Did we make the right move? Struggling to settle after relocating

TheCalmCat · 2025-03-31T20:50:25+00:00

Hi everyone, I’d love some advice please. We recently (4 months ago) moved back to my hometown to be closer to family. The plan made sense—more space as we could afford a bigger house here and family support nearby (including help with childcare). But now that we’re here, I can’t shake the feeling that we might have made the wrong decision. The place we moved from was much more cosmopolitan, and we lived in a lovely village with a really nurturing school and a great sense of community. I also made some lovely mum friends at the old school who were such a support to me, and I’m really missing them. My 7-year-old has moved in Y2 and has settled a bit better than I expected at her new school, but I can’t see who she will be really good friends with yet. A lot of the girls in her class don’t seem to share her interests, and many of them are quite sassy, while she’s a much gentler, more sensitive child. This worries me because friendships were such a big part of what made her old school feel so special. I can’t help but feel she’s getting on with it at school because we made the decision to move. I’m also struggling with the overall environment of the school—it doesn’t feel as nurturing as her old one, and some of the children seem a lot rougher than what she was used to. There weren’t spaces in other schools when we moved, and I’m not sure if they’d be any different anyway. My youngest is 2 and she’s too young to notice much change, so that’s less of a concern. For me, the biggest struggle is that I don’t feel like myself here. I miss where we used to live more than I expected, especially my mum friends, the school community and diversity. I feel a bit limited here, and while I know we haven’t been here long, I can’t tell if this is just a natural adjustment period or if this move will never really feel right. On top of that, my commute has now doubled—from 1 hour to 2 hours each way—on the two days a week I go into the office. We thought this would be manageable since I wouldn’t be working there forever, but I’m actually really enjoying my job, and there’s a chance for progression, which makes it feel like more of a sacrifice. My parents and sisters are lovely, and it is nice to be close to them. But I got so used to being independent, and moving away from my hometown was a big part of that, and where I found my confidence and felt like I really grew as a person. Now that I’m back (after 20 years), I almost feel like I’ve gone backwards in time. I don’t know if that feeling will pass or if it’s a sign that this isn’t the right place for us long-term. Would I be crazy to move away again, even though family support is such a big benefit? We can manage without childcare but it’s nice to have. My husband is more neutral—he’s not unhappy here, but he wasn’t as attached to our old home as I was. He’s taking the “let’s give it time” approach, which I do understand. I’m not rushing to make any big decisions, but I also don’t want to ignore my gut feeling if it’s trying to tell me something. I cry most days at the moment and feel so conflicted. For those who have moved and struggled to settle, how did you know whether to stick it out or accept it wasn’t right? How long did it take before you felt at home—or did you eventually decide to move again? Have you moved away from family even though you have a good relationship with them?

Ollielollie · 07/09/2025 03:28

Wow do I relate with this right now! I moved away for college, married my husband in the same state, and we created a whole life there (favorite restaurants, side jobs, career, etc.) Plan was to move closer to my parents and this year we finally did it. I immediately regretted it. Something I always wanted to do but when it finally happened I wasn’t as happy about it as I thought I’d be (I have struggled with my relationship with my parents, especially my step mom: not very supportive, reliable, does what’s convenient for her, etc.) anyways, we found out we were expecting our first 9 days before we moved. We are now moving back and will have only been here 6 months (luckily only renting). I’m anxious to tell my parents but I know this isn’t right for us, maybe a few years ago we would have had time to waste and see if we like it, but we just don’t want to start all over down here. I totally get that gut feeling of regret, but also agree with giving it time too. But at the end of the day, do what you and your husband wants, not what your family wants. Good luck!

Hannahthepink · 03/04/2025 23:02

We stuck it out at our initial school for two and a half terms, so almost a full year. Then we just pulled ourselves together, realised that we had the power to change it, and moved her. She was in year 3, and we obviously worried about the impact on her of another school move, but we felt like we had nothing to lose. She has made some real friends this year and feels much more at home.

