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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

464 replies

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 18:58

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

OP posts:
ColourlessGreenIdeasSleepFuriously · 02/04/2025 11:14

I had a BF like this. Lovely guy but he would totally have done my nut in if we live together, so we split up.

ZoggyStirdust · 02/04/2025 10:42

Classic mumsnet

a tidier man is a nut job, manipulative, a freak, an awful person who holds his slightly messy partner to unreasonable standards.

a messier man is someone you should never live with, lazy, dirty, probably a mysoginist and definitely unreasonable.

i dont think he’s done much wrong tbh

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 02/04/2025 10:10

TheGentleOpalMember · 02/04/2025 10:07

Or why women find it more trouble than it's worth, especially with controlling nutjobs like the OP's boyfriend. These men are enough to turn women lesbian.

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100% agree. I'm not convinced cohabiting works for either party in the modern world.

TheGentleOpalMember · 02/04/2025 10:07

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 02/04/2025 10:04

I can honestly see why some men find it more trouble than it's worth. 😢

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Or why women find it more trouble than it's worth, especially with controlling nutjobs like the OP's boyfriend. These men are enough to turn women lesbian.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 02/04/2025 10:04

Icyboy · 02/04/2025 08:59

This is why I won't live with a woman again, I like my peace and things the way I have them, doing what I want and the weekend and the no sense calls about nothing, it's bliss.

I can honestly see why some men find it more trouble than it's worth. 😢

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 02/04/2025 10:03

ZestyJoey · 02/04/2025 08:36

That's so true. In all honesty I don't know what he's done wrong either. OP asked him a question and he answered it honestly. That's a lot better than hiding his thoughts until he can't take it anymore.

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Actually that's a pretty good point. He didn't randomly come out and say this, he was asked a question.

The OP asked a question to determine if they were compatible, it's clear they're not. Time to spilt ASAP before it gets complicated.

Laurmolonlabe · 02/04/2025 09:24

That is pretty much the text book definition for nit-picking- I'd kick him to the kerb completely , and consider I'd had a close call, after all it's your home not his, he sounds like a user.

Icyboy · 02/04/2025 08:59

This is why I won't live with a woman again, I like my peace and things the way I have them, doing what I want and the weekend and the no sense calls about nothing, it's bliss.

Kendodd · 02/04/2025 08:47

No criticism of him but I think you are fundamentally incompatible.
I read once that it's the really little things that you need to get right in a relationship as these everyday little annoyances chip away and break up relationships, not the big things. It said that a marriage can survive the very worst things thrown at it. It can survive the death of a child, but it can't survive the toothpaste cap being left off.

Grandame · 02/04/2025 08:41

Yup Twistedwonder is 100% correct he is a lazy manipulative control freak. Opt out to escape and save yourself a lot of misery.

ZestyJoey · 02/04/2025 08:36

Walkden · 01/04/2025 02:14

"He could have paid for someone to fix the light fitting and dried the dishes himself, but he didn't"

Except the op has already said she is the wealthy one and he is the poorer partner who "rents" instead of "owns"....

If the sexes were reversed and the op was worrying about ended up stuck with the DIY, plus domestic chores and "mental loads" I imagine the responses would be somewhat different

That's so true. In all honesty I don't know what he's done wrong either. OP asked him a question and he answered it honestly. That's a lot better than hiding his thoughts until he can't take it anymore.

Chezxx · 02/04/2025 08:29

Only the most desperate of women would move in with a nutjob like him.

He will get a lot worse.
Some women have to learn it the hard way!

ZestyJoey · 02/04/2025 08:28

ThejoyofNC · 31/03/2025 19:01

Seems sensible that me. He wants to see if you'll both be on the same page so he can decide whether it will work for him or not.

I couldn't live with someone who leaves dishes to drip dry and leaves things needing to be done for months on end.

Presumably, you don't have a dish washer? Is it normal for people to dry their dishes immediately after washing? Lol I thought drop dry was the only way for those without dishwashers.

VintageMan · 02/04/2025 08:04

Nutjob. These behaviours will only get worse, these are the ones he thinks are ok to share..what comes later is gaslighting

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 02/04/2025 07:34

Helen483 · 01/04/2025 22:54

I see the reasoning, but I have to say that I have never had that discussion before moving in with someone (or having them move in with me).
The question to ask yourself isn't "can I live with him/her" . The really important question is "can I live without them?"

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The feeling of 'can't live without' passes quickly. The misery of someone who annoys you lasts forever.

If there's doubt there's no doubt. If there's something that 1% bothers you at the start after a few years it will be unbearable.

The OP needs to get out now or she will be making both of them miserable.

Sky1977 · 02/04/2025 06:01

Massive red flags ..don't move in with him!

Helen483 · 01/04/2025 23:16

MuddyPawsIndoors · 01/04/2025 23:00

Of course you can live without them, you'd have to if they got hit by a bus.

But if these basic discussions aren't had before taking the huge step of moving in together, the reality of living with the person you thought you couldn't live without, can come as a huge shock.

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Well yes you're right on both counts.

I think living with someone new always comes as a big shock anyway. My DP and I have very different views about how to run the house, but the point is that we accommodate each other because we value being together.

MuddyPawsIndoors · 01/04/2025 23:00

Helen483 · 01/04/2025 22:54

I see the reasoning, but I have to say that I have never had that discussion before moving in with someone (or having them move in with me).
The question to ask yourself isn't "can I live with him/her" . The really important question is "can I live without them?"

Show quote history

Of course you can live without them, you'd have to if they got hit by a bus.

But if these basic discussions aren't had before taking the huge step of moving in together, the reality of living with the person you thought you couldn't live without, can come as a huge shock.

Helen483 · 01/04/2025 22:54

MuddyPawsIndoors · 31/03/2025 19:13

Yep!

I wish more couples would talk these things through before taking the step of moving in together.

Some people tend to give more thought to what takeaway to have for dinner.

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I see the reasoning, but I have to say that I have never had that discussion before moving in with someone (or having them move in with me).
The question to ask yourself isn't "can I live with him/her" . The really important question is "can I live without them?"

Bowies · 01/04/2025 22:49

Hmm it doesn’t bode well for harmonious living, but good to find out now before you made the move.

It seems he’s got very low tolerance for compromise and sharing a living space. I wonder about the last relationship and whether it was more of a him problem, presumably we don’t actually know the ex’s perspective?

I don’t get he’s that interested in living together either or these gripes wouldn’t be his first thought.

Mainly I wouldn’t want to be walking on eggshells in my own home.

Peacepleaselouise · 01/04/2025 22:22

Honestly, I would slow all this down and take time to figure out whether these red flags are him being a bit silly as a one off or a bit anxious or whether they point to a more general pattern of him needing things his way and being a bit selfish.

leli · 01/04/2025 22:19

ThejoyofNC · 31/03/2025 19:01

Seems sensible that me. He wants to see if you'll both be on the same page so he can decide whether it will work for him or not.

I couldn't live with someone who leaves dishes to drip dry and leaves things needing to be done for months on end.

Weird

paradisecityx · 01/04/2025 22:09

Oh fuck that! How finicky.

ShockedandStunnedRepeatedly · 01/04/2025 22:09

Nope

Bye bye hyper critical boyfriend!!

Booboobagins · 01/04/2025 22:08

Sadly, he is not right for you, sorry I know you love him but he is a nit picker and will find fault in you for the rest of your relationship.

These are huge red flags, pls take heed. Do not move in with him it'll be hell. Find the right man for you who loves you fir you x