Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unflip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 18 19

Original poster

To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

462 replies

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 05:45

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

OP posts:

cooldarkroom · 02/04/2025 19:06

You should have given DC something easy, toast, banana, cup of milk. & both gone to bed. You didn't have to clear it up immediately.
Next time don't do it.
"No" is a whole sentence

C152 · 02/04/2025 19:00

I'm really surprised that so many people think you are being unreasonable. There is absolutely nothing wrong with expecting two fit adult women to share a taxi (which they don't even have to pay for) home at 10:30pm.

Your DH was really selfish on this occassion. He forced you to cook and host when you'd already said you didn't want to, he failed to look after his own toddler and ensure she was fed (a pretty basic thing for a parent), he didn't clean up and then he drove his family home when there was an alternative option. You are not being unreasonable, OP.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 02/04/2025 18:58

BoldBlueZebra · 01/04/2025 05:50

There’s not a cat in hells chance I would be having my mum on public transport or a taxi at 1030 at night when I could see her home myself

This. I’d say don’t invite them in the evening if you aren’t happy for him to drive them home? If you’re tired after dinner, you just go to bed at 10.30 as presumably the child should be asleep then anyway? I don’t understand people who can’t cope without a spouse or partner for a couple of hours - especially not in this situation where child should be in bed by that point anyway.

ItisIbeserk · 02/04/2025 18:56

Seriously, why are people not reading the thread before posting, or at least the OP’s posts?

Arlanymor · 02/04/2025 18:54

Disorganised evening all around really - nothing wrong with dropping people home if it is agreed in advance, nothing wrong with hosting people if chores are designated at the start. Sounds like this was a bit of a free for all? Next time just set out the basics early on and then the two year old gets fed properly at the right time, and there's no resentment over travel plans. Is it because it was Eid?

TellySavalashairbrush · 02/04/2025 18:54

Yabu. Making a mountain out of a molehill.

MrsCastle · 02/04/2025 18:49

So what did you say when he asked if it was alright to drop them home?

Sennelier1 · 02/04/2025 18:46

We have been in a similar situation with my IL.

I've always hosted Christmas Eve for them and our two children and their partners. One such an evening my MIL calls and claims that because of the snow FIL is afraid to drive and anyway, he wants to have a few drinks. She wanted their son - my husband - to pick them up. It's about 45 min. each way, plus of course the delays they always created.
First of all, I usually spend 2 days in the kitchen for such occasions, always do a really beautiful table and very good food, I needed my DH to help me. And also : no way I was sending my DH to drive that road 4 times and not allowed to have any drinks on a christmas-eve-dinner in his own home! DH and I agreed to have them picked up by a taxi, found and instructed a driver where IL live to come and get them later too, agreed on a price ánd gave him that ourselves cash in hand. At first IL were angry about it, telling DH that they, his parents, should have priority over his wife. He answered they had a choice : be shuttled by a professional taxidriver, or stay at home.
We have done it that exact way for several years, also after FIl died.
MIL became friendly with the taxidriver and called him every time she needed a ride.

asrl78 · 02/04/2025 18:41

RiversofOtter5 · 02/04/2025 10:08

Watching with interest how everyone is critical of children eating late. Wondering how many holiday in the Mediterranean where children eat late, or have praise for Scandinavia and Finland where children are up super late in the white nights of summer. Maybe if UK children were better integrated with adult diet and meal times we wouldn't have so many drink and diet related health problems in the population later?

Edited

The UK is not the Mediterranean or Scandinavia, what is the norm in those countries has little to do with anything. People living in different climate zones will likely do some things differently to people in the UK, they have adapted their lives around their climate and culture just as we have.

croydon15 · 02/04/2025 18:30

You are totally unreasonable not to have noticed that your DD has not been fed and was still up at 10.30 pm, whatever the occasion there is no excuse. You and your DH are obviously disorganised, you need to prioritise what you can do when inviting people and not try to do so much that you are neglecting your DD.

restingbitchface30 · 02/04/2025 18:29

You mention Eid and English not being her first language which to me suggests your partner and his mother is Asian? My fiancée is Indian, so similar culture. Asian mothers tend to lean on their children a lot. A lot more than I realised. She would never get a taxi or any form of public transport, her children take her everywhere. That is very normal. I don’t have a good relationship with my MIL at all but I totally understand her children wanting to get her home safe. However if I have misinterpreted I still don’t think it’s unreasonable to give your mum a lift home. IMO child should have been fed and put to bed way earlier anyways.

CatsnCoffee · 02/04/2025 18:16

Some people on here are being very judgemental. For some it might sound a breeze to prepare a home-cooked meal and manage a clingy, 2 year old, but for others (me included), I would find it very stressful, especially since DH couldn’t be relied upon to feed DD nor to do any of the cooking.
If the clearing up had been left til the next morning, would DH even have been there to do it/help?
I do think he’s got off very lightly. They are his mother and sister.
Btw, why couldn’t SIL have accompanied MIL in the taxi?

thepariscrimefiles · 02/04/2025 15:42

CosyLemur · 01/04/2025 21:05

A taxi for an hour at 10.30pm is definitely not safe for a woman/women on their own!

Show quote history

She's not on her own. Her adult daughter is with her.

ShhhItsJustMagic · 02/04/2025 15:10

gollyimholly · 02/04/2025 15:06

Lunch was at my grandma's. She is quite elderly and essentially housebound. All her children and grandchildren go to hers for lunch typically. We all take various dishes with us (an effort of probably a group of 12 different people - that's men and women). So I couldn't have just hosted them at mine either because it is important to have celebrated with my grandmother.

DH is very sensitive about the whole thing right now so I don't know how constructive it will be to set the boundaries right now. As I mentioned in a previous post, he is very conscious of how minimal his family are involved in our lives) despite mine and his best efforts. OTOH mine are very involved (in a helpful way too, which DH is always grateful for) and I think on special occasions DH just would love for them to be involved and this is how he has managed to make it happen so far.

So far it sounds like his family getting 'more involved' means you doing 100% of the work.

That's really not on.

Original poster

gollyimholly · 02/04/2025 15:06

OP posts:

Original poster

gollyimholly · 02/04/2025 15:00

CosyLemur · 02/04/2025 12:34

Her DH family also celebrate Eid! That's no where that's it's indicated that his family don't celebrate Eid. In fact it's indicated that it's actually the other way around and it's her family that don't celebrate Eid.
Either way she's said that if she hosted her family then they'd have helped so presumably she helped her family anyway when she visited there. So it wouldn't have been much if in fact any extra work!

Show quote history

No my family celebrate Eid in a big way. Usually SIL doesn't even have the day off work for Eid as Eid seemed like such a non-event for my ILs in the past.

However, Eid has also been really enjoyable for my family always. It's a great big communal event where literally we're all cooking together. It has always been tradition for my family to go to the mosque together on Eid morning and have a big breakfast at my mum's (I'm not talking a full English - it's parathas, korma, home made dessert-y things).

Most of this food cannot be outsourced. Lots of the older family members (including my own DF and MIL) dislike pre-made samosas etc. However if I had known literally weeks in advance, I could have got some of it catered but at such short notice it can't be done. Also, as the meat has to be halal, so much of the prep needs to be done at home. We cannot just use meat/chicken stock from the shops as someone else said. We can't buy a lot of meat or chicken half prepped because it just doesn't exist in Tescos. Most of it is scratch cooking.

OP posts:

merfil · 02/04/2025 13:50

CosyLemur · 01/04/2025 21:23

Why did you go to your family for lunch? Why not just all celebrate together?

Show quote history

What a ridiculous suggestion. Presumably the OP has siblings + partners + children celebrating with her parents. Should they all go to hers to hang out with her in-laws?

Codlingmoths · 02/04/2025 12:38

CosyLemur · 02/04/2025 12:34

Show quote history

This is what the op says: ‘It sounds like they barely celebrated Eid before I met him. But they've seen DH come to my family's things and how they do it and want the same.’

CosyLemur · 02/04/2025 12:34

Codlingmoths · 01/04/2025 21:59

So she should have canceled on her parents Eid plans and said you come to ours instead and hosted presumably at least 10 instead of 6… why the fuck is that an answer? Her family actually celebrate Eid! His only do because they’ve seen the op do it and thought it looks like fun and let’s do that and make the op do all the work and we will get really mad if it’s not all homemade and exactly right. That sil would be banned from my house.

Show quote history

pikkumyy77 · 02/04/2025 12:08

Can people RTFT and also stop trying to one up the poor OP? It was an impossible situation. She handled it with grace and she is asking for a culturally sensitive solution. Its a problem of mismatched power over a tiny family unit (hers) and high cultural expectations for a beloved, complicated, holiday tradition. She can’t fix it by 1) scanting the holiday, 2) insulting her in laws, 3) fighting with her husband.

I suggest consulting with a sympathetic authority figure who can counsel the DH and them he can deal with MIL. The solution—whatever it is—must be culturally sensitive and kindly so no one’s pride gets hurt or feels like they have lost face (except SIL!).

Good luck, OP!

Pandimoanymum · 02/04/2025 11:38

KaToby · 02/04/2025 10:28

This is what I was going to say.
You’re a SAHM to one child yet your house is so filthy it takes all night to clean it?

I don’t want to make it a competition but I was a single mum for 3 years with 3 children (2 under 5) I worked and my house was generally always in a state where I would be ready for visitors with an hours notice! You had from Wednesday and you don’t work so I’m really struggling to see the problem.
Do you and your DH not communicate about feeding your DD? Getting her to bed on time?

Show quote history

I don’t want to make it a competition, BUT…. 🙄

Maddy70 · 02/04/2025 11:30

RiversofOtter5 · 02/04/2025 08:18

Untrue if you are making traditional South Asian celebration food. It's complex.

Shop bought samosas are not comparable. Also shop food is not ritually pure unless from certified specialist outlets

I don't know but the OP may have needed a trusted supplier for a religious occasion anyway.

Show quote history

She said she had found a trusted supplier it's like any celebration for example Christmas day. I could have made Jamie's gravy by boiling the 300 chicken wings over several days or I could use bisto

Pandimoanymum · 02/04/2025 11:14

I do have sympathy for you OP, as there’s clearly some cultural differences at play here. It wasn’t just a casual mum-in-law and sister calling round for a couple of hours for a chat. But I think in future if you feel you can’t host what seems to be quite an elaborate occasion, you’re going to have to be firmer with your DH or whoever is continuing to expect you to do it, even if you have said no.

ChubbyMorticia · 02/04/2025 11:02

Here’s the thing: their expectations aren’t your obligations.

Say no.

If they want more elaborate celebrations, then they have to participate in making that happen. Until then, you’re not hosting.

candycane222 · 02/04/2025 10:56

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 11:53

They want to do the same. They feel sad that they can't do the same with DH. And DH wants the same too.

As an aside, I too am fine to do it but on my terms - plan it ahead so that I can be properly organised and not shattered. I want to give DD a nice experience for Eid and planned a lot for her to have a good time. However, for me, that looks like Eid on rotation between the adults in the family. I think it's a fair, shared way to do it.

Edit: I've told DH this is what I would like to do going forwards but he thinks it will be more like this: we go to MIL's, DD won't like it though (he suspects this because there isn't enough room to play. IMO, DD won't like it because MIL actually doesn't stay in that much contact with DD anyway but that's another issue altogether) OR everyone comes to ours. He doesn't think SIL will do anything ever.

Edited

Show quote history

Good!!!!

Unflip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 18 19

Swipe left for the next trending thread