AuraBora · 03/04/2025 21:25

Reading this thread with interest OP as we are considering a move back to where DP grew up. Similar size market town but in East Anglia.
We love where we live now (been here since 2017) but we are finding life in the SE increasingly unaffordable and the future is a worry financially.
It's such a huge decision though - my main concern would be DD7 who is so happy here (younger one is just 3 and won't be at school until 2026 but even with that Wed have to get a move on to register for yr R Sept entry).

I'd be interested to know how things go with youm hope, hope it all works out.
Sorry no particular advice!

Original poster

TheCalmCat · 03/04/2025 20:22

PrincessOfPreschool · 02/04/2025 12:50

You have to give it time, sometimes a long time. I didn't really appreciate where I live until lock down in 2020 (5 years after we moved!) and it was so much better than where we used to be. I also appreciate DC's secondary school (it's not that far off with a DD in Y2!). The traffic is much better than where we used to live. I have a drive which is so much easier to park on. I don't like our house as much but the other house was out first house so it'll ashtrays have a discouraging place and it was too small. The people, the area, took a long time to grow on me. It was faaaar less diverse than where we used to live in London. I have made friends though (managed to find a few non English people!). I was unhappy for a couple of years but it was still the right decision in the long term and I can see that now.

Yes there is a good secondary school here @PrincessOfPreschool equally as good as in the last area. I know it will creep up quickly, I think that is what is putting the pressure on to decide if this is right or not, because if it’s not I’d have to move DD again. I worry if I wait too long (a couple of years) it will be harder to move back but I guess she would
still be in primary school at my youngest DD
still in nursery. I’m glad you’re happy now 😊

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Original poster

TheCalmCat · 03/04/2025 20:14

Hannahthepink · 02/04/2025 13:11

We did a big move in 2023, and we struggled at first simply because of the school that my daughter was at. It took a while to figure it out, but it was just too different to our old, lovely school. The kids weren’t viable friends for our daughter, the parents were not friendly, and the general vibe was off. Once we moved school, everything else started to feel better. At primary school level, it makes a huge difference to how the overall community feels to the whole family.

@Hannahthepink I completely agree, a big part of what’s making me feel so bad is how different the school is. How long did it wait until you changed schools again? How old was your child? Were they op moving again?

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TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 02/04/2025 13:45

TheCalmCat · 02/04/2025 12:42

@TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa my family would be upset but would still support us and I feel I could be honest with them why.
It would be really hard though don’t get me wrong but don’t want to settle somewhere that doesn’t feel right in my gut despite being closer to family. I have always thought about what it would be like to live closer to my family so whatever happens maybe this is a learning and at least I’ll know either way.

Show quote history

You are right of course and I envy you because you have somewhere you love.

I moved here in 1996 and for the first few years hated it. I love it now but it's still not home. I really dislike the locals too.

I met DH and he loves it here and he is a dialysis patient so moving would be difficult. We have three dialysis centres within a 14 minute drive here.

I have no-where in the world I think of as home but I know I will leave here when I am a widow. I'm hoping I will think of somewhere or go on holiday and want to stay.

Follow your heart.

Hannahthepink · 02/04/2025 13:11

We did a big move in 2023, and we struggled at first simply because of the school that my daughter was at. It took a while to figure it out, but it was just too different to our old, lovely school. The kids weren’t viable friends for our daughter, the parents were not friendly, and the general vibe was off. Once we moved school, everything else started to feel better. At primary school level, it makes a huge difference to how the overall community feels to the whole family.

PrincessOfPreschool · 02/04/2025 12:50

You have to give it time, sometimes a long time. I didn't really appreciate where I live until lock down in 2020 (5 years after we moved!) and it was so much better than where we used to be. I also appreciate DC's secondary school (it's not that far off with a DD in Y2!). The traffic is much better than where we used to live. I have a drive which is so much easier to park on. I don't like our house as much but the other house was out first house so it'll ashtrays have a discouraging place and it was too small. The people, the area, took a long time to grow on me. It was faaaar less diverse than where we used to live in London. I have made friends though (managed to find a few non English people!). I was unhappy for a couple of years but it was still the right decision in the long term and I can see that now.

