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Original poster

To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

462 replies

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 05:45

Just wondering if I'm being unfair as I don't want to be.

DH and I hosted a dinner over the weekend. We have a 2 year and I'm a SAHM. MIL and SIL were invited. It was all a bit last minute (for me at least) and was organised on Wednesday earlier in the week. I spent the next couple of days shopping and buying gifts (Mother's Day, Eid etc) and cooking. It wasn't easy at DD is extra clingy at the moment and seems to only want to be around me. The night before the dinner ended up being an all nighter for both DH and I (me: cooking, DH: decorating and cleaning)

MIL and SIL live an hour away from us by car (and about the same by train). Neither drive and neither did DH until a couple of years ago. At the end of the dinner he asked me if it would be OK to drop them off home. It was 10.30pm - DD had still not had dinner, she was still awake, I was shattered and I really could have done with DH staying home to help clear up the post party chaos too.

When MIL usually comes DH will pick her up from her house and bring her over. I always do find it a bit stressful as it means leaving DD with me (she is 2) and I need to keep the house in a tidy state and get food sorted impending arrival of MIL. He will also drop her off. I am usually exhausted as I'm the one who is sorting out the food and for me when the guests leave, I could really do with DH being home.

MIL is 67, fit and healthy physically. I suspect some MH but not sure as DH says nothing is wrong. She won't take public transport alone, generally won't leave home unless someone is with her. English isn't her first language but then she did raise her children with only English and I personally would describe her as fluent. I have noticed though that she cannot follow conversation if the sentence structure is a bit complex. She also has no idea of where things are geographically - I don't mean just London, I mean countries. However, given then family have only ever used public transport and taxis, I would have thought it OK for MIL to go home in a taxi at least. DH says she doesn't like the smells or how restricted she is in one eg. can't have a conversation without feeling like the driver is listening.

AIBU to have wanted DH to just get MIL a taxi home on this particular occasion as I was just flat out exhausted from the dinner and the prep the days before. He also hadn't made sure DD had had dinner whilst I spent most of the evening in the kitchen, which meant I had do sort it out too. He was only gone for 2 hours but it was a busy 2 hours where lots needed doing and I would have appreciated the extra pair of hands.

Also, so as not to drip feed. I ALWAYS host my ILs. They never organise anything at their own place for special occasions and it's getting increasingly more tiring with DD. I feel like if she was older she could be more independent etc but right now she does need me and I find it tough to manage it all. I generally don't have dinner parties unless it's ILs coming.

If it wasn't a special occasion, I would have ordered in. But it being Eid, we had to have a specific kind of food which needed to be home made. And I had told DH prior to the event that I would rather we didn't host it as it would all fall on me to cook. DH is an atrocious cook. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin with something like this. He will usually clean the house and do the dishes etc before and after events.

OP posts:
CharlotteStreetW1 · 01/04/2025 08:28

gollyimholly · 01/04/2025 05:51

I would never suggest a train, but I would have considered a taxi safe. Especially if it was a hour's drive each way for DH

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Is your MIL a millionaire?

Tbrh · 01/04/2025 08:28

thepariscrimefiles · 01/04/2025 08:26

You do realise that OP's family is Muslim and Eid is as big a deal as Christmas is for Christians? Other Muslim posters have confirmed the elaborate and time-consuming nature of the food, all of which needs to be cooked from scratch.

Would you tell a poster who was stressed about preparing an elaborate Christmas dinner single handedly with 4 days' notice to just chuck a casserole in the oven? Plus, guests coming for Christmas dinner would be very disappointed in a casserole, but there is no religious element dictating the food for Christmas dinner. It is traditional rather than religious, unlike Eid.

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Not to mention I think a one month build up of fasting. It seems like a much bigger deal than Christmas actually

crumblingschools · 01/04/2025 08:28

@RiversofOtter5 surely you have to accept it is pretty shit that someone spends all their time in the kitchen preparing food while the rest of the relatives eat it and they don’t seem bothered that she doesn’t get to eat with them. Is it because a DIL is seen as lesser?

Smittenkitchen · 01/04/2025 08:27

Some PP seem to be choosing to be willfully ignorant. The kind of meal OP is describing is not just like "having two extra dinner guests" when you're just making spag bol.

BrokenLine · 01/04/2025 08:27

Dweetfidilove · 01/04/2025 08:20

That's par for the course here. Many posters can barely see past their own nose 🤷🏾‍♀️.

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People understand it was Eid. People just also think it’s mad that hosting a ‘last-meal’ for two people, immediate family members, not the Emperor of Japan and 200 courtiers, involved three days of frantic preparation, an all-nighter, and the OP not be able to sit down to celebrate Eid at the meal she has single-handedly cooked. And that everyone involved apparently thought that was fine.

dogcatkitten · 01/04/2025 08:26

Leave the clearing up till the morning, put the children to bed and go to bed. Let DH do what he feels he needs to for his mum.

