Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

462 replies

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 05:45

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

OP posts:
GreenSkyes · 01/04/2025 07:13

Firstly how did no one feed your child? This is really concerning no one realised. Did they not make a fuss when you all ate? Surely they'd normally be eating before 7.30 anyway?
For me, it's not an issue them being drove home.
If the house is a mess. I'd have just gone to bed and sorted it tomorrow if I was exhausted. If DH wasn't happy, he can sort it when he gets in.

ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 01/04/2025 07:13

Sofiewoo · 01/04/2025 06:12

This whole thing is mental. Wednesday to Sunday is too last minute for a dinner with 2 extra people?
An “all nighter” cleaning cooking and decorating?
You and DH not noticing non of you had fed your 2 year old?

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me
You aren’t being left with a newborn, you’re blowing this way out of proportion. You should be able to be “left” with your own 2 year old for a short period of time while your DH gives a lift.
The lift is literally the least of your worries.

This is everything I wanted to say. Your Op reads like the queen and courtiers were coming over for a months stay. Not one meal for 3 hours. How do you have to prepare for most of the week, still pull an all nighter and forget to feed a child?

Ohioatdawn · 01/04/2025 07:12

DenholmElliot11 · 01/04/2025 05:58

You're making a big performance about essentially chucking a bit of grub around for 2 extra adults. I've never heard the likes of it.

I have to say I've never heard the likes of it either.
I've tried to be sympathetic as I've read the OP.
But essentially, she has 1 toddler to look after.
That's it.
I can't work out why that means cooking, tidying and decorating (decorating?!?) all night long the night before 2 family members come round for dinner. Or why it means the DH can't drive his DM home. Or why it means the toddler was still up and still hadn't been given dinner by 10:30pm.
I mean, just chuck a casserole in a pot, bung it in the oven for dinner, tell the 2 family members your house is a bit of a mess at the moment but that they need to just take you as they find you, feed your toddler dinner at the same time as the rest of you are eating dinner, and put your toddler to bed whilst DH drives his mum home.
This is such a normal situation.

TwentyTwentyFive · 01/04/2025 07:11

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 07:09

I didn't have time to eat. I initially sat at the table with a plate for DD to feed her and then myself - how things would happen ordinarily. But had to move on back to the kitchen to organise the next lot of food. I didn't have a lot of time as when MIL and SIL arrived, they said they weren't going to stay for long.

Of course you had time to eat. You martyred yourself and pretending otherwise is silly.

The food had been cooking for days, literally. How could it possibly not all be ready by the time you came to eat.

bigvig · 01/04/2025 07:11

Your ILs are lazy to not offer any help. However you should scale back these kind of events. If your DH organises something like this again simply state - that's fine but it will have to be a takeaway or a simple meal. What's wrong wirh saying that?

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 01/04/2025 07:10

There are so many issues with you having to pull an all nighter to prepare the meal- I know it had to be made especially, but there are better ways to prepare. Also why is it all falling on you? And why does it take a full night? I get that it's Eid, I get that it's specific food. I'm Irish and our Christmas and Easter meals take a lot of preparation so I'm not diminishing the pride and work that goes into making a special meal.
Also for that night, surely DH could have drove your MiL home while you made sure DD had something to eat then you both jump into bed.
Theres definitely a bigger problem at bay here though if you've done all the cooking and you didn't even sit down to enjoy the meal and nobody even had the good grace to ensure your DD got something to eat.

HeySnoodie · 01/04/2025 07:09

Just book a nice meal out near their house to minimise cleaning cooking and transport.

i can’t get past the fact your DH still insists on hosting when you’ve said you don’t want to. I don’t care if his cooking is awful, I’d let him crack on with cooking and childcare while you do the cleaning and transporting. Time to swap roles.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 07:09

I didn't have time to eat. I initially sat at the table with a plate for DD to feed her and then myself - how things would happen ordinarily. But had to move on back to the kitchen to organise the next lot of food. I didn't have a lot of time as when MIL and SIL arrived, they said they weren't going to stay for long.