Slimbear · 02/04/2025 12:48

It’s secondary school that matters - which has the best secondary -also help with childcare is worth its weight in gold

Original poster

TheCalmCat · 02/04/2025 12:42

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 01/04/2025 16:52

Surely the elephant in the room is how your family are going to feel if you move back though @TheCalmCat

Have you told them how you feel? Is it going to be a slap in the face is you tell them you wish you hadn't moved? Would you have to come up with another reason fro returning that sounds plausible?

On paper, I should move back to my own county to the town where my family live. On paper, it makes sense for a hundred different reasons but....I can't bear the thought of seeing so much of them all. I love them, don't get me wrong but it's Christmas and Easter and occasional drop in for a brew currently and I know for a fact I couldn't handle them if they were on my doorstep again. I'm sure they would be sick of the sight of me PDQ too. As you say, quality over quantity.

@TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa my family would be upset but would still support us and I feel I could be honest with them why.
It would be really hard though don’t get me wrong but don’t want to settle somewhere that doesn’t feel right in my gut despite being closer to family. I have always thought about what it would be like to live closer to my family so whatever happens maybe this is a learning and at least I’ll know either way.

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TheCalmCat · 02/04/2025 12:38

Loubelou71 · 01/04/2025 18:15

I think you're probably expecting to move in and it feel perfect but it's meant you're focusing on each detail. Could you try to accept it's new and try to reduce comparison to your old house and find positives where you are. You're enjoying your job, your daughter seems fine and it's you who is analysing her school, your husband seems ok. Take the small wins and one day at a time.

That’s a great perspective @Loubelou71 and you’re right there are lots of small wins, it’s just this heart feeling I can’t get rid of and I think the school environment is what I’m finding one of the hardest things (even though DD is doing ok on the face of it) time will tell

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TheCalmCat · 02/04/2025 12:35

Crochetmum83 · 01/04/2025 17:18

I did this move back to my hometown recently (last five years).

I missed my old friends dearly, our house move went more pear shaped than I could have imagined and we ended up in a house that we like very much but wasnt the one we moved for.

Lots very different here. Different types of people at the schoolgate, different lifestyles. Much less culture and diversity now (a shame but not far to travel to our nearest cities for a fix) far fewer cars, pollution and traffic jams (a huge plus).

Being closer to family is fantastic. Having more space is fantastic. I miss my old job, colleagues and friends but now at two-three years post move the sadness is fading and it feels like home here.

Give it two years and see how you feel. 4 months is far too soon.

@Crochetmum83 thats really helpful, exactly as you’ve said there’s lots different. I hope I feel better in time too, it’s hard to know at what point to make changes if my feelings don’t change, in the back of my mind I’m thinking about the possibility of moving children schools again, but after 2 years my DD would be Y4 and my youngest DD would be in nursery so it’s still doable I guess?

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TheCalmCat · 02/04/2025 12:32

Whichhousetochoose · 01/04/2025 16:40

We moved last summer, about 15 mins from our previous town which is a really sought after area. We wanted to stay there but house prices were so high that we compromised on location for a bigger house. I have ups and downs - sometimes I wonder why we left the ‘idyllic’ area to somewhere not as desirable, just to have the bigger house (and less money). Where we live now is lovely, but some areas within the town itself does have some rougher parts. I know people think we were crazy to move from where we were. I do desperately miss our old area, but slowly starting to integrate myself into the community here. Ive thrown myself into socialising with my DD’s friend’s mums, which has really helped (although scary!) So it is getting better, and the nicer weather is helping. I do go to the old area all the time to meet friends, which probably doesnt help me pining for it 😅 sorry, this post is a bit rambling but wanted to say I know how you feel!

Thank you @Whichhousetochoose you’re not rambling at all, it’s helpful!
very similar, we moved to have the bigger ‘forever home’ and close to family but feel we may have compromised too much. The vision of living here vs the reality are quite different.
On paper a lot of things are ok but my heart isn’t in (yet) and the thought of being here long term now is making me anxious.
Im so glad your DD is happy that makes it so much better!