I always drove my mum home myself if she came to ours for a meal. I would have worried about her in a taxi or on a bus late at night, although I'm sure she would have been fine, it's just what you feel is right.

Moonnstars · 01/04/2025 08:26

I think it is your DH who is unreasonable in inviting MIL and SIL at short notice, especially as you (I assume) had already made plans for that day with your own family.
I think he also needs a conversation with them around what they can do to help. This thread has been useful in understanding different traditions and it does sound like they are picking the bits they like (being a guest and being fed) and ignoring other elements (being a family, everyone contributes).
Sorry if this is the wrong thing to suggest, but like some people have a delayed Christmas dinner, could this not have been arranged so that you celebrated with your family on the day as planned, then as nothing had been arranged with his family yet, you suggested the weekend after.

TheJollyMoose · 01/04/2025 08:26

I think what I find the most bizarre is that you don’t like DH to leave you alone with your 2 year old when he goes to pick MIL up Confused

thepariscrimefiles · 01/04/2025 08:26

Ohioatdawn · 01/04/2025 07:12

I have to say I've never heard the likes of it either.
I've tried to be sympathetic as I've read the OP.
But essentially, she has 1 toddler to look after.
That's it.
I can't work out why that means cooking, tidying and decorating (decorating?!?) all night long the night before 2 family members come round for dinner. Or why it means the DH can't drive his DM home. Or why it means the toddler was still up and still hadn't been given dinner by 10:30pm.
I mean, just chuck a casserole in a pot, bung it in the oven for dinner, tell the 2 family members your house is a bit of a mess at the moment but that they need to just take you as they find you, feed your toddler dinner at the same time as the rest of you are eating dinner, and put your toddler to bed whilst DH drives his mum home.
This is such a normal situation.

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You do realise that OP's family is Muslim and Eid is as big a deal as Christmas is for Christians? Other Muslim posters have confirmed the elaborate and time-consuming nature of the food, all of which needs to be cooked from scratch.

Would you tell a poster who was stressed about preparing an elaborate Christmas dinner single handedly with 4 days' notice to just chuck a casserole in the oven? Plus, guests coming for Christmas dinner would be very disappointed in a casserole, but there is no religious element dictating the food for Christmas dinner. It is traditional rather than religious, unlike Eid.

RiversofOtter5 · 01/04/2025 08:25

HornungTheHelpful · 01/04/2025 08:20

It really doesn't show "cultural loss" it shows cultural differences. It's good you have explained that, because some people may now have a better understanding of those cultures, but to them it is "crazy" because that's not, culturally, what they do.

And in any event, even in those cultures, presumably it is accepted that you "contribute" at the level that you can (i.e. the Lord appreciates the effort you put in to respect him not the outcome - so a tired mother with a young child who manages to clean her house more than she usually would is just as respectful as someone who has an immaculate house cleaned by servants). If it isn't, well, then there is an argument for saying that it's time for some cultural change. That's the good thing about cultures, they are organic and they change and develop. Hopefully embrace the good and discard the less good. usually that's the way, anyway.

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It does show cultural impoverishment if people don't appreciate how their neighbours live.

This thread is also explaining to me why some middle-class houses are dirty and the hosting poor on big occasions. It's on purpose. Who knew that was culture.

ThejoyofNC · 01/04/2025 08:25

AnonymousJoyceLover · 01/04/2025 08:16

Why are so many posters not comprehending that this was not just some regular dinner but a culturally & religiously significant occasion

It's worrying that the comprehension levels are so low. And that so many posters are so dismissive

So highly important that it was only arranged 3 days before?

RiversofOtter5 · 01/04/2025 08:23

LittleBearPad · 01/04/2025 08:17

But all that cleaning would have been done by women.

Everything would have been done by women.

Women are allowed to want more than being handmaidens. Men need to do their part. I don’t think that’s cultural loss.

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No, in my experience younger brothers and male cousins and in some cases menservants would help.

Also it's not being a handmaiden to fulfil a traditional role. Any more than it's being a [misogynistic insult of choice here] to be western.

LittleBearPad · 01/04/2025 08:23

Dweetfidilove · 01/04/2025 08:21

Unless the OP's husband is a woman, a man did the all night cleaning here.

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No he did three hours of cleaning because he was slow and ineffectual.

OP was the one who was up until 4am, cooking for his family, many of who didn’t even turn up at the last minute.

Dweetfidilove · 01/04/2025 08:21

LittleBearPad · 01/04/2025 08:17

But all that cleaning would have been done by women.

Everything would have been done by women.

Women are allowed to want more than being handmaidens. Men need to do their part. I don’t think that’s cultural loss.

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Unless the OP's husband is a woman, a man did the all night cleaning here.

