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Original poster

Did we make the right move? Struggling to settle after relocating

42 replies

TheCalmCat · 31/03/2025 21:50

Hi everyone, I’d love some advice please.

We recently (4 months ago) moved back to my hometown to be closer to family. The plan made sense—more space as we could
afford a bigger house here and family support nearby (including help with childcare). But now that we’re here, I can’t shake the feeling that we might have made the wrong decision.

The place we moved from was much more cosmopolitan, and we lived in a lovely village with a really nurturing school and a great sense of community. I also made some lovely mum friends at the old school who were such a support to me, and I’m really missing them.

My 7-year-old has moved in Y2 and has settled a bit better than I expected at her new school, but I can’t see who she will be really good friends with yet. A lot of the girls in her class don’t seem to share her interests, and many of them are quite sassy, while she’s a much gentler, more sensitive child. This worries me because friendships were such a big part of what made her old school feel so special. I can’t help but feel she’s getting on with it at school because we made the decision to move.

I’m also struggling with the overall environment of the school—it doesn’t feel as nurturing as her old one, and some of the children seem a lot rougher than what she was used to. There weren’t spaces in other schools when we moved, and I’m not sure if they’d be any different anyway. My youngest is 2 and she’s too young to notice much change, so that’s less of a concern.

For me, the biggest struggle is that I don’t feel like myself here. I miss where we used to live more than I expected, especially my mum friends, the school community and diversity. I feel a bit limited here, and while I know we haven’t been here long, I can’t tell if this is just a natural adjustment period or if this move will never really feel right.

On top of that, my commute has now doubled—from 1 hour to 2 hours each way—on the two days a week I go into the office. We thought this would be manageable since I wouldn’t be working there forever, but I’m actually really enjoying my job, and there’s a chance for progression, which makes it feel like more of a sacrifice.

My parents and sisters are lovely, and it is nice to be close to them. But I got so used to being independent, and moving away from my hometown was a big part of that, and where I found my confidence and felt like I really grew as a person. Now that I’m back (after 20 years), I almost feel like I’ve gone backwards in time. I don’t know if that feeling will pass or if it’s a sign that this isn’t the right place for us long-term. Would I be crazy to move away again, even though family support is such a big benefit? We can manage without childcare but it’s nice to have.

My husband is more neutral—he’s not unhappy here, but he wasn’t as attached to our old home as I was. He’s taking the “let’s give it time” approach, which I do understand. I’m not rushing to make any big decisions, but I also don’t want to ignore my gut feeling if it’s trying to tell me something. I cry most days at the moment and feel so conflicted.

For those who have moved and struggled to settle, how did you know whether to stick it out or accept it wasn’t right? How long did it take before you felt at home—or did you eventually decide to move again? Have you moved away from family even though you have a good relationship with them?

OP posts:
NoviceVillager · 01/04/2025 00:07

I’m in the same stage as you and the novelty is now wearing off the new place / sheer relief of having done the move us ending. At the same time we don’t have any new mates or routines. Do give it more time.

RickiRaccoon · 31/03/2025 23:51

We moved 20 months ago with a baby and toddler. I thought we'd made a mistake as we tried to settle in and sort out the house. I tried to reserve judgement for as long as I could and, after about 12 to 18m, I knew we couldn't go back. I will say that I've realised nowhere's perfect and there are pros and cons to anywhere you go.

Here we have more space inside and out and it's quieter and it's prettier. We get to grow a lot of fruit and vegetables which the kids love to pick. I get a lot of comfort from surrounding myself with flowers in the garden. The childcare is equally good in both places. GP is much easier to get into. (We don't have family in either location.) It's further from my job and so I'm now applying for work out here for less money which is disappointing but the reality of having kids in a smaller town.

When we visit our old city, there's so many cars and the houses and yards are so much smaller that I don't regret the move. My kids are doing well and it's the upbringing I want to give them. My DH does still browse other houses and cities and propose moving there every week or so but I think that's just his personality.

I will add we were prepared to move back if needed and to admit we'd made an expensive (but not shattering) mistake but mistakes are part of life and sometimes they help you to know you're in the best place for you and your family.

ThePoliteLion · 31/03/2025 23:31

OP, I moved with my family from one part of London to another, very different part of London, in 2014. I never settled, didn’t like it, but we decided to see how it went. We left permanently 21 months later (we moved to a rural location). Haven’t looked back. After the first year it was clear to us that we were in the wrong place. We sold up at a loss etc. So my short answer is: give it a year or so and see how you feel then.

LadyNairne · 31/03/2025 23:14

It can feel regressive to move back to your hometown. As if the clock has reversed and everything you’ve experienced since you left happened in a parallel lifetime. That was my experience anyway.

It might not have been a good move after all. But now you’re there, you should probably give it a (school) year.

In the meantime also keep visiting your old village and friends so you maintain your place in that community in case you do move back.

