Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

"I think it’s so easy for people to judge and make comments without actually knowing the full story."
We know as much of the story as you told us. For the rest - you know that old saying 'you can't see the wood for the trees'? That's how these threads work. You, overwhelmed by the situation (tree) and loving your husband (more trees), can't see beyond your immediate surroundings. Us, looking on from afar, not in the situation and to who your husband is a total stranger, can see the woods - which is to say, the wider view beyond your immediate situation. And that wider view encompasses your husband's arrogance (you call it 'pride' because you're standing right next to it), and all the ramifications that this arrogance has brought to your door. And this distance allows us to see you tying yourself in knots to try and stop his arrogance destroying your and your children's future.

To continue the analogy - you're not our of the woods yet. He has borrowed money that will have to be repaid. You don't know what terms he has borrowed it on, when it must be repaid and whether interest will be charged.

A big conversation MUST be had. The two of you need to talk through how you got into this fix, and what steps you're going to take to get out of it (because you're not out of it yet, that visa extension has still to be applied for and granted). You need to learn to plan for the inevitable - he was always going to have to deal with this visa! He needs to learn not to bury his head in the sand and dump this on you.

And you do need to talk money together. You mentioned "we already have debt and really don’t want to enter into anything more" when asked about formal borrowing from a bank / credit union / credit card. Wherever he got the money for the immediate situation, he has just increased the debt you are in. You need to know to who and how much.

As an aside, you posted "Yes, he is spoilt and I’ve (kindly) pointed this out to him before 🙈". How does an orphan get to be spoilt? That tends to be the result of overindulgent parents, not no parents.

He’s an arsehole!

It's worse they are female. Looking at how he's annoyed you didn't fill in the application. Furious his MIL didn't give him the money.

See the common theme?

He’s not coming across great. Your mum was doing him a favour and he’s acting like she owes him something.

Your dh is a piece of work. He’d would have rather risked getting kicked out then ask for help. He’d rather lose his family than utter a few words to your mum. Seems like it’s a shame he got the money in the end.

He landed on his feet when he met you, OP. 🤦🏻‍♀️

At least he hasn't ripped your mother off. Thats something I guess 😐

well that was very stressful and whilst you can be glad that in the end he did sort it out (albeit temporarily until the next time he has a crisis he expects you to sort for him), that was unnecessary stress to put on you.

I suggest that you give yourself a bit of time to cool off and then maybe take another look through some of the comments and your replies and reappraise where you want to be in life.

It's okay that the partners in a relationship have different skill sets and rely on each other, this needs to be done from a place of joint enterprise and in full openness and honesty.

I'd be wondering at which point he made you aware that he was in difficulty? Was it always his responsibility to sort this from personal funds rather than family money? Was he doing more than his fair share of contributing to the household which left him short and he was trying to protect you? What are your future plans and what is he doing about learning to manage his finances better to support that? Is he frittering money away that should be for the family? Does he take equal responsibility in other areas of life? Do you feel loved, protected and supported?

Only you can answer these questions but speaking from the other end of a long marriage, don't stay with him simply because he can drive you places and help with the housework or for your children. Your children will be fine, it sounds like you have a loving and protective family who would support you (and do at the moment). You say your partner is an orphan, did he have a good example of what a loving marriage should look like?

I think some long conversations need to happen but not done at the moment in the anger of the situation.

Good luck OP.

I feel for you. You sound nice if a little naive. You are in debt, renting with small kids and another sulky child for a husband. From what you say, it sounds like he sees you as his mum, solving all his problems for him. Now you have another problem because he left it too late to think about how to pay a rather important debt. He didn't like your solution because he has to change his sulky behaviour to 'be grateful and nice' mode. This time instead of putting another plaster on his knee you've ripped it off and put it on him to solve. Good. Except it's not. His solution has added to your problems by creating more debt with another lender. I'll bet this woman ends up regretting lending him money too.
Never a borrower or a lender be. That is a saying for a good reason.
Can you really continue to live like this? Hand to mouth. Him storming out and not listening to reason but with no decent solutions himself. Letting your kids witness in this immature 'toxic' relationship: being rude to you and your lovely, kind, generous mum and family by not speaking or smiling or being welcoming, hiding upstairs, not getting on top of the debts, leaving important issues to the last minute for you to sort. This will continue for the rest of your life. Can you really bear that? OP you are at a crossroads. What do you really want? Luckily you're a woman. You can make it happen.

