To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

Most comments are not seeming to understand that it was Eid. And the amount of preparation that goes into this. The cleaning, cooking, feasting etc. And the times of day/evening prep etc.

OP it was not unreasonable for your husband to drive MIL home. It sounds like you have a lot on and are feeling overwhelmed, and unhappy with always hosting. Offer a solution to your husband, perhaps dining out for the next few family occasions, with a sprinkle of hosting as opposed to every time. Drive closer to where they live [MIL].

Offer solutions to change the future routine, or your resentment will grow.

Yes but no one was working in a pair here with the OP.

If she thinks it's normal to be running around like a headless chicken serving everyone else and not being treated with any respect herself, well then that's what the rest of her life is going to be like.

Or she can decide that that doesn't work for her and put her foot down.

I don’t think that people on here are grasping that it was Eid and are not grasping the cultural element and significance of the occasion, this might be better placed in a different section? As I think you are being given a harder time than necessary from some people here.

💯

I'm sorry, but this is absolutely unacceptable. Are you incapable of talking to each other? You don't just assume - you check.

This all seems far too elaborate. You can host without all this brouhaha you know. I don't see a problem with your husband driving his mother home - the problem is the immense amount of unnecessary effort you seem to have gone to , to the detriment of everything else - including failing to feed a child who is entirely unable to feed itself.

Did you personally already have a big Eid meal at lunch time with your family? Then have to go home and cook another? I don’t think I could have eaten two Christmas meals one after the other on the same day.

You cooked for far more people than actually came - double in fact - because of their disorganisation. That would have annoyed me too. All that food wasted. And setting up for them all too. Infuriating. They would have known how much trouble you went to for them.

Your husband should have ensured his little girl got some food, tucked her into her car seat and taken her with him for the two hour round trip. She would have fallen asleep with him and you could have rested a bit before starting the big clear up.

I think you should consider insisting that they bring dishes as a contribution next time. Your mother in law sounds to have a hard life and it’s understandable that she doesn’t host but your sister in law sounds unpleasant.

so much of this is absolutely ridiculous. Of course he should have driven them home. Of course your DD shouldn’t still be up at 10pm and of course she should have eaten by then. No one needs to spend all night cooking or cleaning. Seriously. Of course you’re exhausted but none of these things needed to be this exhausting! Why are you ( and your DH) putting yourselves through this?!

From about September MN is full of threads of people getting their knickers in a twist about having to prep and cook a Christmas dinner while running themselves ragged for their lazy/ungrateful families, and the outpouring of sympathy is (rightly) immense. Something very unpleasant about how people are dismissive of the OP here because it's an Eid meal.

OP YANBU at all- the biggest error was agreeing to this with so little notice, but I understand that culturally it is likely expected that you would have done this.

Indeed. I don't understand why people are saying those replying don't understand the culture. The culture and tradition is irrelevant because it seems very much like the OPs DHs family pick and choose which bits of the tradition they adhere to. In the vast majority of families preparing an Eid meal is not the sole responsibility of one person. Nor is it considered acceptable to accept an invite without bringing dishes, deserts or other bits to help the host.

In some families, yes it's the norm for the DIL to be doing this.

Not in my family, we would usually take it in turns to do the during the meal stuff - but then we wouldn't do a full spread like this for 4 people, we would pick a smaller set of things for this size group. For a larger party, women will do it in pairs so I might pair with my SIL, we would fry samosas and make rotis for an hour and then swap with my cousin and her SIL etc

I'm sorry, OP, I think you've made a absolutely HUGE effort... you've felt rightly exhausted and used.

Is there an element of "matriarchy"?
Ie, the older members of the family expect the younger ones to cater for them, probably "expect" a degree of martyrdom, perhaps?

Add to that, you were actually catering for 7 but 3 cancelled?
And you were doing all this while fasting?

