My grandparents want to include me in their will. My mother is furious.

Your dgp can do as they please with their own money and they don't have to tell anyone what they've put in their will. People will find out after they have died.

I suspect I've read your 'AIBU question' differently from some other voters.

I read "AIBU .... {to} tell my grandparents to not include me to salvage the family dynamic?"

It think YWBU to do this, but most people seem to have voted the opposite way which doesn't match with the comments at all.

I agree with those saying that the best advice is to persuade your Grandparents to get some independent advice and sew up the will very tightly (whatever they decide).

Your Mum pressurising them is not a good look.
But it needs to be clear that you haven't given the impression of pressurising them either.

I would contact her solicitor and tell them she's being put under pressure. I would tell her that you want to have a chat with him to have an idea of what you're talking about. Then after talking to him you could say he has advised that she shouldn't discuss it with either you or your mum if it's making her distressed.

Your grandparents can (a) do what they want with their money and (b) not tell anyone what they have decided. In this situation, I would advise them to do that, but to include a letter of wishes with the will, to explain to your mother why they made the choices they did.

How odd. Surely lots of grandparents leave something to their grandchildren if they can afford it? It’s not like they’re cutting your mum out of the will and giving the whole lot to you.
My two siblings and I got £5000 each when my gran passed away and the bulk of the estate went to my mum, her only child. It seemed perfectly natural and I can’t imagine either of my parents kicking off over it. Is your mum “difficult” in other ways? I suspect she might be!

'Should I tell my grandparents to not include me to salvage the family dynamic?'

NO.

It is your grandparents monies & it is to with it what they will (!).

Perhaps they are fully aware of your mother's highly ramped expectations & have the common sense to work round her to make sure that you benefit from their generosity & goodwill.

At no point are you to compromise your best interests to offset your mother's indignation.

Just ask (very nicely) that your grandparents use an experienced solicitor to draft their will to their wishes so that there is no ambiguity that your mother (& others) may exploit.

My mum has 4 children. We all have houses. Some of us are better off than others so she spoke about maybe leaving 2 of her grown up children money and the better off children having what would be their share of the money left to the grand children. She has decided to leave it to her grown up children and they can decide whether to give it to their children or not. There may end up being nothing anyway if she needs it for care. If I was left any I would probably pay off some bills then share the rest with my children anyway so it’s odd that your parent is making a fuss about it. If my children inherited money I would be glad for them.

its your grandparents choice who they leave it to. They should say they don’t want to speak about it any more and they will leave it to charity if it’s discussed again and then leave it to charity/ you/ whoever they want.

Nobody should tell anyone else what to do with their money. They can leave it to anyone.

My DM has said that she’s leaving everything to my DS because she considers DH and I as older parents are already well set financially as we’ve paid off our mortgage before having our DS.

My only issue with that is my DS is likely to still be a child when he inherits and the amount is large. I don’t really want him to have a such a sum as a teenager as that may not end well for him. I’ve urged her to try and structure it in such a way that he doesn’t just have a huge pile of cash immediately.

The issue is exacerbated further by the wider family structure which means that DS will get multiple inheritances in childhood or relatively early adulthood. It’s a quirk of our family structure that he’ll be ridiculously wealthy, far more so than anyone he inherits from including his parents. I just hope he grows up into a sensible level headed young man and can handle it all with no adverse impact.

That’s all you can say. They are presumably very old and possibly not thinking straight. Maybe they could get advice from an impartial friend?

They haven't cut her out of their will. She gets 70% of their estate!

They haven’t cut the mum out of the will read the full thread, they are wanting to share it.

OP, id tell them to do what they want to do and not to feel pressured by anyone’s opinions.

Just keep telling them that it’s their choice who they leave money to

Is there a back story?

your mum must be very hurt that her parents have cut her out of their Will. That doesn't sound like a normal situation between loving parents and their child.

Yeah 70% and she’s unhappy? That’s rubbish. She could like another 30 years. Your GP clearly want to make your life easier before you are old. It’s how you could need it more.

Tell your mother and grandparents

it not my choices, it’s up to them/you what you do - just don’t tell me please

• don’t get involved

I can see your mums point of view if I’m honest, she would be close to retiring I imagine and inheritance should go down each generation, and then when your mum dies her house:assets then go to you. Including grandchildren partially skips a generation, unless your mum leaves some to your children and not just you.

I think you’re right not to get involved. Your mother likely a much more complex relationship with them by virtue of being their daughter. Who knows what her reasoning is. Steer clear

I hope this gets resolved, and the only way is to step out of it and leave them to it, despite the emotional blackmail they are putting on you by looking for advice.

On another note, I always fail to understand why anyone would tell anyone what's in their will! Am I alone in thinking this?

Even the executor doesn't need to know the terms, the witnesses don't need to see the full will, just sign on the dotted line in the presence of the testator.

Why do people do this and tell the terms. Better to do whatever you want and let the fallout happen after you're gone.

If you give a young person a lump of capital, to help them buy a modest home, they will pay a lot less mortgage interest over their lifetime. This allows them to save more of their own wages. This in turn will enable them to get things cheaper by e.g. not having to take out consumer credit for big purchases like cars and electricals, because they have enough saved to buy outright.
They might then have enough in savings to help fund their own children through university and give them a deposit to get started.... so their children pay less interest during their lifetime.. and so on.
Provided you are sensible with any inheritance and use it to help 'future-you' rather than increasing your discretionary spending, your grandparents are almost certainly making best-use of their assets by sending them where they can do the most long-term good.
Also leaving it to grandchildren means it goes through fewer rounds of inheritance tax, so more of it stays in the family, if there's enough of it to make IHT an issue.

I would tell your grandparents to get independent financial advice. That way you cannot be blamed by your Mother for any decisions your grandparents make. It is their money and she has no right to tell them what to do with it. It is also normal for grandparents to consider their grandchildren in their will too. It isn't like you are some random stranger to them.

A woman who tries to control her own parents and would argue to get everything and for her own adult child and grandchildren to get nothing doesn't deserve a penny. If I was your GPs I'd be cutting her out of the will completely, she sounds nasty and self-centred.

DHs family has a simple formula... 1/3rd to each child, then the remaining third split between the grandchildren.

Eta... they neatly seem to always have two children!

TBH, I would tell them they need independent financial and legal advice

Every contact with you will simply fuel your mother's paranoia that you're influencing them

Mine did this and the in-laws. Fortunately all their DGC's were adults by that stage and means would not attract inheritance tax for us and siblings.