child, surely the house is very clean already, so to make it immaculate would just take a few hours?

So what? They should all be bloody ashamed of themselves for their behaviour.

On the plus side, it's a win win for the OP if they decide they don't want to come again.