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AIBU?

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Original poster

Don’t know what to do🫨🤯

492 replies

Plummutum · 31/03/2025 23:58

Hi everyone, needs some advice,

so, basically, long story short - my DH’s spouse visa is about to expire in less than 48 hours and although we’d managed to save some money for his visa extension, there’s still a large chunk left for the IHS and we’ve exhausted every other avenue so I thought that the last option would be perhaps asking my mum. I really didn’t want to explore this option but we really don’t have a choice so I asked my mum (and they don’t have the most watertight son/mum-in-law relationship) but she reluctantly agreed on the basis that my husband asks her directly and formally agrees to pay her back for X amount of months. She wanted a formal arrangement because sometimes DH would forget to pay her back on the early days of our marriage. My husband is point blank refusing (he’s got a lot of pride) but I don’t think now’s the time to have pride as his visa depends on it. I really don’t want him to become an overstayer 😭 do you think he’s being unreasonable for refusing to speak to her directly? Or is my mum being unreasonable for wanting the request to come from him?

OP posts:
TheGentleOpalMember · 01/04/2025 09:16

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 01/04/2025 09:13

Because of your responses. They are not realistic in relation to your alleged plight. They come across as sarcastic.

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They don't come across as even remotely sarcastic. Just naive. But hopefully it looks like the OP might be waking up.

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:15

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 01/04/2025 09:13

Because of your responses. They are not realistic in relation to your alleged plight. They come across as sarcastic.

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Okay, well you can think what you like

OP posts:
Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:15

ChristmasFluff · 01/04/2025 08:11

You and your mother have already provided him with a solution he is not willing to take. It's now his problem to sort out.

I wouldn't give it one more moment of thought. His actions have consequences for him, and yes, they will affect you (I also strongly suggest hiding your children's passports, as per previous posters), but that's HIS choice (which shows how much thought he gives to you and his children) and there's no reason for you to involve yourself in this further.

Sometimes life does us huge favours disguised as misfortune.

I know. I’m not gonna stress myself about it any longer.

OP posts:
TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 01/04/2025 09:13

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:11

I’m here asking for genuine advice about a serious situation and you want to report the thread? Why?

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Because of your responses. They are not realistic in relation to your alleged plight. They come across as sarcastic.

Dragonsandcats · 01/04/2025 09:13

Hide the passports first though in case he sees those ones.

thinktwice36 · 01/04/2025 09:13

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 08:58

I am furious. It’s caused a bit of an argument this morning because I still haven’t applied. I’ve also done my best too

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what are you supposed to apply for? HIS visa extension? Let me get this straight...

  1. He hasn't been arsed to sort this out in years
  2. He hasn't been arsed to save money to do it
  3. He has already mugged your mum off with money loans in the past
  4. He isn't prepared to ask her himself in order that she can make a verbal contract vis a vis repayment
  5. This is somehow your fault

What a prince.

godmum56 · 01/04/2025 09:13

are there children?

Dragonsandcats · 01/04/2025 09:12

I’d show him some of the comments on this post. Although sounds like someone who would never accept they could be wrong…

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I’m here asking for genuine advice about a serious situation and you want to report the thread? Why?

OP posts:
Limer · 01/04/2025 09:09

OP, you need to question what your husband's endgame is here.

He either wants to go back to his country leaving you & the children here, or he wants to do that but then move the children (& maybe you too) to his country at a later date.

Ask him what his actual plans are for when his visa's expired.

EdithBond · 01/04/2025 09:09

Your mum is being more than reasonable, given the way your DH has behaved towards her.

Your DH is being very unreasonable. What’s his suggested solution to sort his visa?

I agree with others that I’d put the kids’ passports somewhere out of your home, where your DH can’t get at them. Purely as a precaution. Why would he want them anyway, without discussing with you? If he asks for them, you’ll be entitled to ask why.

I’d also seek advice on whether there are any legal implications for you cohabiting or being financially/legally entwined with someone you know is an overstayer.

Your priority should be protecting yourself and your DC should your DH choose to leave the country or overstay. That’s not being overly anxious, stressed or paranoid. It’s being sensible.

Theredjellybean · 01/04/2025 09:09

You say he's angry because YOU haven't applied yet ...what in sweet jesus 😭.
You shouldn't be applying.. It's not your visa .. wake up....it's his visa, his responsibility.

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:08

Daisyvodka · 01/04/2025 09:05

And your husband knows this and would let this happen to you rather than just take the money? Are these the actions of a man who cares about his wife and children?

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I know it’s not, I’m very hurt. This is making me have a long and hard think about our future. Of course I care about him, you can’t just switch that off like a tap, but I am realising that sometimes you have to see things for what they really are.

