Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

I know a few guys where I'd laugh at the notion they might take their kids with them on leaving the country

Mainly because they do no day to day childcare (or housework) and would be horrified at the idea of looking after the kids all by themselves for even a day...

If he wanted to stay he would have saved the money .
I bet he won't pay her back if he lends it and you will have too.
Similar thing happened to a friend of mine but few years ago and the guy lost his visa but also can't even come back to the UK for a holiday . Not sure for how many years.

1. please please listen to other posters and hide your children’s passports.

2. stop imagining that it’s pride driving his behaviour. A proud man doesn’t borrow money from friends and family in the first place and he definitely doesn’t ‘forget’ to pay it back. This is arrogance and entitlement, on top of a big dose of stupidity.

I’ll probably be accused of being racist, but I am the furthest from that you can imagine, but honestly let him just fuck off and get deported.

What Joy is he bringing to you and your children ? It’s crystal clear that he is using you. This country does not need another waste of space.

In effect he has been offered the money & refused.

Were you both always on relying on your mum offering?

You haven't enough & must have known this for a while so what was the plan?

It’s rude in any culture to bugger off upstairs as soon as someone comes to visit.

It sounds like you’re quite blind to how badly he behaves and your mum has quite rightly had enough. This is not your problem to solve, it’s his problem, so you need to stop trying to fix it and let him do what he wants. Maybe he subconsciously wants to be deported?

I feel sorry for your mum, OP. She only lends him money because of you. It sounds as if you ramp up the pressure so that you can protect your precious husband.

He keeps defaulting on paying her back. He should be put straight by you on that. Where is your loyalty to your mum who keeps bailing him out?

I hope that he carries on being an arse. Your mum can sit back knowing that sooner or later he'll be out - and that you can't hold her responsible for it. If I were her I wouldn't even have offered, terms or not, so she's amazing to even offer.

What a waster he is. Aren't you even a bit ashamed?

Well, yes. If he is going to be a dick about it, then his visa will have to expire and he’ll have to leave. But if his pride is more important than a life with you, it says all you need to know, really, doesn’t it?

Is he such a twat in other areas of your relationship? I am going to guess he is. Might be a good time to reconsider your relationship if he has to leave the Uk for a while…

It doesn't matter what he thinks he heard your mother said about him - he wants money off her and she has a reasonable request that he ask himself instead of sending her daughter to do his bidding whilst he hides like he does when she visits. He either wants to stay and will do what it takes or he accepts if he overstays he will not be allowed back and he will lose his family. It should be an easy choice. He can't afford to have 'pride'. It is not as if your mum is asking for a kidney, To be honest if he 'forgot' to pay me back previously he would not be getting anymore anyway.

I am sorry you are going through this must be awfully sad.I suggest you don’t mention the visa anymore and your mother is no longer willing to lend him the money.Her offer is off the table he will need to get a bank loan ,credit card.This shouldn’t be a problem as he is working.He needs to sort this out he should of been saving towards it ,he has a choice now sort it or leave.Have you ever visited his country and met his family?Keep the passports safe.You will be fine on your own with the children you have a family who will help you.Stay strong you can’t carry a grown man he can make his own decisions.

also, he shouldnt see his MIL like a mother. She should always have your back. Even if he is from a ME background, his MIL would be his wife's advocate, because if his wife had issue, she would be expected to return to her mothers house, and he would be expected to go grovel to get her back.

The western idea of all families being like blended happy units is not universal

That again is manipulative speech. he is not acting like a man with pride, not in any culture

He thinks your mother should shoulder this burden for her daughter... But he won't sort it for his wife and mother of his kids? I'm sorry OP I agree with previous posters. He's looking to cut and run and a reason to blame everyone else. "I had to leave because her mum wouldn't pay to sort my visa", "my MIL ended my marriage deliberately", "I don't get to see my kids because no one else would sort visa". Next it'll be your fault for not immediately upping sticks and moving to his country so inevitably it is always going to be your fault.

Hide your kids passports and your passport & any important documents/information.

You're being very naive to think this will have an easy ending. Your H is very manipulative.

where is he from OP?

Oh a good bit of deflection going on there....

stand firm. You KNOW that you arent asking him to beg. He is rewriting the narrative to make you sound unreasonable and as an excuse why he wont do it.

And he DOES behave like a twat to her, so she is perfectly allowed to voice her opinion.

My ex did this too - cut off anyone who saw him in a bad light or had criticised him.

Has he at least booked a flight to leave the country before his visa expires?

Honestly...he sounds worse and worse

He's behaving like a spoilt child who refuses to do his homework. Men like that have no business getting married and having children.

@Plummutum I'm thinking of you OP. What a nightmare situation for you. Pls keep us updated, good luck whatever happens

Your DH is entirely unreasonable. You are asking your mum for a favour and a visa cost is really expensive (been there and finally my DH is British now!). It's not a small sum of money for anyone to lend without some formal agreement about paying it back.

It comes across if you DH isn't bothered about staying and your marriage at all. his pride shouldn't come into it when it comes to staying with you really should it!

Having a black mark of being an overstayer on his record if/when he does apply for his next visa won't go in his favour. My DH visa once got declined as he got his dates slightly wrong (like a month out on a overseas trip). Cost thousands to go to court and get it corrected as well as repaying for another visa as you lose the first amount if its declined.

Is it possible he's actually hoping he'll have to leave?

I think the advice about hiding DC passports.is good. Hopefully unnecessary, but sensible none the less.

Most of his friends who I met, who equally married with visas, divorced after similar amounts of time, usually up to a couple of years after the right to remain was granted

This makes me so fucking angry. I think you should have to stay married for at least 10 years before RTR is even considered.

Anyway OP your 'D'H is a twat, presumably he's had ages to save up for his own visa. I don't blame your mum at all, honestly why do these men think that 'pride' is such as valued commodity when usually it's just used as justification for twattish behaviour.

She said she has young children with him :(