It’s ok to make a mistake - even a big one like moving to the wrong area - even if it costs you to course correct!

zeddybrek · 31/03/2025 23:13

@TheCalmCat I felt a million times better when I moved back. But I had peace of mind knowing I had tried my hardest to settle in our new area. We made really good friends and felt a part of the community. Lovely neighbours. On paper it should have been a wonderful experience. But my heart wasn't in it. The move there and back was all when the eldest DC was under 5 so we have to move nursery not school which was easier. I will never move again as I appreciate where I am now even more so, therefore no regrets and all a part of the journey of life for us. Good luck OP.

Original poster
TheCalmCat · 31/03/2025 23:05

zeddybrek · 31/03/2025 22:44

We moved and didn't feel settled but waited 4 years until we moved back. I just didn't feel like myself and just didn't gel with the area. Four months is not very long, see how things go and give it more time. But listen to your gut feeling too, life is too short to be unhappy.

Thank you, yes I agree I need to give it more time. It’s hard when everyday feels like a struggle
did you feel much better when you moved back? Did you move children schools?
Completely agree about life being too short

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCalmCat · 31/03/2025 23:03

ThisUniqueDreamer · 31/03/2025 22:47

It can be quite regressive to go back to family no matter how close you are.

I find a particular dynamic with my mum and sister that I was never able to move on from no matter how old I was.

@ThisUniqueDreamer yes I can understand that, we have a good relationship but I wonder if we were better with quality over quantity if that makes sense.

@BlondeMummyto1 yes I understand it can sound a bit snobby. I think it’s just hard when we’ve come from a very different school environment. We did know the area and visited the school but I guess being familiar with the area and school and living and breathing it everyday are very different.

@Upbiffa that's really reassuring to here, I’m glad you’re happy. Did you move back to your hometown?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCalmCat · 31/03/2025 22:55

ThisPinkBee · 31/03/2025 22:39

On the face of it, I miss those things you describe for you! However I think give it your best shot within a time frame then you will be able to make a rational decision. As you say you have more space- does that lend it to entertaining and inviting friends (new, those from afar), and can you explore local places with family, and what is there locally to join?

Thank you @ThisPinkBee i do feel really ‘homesick’
My husband knows how I feel and has said we should give it a year before we talk about any changes, which makes sense and feels like a good amount of time, what do you think?
We have been getting out and about and trying to build our life here and new routine, and yes we have bought a bigger house (which we wouldn’t have been able to afford in our old area) so can host and have people stay over.

Its very hard when you feel so much regret. The whole process of moving was very stressful, with it close to falling through many times so it was a bit like ‘sliding doors’ around which way our life would go.
Thank you for the advice 🫶

OP posts:
Upbiffa · 31/03/2025 22:51

Like a PP, it took 2 years for me to feel really settled.

Now I absolutely love being here and you couldn't pay me to move!

BlondeMummyto1 · 31/03/2025 22:47

Your child is in Y2! You’re being silly and closed minded over her potential friends and maybe a bit snobby. You must have know what the area would be like.
Start looking around other schools and get their names on waiting lists and start building a new life.

ThisUniqueDreamer · 31/03/2025 22:47

It can be quite regressive to go back to family no matter how close you are.

I find a particular dynamic with my mum and sister that I was never able to move on from no matter how old I was.

zeddybrek · 31/03/2025 22:44

We moved and didn't feel settled but waited 4 years until we moved back. I just didn't feel like myself and just didn't gel with the area. Four months is not very long, see how things go and give it more time. But listen to your gut feeling too, life is too short to be unhappy.

ThisPinkBee · 31/03/2025 22:39

On the face of it, I miss those things you describe for you! However I think give it your best shot within a time frame then you will be able to make a rational decision. As you say you have more space- does that lend it to entertaining and inviting friends (new, those from afar), and can you explore local places with family, and what is there locally to join?

Original poster
TheCalmCat · 31/03/2025 22:33

BrokenLine · 31/03/2025 22:11

Four months is far too soon to settle. I moved back to my home city after 26 years overseas in 2019, and I would say it took at least two years to feel at all settled. Give it some time.

Thank you, yes it’s still early days. I’m just worried this gut feel isn’t going to go and I don’t want to feel stuck (plus have to consider moving my children back again)

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCalmCat · 31/03/2025 22:31

YellowSpotty · 31/03/2025 21:52

Have you bought or do you rent?
If renting then move back now, it's ok to change your mind.
If bought then it's probably financially better to suck it up and stick it out

Hi, yes we’ve bought our house so would be financially a big move to reverse it but not impossible

OP posts:
BrokenLine · 31/03/2025 22:11

Four months is far too soon to settle. I moved back to my home city after 26 years overseas in 2019, and I would say it took at least two years to feel at all settled. Give it some time.

YellowSpotty · 31/03/2025 21:52

Have you bought or do you rent?
If renting then move back now, it's ok to change your mind.
If bought then it's probably financially better to suck it up and stick it out

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