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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

464 replies

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 18:58

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

OP posts:
Konstantine8364 · 01/04/2025 16:30

Why would you spend your time doing a task (drying dishes), that automatically does itself overnight?! He sounds fussy and dull and I wouldn't like to live with him. Fair enough if you left filthy plates for days or you'd left a light fitting unsafe for months, but those examples are so minor.

Pinkpanther70 · 01/04/2025 16:16

ThejoyofNC · 31/03/2025 19:01

Seems sensible that me. He wants to see if you'll both be on the same page so he can decide whether it will work for him or not.

I couldn't live with someone who leaves dishes to drip dry and leaves things needing to be done for months on end.

I never dry my dishes, it's so unhygienic. Leave to dry naturally, rather than rubbing an old tea towel on everything ...

DraigCymraeg · 01/04/2025 16:14

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 18:58

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

etterAt least he is being honest about how he rolls. I'm sorry that it doesn't look promising between you two. Better to know now.

Goodbyemylover · 01/04/2025 16:04

Wow romance and fun is dead. Total control freak. What on earth is the matter with letting dishes dry over night? The mind BOGGLES

caringcarer · 01/04/2025 15:51

My DH retired last September. He told me he didn't like the way I loaded the dishwasher. Ok darling you can load it your way was my response.

Marosanne · 01/04/2025 15:44

Or he could just do those things himself, if they bother him!

Catsandcannedbeans · 01/04/2025 15:28

The crux of this is if he would be okay with you sharing your conditions. When I moved in with my DP, he had gone from living with his parents to living with me, I had lived independently since I was 16 so we had very different ideas about our shared space. It almost split us up. We had a sit down conversation and drew up what is basically a contract. It was a bit Sheldon Cooper style, but to this day it still stands and still works. He has ADHD and I have ASD, and for us it’s definitely a necessity because sometimes the nature of these two conditions can make us but heads, but I really do think a contract or a set of rules is a good idea for everyone.

suburberphobe · 01/04/2025 15:13

He even said his family are nit picky about how clean his home is so I know where he gets it.

I'd be running a mile from this kind of future.

HamptonPlace · 01/04/2025 15:13

ThejoyofNC · 31/03/2025 19:01

Seems sensible that me. He wants to see if you'll both be on the same page so he can decide whether it will work for him or not.

I couldn't live with someone who leaves dishes to drip dry and leaves things needing to be done for months on end.

I can only presume you are joking about drip drying?

MyJoyousBiscuit · 01/04/2025 15:11

He sounds like he's trying to put the issue off without actually saying so. I'd love alone and get to know each other more.

Roobarbtwo · 01/04/2025 15:05

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 18:58

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

I had a bf like this and over time the criticism of me got much worse. We didn't live together. It started off by him being upset that I left the lid off toothpaste in my own home and ended up with horrible critical ten page long letters when he was working away.

SimpleSister · 01/04/2025 14:14

OP you said this. "On the other hand I was a happy single woman before this".
I think that is real truth, you cannot unsay it or un think whatever was going through your mind.

ThisUniqueDreamer · 01/04/2025 13:44

PointsSouth · 01/04/2025 13:29

…idle interest….

How often isn’t vile?

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I change weekly. Id cope with 2 weeks from him but he's talking weeks and weeks.

pikkumyy77 · 01/04/2025 13:42

ZoggyStirdust · 01/04/2025 12:19

And what is it called when a man has to up his game?

reasonable? Having boundaries?

Edited
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Negging is when a man disparages a woman in order to cripple her self confidence and create enough anxiety in her that she will tie herself in knots to win his approval.

Requesting that a female partner do more gendered labour in the home isn’t negging, necessarily. But its not the same as a female partner requesting that her male partner assume equal chores in a shared space.

If he had said “I like to be sure all dishes are put away at the end of the evening and that all light switches are attended to and I would prioritize that if we were living together “ that is quite reasonable. What he proposed is more like the owner of a hotel downgrading the household staff. That’s not ok.