OP posts:
TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 01/04/2025 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Daisyvodka · 01/04/2025 09:05

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:03

I have thought of this, but it would be a struggle being on my own. I don’t drive (yet), it’s a dual income household so my salary alone wouldn’t cover all the bills (our rent would eat up most of my salary alone), one of our kids is primary school age so pick up/drop offs with my own work would be tough etc

Edited
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And your husband knows this and would let this happen to you rather than just take the money? Are these the actions of a man who cares about his wife and children?

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 01/04/2025 09:05

OP this isn’t just about him being an overstayer. If his visa expires then he is required by law to leave the country immediately. that means he absolutely has to leave tomorrow, no if’s, no buts. Overstaying your visa is a criminal offence.

And I would seek some legal advice as to whether you could also be prosecuted for harbouring an illegal imigrant.

Stop being so passive about this and kick the fucker out. He’s not listening to your reasoning, and unless you potentially also want to go to prison and risk losing your children you will distance yourself from him.

TheGentleOpalMember · 01/04/2025 09:04

OP please, whatever you do, please take your children's passports to a safe place where he can't get them.
Please.

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:03

GRex · 01/04/2025 09:00

He's not even trying to stay, so it's clear that he wants to leave. Open your eyes here, he has small children and thinks it's your job to sort funding for HIS visa, never mind paying his share for the kids he's sucking the pot dry on his own costs. He sounds like a weight around your neck OP, life will be easier without him. Sink some of the visa money into a ticket home, put the rest in the bank for bills and drop him off at the airport tomorrow. You'll just have to arrange holidays with the kids going forward, it's a shame for them but maybe he'll muster up the enthusiasm to be with them if it's just a week or so each year.

Edited

I have thought of this, but it would be a struggle being on my own. I don’t drive (yet), it’s a dual income household so my salary alone wouldn’t cover all the bills (our rent would eat up most of my salary alone), one of our kids is primary school age so pick up/drop offs with my own work would be tough etc

OP posts:
Daisyvodka · 01/04/2025 09:02

Okay to put this into perspective OP:

A good, kind, caring, wonderful man would:

  • Make an effort with his wife's family, even if he was not keen on them, as he wouldn't want them to think he was not a good match for their daughter
  • Be doing everything in his power to stay in the country as he would not want to be apart from his wife and family and would also not want to risk his wife having to care for his children alone for potentially a long period of time if he got kicked out of the country
  • Would pay back any money he owed to his wife's family immediately as he wouldn't want the family member to be out of pocket, and wouldn't want them to think less of him by him messing around on repayments
  • Would be incredibly grateful that they had even offered him the money given his past repayment issues
Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 09:01

moveoveralice · 01/04/2025 07:17

Quite agree. Op sounds immature and lacking in understanding of the realities of her situation.

I am curious where this prince among men hails from. He sounds like an entitled, lazy prick who needs a kick up the backside, not bailing out again!

It is coming across like he doesn't actually care and would like to be deported, or that his MIL should happily pay for his responsibilities and be thankful to him for it. Misogyny lies at the heart of this, not pride. OP seems too daft to see it though.

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I’m not daft. But I understand as an outsider it’s easier to make these type of comments.

OP posts:
GRex · 01/04/2025 09:00

He's not even trying to stay, so it's clear that he wants to leave. Open your eyes here, he has small children and thinks it's your job to sort funding for HIS visa, never mind paying his share for the kids he's sucking the pot dry on his own costs. He sounds like a weight around your neck OP, life will be easier without him. Sink some of the visa money into a ticket home, put the rest in the bank for bills and drop him off at the airport tomorrow. You'll just have to arrange holidays with the kids going forward, it's a shame for them but maybe he'll muster up the enthusiasm to be with them if it's just a week or so each year.

Doolallies · 01/04/2025 09:00

Let his visa expire and he goes home. Should have saved the money himself CF

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 01/04/2025 08:58

Plummutum · 01/04/2025 00:05

Well, I understand, but what am I supposed to do? Just abandon him and let his visa expire? It’s tough because I know he’s in the wrong

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No. He's a grown man. He has allowed this to happen to you, not the other way around. Stop featherbedding his way through life OP.

Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 08:58

Nousernamesleftatall · 01/04/2025 08:56

Does he work?

Yes

OP posts:
Original poster
Plummutum · 01/04/2025 08:58

Theredjellybean · 01/04/2025 08:24

He hasn't done his best .. he's done sweet FA.
He has not saved or worked for the money HE knew He would need.
He won't ask your DM
He isn't bothered or stressed about the fact he's going to be deported, leaving his wife to cope with their young children alone.
He is bothered that he won't see his children.

Honestly OP....I am raging ...grow a bloody backbone...tell him you've done your best and it's up to him to sort it out. Why are you solely responsible for sorting this out for him...he's an adult.

I think he believes you will all roll over and hand over the money because he's THE MAN...and he's the most important.

I really do not understand why you're not furious with him.

I am furious. It’s caused a bit of an argument this morning because I still haven’t applied. I’ve also done my best too

OP posts: