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Original poster

To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

462 replies

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 05:45

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

OP posts:
InvestingMimi · 03/04/2025 06:53

FortyElephants · 01/04/2025 06:09

This makes no sense. I assumed it was a whole day hosting for lots of people. You had 2 people over to dinner at 7.30, you spent the entire time in the kitchen? You cleaned and cooked all night the night before (why?? Why not during the day before 7.30?) and you didn't give your toddler dinner before 7.30? And put her to bed at some point? What nonsense is all of this? This isn't how you host. This isn't how you do anything!

Agreed

KaToby · 03/04/2025 06:42

gollyimholly · 02/04/2025 22:27

DD has only just turned 2 - I appreciate some people do BLW and their DCs are more independent but I think it is fine if DD needs an adult to feed her to ensure proper feeding.

I can't get a lot done with DD. If I said I can't get anything done with DD it was an exaggeration/said out of exasperation. There are some things I can do with DD quite easily: tidying up, changing sheets etc. Cooking is one I find tough with DD - she is curious and wants to get involved and I find it too stressful to keep an eye on her and make sure she isn't trying to open a hot oven door etc. In general I prefer to cook when DD is napping or when she is with DH. I have a lot of respect and admiration for single parents and those whose partners work away a lot. If I found myself in that position I think I would cook very differently - things that can be left to cook in the oven for example or far more low effort meals.

Show quote history

Even if you don’t do BLW (which is absolutely fine) by 2 a child should be able to feed themselves independently.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 03/04/2025 06:17

I think all the people saying, "It doesn't take three days to do X, Y and Z" are not reading the thread properly.

  1. It was Eid.
  2. Her husband's family were expecting a very specific meal involving ten different dishes which had to be cooked from scratch.
  3. The OP had to go to various different shops to get halal meat and specialist ingredients, not all of which were available locally.
  4. The OP was cooking a feast for 7 people, 3 of whom cancelled at the last minute.
  5. The OP only had three days' notice that she was expected to do this.
  6. The OP would never usually be expected to do all this on her own, because in her family everyone pitches in to help. But her husband's family were demanding the same kind of Eid meal that her family has, only without lifting a finger to help.
  7. If it wasn't perfect, certain family members would have turned their noses up at it or had a strop. (The OP knows this from past experience.)

It's clear that she needs to get much better at saying, "No. I'm not doing it." And she needs to make her husband understand that he can't just invite his family for Eid, knowing what their expectations are and the fact that he isn't capable of delivering any of it himself. He might feel sad that his family can't have the sort of celebrations her family do, but it's entirely unreasonable to volunteer his wife for that amount of work without consulting her.

But it's not actually all that difficult to understand why it was so much work and why she didn't have time to feed her daughter or sit down and eat herself, if you read the thread properly.

Her husband giving his mother and sister a lift home was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

YourPurpleGal · 02/04/2025 23:06

You are going to have to put your foot down!
While it is kind of your husband to take his mother and father home, it is fine for you to see to DD then just go to bed.
If DH wants to help with clean up the next morning, let him. If not and you have to clean up the next day, get to it! Make sure you and your toddler take a nap together after that.
Discuss any upcoming occasions with DH. Ask if he will help you while you prepare. Do as much preparation as you can in the days leading up to the next occasions. Feel free to express your needs to your DH. He must support you or you can explain that these events are too much for you and you won't host the next few.

scotstars · 02/04/2025 22:36

I can appreciate you wanted to put a lot of work in to make this a special meal but I think you are being a bit dramatic. It doesn't take days to buy gifts and visit 3 shops. Your DH did not need to stay up all night to hang some fairy lights and clean the house.
It sounds like you need to learn to multitask the cooking should be done around your child and if that meant letting them watch a bit of tv while you prepared for a 1 off meal that's what needed to happen.
The driving wouldn't bother me in terms of being left alone with toddler as if there was that much to clear up after being in the kitchen all night it would be left to next day. It would bother me him driving in the dark if he's an inexperienced driver who was running on zero sleep

Original poster
gollyimholly · 02/04/2025 22:27

KaToby · 02/04/2025 22:04

I have now read the full thread and don’t understand a couple of things:

I appreciate that there was a lot of prep involved, however to say you can get nothing done you a toddler is ridiculous, how do you think single parents or people who have OHs who work away cope? You don’t have to give your child your undivided attention 100% of the time.

On a similar note, why does a 2 year old need feeding? Put them in the high chair and let them get on with it surely?

DD has only just turned 2 - I appreciate some people do BLW and their DCs are more independent but I think it is fine if DD needs an adult to feed her to ensure proper feeding.

