Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

If you read the thread on being married to men with ASD you may discover that he is fantastic at the time you are his “special interest” but that this intense romantic phase ends and he simply stops being the dating hero he was. In addition the early romantic phase is often thrown out after children come as he will not be able to tolerate the chaos, noise, and highly variable demands that children make on their environment.

@GlorificusT I think ND people mask stuff and show their best side, which is great/like most people. Personally I'd keep dating but not live together. I think you'll soon see how compatible you are. With my partner, he is really lovely and I felt like a stick in the mud for not wanting to live with anyone. However as months went on, it's been pretty obvious i made the right decision.

An ex-bf was like this but he wasn’t on the spectrum. His mother wasn’t very loving or nurturing and he pretty much had to fend for himself from a very young age (his dad was a lot older than his mother). It resulted in someone so nit-picky and precise it became untenable for me to stay with him (six years). We did have fun and get on very well with each other if you took that side of him away.

Funny though that if it was something he did or didn’t do, that was ok but if I fell short, well that was just not good enough. My sympathy for his early beginnings ran out and I left to save my own sanity and self esteem as it started to bleed into other things, like criticising what I ate or if I was hungry when he wasn’t (so why am I hungry, am I just greedy. I was 5’6” and about 8.5 stone so if I wanted to eat more often than him why the hell do I need his approval 😡). I would never want to be with someone like that again.

@JMSA I agree it’s maybe better to have these conversations before , if only to weed out totally anal people who would be a right pain in the arse to live with - I give you mr ‘paper cups and plates only’ - no washing up or mess tolerated who I ended up stuck with for a few years- even hated me cooking as it created ‘mess’ - he came from a pretty poor background and hence wanted the house like a Barrett showhouse- never saw this till I moved in- he hid it well

Of course they can. But it is objectively strange for the OP to keep wondering aloud why he’s like this when there’s a very obvious answer. People were already suggesting it before she confirmed.

He's trying to dictate to you how YOU live, not ground rules you BOTH agree to

He's a walking red flag

The hills are that way ⏩

Do you have much fun together, make each other laugh?
I don't think you sound compatible, don't rush into it.

Doesnt make it easier to live with regardless of the cause.

My partner is on the spectrum. He will nitpick silly things such as drying dishes but (if i wasn't around) he'd happily not change his sheets and sleep in a dirty bed for weeks.

Sleeping on the same sheets for weeks is vile and he knows i won't put up with it so he changes them now. Yet he goes nuts at not drying cutlery immediately.

Being on the spectrum doesn't mean it absolve you of any effort at all or make it any easier to deal with.

Edit-ND people can be dicks too. Don't pretend they can't be.

You said he was on the spectrum. It’s fine to not want to live with someone if the way that presents itself makes it too hard, but it’s really bizarre to constantly talk about it like he’s neurotypically dickish and you don’t know why.

Run for the hills. What a lucky escape.

Why?! See it as a blessing! Better to know now! The relationship wasn’t perfect unless you were planning never to live together so none of these flags would have ever been identified. I wouldn’t be moving in or having kids with this person. I’d be ending the relationship.

Well exactly. We see threads about this exact scenario every day on MN except it's usually the woman who has higher standards about mess, but did not have the conversation about domestic standards before moving in.

I'm the messy one who moved in with DP, the neat one. He didn't lay out "conditions" but we had a conversation about compromises. I upped my game in some areas, and in others DP accepted that no improvement would be forthcoming. It's worked out well.

I wouldn't have accepted the OP's boyfriend's conditions - like many PP I believe drip-drying is more hygienic so I would never commit to physically drying up every night. Then the ball is in his court as to whether he accepts that. It's a negotiation, and it's probably more helpful for domestic harmony later on (or to find out you're incompatible before moving in together).

Sounds like a control freak- you are not his landlady!

I think your partner is right to want to address expectations before moving in. So many relationships fail because of poor communication around non negotiables. Make a list of what you both need to feel comfortable and see if living together works for you before you end up with an expensive and messy break up

I honestly can't believe that there are people who will end a decent relationship because of cutlery and plates on a rack for an hour or two, before it's put away.

Have you got nothing else to worry you. Clearly, none of you have children because when you do just look at the state of your house.

This! ⬆️ What a dick.

I have a little cutlery drainer, so mine aren't cold and wet. I also have a dish rack for drying things on. Can't be bothered with drying things after washing up.

we are deciding to have kids or not

Does a loud horrified internal SCREAM! No! No no no NO NO NO!!!! Do NOT ever, ever have kids with this nut, you know he will make them MISERABLE!! No crumbs anywhere, a saucer for a solitary biscuit, no friends over. Crucified for any spills. For fack sake, NNOOOOOOOOOO! He'd need a lot of serious therapy before I'd ever accept him as a potential father.

Woah woah woah! DON'T have kids with him! Can you imagine how miserable he'd make their life if he makes you have a saucer for one biscuit?!?? He truly sounds psychopathic! This is a warning. Personally I would have fallen out of love at that point. I'd get rid, I would. You can do so much better than this manipulative and controlling nutjob. But, if you do want to keep seeing him, keep separate homes and don't stay over his. Christ, no one has time in life for all this hard work. And, I'd really like to hear his ex's point of view on her 'doing nothing'. I bet it's different.

@GlorificusT I read more of your thread and saw you mentioned him being on the spectrum. My partner is too. I would seriously consider whether this is someone you want to have children with. Kids are a whole load of mess and could he actually manage this. Mine lives in some mess because he hasn't got round to doing stuff in years plus has other areas where it has to be done just so, otherwise it stresses him. Im not allowed to help so im just left there sitting! It's all about being ND and having that set routine/lack of flexibility.

It also sounds like your relationship is something he is going through in his head, like a tick box so he isn't going to rush into anything anyway so again, keep in mind if you are considering children with anyone. Don't let them waste your child bearing years.

I get it, mine is lovely and adores me but we also don't live together/have kids, and so it works. But add those into the mix and I doubt it would work at all.

Times have changed and I’m pleased I’m not dating in this modern world.
I met my husband 46 years ago, in the July, engaged by Christmas and married the following summer. We were in love, wanted to be together.

yes he had habits that were not to my taste, but when I pointed them out he addressed them because he loved me. If he left toothpaste in the sink or wasn’t pulling his weight I would tell him. He would make sure he listened and acted! He loves me, he wants to make me happy.

same for me, I couldn’t imagine living any other life and we have had a good one so if he irritates me I take a deep breath and find a way of dealing with it that doesn’t hurt him, because I love him.

Are young people thinking of marrying each other on a transactional basis? Sort of, we get on, he earns ok, he pick his socks up off the floor?
I really think if you’re going to marry someone you should be head over heels in love and therefore be there for each other through thick and thin. You need that for the challenges life throws at you.

Most of all, he's testing to see if the OP is willing to accept his right to criticise her.

You may want to sit down for this….

Some of us are quite happy to leave the washing up till tomorrow.