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Original poster

To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

462 replies

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 05:45

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

OP posts:
ScrewedByFunding · 01/04/2025 06:26

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 06:12

I can't give my IL's English food.
They eat a very specific menu on special occasions and it does take me ages. There is no quick way to do it.
Canapes, starters, biryani, rice, curry etc and dessert.
If it was just a regular dinner it would be far less stressful, but I cooked literally 10 different things.

DD was napping until 7pm and usually not in the mood to eat for a while after she wakes up @FortyElephants

Utterly chaotic and really only yourself to blame. Napping until 7.30??? Why? And neglectful not to feed her dinner until post 10.30 when you've got all that food around. Was she just watching you eat? Smelling it almost and not allowed to join in?

Madness. And yes very disorganised. How filthy is your house that it's an all nighter to clean it!

Longma · 01/04/2025 06:22

BoldBlueZebra · 01/04/2025 05:50

There’s not a cat in hells chance I would be having my mum on public transport or a taxi at 1030 at night when I could see her home myself

What would be wrong with a taxi?
Especially one you’ve paid for so it’s not costing her anything.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 06:22

I am talking about cooking Indian food. I feel like that was an important detail I skipped in my OP. It takes ages to make just samosas. I am not disorganised - I don't usually have ingredients to make Indian food. We usually eat western food in general. I had to go to specialist butchers etc in preparation, it really wasn't just a standard thing.

OP posts:
LilacPony · 01/04/2025 06:21

I wouldn’t have any family member or friend, no matter their age, getting public transport at 1030pm, when I could drive them.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 06:19

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 01/04/2025 06:17

It all sounds a bit chaotic and dramatic. You pulled an all nighter cooking the night before, and then spent most of the night in the kitchen? No-one thought to feed your DD - where was she when you were eating, and if you were in the kitchen most of the night didn’t you notice that DH wasn’t preparing food for her? Why no discussion/expectation before 10.30 that he would be taking her home given the usual scenario.

Was it a very elaborate dinner? I just can’t envisage so much effort, particularly the all nighters, when you both had three days to get sorted.

Whether someone your MIL’e age should be capable and confident to get herself on is one thing, but ultimately you know she’s not, so it was an outcome that should have been anticipated and planned you.

TBH, if I was that tired, I would have fed DD something quick and easy, gone to bed and have dealt with the cleanup on Sunday.

I did feed DD something quick and easy.

I didn't eat during the 3 hours and it was an elaborate meal. And it was a lot of to'ing and fro'ing - there were canapes, starters, many many curries and desserts.

OP posts:
Proudestmumofone1 · 01/04/2025 06:17

This is the most bizarre post.
YOU need to take responsibility for your daughter not eating by 10.30pm! That is insane, even with a late nap.

How can it be so hard to have TWO people over? So hard that you neglect to feed your child and put them to bed?!!!

Coali · 01/04/2025 06:17

Canapés are fine for a 2yr old, she probably had enough to constitute a dinner. Wouldn’t have it been easier to feed her at her usual hour (something quick like pasta), and then put her to bed at 1930?

Why were you both trying to do DIY the night before, surely a quick hoover and wipe of the surfaces would have been fine? I can’t understand how it took so long to cook for four adults? I don’t take that long making a holiday feast for 10!! How does it take all night, then all day, then another 3hrs when they are there to cook for four people?!!

Were you all not eating together around the table?

I think your husband taking his family home is a bit of a red herring, you both don’t sound very organised and have no sense of prioritisation.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 01/04/2025 06:17

It all sounds a bit chaotic and dramatic. You pulled an all nighter cooking the night before, and then spent most of the night in the kitchen? No-one thought to feed your DD - where was she when you were eating, and if you were in the kitchen most of the night didn’t you notice that DH wasn’t preparing food for her? Why no discussion/expectation before 10.30 that he would be taking her home given the usual scenario.

Was it a very elaborate dinner? I just can’t envisage so much effort, particularly the all nighters, when you both had three days to get sorted.

Whether someone your MIL’e age should be capable and confident to get herself on is one thing, but ultimately you know she’s not, so it was an outcome that should have been anticipated and planned you.

TBH, if I was that tired, I would have fed DD something quick and easy, gone to bed and have dealt with the cleanup on Sunday.

Sofiewoo · 01/04/2025 06:16

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 06:01

This is the worst bit for me. I assumed DH would have done it. I was in the kitchen for most of it. They only stayed for 3 hours so it was go go go after they arrived. If I had known DH didn't, I would have paused everything and given DD dinner.

Show quote history

No you can’t just blame DH for your 2 year old not having dinner.
If you had an all nighter to cook why were you in the kitchen during the entire time everyone else was eating?

TidyDancer · 01/04/2025 06:16

I wouldn’t have expected my DM to have to get a taxi home if I could take her. He did the right thing.

You sound like you live a strangely chaotic life in general if between you you can’t remember to feed a toddler until very late in the evening and two extra dinner guests creates so much work it needs hours of clearing up.

I would take a look at how you can get yourself into a better routine on an every day basis.

Sofiewoo · 01/04/2025 06:12

This whole thing is mental. Wednesday to Sunday is too last minute for a dinner with 2 extra people?
An “all nighter” cleaning cooking and decorating?
You and DH not noticing non of you had fed your 2 year old?

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me
You aren’t being left with a newborn, you’re blowing this way out of proportion. You should be able to be “left” with your own 2 year old for a short period of time while your DH gives a lift.
The lift is literally the least of your worries.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 06:12

I can't give my IL's English food.
They eat a very specific menu on special occasions and it does take me ages. There is no quick way to do it.
Canapes, starters, biryani, rice, curry etc and dessert.
If it was just a regular dinner it would be far less stressful, but I cooked literally 10 different things.