I can't get a lot done with DD. If I said I can't get anything done with DD it was an exaggeration/said out of exasperation. There are some things I can do with DD quite easily: tidying up, changing sheets etc. Cooking is one I find tough with DD - she is curious and wants to get involved and I find it too stressful to keep an eye on her and make sure she isn't trying to open a hot oven door etc. In general I prefer to cook when DD is napping or when she is with DH. I have a lot of respect and admiration for single parents and those whose partners work away a lot. If I found myself in that position I think I would cook very differently - things that can be left to cook in the oven for example or far more low effort meals.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 02/04/2025 22:18

Op I hope your husband appreciates everything you did because that is a lot of effort.

I'd wait a few weeks and really mull over what needs to change so that you aren't under as much stress next time. Then have a discussion with him saying you want to come up with solutions together. It might be a couple of discussions, one where you put forward your ideas and then a day later when he has had time to think about it.

Personally I would be really rigid about the time of day that you host. Finishing so late at night is tough. I would have a lunch time event instead. If your in laws have a habit of turning up late then tell them a time 2 hours earlier than you really want them.

I'd also expect MIL and SIL to contribute. If your Dh enjoys your family events so much and wants a similar feel, then remind him that this is how it works in your family - everyone contributes.

andweallsingalong · 02/04/2025 22:17

I think as a one off I would have fed DD then sent her off in the car with DH. You could then have had an early night and he could have carried a sleepy DD to bed when they got home.

KaToby · 02/04/2025 22:04

I have now read the full thread and don’t understand a couple of things:

I appreciate that there was a lot of prep involved, however to say you can get nothing done you a toddler is ridiculous, how do you think single parents or people who have OHs who work away cope? You don’t have to give your child your undivided attention 100% of the time.

On a similar note, why does a 2 year old need feeding? Put them in the high chair and let them get on with it surely?

Cornishclio · 02/04/2025 22:02

The drive home seems to be the least of your worries. Three days preparing to host. Staying up until 4am, fasting yourself, doing one celebration with your family then another with his. I would knock this on the head and your DH will need to accept if his family put in no effort then you are not the one to instigate all these elaborate events. You have a toddler so samosas don’t need to be hand made. Don’t invite SIL if she is tricky. Just pop over to see Mil on another day.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 02/04/2025 21:58

an all-nighter means not going to bed. Are you seriously up all night cooking? Why? It’s not necessary. Why is your 2 year old awake and unfed at 10.30pm, while you are still cooking for what sounds like only 5 people? I don’t understand your priorities at all?

laraitopbanana · 02/04/2025 21:51

That seems to be a bit much yes. Especially as DH was already tired. I suspect as they don’t drive, they don’t know!

For their safety, and DH’s if he isn’t used of long journey being tired that they organise a taxi next time. I assume that being late, he didn’t want to leave them so maybe make sure it is a break/lunch next time so they leave by 7pm. DH might feel less inclined to drive them.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 02/04/2025 21:47

IMBananas666 · 02/04/2025 21:43

Holidays are tiring and a lot of extra work. And, they're not every day. I'm sure it's annoying that your MIL wants an escort home. Just like it was annoying for me to care for two children when my husband had to go out of town for work. Tiring, annoying, a bit unfair, and...thankfully, not every day. And your MIL won't be around forever. And your children won't be young forever. Mine are adults now and my life and time is much easier and freer. I'd just treat this as part and parcel of being married to this man and being a part of this family. Hopefully your husband is more engaged and hands on during other parts of the week and year.

Edited

Thank you. He is usually a good egg. Perhaps not the most proactive or swift but he will generally follow instructions well. He, understandably, is stuck (in the sense they won't put any effort in for him) when it comes to his family so I do get it (if I'm being generous hehe).

OP posts:
IMBananas666 · 02/04/2025 21:43

Holidays are tiring and a lot of extra work. And, they're not every day. I'm sure it's annoying that your MIL wants an escort home. Just like it was annoying for me to care for two children when my husband had to go out of town for work. Tiring, annoying, a bit unfair, and...thankfully, not every day. And your MIL won't be around forever. And your children won't be young forever. Mine are adults now and my life and time is much easier and freer. I'd just treat this as part and parcel of being married to this man and being a part of this family. Hopefully your husband is more engaged and hands on during other parts of the week and year.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 02/04/2025 21:37

Thank you to lots of PPs for trying to understand the cultural connotations. Apologies for not including it in my OP and all the confusion that has ensued. I appreciate lots of the good advice given on here. I am going to let things simmer down a bit as both DH and I have already had a bit of a tense chat/fall out about it since and I think I need to be less emotional before talking about it again and also for DH to feel less sensitive about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
gollyimholly · 02/04/2025 21:34

ezi91 · 02/04/2025 21:22

OP I get you. My in-laws are Afghan.
I understand everything the prep the disorganisation. Kids routine being off
I sympathise

But
We don't let our elders get taxis late at night? Come on, it's not a done thing. I wouldn't get upset about that!

You are right but I think where DH only learned to drive two years ago, it was the norm that they get taxis up until then. So I didn't think it would have been so bad given it was something they've done for about 40 years anyway. SIL and MIL don't drive and nor did late FIL.