WoodyOwl · 01/04/2025 13:32

If you lived together, surely he could arrange for the light fitting to be sorted if it bothered him. Likewise why would the dishes be your solely your responsibility if you were to move in together?

PointsSouth · 01/04/2025 13:29

ThisUniqueDreamer · 01/04/2025 10:07

Doesnt make it easier to live with regardless of the cause.

My partner is on the spectrum. He will nitpick silly things such as drying dishes but (if i wasn't around) he'd happily not change his sheets and sleep in a dirty bed for weeks.

Sleeping on the same sheets for weeks is vile and he knows i won't put up with it so he changes them now. Yet he goes nuts at not drying cutlery immediately.

Being on the spectrum doesn't mean it absolve you of any effort at all or make it any easier to deal with.

Edit-ND people can be dicks too. Don't pretend they can't be.

Edited
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…idle interest….

How often isn’t vile?

Crikeyalmighty · 01/04/2025 13:22

@pikkumyy77 I think this poster summed it up nicely OP - he’s great as a date/romance or even if you wanted to remain child free and you yourself had a broom up your backside/anal tendencies- but as for being a family man - he won’t cope with the chaos, mess, noise and will make your kids lives a misery too - sorry I just don’t think it would work out unless you want to remain childless in your show home ‘home’ -

Starfishfriend · 01/04/2025 13:18

What happens if you don’t follow the rules? What happens if youre pregnant or have a newborn and a difficult birth and you can’t put the dishes away quick enough? Does he break up with you? Or do you just get ‘told off’ ?
how’s he going to cope with a poo explosion when he loses it over crumbs you can’t even see. How will he treat children who don’t follow his rules.
I would run a mile personally

You can have general guidelines eg I prefer if we put the dishes away when possible, but for it to be an ultimatum for moving in is a massive red flag.

BunnyLake · 01/04/2025 13:08

GlorificusT · 01/04/2025 11:59

@Petra42 i think you are right that he must have been masking.

we could probably live like this forever and work out.

On the other hand, I’m still leaning towards having children than not and that will never happen if I stay like this. I don’t hate the idea of being childfree either but staying with him means choosing that I think.

I left my bf who was like that when i was 39. I still ended up having two children with someone else (who unfortunately also turned out to be Mr Wrong) but I have two great adult children. (Totally given up on relationships now and much happier for it).

Flavourful · 01/04/2025 13:06

Ooh there just the jobs you intend him to do when he moves in, did he not know this??? Silly man! Bin him

BunnyLake · 01/04/2025 13:04

GlorificusT · 01/04/2025 11:07

A PP mentioned he is treating the relationship like a box ticking exercise.

I agree.

I brought up living together with excitement for the next stage. I haven’t found that in him. Because he’s neurodivergent and I was never going to get that.

It is hard to feel so loved all this time, to now feeling picked on for whether I had a light switch fixed in time, or this other thing. And even just the knowledge he’s kept this list in his head.

Edited

It’ll get worse. More things will be added to his list as time goes on. I’ve lived it, never regretted leaving.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/04/2025 12:26

ZoggyStirdust · 01/04/2025 12:19

And what is it called when a man has to up his game?

reasonable? Having boundaries?

Edited
Show quote history

Usually no more than asking him to aim properly when he pees and scrub his own skidmarks off the bowl.

ZoggyStirdust · 01/04/2025 12:19

NonComm · 01/04/2025 12:17

Absolutely. Also, isn’t that called ‘negging’ so that a woman ‘ups her game’ to earn his approval…..

Show quote history

And what is it called when a man has to up his game?

reasonable? Having boundaries?

NonComm · 01/04/2025 12:17

ThisUniqueDreamer · 31/03/2025 19:00

YANBU

Those are minor things.

He can fucking well live alone, then, can't he.

Absolutely. Also, isn’t that called ‘negging’ so that a woman ‘ups her game’ to earn his approval…..

Petra42 · 01/04/2025 12:05

I genuinely think read the Aspergers thread and see what you think. Plenty of NT/ND relationships work out but plenty don't. I think you should think hard because having kids can put a massive strain on things. Mess is just one part.