Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

Book him a flight home then. Borrow the money off your Mum. Cos that's the options he has. If he overstays it will be almost impossible to fix.

You need a new spouse.

ALL of the above!

Honestly, you might be better off cutting your loses now. He has shown you he doesn't care enough about you and your family to do what is needed. Once his visa runs out he will no longer be legally entitled to work. He might get away with it for a while, but employers are shit hot on that kind of thing usually.
It sounds like he would have right to remain if he wanted to go through the process, so why hasn't he? He does seem to have one foot out the door...

He is not too proud to take her money and "forget" to pay her back but too proud to ask for her help?
I am firmly #teammum here

The other worrying thing I took the legal route to avoid, was to put an alert/ block on my daughter travelling without me. Passport office did it. This was after we divorced though. Because ExH lived in a country where it was very common for men to be granted custody, and for them to leave children with their mothers. But also because of the culture, even if he had INTENDED for our child to return back to the UK with him from a holiday, a request/demand from an older male relative to leave her would have meant he had no choice but to do so, in the familys eyes. You dont disrespect older males.

so she has never travelled to that country and wont until she is married herself, and under the perceived 'ownership' of another man.

That may be way OTT, but as she has medical needs which require constant medication, there was no way I would even entertain that risk

@Plummutum This situation has been caused by your husband's lack of planning and sheer stubborness. The utter selfishness and arrogance he has displayed towards you and his children, and your mother, is unbelievable.

I'm sorry, but you have to put your emotions aside and be proactively practical.
HE sorts this today and finds the money. Otherwise he will have to leave voluntarily, or he will be deported. You will have your mother's support. You will not have to cope alone.

Look into what you would be entitled to benefit wise as a single parent. Turn 2 us and entitled to are benefit calculators.
You may be able to find a benefits advisor, possibly through Citizens Advice. Hopefully others reading your thread will be able to give more defined information.

If you get an idea of financial help available, you can make plans to make it work. The future will be less scary.

You are the only parent your children can rely on. Sort this for their sakes, as well as your own.
Deep breath. You can do this.

He doesnt love you or his kids enough to do anything to stay with you.

Ask your mum to agree to him signing a legal document to repay but not asking her personally. Explain to your mum you cant afford your life without him. If he doesnt accept that then waive him off.

Naive and flippant with it. A combination that comes across to me as sarcastic as well as the subject matter. Just a nope from me.

And honestly, I've been the immigrant spouse with British kids who needs to sort out visa stuff. I would have walked through fire to make sure I could stay in the country with my family. I had the visa applications in on the first day of eligibility, every time. I scrimped and saved to make sure we had the right money in the right place. I had every piece of paperwork required and then some (to the point where I was gently chided by an immigration official for having 50-60 pieces of evidence when requirement was "a minimum of 6."

I cannot fathom a parent who would not do something so simple as to ask your mum a question he already knows she'll say yes to. The lack of care and commitment and willing to make an incredibly small sacrifice for his children is beyond me.

I've got citizenship now and to be honest the main reason I got it was stability and certainty for my family that goes beyond what you could get with ILR.

I know it's scary. But I don't think I could ever, ever forgive his attitude and actions here.

Realistically, unless he gets the application sorted today make sure he leaves the country tomorrow.

Don't let him become an overstayer, because his chances of being able to return to visit the kids will essentially vanish, and depending on his home country the risks around taking them to visit might be quite high (plus puts all the hassle and cost on you.)

I'd imagine the asking in person is to make it more difficult for him to claim that the arrangement was between mother and daughter and nothing to do with him. A proper written agreement signed by him would also do this of course, but why not be safe in as many ways as you can?

He's either not stressed about the situation because he doesn't care if he loses his wife and kids (completely unforgiveable) or he is planning to take his kids with him when he is deported (even more unforgiveable). There is no spin on this that makes him a good husband and father.

being on your own is OK. It seems scary, but you have shown alot of resilience and resource, and those qualities mean you can work out most anything

It's ok to be scared and to start going through practicalities. I'm willing to bet your mum will step up. You'll be able to apply for benefits once he's gone, consider a smaller place near (or near bus route to) school etc. It'll work out.