OP posts:
BumbleBeegu · 01/04/2025 07:09

Honestly never heard of anyone creating so much work for a simple lunch with family!!! What in hell are you thinking???

There is no need to make it so bloody difficult!!

YABU just for this OP! I had 4 unexpected family guests this weekend…for three nights! I only found out an hour before they arrived…I spent that hour reading my book 🤷‍♀️ We had a great weekend, no stress or expectations on either side. That’s what family should be like.

Sofiewoo · 01/04/2025 07:09

@GreyCarpet *The 2 yo wasn't starving - they'd had a big lunch and were eating all day. They possibly hadn't felt particularly hungry themselves. Hungry 2yos tend to make themselves known.

Well OP was the one who thinks “the worst bit” of the whole day was that DH didn’t feed the 2 year old.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 01/04/2025 07:09

@gollyimholly .

Pricelessadvice · 01/04/2025 07:08

You were only cooking for 4 people. People do that every night of the week after a full day at work.
It’s a bit concerning that you forgot to feed your child though!

As for the lift home for MIL, I think that’s fair. Your DH is just looking out for his mum.

Pottedpalm · 01/04/2025 07:07

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 06:01

This is the worst bit for me. I assumed DH would have done it. I was in the kitchen for most of it. They only stayed for 3 hours so it was go go go after they arrived. If I had known DH didn't, I would have paused everything and given DD dinner.

Show quote history

The whole thing sounds utterly ridiculous to me!

Whaleandsnail6 · 01/04/2025 07:07

RhaenysRocks · 01/04/2025 06:54

Definitely agree that people wouldn't be responding so flippantly if the OP was talking about Christmas dinner. It's not about "chucking some food together". I don't disagree mum should have gone in a taxi though . Also though..OP if you were in the kitchen all the time, how did you not know your DH hasn't sorted dDs dinner? Presumably that comes from the kitchen too?

I disagree with this. ..I unexpectedly hosted Christmas one year, which was decided on the day due to illness. Someone literally brought all the food round, unprepared as where we should have gone had an ill person and we got through it without any drama... everyone got fed and ate together.

GreyCarpet · 01/04/2025 07:07

Some of these responses! And yet, at Christmas, this forum is full of threads from women who've 'had a little cry' to themselves on Christmas Day after running themselves ragged for the exact same reasons! FFS!

Only they get told their husbands are useless and their ILs unreasonable. Not that they should just be a bit more organised...

The 2 yo wasn't starving - they'd had a big lunch and were eating all day. They possibly hadn't felt particularly hungry themselves. Hungry 2yos tend to make themselves known.

The pressure on women around Eid - the expectation for cooking etc and on daughter in laws in general in particular is immense.

EatingHealthy · 01/04/2025 07:06

Sofiewoo · 01/04/2025 06:53

I think we can safely assume the DH did not actually have an “all nighter” cleaning their house unless they’re extreme secret hoarders.
I mean literally no one does that. It’s clearly a huge exaggeration.

Show quote history

I definitely know people who would, if they only had three days to organise hosting Christmas dinner (and put up Christmas decorations), be up all night cleaning and decorating.

Tourist29 · 01/04/2025 07:06

WonderingWanda · 01/04/2025 06:01

I'm going to be honest, you sound quite disorganised and inefficient. Why wasn't your 2 year old fed some dinner and put to bed much earlier on in the evening so you could concentrate on hosting. How filthy was your house that you needed to stay up all night to clean it? How much food were you cooking that you couldn't leave the kitchen and sit down? Why weren't you getting everyone else into the kitchen to help you out if it's such a big job? Why didn't you leave the clearing up after for your dh to do?

and a couple of days shopping (meal for 4 adults - I could do that in 30 minutes) and an all nighter cleaning and decorating. Sounds bonkers. Of course she needs a lift home at that time of night.