Ask Mr Superiority if he needs your help packing his things for his deportation. Because that's where things are headed if he doesn't get over himself and ask politely for some help with the situation HE's created for himself.

Alternatively, ask yourself, OP, if you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone whose 'pride' comes before common sense and everyone else ... I imagine this isn't the only example selfish, entitled narcissistic behaviour being called 'pride' wrongfully.

so thats how he feels, is it?

please have a think about how you would see this if it were your daughter in love with this man and trying everything to enable him to and him letting her, even expecting her to sort everything out for him, with no effort on his part.

how would you feel in that situation?

after his storming out I actually felt relief as opposed to fear and a little part of me just felt a calmness

Wait a few days for the immediate visa stress to go down, then you need to have a really, really good think about this.

Actions speak louder than words- if he overstays his visa and has to leave, that sounds like game over for your marriage, or at least life as you know it now. Your mum is being absolutely reasonable and very generous to consider lending money if it has not been paid back in the past (he forget isn't an acceptable excuse). So if he won't ask for the money because he values his pride more than he values your current life, and stability for you, then I think that tells you everything you need to know... A person is the sum of all their parts- and a small bit of bad can override an aweful lot of good...

Your mum is being pretty generous. If that was my mum, she absolutely would not be lending him the money… and if he refused to speak to her directly… she would probably report him the second that visa expired. Your husband needs to give his head a wobble.

OP, do you have enough income to cover the loan repayments? I wonder if your husband has the avoidant type of adhd?

But he left it to the last minute because of his own stubbornness and pigheadedness and risked losing his wife, his children and his job. That is why people are judging him. He isn't suddenly the hero because he managed to get some money from a friend at really short notice after causing you all this stress and worry.

He may have some very good qualities but in this situation his behaviour is pretty unforgiveable and certainly not the behaviour of a kind and loving husband and father.

It's easy for others to say he should have planned better. But if he's been here a while, on numerous visas, that's a significant chunk of money on top of other expenses.
Some people just jump on any opportunity to rag on a foreigner.

If the loan is real, is he going to expect you to help repay it?

I'm sceptical that he's managed to borrow so much money from several friends at the last minute. Sorry OP, but have you seen the evidence i.e. has he shown you text messages from these friends saying they will transfer the money, or has he shown you his updated bank balance?

My thinking is that he's just panicked and invented a story about having successfully borrowed the money, thinking that he can deal with the problem later. But of course the problem won't actually go away if the money isn't real.

It’s his visa, he should be sorting it not you. If he won’t speak to your mum, he’s obviously not that motivated to get it sorted, which speaks to how he feels about you

Why do you think your only two choices are to support him in letting his ego and stubbornness get in the way of something as important as his visa, or to abandon him?

A supportive spouse can only go so far. You've led the horse to water, you can't make him drink it.

Refusing to ask your mum directly and refusing to put something in writing - especially when he's proven that he's unreliable in the past are both big old red flags. Being willing to let his visa expire is a big old red flag too. His behaviour is telling you a lot about how he feels about you, your relationship and how much he wants to stay in the country. Pay attention to it. xxx

And worst case scenario he has borrowed money from somewhere with a crazy interest rate and/or from people who won't take kindly if he defaults on payments

Well, if he is reported for being an overstayer and faces whatever consequences come from that… at least his pride will be fully in tact.

Let him make his own choice, stop stressing, you have laid a path to avoid serious repercussions and he doesn’t want to take it. Thats his problem. If he can’t ask directly and be grateful for a loan to save his ass the he doesn’t bloody deserve it.

why is it urgent when you have known this day is coming for years? How has it come to this? are you both low earners and unable to save? its £500 a year thats needed isnt it or £43 a month - less than a tenner a week so hardly a massive sum unless you are both on low wages I guess. you need to find out asap what his plan is to pay this person back. please dont just assume he has this in hand because clearly he wont have.