Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

Don't live together,I think it will only get worse if you move in with him,you are better off staying in your own place, and if he brings up the subject, just say no thanks I am happy as I am,by the way I also use to leave dishes to dry,much more hygienic then using a teatowel to dry them.

I've just read your other posts.

If he wants kids then he's going to absolutely have to alter his expectations of cleanliness!

For what it's worth, I feel like your stance is "a little mess is ok" and I very much side with that.

Sounds like he wants to live in his mum's house. Perhaps he should have suggested, he could fix the light switch or put the dishes away?

Walk away. Run. This will only get far, far worse. Leave.

So, I don't think you're being reasonable nor unreasonable.

You asked your boyfriend a question about a very serious step in your relationship and he answered it with full transparency - is it not better to know what would and wouldn't irritate him before you move in together? Also, this is a perfect opportunity for you to think about what habits he may have that you may struggle to tolerate once you live together.

Dishes is a massive one for me as when I lived with my ex, I would always do the glass ware first and rinsed it under hot water so that it didn't leave any marks, but he would think nothing of just throwing the glasses in after he'd washed something oily or grimy, meaning it would have to be rewashed.

Some people reading this may think "get a grip" but it's little things like that that build up over time and can end up having a very detrimental effect on a relationship.

I'd maybe put off living with him for the time being.

He's already showing his true colours, being petty and controlling.

Yes to that.

Anyone with a 'crazy' or thoroughly deficient ex needs to be avoided.

He's playing you off against this chimera. You are supposed to feel he likes you better because he's chosen to be with you instead of her. In reality, there's always pressure not to fall short of his 'standards', and you will realise eventually that you're next on the list of exes who failed miserably.

People like this are not capable of true connection with another human.

Pretty much that ^^

If that's what pops into his head when you talk to him about living together, then I'd be dumping his pathetic arse!!

Waking up with you every morning should be a privilege & he's pissing around about how long you leave the dishes to dry??

NEXT...

If he doesn't like the dishes drying over night why doesn't he do....Get rid pompous git

Lundy Bancroft in “Why Does He Do That” writes of men who nurture a Garden of Resentment which they carefully cultivate, nurture, visit, enjoy. They plant seeds for each of your perceived “sins” and enjoy watching you commit them over again, growing a whole giant mental haven where they can retreat full of self righteous resentment. They become thoroughly good guys in these gardens who are putting up with awful things, and as the garden expands, so does their delicious resentment.

I don’t know if this is the case with your guy but it was my experience with a man and I became a tormented, defensive shell of myself. For me the red flag here is his having counted your vices, and what it might predict for the future. You don’t want to live with a man who grows a garden of resentment. It’s hell.

He sounds controlling. Is he like this in other areas?

Don’t do it!
the things that annoy him about you now (and vice versa) will increase in number and intensity,

Exactly this. They start as jokey little things...and in time he'll be controlling everything. Been there done that. You end up a shadow of yourself and it's awful.

But then you're not on the spectrum. He won't have realised he's annoyed you.

If he hasn't fixed your light switch or dried the dishes, is he going to enhance your 'sanctuary' or just invade it?

He is free to fix things and dry the dishes once you live together.... Or would he expect YOU to do all household tasks?
Wait don't tell me, I think I know the answer!

People actually dry dishes????!

L and I can not stress this enough O L— my retired dh has also found fulfillment in loading and unloading the dishwasher.

Hmmm, I'm assuming he's practically perfect in every way, then.
This seems like 'negging', it's a power play tactic
It design model is to keep the person being 'negged' chasing and trying to live up to the person's standards which are unobtainable, as the goal posts will move.
This is coersive behaviour, don't move in ,swerve that bullet.

Don't move in with him. In fact, if I was you I'd dump him! If he's being so petty now, how's he going to be when you two start to live together?
He sounds like a control freak to me!

That's quite strict, really.

We change ours pretty regularly. Every Good Friday, whether they need it or not.

If he doesn't like the way you live,he knows what he can do! He sounds a bit controlling.

get rid of him NOW what a loser

RED FLAG!!!!

Did she really not lift a finger or did she just not do things to his standard or when he thought they should be done? Like eating and saying "oh sod the pots lets do them in a bit" so he "had" to do them....?

Oh god.
have you ever ‘sleeping with the enemy’?

Have you been on holiday together ? Like a airbnb/ self catering thing ? It might give you a snapshot of what co-habiting might be like. Give you both an opportunity to negotiate your way through the issues. Living together is all about communication and give and take.

His way may be different to yours, and you will have to accept that you both may have to change to make things work.

I hate hoovering and mopping. So, my hubby who thinks the whole house needs hoovering and mopping needs doing daily...he does it.
He hates other chores or the frequency of how often I think they need doing....so I do them on my schedule.
This is the reality. Talk. See if both of you can being flexible and accommodating.

If he's 'keeping a list' and you are 'pissed off about that' and that's the end of it...neither of you are ready to share a living space with anyone else, IMHO.