Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

You mentioned he is on the spectrum, so this may just be a rules based challenge for him. Moving will be a big change and he will be naturally needing to try to make things the same as he currently experiences in his main home. I totally get how frustrating this is for you and that you feel tested. Maybe speak to him about that but also show some empathy about whether he actually is ready for such a big change. Talk to him about which of his rules are more flexible as living together successfully will take more give and take that he might like - but you also have needs here to meet, so some compromise is always going to be needed. He may well prefer to do all the dishes etc. This also may be why his ex didn’t do much at home as it was hard to meet his rules which may have been too exacting and easier to just let him do everything his way. I’d slow the pace of this move right down whilst you both figure this out and trial some compromises.

When you find yourself on the wrong train, don't hesitate to get off. The longer you stay on, the more difficult and expensive the journey back.

It sounds at he comes at things with the assumption that he’s in the right. Not ‘I prefer to teatowel rather than air dry’, but with an assumption that his way is the best way. Does he come at other things with an assumption that he (the man) is correct? How does he get on with your mates?

He saw the light fitting broke months ago, but didn't offer to help. Lovely.

The OP said it needs a joiner.

I know. Just preference. We are all different. I wouldn’t be able to relax going to bed leaving dishes drying. My kitchen has to be nice, clean & tidy (to me, that means everything put away) before I go to bed. It’s a nice sight in the morning 😀

He saw the light fitting broke months ago, but didn't offer to help. Lovely.
Talking about things that would drive him nuts, like not putting washing up away, is something that should be spoken about.
If he can't live like that you need to know beforehand.
From what you've said he doesn't sound excited.

Wouldn't he be more of a gentleman if he decided to fix the light switch and if you do dishes he dries them?

Live by yourself and do things your own way. He can do likewise.

Leaving dishes to dry is much healthier than using tea towel.

I detest dishes being left on the draining board. Seeing them there will put me in terrible mood. It’s so much easier to dry and put away when the dishes are warm from the hot water. And I HATE picking up cold, wet cutlery from a draining board. I wouldn’t be able to live with someone who left them either.

I think it’s a good idea to think about what you can tolerate and what you can compromise on before you make the leap.

Stuff like this will wear you to a nub OP. Honestly.

With this sort of mindset, everything you do will get up his nose.

@GlorificusT I think you can do better in terms of compatibility- he sounds somewhat OCD and his behaviour would personally put me on edge and make me feel old before my time- I realise some people can’t help this if they are ND and doesn’t make them awful - but I wouldn’t want a romantic /live in relationship personally with anyone as rigid as this -

There’s a real fine line between what is acceptable and ott. Relationships take compromise if it annoys him he can help! I would be wary how much he is expecting you to do. However I know my dp has a different level of house cleaning to me! Think bachelor pad, I would have a cleaner if I lived with him. There are always solutions but it’s whether your bf can compromise.

It’s a ‘pick your battles’ type situation really though isn’t it. If he wants to spend his time and energy drying dishes, when OP is happy to leave them to air dry, then that’s on him.

The actual household task they’re discussing here is irrelevant. It could be anything. Maybe the OP’s partner insists that toilet roll should be hung down to the back, rather than to the front. What is correct is that he doesn’t berate OP if she hangs it to the front on occasions that she changes the toilet roll, instead of telling her she’s doing it wrong.

I don’t like the way my husband puts cheese on a baked potato first and then the beans on top, but if he’s making me dinner then I don’t moan about it. I just do it my way when I make dinner.

Put him in the bin and get a real man.

There are these kind of issues coming up even before living together?! Run a mile - seriously! 🏃‍♀️🚩

He sounds like an insufferable bore at best an ocd at worst. He will drive you mad passive aggressively. Run.

I wonder if you have seen your BF as he works within the rules for his place,and the rules for your place. The ripples for cohabiting may well be different and he may carry over what he learnt from his parent's home life. This will be the template for him.
I don’t say this lightly as it is what I very slowly recognised after many years of issues with my DH. We got on brilliantly as a distance relationship. It was when we moved in together the challenges emerged. We both now realise he is autistic, as is our DC. Years down the line I wish I’d known you can’t expect anyone to change.
Your idea of a trial run is a very good one. Give it a good period to let each others habits/preferences really show. You may find his rule set matches yours. If not you’ll have found out early on.

He’s not excited because he can’t see it working.
Maybe you can make it work ( I think the evidence shows people that live together do often work stuff out) but honestly it sounds more trouble than it’s worth.

I think most of the posters on this thread complaining about their husbands who never do the chores should've taken a leaf out of the OP's boyfriend's book.

I initially misread the first post and thought one of his conditions was washing up dishes instead of leaving dirty ones overnight - I don't think that would be a controversial condition to anyone? I'd have laughed in his face at the idea of drying instead of leaving to drip-dry though.

Good point @Calliopespa
I've edited as OP has since said he has ASD. Even so it has upset her so maybe it's not the right relationship.
Having someone criticise what you do every single day wears you down and it's not a healthy relationship if one person feels constantly belittled and not good enough for their partner. It is a tricky one.

But if you are in the house too then that means you are also leaving it to drip dry and leaving things broken!