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Loubelou71 · 01/04/2025 18:15

I think you're probably expecting to move in and it feel perfect but it's meant you're focusing on each detail. Could you try to accept it's new and try to reduce comparison to your old house and find positives where you are. You're enjoying your job, your daughter seems fine and it's you who is analysing her school, your husband seems ok. Take the small wins and one day at a time.

NoviceVillager · 01/04/2025 17:37

@TheCalmCatI didn’t move home, but did move from a big city to a tiny village. So I was expecting a decent bit of regret. Some things have been nicer, the quietness and the stars. We’ve met <drum roll> two parents so far at the kids’ school. This is a lot less than I expected! My city was kind of nosey but it’s quite restrained here. I think it will take more like a year or two to better settle. I’ve one kid who adores the place, and one who misses city life a lot. If I’m honest with myself, we really can’t afford the city anymore due to a range of factors, so I guess that makes me try to make the best of it. Good luck xx

Crochetmum83 · 01/04/2025 17:18

I did this move back to my hometown recently (last five years).

I missed my old friends dearly, our house move went more pear shaped than I could have imagined and we ended up in a house that we like very much but wasnt the one we moved for.

Lots very different here. Different types of people at the schoolgate, different lifestyles. Much less culture and diversity now (a shame but not far to travel to our nearest cities for a fix) far fewer cars, pollution and traffic jams (a huge plus).

Being closer to family is fantastic. Having more space is fantastic. I miss my old job, colleagues and friends but now at two-three years post move the sadness is fading and it feels like home here.

Give it two years and see how you feel. 4 months is far too soon.

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 01/04/2025 16:52

Surely the elephant in the room is how your family are going to feel if you move back though @TheCalmCat

Have you told them how you feel? Is it going to be a slap in the face is you tell them you wish you hadn't moved? Would you have to come up with another reason fro returning that sounds plausible?

On paper, I should move back to my own county to the town where my family live. On paper, it makes sense for a hundred different reasons but....I can't bear the thought of seeing so much of them all. I love them, don't get me wrong but it's Christmas and Easter and occasional drop in for a brew currently and I know for a fact I couldn't handle them if they were on my doorstep again. I'm sure they would be sick of the sight of me PDQ too. As you say, quality over quantity.

Whichhousetochoose · 01/04/2025 16:44

Also - I much preferred my Dds (age 6) old school to her new one. Her old school had lots of parental involvement (eg attending assemblies) etc. however, she absolutely LOVES her new school and house, and told me at the weekend that she never wants to go back to her old school or old house. Which made me feel better!

Newgirls · 01/04/2025 16:43

I think it would be really stressful to move again. Better surely to take your eldest to new clubs and meet some new people for you both?

my youngest wasnt friends with who I expected at primary and you know what - it worked out for the best. She’s still friends with them and they are lovely and loyal and some of the girls I might have chosen turned out to be quite tricky.

Alldressedup · 01/04/2025 16:42

We moved back to my hometown/ village when my eldest was 1. I wanted to be closer to my family for support and my old friends. I was surprised that it took me longer than expected to settle in. It felt like there were old faces I hadn’t seen for 15 years around every corner. Every time I went to the shop I’d see someone I used to know. Most people had never left the place whereas I felt I had moved on. I kind of had to get over being part of the place again.

Anyway - I did settle in and eventually that feeling of not wanting to see lots of old faces became something I looked forward to. And once my children started at school I made new friends with other parents. I can’t imagine living anywhere else now. Give it a bit longer and hopefully you’ll find your people and sense of community again.

