To think DH shouldn't have dropped off MIL

Eid isn't a surprise but OP wasn't expecting to have to host until her DH sprung it on her with four days' notice.

Because when the family eat iftar it is a celebration after the sun has gone down. And the final iftar is a long drawn out meal, that is eaten in specific stages. So not a 'chuck it down your neck' meal.

were They the only attendees? You’re quite dramatic. I host my in-laws regularly. I have 2 under 2.5. I do cooking and prep when husband is home.

I do find having 2 year old at home quite tiring and busy. I don’t get a second if I’m on my own. (Baby naps, but she doesn’t!). Maybe get a job and childcare - you then get a bit of time to think. For instance you can take a day off when daughter is in nursery if you have something important to do.

i think getting a taxi is fine, but I can’t see how the whole event was so chaotic and exhausting. Nothing would stop me putting child to bed on time.

Yes, that's true.

The same thing will happen next year. Mil can't host, sil doesn't want to host. So they both land up at OP's whose duty it is to host.

For next year have a plan - either plan to go somewhere else or invite them. Just chilling at home will mean another surprise last minute invite.

Same ones whose houses I'll avoid because they always have worms and lice. And store bought food. And their back turned to guests and calling out over their shoulder.

Exactly. Racists out in force. Same ones who will be banging on for weeks on end about the stress of Christmas.

I'm not giving my life history here but my family is VERY mixed as is my travel background.

The issue for me is an unfed and up two year old at 10.30pm. What wasn’t the child fed and in bed at a reasonable hour. Judgy, sorry.

it shouldn’t have been a problem for your husband to drop them home. Surely the kitchen was sorted out and all you had to do was go to bed

@HereForTheFreeLunch OP wasn’t expecting to host so couldn’t prepare for it

Then perhaps stop speaking for whole cultures based on having a few friends of those cultures.

Haha no, my own hosting is of a poor standard.

Yes I do think the dirty houses are culture. There are no ritual purity rules in most secular and many Christian households. This is why there are shoes indoors, books in bathrooms, meat and dairy stored together, etc.

Sorry, culturesplaining doesn't wash here.

OP, Eid is not a surprise. Plan for it. Things like biryani's and samosas freeze really well.
Or shock horror... find a brand/restaurant you like that you can decorate up, add your chutneys to and pass off as your own.

Treat it like Christmas - people are not understanding you but for Christmas you have people planning, making and freezing things all the way from September. Do the same - start well before Ramadan for Eid prep.

Rest of year, pick a much smaller menu when hosting them - and do all one pot meals - no naans or roti made from scratch. A big pot of biryani, pot of sevaiyan and a pack of frozen samosas. If they ask for something different, order it in.

Leave the post cleaning for the next day. Drive them home yourself - it's nice in the night - peaceful, calming after the chaos. Play your favourite music loud on the way back.

Wow. Lucky her. Rewarded for that by skivvying all day and not even eating anything herself.

It’s not dramatic to want to know my mum is safe and travels comfortably - it’s the least I can do for her.

No, it doesn't. Do you understand what culture is? It is "the ideas, customs, and social behaviour of a particular people or society." Understanding your neighbours (though I'm not sure how important cleaning habits for holidays are) might be useful, but neither the neighbours' culture nor your own culture is "impoverished" by not knowing the customs of the other. I agree that it is good to know how people from different walks of life "work" and I find it extremely interesting. Others don't. That might make them incurious, or even intellectually impoverished but it doesn't make their culture impoverished. Don't be so rude.

As to the dirty "middle class" houses, and the "poor hosting". I imagine there are poor hosts in all cultures - it's a skill to do it well, and not one that everyone has. But to suggest that because people don't host in the way that you do makes them bad hosts doesn't mean that is a tenet of a particular culture - it may be that they are very good hosts, but that your cultural expectations are different to those of their culture so that you have simply failed to understand hat is required of hosts in their culture (or in your interpretation, you are "culturally impoverished" by your lack of knowledge of your "neighbours"). or they may simply be people who don't like and/or are not good at hosting.

Dirty houses? I don't believe you think this is culture, and I think you understand perfectly well that people of all cultures have different hygiene standards, entirely unlinked to their culture. My house is clean, but often messy (not when I'm hosting - culturally I was raised to respect visitors by hosting in a well-presented home). This has nothing to do with culture, and everything to do with, it being a busy, full house, filled primarily with people who are only just learning to take good care of their property and living space.

There was absolutely no reason to be so rude; I merely disagreed with you. The thing about cultures is that you can't judge one by the "rules" of another. They are self-contained systems. That can make it hard for there to be understanding. between people of different cultures, as you have so ably demonstrated.

I'm not even South Asian or Muslim, just lived in UK cities and had friends! This country is fucked if people don't get out of the M&S party food aisle and into each other's homes -- respectfully, not as judges.

I understand the traditional food that takes ages to prepare. But what would happen if, your husband said to his family that you'd both live to see them but you've got your hands full at the moment, so could they each bring a dish? Or that you would be cooking the food but there will be fewer different dishes than normal? They are choosing not to host or can't host so its not unreasonable if you're the only one that makes the effort, to lighten the load a little, as you're family and in a family, doing everything for a celebration shouldn't be down to one person.

As a last resort...My husband is also a terrible cook and we tend to host for family occasions but I make sure he does his share for these. He will make the special trips out to butchers etc to order and pick up ingredients. Help with prep (he can't cook but he can clean/ chop meat / peel potatoes etc). And he looks after the kids while I get on with stuff in advance and freeze it, to make it easier on the day. Its different as I enjoy it mostly but if I didn't, I wouldn't hesitate to simplify / ask for help bringing a dish / buy in food

Tell him next time you'll do the driving (both ways) and he can wrangle the 2yo and whatever prep/clean-up needs to be done during that time.
If he somehow genuinely cannot cook, that's unfortunate, but you can probably shuffle things around so that you've done the skilled cooking work ahead of time and he has instructions to follow to finish up.

You were both up all night preparing? Your 2 year old still hadn't had dinner at 10.30pm?

This is bizarre.

Why did having 2 relatives for dinner require so much prep? Why didn't you give your 2 year old dinner at a sensible time?

The way your MIL got home isn't the main issue here. You seem very disorganised or you're going way over the top with preparations, but something isn't right.

Scale down your preparations. Do a simpler meal.
Invite people for lunch rather than dinner so it's not so late.
Give your child their lunch too.

If you do this earlier in the day transport options for getting home are a lot easier.

Sorry OP but i voted YABU. I wouldnt have an issue with DH dropping his mum off but I also would leave everything as it was and took care of your DC and just have a moment to catch your breath if thats what you needed. I dont see what needed to be done there and then and couldnt wait 2 hrs for your DH to come back and help.

Stop being a martyr then… you want all of us to go “you poor thing! Such a hero…here’s your cape”. Not happening. You chose this. Maybe next time don’t… have a easier time at eid.

It does matter who they are.

Could you take your MIL to your parents’ house to celebrate Eid with your family next time? And don’t invite SIL!

It doesn't matter who they are if the level of work is unreasonable for one person to take on solo.

You might think it is bad manners to expect an able bodied 40 year old woman to bring some samosas to a party.

I think it is exceptionally bad manners to come to a last minute family celebration and watch the woman who has done all the cooking run around after you all evening and not get a moment to sit down and eat herself, without lifting a finger to help.

No. It's because she is the site of fruitfulness and abundance. You don't get it.