OP posts:
Original poster
gollyimholly · 02/04/2025 21:31

Dogsbreath7 · 02/04/2025 20:35

Do you have more than one kitchen? If not then you would have known your child was hungry. This is as much on you as your DP.

if you can’t cope or don’t want to do it don’t. I can’t be bothered with hosting. But what a lot of effort for a 3 hr visit. Clean up can wait till next day.

The real issue is both parents neglected their child for the ‘hosting’

Show quote history

I have the one kitchen. I had left her food on the dinner table before I needed to go into the kitchen. I had assumed DH would have taken over. He didn't and I didn't realise until much later what had happend.

OP posts:
ezi91 · 02/04/2025 21:22

OP I get you. My in-laws are Afghan.
I understand everything the prep the disorganisation. Kids routine being off
I sympathise

But
We don't let our elders get taxis late at night? Come on, it's not a done thing. I wouldn't get upset about that!

DeedsNotDiddums · 02/04/2025 21:17

I'd have sent DD with them to sleep in the car seat.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/04/2025 20:47

BananaSpanner · 01/04/2025 06:52

I think a lot of people are accidentally or deliberately not understanding the significance of the meal and the effort that would have been involved.
Im no expert but to put it into a Western context, and it maybe a bad example so I apologise, but its the equivalent of being told your hosting Christmas with a couple of days notice and all the food and effort that goes with that.

Your DH needs to stop volunteering for you these things or ask his mum and sister to help with watching the 2 year old whilst he assists you in the kitchen. Does SIL do anything to help?? If your MIL is kind and has caring duties for an elderly relative usually then I think it’s nice for her to be spoiled and looked after for the evening but SIL can definitely step up to help. She should have been responsible for getting MIL home both in time and cost.

well said.
And also, OP had already accepted to attend her own family celebration earlier in the day, and she couldn't just cancel that at short notice.. which meant that OP had to rush home and get ready to host her MIL and SIL straight after.
If it was chaotic, it was the DH deciding that it was no big deal and going ahead anyway.
It's like thinking you don't have to host Christmas because you are going to your DM's and then finding out shortly before hand that you now have to plan, rush out to specialist shops, cook a series of elaborate traditional dishes, tidy, and present it all after you've already been out all day.
It took me a while when we first married to get used to cooking for relatives, I hadn't had experience of that before and I can remember the first Christmas hosting with my toddler who was shy, riding a little trike round and round my feet as I tried to get everything ready to serve.

OP you've got to put your foot down with DH. Mine also had a habit of inviting people to dinner at very short notice (four hours) with two under four and I had to explain to him why it was unworkable.
You are not a restaurant. You need time to get ready for guests and you cannot be in two places at once.

The good thing OP is that you've said your MIL is a lovely person and you get on well and that your DH does help out with the cleaning etc... Just chalk this one up to inexperience on both your parts. Tell DH he has a new motto to learn.

"NO INVITATIONS WITHOUT CONSULTATION."

Dogsbreath7 · 02/04/2025 20:35

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 06:01

This is the worst bit for me. I assumed DH would have done it. I was in the kitchen for most of it. They only stayed for 3 hours so it was go go go after they arrived. If I had known DH didn't, I would have paused everything and given DD dinner.

Show quote history

Do you have more than one kitchen? If not then you would have known your child was hungry. This is as much on you as your DP.

if you can’t cope or don’t want to do it don’t. I can’t be bothered with hosting. But what a lot of effort for a 3 hr visit. Clean up can wait till next day.

The real issue is both parents neglected their child for the ‘hosting’

Kirstk · 02/04/2025 20:18

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/04/2025 05:58

Sorry. Why had no one fed the 2yo?!

THIS!!! Should have been fed first!!!

Jom222 · 02/04/2025 19:45

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 06:40

DH extended the invitation without speaking to me and they had accepted. I told him not to do that again. I didn't feel it would be polite to retract the invitation afterwards so I felt like I had to stick it out. DH didn't think it was such a big deal but that's because he doesn't do the cooking

Show quote history

then next year HE does all the cooking. All of it, planning the meal, shopping for ingredients, then 100% of the cooking.

I predict he'll see the light quickly

Hedgiesmom · 02/04/2025 19:21

Don't stress about it as it already happened. Considering the time. It's just to make sure his mom is safe and all.
However when it comes to hosting, next time you might have to put your foot down as its too much for you having a little one an all. You just have to talk to your husband about how you feel about the whole situation, I'm sure he is a reasonable person and he will understand where you are coming from. ❤️

dangalf · 02/04/2025 19:09

I can understand why you would have preferred that. I can also understand why your DH may have preferred to drive them. I think no one is being unreasonable here. You're both hard at it and tired so give yourselves a break and it's not something worth falling out over imo.

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