DD was napping until 7pm and usually not in the mood to eat for a while after she wakes up @FortyElephants

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 01/04/2025 06:11

BoldBlueZebra · 01/04/2025 05:50

There’s not a cat in hells chance I would be having my mum on public transport or a taxi at 1030 at night when I could see her home myself

Exactly. He was right to take her home. Surely you could have quickly fed your child and put her to bed, quick clean whilst she eats. I don’t understand these posts where people can’t cope without their partner for a couple of hours. I’d have fed my child and gone to bed. Mess will still be there in the morning.

FortyElephants · 01/04/2025 06:09

This makes no sense. I assumed it was a whole day hosting for lots of people. You had 2 people over to dinner at 7.30, you spent the entire time in the kitchen? You cleaned and cooked all night the night before (why?? Why not during the day before 7.30?) and you didn't give your toddler dinner before 7.30? And put her to bed at some point? What nonsense is all of this? This isn't how you host. This isn't how you do anything!

jellyfishperiwinkle · 01/04/2025 06:08

Why are they going home at 10.30pm? They come for lunch and get the bus home at 6pm. And DD being fed would happen when we ate.

LinkinSin · 01/04/2025 06:08

Sorry OP, it feels like there’s some martyring going on here! How many people were you hosting? Unless we’re talking about a state banquet for 25, it’s hard to see how planning for that with a 2yo could be so arduous (and if it was, could you not have simplified the menu?) he then did ask if you were ok with him taking his Mum home - you could have said no if you really weren’t up to it. For me, taking an older relative home would just be an extension of good hosting and both me and DH have done similar.

It sounds like he pulled his weight in other ways and this was just a busy weekend - next time don’t offer to host if you enjoy it so little and it takes so much out of you.

DeskJotter · 01/04/2025 06:07

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 01/04/2025 05:58

I think that yabu on this one, but in general you are not unreasonable at all

Something needs to change re constantly hosting at the last minute. And maybe there are issues between you and mil in general

Dh driving her home seems fine to me but he needs to step up when it comes to his family x

But it wasn't last minute, it was 2 dinner guests at 3-4 days' notice. Not really sure what the problem was.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 06:07

SparklyGlitterballs · 01/04/2025 06:00

Assume MIL and SIL would have been travelling back together so both could have been in a taxi together? That would have been my preference.

Pretty awful that you were all eating and celebrating and not one person made sure a 2 year old had had dinner by 10:30pm.

Yes, MIL and SIL would be travelling together.

Yes I agree it is awful DD didn't have her dinner on time. She did eat other food (like the canapes) so she wasn't starving but it wasn't a proper meal until after ILs had left.

OP posts:
FreakingOutRightNow123 · 01/04/2025 06:06

It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner

They only stayed for 3 hours

So they only got there at 7:30pm, why hadn’t your DD eaten before then?

Original poster
gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 06:05

WorldMap24 · 01/04/2025 05:59

Yabu. Why didn't your 2 yo eat with everyone else? If she hadn't eaten at 10.30pm, when was the last time she ate anything?? Staying up all night the night before to cook and clean is madness, why couldn't you do it the morning before she arrived? In regards to the taxi, surely transport for a 67yo woman travelling late at night should have been arranged in advance, and no I would not put my mum in a taxi for an hours trip as it would cost her a ridiculous amount of money.

We always pay for her taxi..

We had to visit my family for lunch as it was Eid and so we weren't home in the day.

DD's routine was quite disrupted and she napped from 5pm-7pm. She'd had a proper lunch and lots of food right up until her nap. She is generally a good eater.

OP posts:
DeskJotter · 01/04/2025 06:04

Hosting dinner with a 2 year old should not really cause this much stress and drama, OP. Why did it take you days plus an all-nighter to prepare? I'm not really understanding what you found so difficult about cooking for 4 people, most families do this every day. Similarly, you seem to really struggle with minding your DD. Of course you can be on your own with DD for 2 hours while your husband drops his mum and sis back.

Having two people over for dinner should really not involve this much stress and drama. Why was your DD still awake and unfed at 10.30pm? I really don't understand how younand your DH couldn't cope with having two family members over for a meal, to this extent.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 06:02

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 01/04/2025 05:58

I think that yabu on this one, but in general you are not unreasonable at all

Something needs to change re constantly hosting at the last minute. And maybe there are issues between you and mil in general

Dh driving her home seems fine to me but he needs to step up when it comes to his family x

No issues between MIL and I. She is a lovely, kind lady.

OP posts:
mamajong · 01/04/2025 06:02

Personally, I'd want to drive our parents home in that scenario. Yanbu in expecting one of them to have fed DD while you were cooking but yabu to insist MIL gets a taxi because you don't want to look after 1 child on your own for a couple hours. Surely the clearing up could have waited until the following day? Just feed DD and get yourselves to bed

WonderingWanda · 01/04/2025 06:01

I'm going to be honest, you sound quite disorganised and inefficient. Why wasn't your 2 year old fed some dinner and put to bed much earlier on in the evening so you could concentrate on hosting. How filthy was your house that you needed to stay up all night to clean it? How much food were you cooking that you couldn't leave the kitchen and sit down? Why weren't you getting everyone else into the kitchen to help you out if it's such a big job? Why didn't you leave the clearing up after for your dh to do?

Original poster
gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 06:01

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/04/2025 05:58

Sorry. Why had no one fed the 2yo?!

This is the worst bit for me. I assumed DH would have done it. I was in the kitchen for most of it. They only stayed for 3 hours so it was go go go after they arrived. If I had known DH didn't, I would have paused everything and given DD dinner.

OP posts:
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