Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

I read once that when it comes right down to it couples often don't split over the big things but the little things that drive them mad over time like leaving lights on or not not scraping off plates before washing.

When you live with someone you need to compromise I am a real night owl who loves to stay up late but I got to bed by midnight now to suit my husband and he eats a mostly veggie diet day to day because that is what suits me.

If you don't want to or aren't ready to compromise then perhaps you aren't ready to move in with him?

Whilst I think some of his expectations are reasonable, the reality is that you have different approaches to how a home should be, and that means I think you should not be living together. A relationship with each having their own home is perfectly possible, so I don't suggest it means the end of your relationship necessarily.

Well if you lived together then he could fix the light and dry the dishes if it bothers him that much. Is he expecting you to do everything?

The Misery Loves Co. strikes again. Never ask MN if you should be in a relationship.

If you like each other and enjoy each other's company, go for it. He's being sensible and telling you which small things really grate on his nerves, before they're actually an issue.

We all have things about our partners that annoy us, but often we only find out too late, when we're already constantly getting annoyed. Most people don't blow up the relationship because of these small issues, but it would certainly be better if we could have avoided them in the first place.

I kind of see his point. If these things niggle him now it will get 10000 times worse after 5 years of putting up with it. Some people have different standards/priorities and that's okay. It's okay if he doesn't feel able to live like that and it's okay if you do and perhaps it's better to know now than have an argument about something stupid in 6 months time and realise you can't stand living together. Perhaps you're not ready yet (as a couple) to live together and need more time living apart before taking that step. I know couples that have been together for 17yrs and still keep separate houses. We split chores and it means everyone understands their roles but if one of us is ill or busy then the other one will help. Perhaps defining roles will help him see how you can live together at some point.

Why would you move on with someone who is already criticising you?
Little niggles become big niggles. He's already trying to change you into someone else.

I bet you it was actually him that never lifted a finger in the house and not his ex.
I've had 2 exes in the past say the same sort of thing about their exes and it turned out it was them doing bugger all in the house, not their exes 🙄

I’m on the fence here because in some ways I wish I’d not ignored my husband’s slovenly ways before moving in together. He makes me look like the tidy one and that takes some doing. But mostly we laugh about it. It’s more your BF’s apparent inflexibility that would concern me. And why would he be waiting for YOU to call the joiner/electrician to fix something if HE lived there too? There’s going to be times in life when he’ll need to be more chill about the small housework type things. And definitely if you want something done a certain way, do it yourself! When kids, pets, busy jobs etc are in the mix my motto is “s/he who does it, does it right”.

He could always try drying the dishes himself if he’s that bothered, as could you.

Sounds like you both need several cats.

Don't move in with him. He's going to be a real pita.

Oh it could be being on the spectrum. Needing things just so. You need to find a way of negotiating that together.

Agreed with those saying run.

My ex gave me two sides of A4 of 'rules' when she asked me to move in with her. None of which to me were an issue as I'd never done drugs, had parties or even planned to have parties, used an incense burner or similar things.

The issue should have been noticing her controlling nature. That controlling got worse and worse.

You’ll never get a moment’s peace

Ooh this is an enormous red flag! I was already going to say don’t move in with him, but definitely don’t live with someone who has set up a “demon ex” that you must never be like.

He’ll be saying this re his ex to try to make you take on more than your share of housework so as not to be like her.

The whole thing is a a massive car crash waiting to happen. You can’t move in with someone who is setting conditions like this, or asking you to “audition” to be their partner.

You’ll be on egg shells all the time trying to live up to his standards- which will snowball once you’ve moved in. You’ll never be able to relax!

He’s telling you before you move in, he could have waited and moaned after.

How about becoming another of his 'ex's?

He's making it seem like you're desperate to be with him. Are you?

Walk.

He's just given you his red flags for not living with him. I wouldn't be moving.in with him if he's got issues with dishes drying overnight.

The thing that bothers me most more than any criticism of washing up practises is his lack of excitement for living together and potential future plans. If you suggest moving in it should be a mutual hell yes lets do it! Same with children- you need to both be on the same page.
You know him/your relationship best and with being ND, it might not be the case at all that he's not excited just that his mind has jumped to the practical and that's his focus at this moment in time.
I've had a few 'nearly' relationships when dating- I would say though that if you can't say a wholehearted yes without a single doubt then any element of 'I'm not sure' means no. Always trust your instincts.
Best of luck to you OP- I hope all works out positively.

Gosh.

run for the hills!

He sounds like a real catch.

One that you'd throw back.

I'm just amazed at the poster who suggested that "if moving in together you must be on tenancy or mortgage together ( fair/ equal)". First of all being on the mortgage together simply means you have taken on liability for a debt. Secondly, why would you give half of your house to somebody you just moved in with? My husband is on the spectrum and we've been married over 30 years and I still get breakfast in bed most mornings. He is tolerant of my more messy nature.

Start thinking of your own list like does he leave the toilet seat up?

My guy is on the spectrum. If I leave something half done, he asks if it's okay for him to finish it. He has a keen eye for detail (euphemism here) but he never says anything. He does what needs doing if he thinks it needs to be done. This BF of yours sounds a real Critical Parent.

He probably criticised everything she done and she thought it " you are so bloody perfect do it yourself " does he think he does things better than everyone else in work ? Criticises his work mates? If so I would have a long think about the next step. he sounds as if he may be a narcissist. And it his way or the highway