ShriekingTrespasser · 01/04/2025 08:21

I agree that you and dh sound disorganised. The staying up all night is nuts. Why did you need to decorate and cook such elaborate meals for two people?
Eid dinner doesn’t have to be that elaborate.
You didn’t eat with them, your dd didn’t eat, you resent your dh dropping his family off home.
This is all so haphazard and dh dropping his family off at 10.30 isn’t the issue.

Dweetfidilove · 01/04/2025 08:20

AnonymousJoyceLover · 01/04/2025 08:16

Why are so many posters not comprehending that this was not just some regular dinner but a culturally & religiously significant occasion

It's worrying that the comprehension levels are so low. And that so many posters are so dismissive

That's par for the course here. Many posters can barely see past their own nose 🤷🏾‍♀️.

HornungTheHelpful · 01/04/2025 08:20

RiversofOtter5 · 01/04/2025 08:12

I'm not sure if this is the case here, but the immaculate house is a sign of respect to the Lord on a major religious feast, not to impress guests. Certainly a day or more cleaning has been the norm among Orthodox Jewish or Hindu or some non-British Roman Catholic friends in preparing for feasts, for this reason. The repetition of 'crazy' and other dismissive language on this thread is sad and shows cultural loss.

It really doesn't show "cultural loss" it shows cultural differences. It's good you have explained that, because some people may now have a better understanding of those cultures, but to them it is "crazy" because that's not, culturally, what they do.

And in any event, even in those cultures, presumably it is accepted that you "contribute" at the level that you can (i.e. the Lord appreciates the effort you put in to respect him not the outcome - so a tired mother with a young child who manages to clean her house more than she usually would is just as respectful as someone who has an immaculate house cleaned by servants). If it isn't, well, then there is an argument for saying that it's time for some cultural change. That's the good thing about cultures, they are organic and they change and develop. Hopefully embrace the good and discard the less good. usually that's the way, anyway.

Imbusytodaysorry · 01/04/2025 08:19

AnonymousJoyceLover · 01/04/2025 08:16

Why are so many posters not comprehending that this was not just some regular dinner but a culturally & religiously significant occasion

It's worrying that the comprehension levels are so low. And that so many posters are so dismissive

Even on Xmas day or Mother’s Day or any other big day for anyone over the world .
It’s wrong of her dh !
You make plans if you love an hour away .
Op was out all day then was on a kitchen all night and didn’t eat with the family
I mean the important family ate just not op or her daughter .
Then the cheeky dh gets up and leaves .
Takes his dm home . Remember op didn’t want any of this .

LittleBearPad · 01/04/2025 08:19

RiversofOtter5 · 01/04/2025 08:15

This is so rude. It's not a party. It's a major religious occasion.

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That OP should have been supported to participate in.

Instead three adults did very little, including failing to care for a child, and one ran around after those adults.

crumblingschools · 01/04/2025 08:19

What is the usual role for men during Eid? Why does everything fall to the DIL? Does no-one ever question this?

paradisecircus · 01/04/2025 08:19

This feels like something that could have been discussed and worked out a bit more clearly in advance, when you were deciding to host your relatives and working out the logistics. I don't really blame your DH for offering/wanting to take his mum home, but you do sound somewhat put upon by him and everything else.

LittleBearPad · 01/04/2025 08:17

RiversofOtter5 · 01/04/2025 08:12

I'm not sure if this is the case here, but the immaculate house is a sign of respect to the Lord on a major religious feast, not to impress guests. Certainly a day or more cleaning has been the norm among Orthodox Jewish or Hindu or some non-British Roman Catholic friends in preparing for feasts, for this reason. The repetition of 'crazy' and other dismissive language on this thread is sad and shows cultural loss.

But all that cleaning would have been done by women.

Everything would have been done by women.

Women are allowed to want more than being handmaidens. Men need to do their part. I don’t think that’s cultural loss.

Dweetfidilove · 01/04/2025 08:17

I understand the cooking was a huge task - I've seen the sheer volume of food needed for these occasions; so understand the exhaustion. I also know you'll likely not win the battle of having to cook for your in-laws, as that comes with its own challenges.

I think that's a separate issue to your husband dropping his mom home though. That wasn't unreasonable of him in my opinion.

I'm also guessing your daughter had eaten throughout the day, as no two year that is used to being regularly fed will be hungry and quiet. It may have been outside her usual eating time, but the whole day was off schedule anyway.

The clearing up - you put your feet up and leave it to your husband. He can do it on his return or the next morning.

I hope you've managed to get some rest 💐.

AnonymousJoyceLover · 01/04/2025 08:16

Why are so many posters not comprehending that this was not just some regular dinner but a culturally & religiously significant occasion

It's worrying that the comprehension levels are so low. And that so many posters are so dismissive

RiversofOtter5 · 01/04/2025 08:15

kweenkweenie · 01/04/2025 08:14

This. How can it even be possible for two adults to stay up ALL night to clean and decorate for a 3 hr party. And to not even feed your own child. Madness.

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This is so rude. It's not a party. It's a major religious occasion.