Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

"He could have paid for someone to fix the light fitting and dried the dishes himself, but he didn't"

Except the op has already said she is the wealthy one and he is the poorer partner who "rents" instead of "owns"....

If the sexes were reversed and the op was worrying about ended up stuck with the DIY, plus domestic chores and "mental loads" I imagine the responses would be somewhat different

Lol

He can go fuck himeslf can't he

Talk about a red flag

'addressed'

😂

It would be sensible not to start living with him. He sounds unreasonably critical. Imagine what this could do to your mental health?

An unfixed light switch for three months would really annoy me.
But the dishes thing is stupid.

It sounds like living with him will be really stressful for you. You have a more laid back attitude to your living environment than he does, so there will be lots of little things that you are happy to leave as-is that he wants you to do something about. This will probably make you both feel uncomfortable in your own home.

I disagree with the posters who, in true Mumsnet style, are annihilating him.
It’s so much better to have an open and honest conversation about these things BEFORE moving in. And if the dealbreakers are too much or too unfair, the OP can decide if she wants to continue the relationship.

I just would feel that he had a list of my faults that he was going to be "working up" to tell me about. I would feel very uneasy. Is he going to be paying "rent" to cover wear and tear or is he planning just to split the bills? I don't think I'd be interested in continuing the relationship. His being on the spectrum does not excuse this sort of behaviour either - I know many people who are and they don't behave like this. I have a dishwasher but I understand air drying is more hygienic than using a tea towel which can harbour bacteria.

Ironically I’m the messy one and my partner is the neat one - he is very domestic which I love but I’m a little scatty - and so when we spoke about moving in I’m the one that mentioned that he will have a hard time living with me because his flat was super neat and mine is … umm… lived in - clean but like you I might have a light out for a little while and he dries his washing whilst I leave it out.

Although I think it’s very different if you were to to address it first - but I think it’s normal for him to notice these differences in living - the same way I noticed that my partner was neat. It just means when living together we have abit of a routine - however I never feel judged - it’s a little different as we’ve had a baby recently and whilst I was doing a lot of the main stuff on May leave, he would come in after work and just clean up. So I appreciate that he doesn’t keep tabs.

If he cares about these things then tell him if the light goes out he is in charge of changing it and he can be in washing duty.

m I hope you do find a middle ground - I get it can be deflating but it’s best to address these issues now rather than passive aggressively.

Move on.

You likely need an electrician for a broken light switch, not a joiner.

Don't do it OP. If he's nit-picking about these things now, he'll undoubtedly be moaning about much, much more once you actually start living together. It would be a no from me...

Don’t live with him! I put up with a bf like that for six years and I had to leave in the end as he was decimating my self esteem and confidence, criticising every petty thing he felt I didn't do properly (incl. slicing bread, slicing cheese, polishing, hoovering - all up for his unasked for critique). Nitpicking at someone can really affect their MH. Please just don't do it.

Haven't rtft and someone else has probably already mentioned it...

Leaving dishes to dry all by themselves on the drainer is more hygienic than drying them with a tea towel.

Hé doesn’t want to move in with you. That’s all.

I'm torn on this one.
He's went about it in very much the wrong way, But I think it's a good idea to establish expectations before you agree to live together and come to an agreed compromise or continue to live separately.

Dishes is an easy one, you wash, he dries, problem solved.

I wish I'd had this type of conversation prior to (now) DH moving in, He's a messy fucker and it drives me demented.

No, No, and NO Do not move in with him.
whatever you do, say or think will be wrong in his eyes eventually.
He could also show a controlling side.

He is testing you to see if you meet his standards at all times. What are your standards for him e.g. no debt, no boozy mates staying over, no family coming to stay unless preplanned weeks in advance, no watching TV or mobile phones during a cooked meal, no putting things on credit........take aways once per month only........priorities for you with money were washing machine over light switch ( fair enough) . Also if moving in together you must be on tenancy or mortgage together ( fair/ equal)

Never have kids with this man. Babies are noisy and sometimes smelly. Toddlers are messy and wilful. They will have no regard for his rules.

Definitely don't have kids with him if he can't cope with crumbs or things being broken and left while you handle more important things.

Kids are messy, it's impossible to keep a clean home without wearing yourself thin, and still make space for a relationship.

Kids also break things. It's just a natural part of their exploration of the world.

Cleaning schedules go out of the window.

And that's once the kid is born. If you have a difficult pregnancy your standards will drop because you'll be in survival mode.

I am not calling him a bad man.

I am an autistic woman and I have to have things a certain way, and there were so many changes I was not prepared for that it destroyed my mental health being pregnant, sick, unable to keep to my routines and schedules, not realising how much of a sensory nightmare all things baby can be in the early days... It takes a toll on your partner too.

You can't just suddenly stop being autistic because you have a child. You can't suddenly stop having black and white thinking, mental rigidity and inflexibility, sensory issues, communication issues or develop an ability to remain zen in situations that cause emotional dysregulation.

I'm really sorry to be blunt OP.

I can't tell you how down I have felt at the dissolution of my relationships because the criticisms I've received have been because of things I can't control like my rigid thinking, even though I can still empathise and understand how difficult it can be to live with.

If you do decide to move in together make sure you always have a place to go to if it doesn't work out.

I think he is right to mention what bothers him,he did say he happy to move to next step.im sure you have a few pre conceived ideas also that you maybe expressed or are yet to do so..

Do not live with this man it will be awful. For people to live together they need to be chill. Obviously sensible discussions about splitting cleaning and chores need to be had. But if right off the bat someone has very specific uptight ideas... let me tell you from experience they will be absolute Hell to live with.

This sounds very cold and transactional. Like a business deal, not couple in love who adore each other! He sounds like he's interviewing you for a housekeeper role.

Nope do t do it. If he’s compiling a list of your wrongdoings already it will be a hundred times worse once you live in together and you will end up always on edge in your own home waiting for him to pick fault. Big red flag if he is like this already and been compiling a list!

Ring on finger and date set first otherwise this level of judgement not appr. Sounds like you have a doer and washer upper. Can be handy

Everyone has slightly different standards to their partner. I think you have to move in together to know if you're compatible or not. Condescending attitudes do annoy me. I bet though, if you moved in with your BF, you'll both discover he's not as on top of everything as he thinks he is and there'll be some satisfaction in pointing it out.

eg My DH told me he frequently mops the kitchen (once every few months) and I never mop. I pointed out that almost every day I wipe around the kitchen floor with wet paper towels to pick up all the dropped food which is essentially the same thing. He obviously has never brought it up again.

Also, I leave the dishes to air dry but my DH prefers to towel dry. We don't have any arguments about it. I try and do his preference but don't always. I wash more dishes because I hate food-caked stuff on the bench but it's also not fair that I wash AND dry everything. DH knows he has to put up with some air-drying or do more dishes himself.

Tell him you only want to live with him so he can fix things and dry the dishes properly, and then just run.

I never dry the dishes - I find it less hygienic.

But he sounds like he would be super anal to live with. I would not live with him.