No wonder the lift home was the straw that broke the camel's back. It's not possible.
You need, like PPs have suggested, to sit down and plan how a celebration like this will go again. ( Hoping the food for the three that cancelled is happily in the freezer).

It's definitely SIL's turn next time!

You simply say, no, next time, if this is the type of expectation they accept.

"Seen and not heard" is the feeling I get here.

I really hope you have recouped some sleep and energy. Please think hard about doing it again. X

I think the people still posting that they don’t understand why so much work was involved in preparing the meal need to read the thread.

Another one of these threads where white British people shit their pants because in some cultures kids stay up a bit later.

My thoughts exactly, Yeah, so many why's or why nots here!

That's not the question I asked.

Is it normal that nobody else helped in any way and that the OP was running around like a skivvy to the extent that she didn't get to eat with the family and her toddler didn't get fed?

Yes, I can see it was a bit annoying for you but it’s his mum so I understand why he did it. I don’t understand why you would have been up all night cooking, cleaning and decorating though, sounds a bit unnecessary for 2 visitors.

This! Why was she not in bed?! Mine are dinner and bed by 8.30pm latest, even with guests…

You have to stop hosting in a way that needs things to be go go go before, during and after. I’m presuming some cultural expectations here around what constitutes an Eid meal - I’ve a friend married to a Muslim man, their Eid buffets are spectacular but they don’t have little kids.

Host, but pare it back to suit your circumstances.

It's normal to treat guests honourably, yes.

My goodness, OP. Do you make such heavy going of the rest of your life? You are a stay at home mother. You have way, way more time to spend on this sort of thing than most. As a lot of people on MN know, Indian food is not supernaturally harder and more time consuming than any other food. In fact, a lot of it is very conveniently cook ahead and reheat food. Tupperware rules in a lot of Indian households. This makes me think when you talk about eating western food the rest of the time, you mean bunging some burgers in a bun or some chops under the grill. This Saturday event being arranged on Wednesday is not "last minute". I get the impression your child might be clingy because you expect her to be but even so, again, most of us are familiar with the clingy phase - you just get on with it. I've voted you are being unreasonable and I'll say it again - you are being very very unreasonable. I can see a scenario in the future where you are on here writing "AIBU? I am a 67 year old grandmother. I can't believe my DIL expected me to travel home after a family event in a taxi. I live an hour away! She also spent the entire time I was there, hiding in the kitchen. I don't think she wanted me at this celebration."

@gollyimholly Your options are:

1.) Live like this forever
or
2.) Stand up for yourself

Pick one.

Sorry OP but every part of this is self inflicted.

Nobody was going to die if you didn't cook an elaborate meal and wait on 3 adults whilst starving yourself and your child in the process.

You chose to do all of this.

OP, sorry you had such a difficult and stressful end to what should have been a lovely family celebration. But it’s done now so sit down with your DH and address the issue about last minute invites and what that means for you in reality in terms of preparation. Hopefully he will know better for next time.

But is it normal in this culture for one person to have to do everything on her own, including being responsible for looking after the toddler, and not get to sit down to eat herself?

Taxi/no taxi is not really the issue here although would have been good to discuss in advance so everyone knew what to expect.
I also expect lots of pp don’t understand the food expectations of such a dinner so you’re getting a harder time than may be necessary.

The first big problem here is your DH - disregarding you when you said you’d rather not host, and then not helping you or arranging his family members to share the food preparation- it is so disrespectful to have you in the kitchen too busy to join them for the meal itself.
The second problem is your own boundaries - you didn’t want to host so you need to stand up for yourself- his family, he needs to at least pull his weight or there will be no dinner. You certainly need to sit at the table with them as an equal, not the kitchen helper. If you are going to host again then your DH is at least equally responsible for the meal. Then you both cook and serve when everyone is able to eat. If that means not cooking, cooking less, serving later then you need to do that - and only you can assert yourself in these situations, sounds like everyone else is happy for you to wait on them hand and foot.