Whichhousetochoose · 01/04/2025 16:40

We moved last summer, about 15 mins from our previous town which is a really sought after area. We wanted to stay there but house prices were so high that we compromised on location for a bigger house. I have ups and downs - sometimes I wonder why we left the ‘idyllic’ area to somewhere not as desirable, just to have the bigger house (and less money). Where we live now is lovely, but some areas within the town itself does have some rougher parts. I know people think we were crazy to move from where we were. I do desperately miss our old area, but slowly starting to integrate myself into the community here. Ive thrown myself into socialising with my DD’s friend’s mums, which has really helped (although scary!) So it is getting better, and the nicer weather is helping. I do go to the old area all the time to meet friends, which probably doesnt help me pining for it 😅 sorry, this post is a bit rambling but wanted to say I know how you feel!

Original poster

TheCalmCat · 01/04/2025 16:39

NoviceVillager · 01/04/2025 00:07

I’m in the same stage as you and the novelty is now wearing off the new place / sheer relief of having done the move us ending. At the same time we don’t have any new mates or routines. Do give it more time.

Yes @NoviceVillager i can completely resonate.
it does need more time and hopefully i feel better in 6 months or so. It’s just knowing at which point to adjust things and what is a short term feeling vs a long term this isn’t right.
Have you considered moving back? Are you in your hometown?
I hope you feel better soon.

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TheCalmCat · 01/04/2025 16:37

RickiRaccoon · 31/03/2025 23:51

We moved 20 months ago with a baby and toddler. I thought we'd made a mistake as we tried to settle in and sort out the house. I tried to reserve judgement for as long as I could and, after about 12 to 18m, I knew we couldn't go back. I will say that I've realised nowhere's perfect and there are pros and cons to anywhere you go.

Here we have more space inside and out and it's quieter and it's prettier. We get to grow a lot of fruit and vegetables which the kids love to pick. I get a lot of comfort from surrounding myself with flowers in the garden. The childcare is equally good in both places. GP is much easier to get into. (We don't have family in either location.) It's further from my job and so I'm now applying for work out here for less money which is disappointing but the reality of having kids in a smaller town.

When we visit our old city, there's so many cars and the houses and yards are so much smaller that I don't regret the move. My kids are doing well and it's the upbringing I want to give them. My DH does still browse other houses and cities and propose moving there every week or so but I think that's just his personality.

I will add we were prepared to move back if needed and to admit we'd made an expensive (but not shattering) mistake but mistakes are part of life and sometimes they help you to know you're in the best place for you and your family.

Edited

@RickiRaccoon you’re right nowhere is perfect. We did do a pros and cons list before moving which was pretty 50/50 - in heinsite probably not strong enough to move but we thought being closer to family would outweigh a lot. However now here there feels like there are more cons than pros.

What made you realise you couldn’t go back?

agree sometimes mistakes happen, I just don’t want to make any decisions too soon, but equally feel right now in my gut that this isn’t long term for us.

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TheCalmCat · 01/04/2025 16:32

ThePoliteLion · 31/03/2025 23:31

OP, I moved with my family from one part of London to another, very different part of London, in 2014. I never settled, didn’t like it, but we decided to see how it went. We left permanently 21 months later (we moved to a rural location). Haven’t looked back. After the first year it was clear to us that we were in the wrong place. We sold up at a loss etc. So my short answer is: give it a year or so and see how you feel then.

Edited

@ThePoliteLion im glad you have found your place and I can completely understand. It would definitely mean losing money but ultimately happiness comes first right!?

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TheCalmCat · 01/04/2025 16:30

LadyNairne · 31/03/2025 23:14

It can feel regressive to move back to your hometown. As if the clock has reversed and everything you’ve experienced since you left happened in a parallel lifetime. That was my experience anyway.

It might not have been a good move after all. But now you’re there, you should probably give it a (school) year.

In the meantime also keep visiting your old village and friends so you maintain your place in that community in case you do move back.

It’s ok to make a mistake - even a big one like moving to the wrong area - even if it costs you to course correct!

Thank you @LadyNairne I think you’ve summed it up perfectly - it certainly feels regressive.
Did you end up moving away from your hometown again? How did you feel?
I have plans to see my old friends which is lovely.
Course correcting is a nice way to put it and yes we all make mistakes!

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