He doesn’t want to ask himself or have anything documented because he has no intention of paying her back, again.

@Plummutum ...it's very likely your DH will just ignore the situation and stay illegally.
Waiting for you to sort it out for him.
Harbouring someone you know is here illegally carrys a prison sentence of 6 months potentially and a fine. Plus you'd have a criminal record.

Please also think about finances...if he does the right thing and leaves what's stopping him emptying your bank account?

OMG, he will be separated from his kids if he gets deported and he still isn't willing to swallow his pride and ask your mum politely to help with the fees and agree to sign a legal document for repayment.

What on earth is the matter with him? He should be totally distraught and begging your mum on bended knee in order to stay in the country where his children live. He should be agreeing to anything she asks in order to stay with his kids.

I considered that too, having been married to an Egyptian, who ultimately Liked me, but liked my chance of giving him a visa more. I was married for 8 years and did all of the running around for visas etc to bring him over here.

I also have a friend who married someone on a student visa, and he massively took the piss too. It wasnt exactly a marriage of convenience in either case - we both were in relationships, but we both were vulnerable to the love bombing that occurred as it was a relationship with a big fucking bonus for them.

I could see my ex behaving like this, although he was definately not aloof to my family, he was quite the opposite. But he would have been, and was in many times, the same regarding perceived lack of respect and his own pride. And he too would have done alot of the running around for me, cooking, allegedly supporting my studies (so long as it didnt impact him to do boring stuff like childcare) but the main issue was the knowledge that I was not a priority to him, that I wasnt in first place like I had made him, for me. He was young, immature and selfish, and had no idea, due to his culture, at how to have an equal relationship. We divorced when my daughter was 2. Most of his friends who I met, who equally married with visas, divorced after similar amounts of time, usually up to a couple of years after the right to remain was granted

During relate and the psychological therapy I had, it was pointed out that you needed 2 people to fight for a relationship, and that I was the only one effectively IN the relationship.

The document he signs for borrowing money from your mother does not need to be complex. You/your mum does not need a solicitor to draw up anything: a simple IOU on a plain piece of paper with both their names the date and the ammount is sufficient and legally enforceable.

I agree with others that he has backed himself into this corner. As someone who once had a visa, I worked with my DH to make sure that we handled all the paperwork in good time so I know it can be done.

good luck

You’re not abandoning him though - you’ve sorted a solution and now he has to follow it through. If he chooses not to then that’s on him. You tried.

If that is the case he doesn't see OP as long term and hence why he isn't that bothered about staying with her.

I get it OP. I was with someone from 18 to 28, met at Uni, spent the first ten years of my adult life with him. Terrified of being on my own, frightened nobody else would love me, thought the way he treated me was how all relationships worked.

I was wrong on every count. I thrived with independence, I realised I’d rather be alone than in a bad relationship and then after a long time I met someone truly wonderful.

You can’t let fear of the unknown keep you with a man who has demonstrated by his actions that he doesn’t care for you and his kids. He should be crawling over broken glass to stay with his kids. He can’t even ask nicely.

So, we’ve established:

He borrows money from your family and doesn’t pay it back (stealing)
He cares more about his pride than his children
Is bad with money
Has burned bridges with his own family as well as yours
Has left it too late to sort his visa mess out
Has thrown a fit when you said you have done all you can to sort out HIS mess and it’s on him now

Have you ever tried to or suggested learning to drive and he’s shot that idea down because he drives you places and you don’t need to learn? I bet he has. I’d examine your life for signs of control.

Nobody ever wants to think badly of their partner. It’s hard. But you need to be strong for your kids and examine if this relationship is what you think it is.

You need to set your standards higher.

@thepariscrimefiles ...I thought that exactly