BrokenLine · 01/04/2025 07:06

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 06:38

If they don't come to mine, they'd never see DD. Like I said, SIL has never invited us to hers. And DH thinks DD will have a better time with her DGM at ours than at hers as there isn't much space for her to play there.

Show quote history

So what, though? Why do they only see her if you’ve martyred yourself for days, cooking and cleaning? I agree with pps. The concerning thing here is that you didn’t want to do any of this and yet you did. Why?

pumpkinpip007 · 01/04/2025 07:06

I gave up a long time ago trying to impress anyone anymore in my own house. I have a toddler similar age to you OP, and DH and I work full-time. My in-laws are offered bakery or supermarket bought goods only, coffee and tea. They fit in around DC’s naps. The house is clean enough. I’m not going to go on a cleaning spree to make sure it’s sparkling bright for them.

I think time to say no too, like many other posters have said.

Sofiewoo · 01/04/2025 07:05

@TwentyTwentyFive I find it telling you've ignored those asking why you don't eat with them. There's literally no reasonable answer as to why?

She doesn’t like them and was creating busy work in the kitchen so she didn’t have to sit with them. It’s the only answer.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 07:05

Timeline of events
Family invited on Wednesday night: MIL, SIL, SIL's husband, two of MIL's sisters
Thursday: I shop for stuff from 3 different grocery places (none nearby to each other) with toddler
Friday: start cooking some things in evening when DH is finished with work and can watch DD
Saturday: DH watches DD all day, I cook. When DD is asleep, DH cleans and decorates. It was a 3 hour job at most. He is was just slow with it. I cooked until about 4am.
Sunday: saw my family for lunch. MIL's sisters and SIL's husband cancelled. They also arrived a bit late. DD had a late nap from 5-7pm (unusual for her but she was having a nice time at my parents with other kids and slept in the car ride home.

OP posts:
Indicateyourintentions · 01/04/2025 07:04

I can’t believe what a hard time you’re getting. Draw a line under that and sit down with your husband and make a plan going forward that that is never going to happen again.
Why couldn’t his mother and sister have joined you in visiting your family? Then you could have contributed a couple of dishes , done it in the day time and all be home at a sensible time. And they could both go home in a taxi together or your husband drive them while you do bath and bed with toddler.
Learn from this and do different. You did amazing but never again unless you have many helpers.

LittleBearPad · 01/04/2025 07:04

SALaw · 01/04/2025 07:00

If someone said they did an ALL
NIGHTER preparing Christmas dinner then cooked all day then even when their guests were there 7.30-10.30pm they didn’t leave the kitchen and didn’t eat any of the food, people would DEFINITELY have something to say on that.

Show quote history

Agreed! I don’t understand how you didn’t eat, and I don’t understand how your daughter didn’t eat.

So the three of them sat at the table. You stayed in the kitchen all night and your daughter didn’t what?

How did your husband not say ‘come eat!’

It makes no sense.

Whaleandsnail6 · 01/04/2025 07:03

However the night went, I dont think dh was unreasonable for taking mil home. I wouldn't expect either of our parents to get taxi home, I'd always offer a lift

I do think you made the whole night harder for yourself and thats what led you your frustration with dh.

The whole night sounds very odd (why didnt dd sit at the table and have some rice and bits? Why did you not get to actually sit at the table and eat? ) but I think you should put your foot down and not bother again ..mil and sil sound like awful guests,not helping at all

Sofiewoo · 01/04/2025 07:03

RhaenysRocks · 01/04/2025 06:54

Definitely agree that people wouldn't be responding so flippantly if the OP was talking about Christmas dinner. It's not about "chucking some food together". I don't disagree mum should have gone in a taxi though . Also though..OP if you were in the kitchen all the time, how did you not know your DH hasn't sorted dDs dinner? Presumably that comes from the kitchen too?

I don’t think anyone would suggest it’s even remotely normal to do an “all nighter” cooking Christmas dinner for 4 people, and cooking the entire way through the 3 hour meal and not sitting down to eat.