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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

492 replies

Plummutum · 31/03/2025 23:58

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/04/2025 00:14

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:11

Yes thanks, I agree my mum is wonderful, she’s putting up with so much rubbish from him half the time sighs

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That makes him sound even worse.

Are you living with her? Why’s he giving your lovely mum grief?

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:12

TooBigForMyBoots · 01/04/2025 00:10

There's nothing you can do @Plummutum. He's been offered a lifeline and he won't take it. He is showing a total disregard for you and your marriage.Sad

it’s really frustrating.

OP posts:
Lammveg · 01/04/2025 00:12

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:05

Well, I understand, but what am I supposed to do? Just abandon him and let his visa expire? It’s tough because I know he’s in the wrong

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You're not letting his visa expire or abandoning him. He is doing it to himself.

Your mum is being generous, essentially there's nothing for her to gain by doing this, so setting out some terms is very reasonable of her.

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:11

Penguinmouse · 01/04/2025 00:10

Well you don’t really have much choice - either get a loan on your mum’s agreement or he illegally overstays his visa. Why you left it until 48hr before expiry though is bizarre.

It’s a long and complicated story as to why it’s been left so late regarding finance preparation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:11

outerspacepotato · 01/04/2025 00:09

"She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. "

He's got history of not paying her back money she lent him. Now he's on his high horse because she wants a written agreement that he will pay her back. She's supposed to trust him when he's been untrustworthy? Come on now.

He's being a pure jackass. That is her boundary.

Is it that he just doesn't want to be forced to pay her back? Stay mad, dude. It won't hurt anyone but you and your wife.

Your mom is awesome.

Yes thanks, I agree my mum is wonderful, she’s putting up with so much rubbish from him half the time sighs

OP posts:
Penguinmouse · 01/04/2025 00:10

Well you don’t really have much choice - either get a loan on your mum’s agreement or he illegally overstays his visa. Why you left it until 48hr before expiry though is bizarre.

TooBigForMyBoots · 01/04/2025 00:10

There's nothing you can do @Plummutum. He's been offered a lifeline and he won't take it. He is showing a total disregard for you and your marriage.Sad

outerspacepotato · 01/04/2025 00:09

"She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. "

He's got history of not paying her back money she lent him. Now he's on his high horse because she wants a written agreement that he will pay her back. She's supposed to trust him when he's been untrustworthy? Come on now.

He's being a pure jackass. That is her boundary.

Is it that he just doesn't want to be forced to pay her back? Stay mad, dude. It won't hurt anyone but you and your wife.

Your mom is awesome.

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:07

Imisschampagne · 01/04/2025 00:06

You really don’t if he’s wrong.

and why did he borrow from her before and didn’t pay her back? This doesn’t sound very good to be honest.

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I’m unsure as it was so long ago😭

OP posts:
Imisschampagne · 01/04/2025 00:06

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:03

I agree completely. It’s tough because I 100% agree with my mum for setting these terms, but at the same time he’s my husband and I need to also be on his side in some way😭

Edited
Show quote history

You really don’t if he’s wrong.

and why did he borrow from her before and didn’t pay her back? This doesn’t sound very good to be honest.

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:05

singlewhitetrashheap · 01/04/2025 00:04

You don't actually need to be on his side in some way. He's being a stubborn idiot who won't do what is necessary to get his visa sorted. He needs to get a grip and ask her.

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Well, I understand, but what am I supposed to do? Just abandon him and let his visa expire? It’s tough because I know he’s in the wrong

OP posts:
singlewhitetrashheap · 01/04/2025 00:04

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:03

I agree completely. It’s tough because I 100% agree with my mum for setting these terms, but at the same time he’s my husband and I need to also be on his side in some way😭

Edited
Show quote history

You don't actually need to be on his side in some way. He's being a stubborn idiot who won't do what is necessary to get his visa sorted. He needs to get a grip and ask her.

ThePoliteLion · 01/04/2025 00:03

Your mum is being generous and very reasonable.

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:03

loropianalover · 01/04/2025 00:02

If DH had so much ‘pride’ he’d have ensured the money side of all this was sorted well in advance.

Very cheeky of him to expect you to ask your mum for money to benefit him and he’d just receive it without having to speak to her, especially given that he’s failed to pay her back in the past.

I agree completely. It’s tough because I 100% agree with my mum for setting these terms, but at the same time he’s my husband and I need to also be on his side in some way😭

OP posts:
loropianalover · 01/04/2025 00:02

If DH had so much ‘pride’ he’d have ensured the money side of all this was sorted well in advance.

Very cheeky of him to expect you to ask your mum for money to benefit him and he’d just receive it without having to speak to her, especially given that he’s failed to pay her back in the past.

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:01

Fraggeek · 01/04/2025 00:00

I think your mum is perfectly valid in setting her terms. If his pride is more important than his visa, that say a lot more of him then it does your mum.

Yes I know, I’ve been lecturing him all day on putting his pride aside it’s really annoying.

OP posts:
Fraggeek · 01/04/2025 00:00

I think your mum is perfectly valid in setting her terms. If his pride is more important than his visa, that say a lot more of him then it does your mum.

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