Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

when he’s in my home, he washes and dries the dishes right away
OP you need to tell him that if he wants to live with you he needs to stop doing this. Anyone with an ounce of knowledge about infection control knows tea-towels are microbe heaven. Warm and damp, yipee they say. Your air drying method is far healthier.
But obviously this isn’t about the right way to do things, it’s about control.
Run.

Apologies if I've missed this but where is he living now?

I mean. Sounds minor and nit picky. However, I'm glad he's bringing these up now. Livign together might not be for you if you have such differnet standards.

This this this!

Big red flags. Sorry OP.

He will be the sort who has spreadsheets of who does/did what on this or that day. Another with who spent this amount compared to the other person. Just no!

@GlorificusT these dishes that were left to dry ? How did he see them ? Was he staying at yours ? Had he ate there ?
Who cooked ?

what a dick he could have offered help with the light switch and well I bet the dishes too

I’d question this.
that’s his opinion but it could be way off the mark. My dh seems to think he does everything too, and I’d say he does about 5%…

id run a mile, either stay as you are, or throw him back.

Hmm, I think he’s said this in a bad way, and it’s not a great footing to start on - but if he’s a tidy up, get stuff done person then if you make a nice list of tasks and divide them between you, would that work out fairly? I’m just thinking that I’m a bit like him. There are certain things my partner takes ages to do when it would take me a second to sort out, so I used to end up doing more than my fair share. Now I leave things to longer than I am comfortable with and he does eventually do them, irritating but at least I’m not resenting him anymore.

I'm not sure I would move in. He is basically telling you he is finding you wanting and that if only you will improve a bit you will be worthy to move in. It;'s dishes now, but it will be something else later and later again. Where is the discussion or the compromsies? I bet there are things he does which drives you nuts. Are you allowed to talk about that?

FWIW I have lived for 20 years with DH. He is bloody hopeless with cleaning and stuff. It can be incredibly frustrating. But I accept that some things are important to me and not to him and vice versa- so I like a clean kitchen when i go to bed. he does not care. So I clean it. he likes the dishwasher stacked a certain way. I stack it like a racoon on crystal meth so he stacks the dishwasher. I cannot abide feeding the dogs smelly dog food so he does that and I pick up the dog poo in the garden because I prefer that. Neither of us said 'You have to do it like this according to my rules'. We talked about the things that matter to us and then divided up the chores. DH is as we speak medicating the pets and feeding them. After I stop faffing on MN I am going to clear out the kitty litter trays.

So he's already got one failed long term relationship behind him?

Not a good sign.

\it does sound as though he's offering himself up as some sort of prize you get to win if you behave yourself.

Why do you want to live with him? I'm guessing it's financial?

What if he gets worse? His 'conditions' are pissing you off already. It's not a good start is it. Also, you cant go by his version of events how 'lazy' his ex was. His perspective sounds rather scewed.

This would be a definite red light for me. Many years ago, I was married to a man who was absolutely determined that he would be providing an increasingly long list of "how things must be done ". This list included which way nappy pins must be pointed when fixing the baby's nappy, how many potatoes must be prepared for when his (equally controlling) mother came to lunch and why he needed to consult with our village hairdresser over how he must cut my hair, as he (husband) had to look at it. After five years of this, I initiated divorce proceedings which were successful. The absence of being chivvied by him was blissful.

He wants to make sure your compatible.

He wants to live in a tidy fashion, and you are untidy and disorganised- however he is being dictatorial, and more like an annoyed headteacher.

Do you want such a person?

You won't change, so there would be a lot of nagging and petty arguements.

Run a mile!

Loves trumps everything is naive. Him checking that you have compatible habits is completely reasonable. You should be doing the same. It's called being an adult.

There will be things that you each will agree to compromise on and others which are deal breakers.

Dump him, OP.

Things aren't going to get better from here on out, he's showing you clearly who he is and you should believe it the first time, as the saying goes.

Someone who loves you and is a good partner would not belittle you for not getting around to fixing something. That's just life! He sounds like a controlling dickbag and you can do so much better. If he has hang ups because of his ex, that's his problem and you don't know her side of the story anyway.

Run for the hills!

I'd start drawing up your own list of his annoying habits haha! Seriously though, living with someone is ALWAYS going to involve some compromise and tolerating each others ways - my DH still leaves cupboards and drawers open which used to drive me mad but now I just close them (we've been married 35 years!) I have a habit of tidying up around him in the kitchen (he's messy) and occasionally have put away something before he's even used it 😬 we try and laugh about it, we're very different but if you love each other the good outweighs the bad!

It does sound like your partner might be a bit set in his ways and unwilling to compromise. Maybe give it some thought and talk some more before moving in?

I genuinely don’t see the issue 🤷🏼‍♀️ you will share space and he’s being open and honest about things that irk him. Rather than get the hump because you do things that others find annoying think of the things that would annoy you find a way forward together.

it would be an issue if he refused to agree to change anything you see as annoying but expected you to change the things he sees as annoying.

sounds like, thus far you do shit that annoys him but he is mature enough to realise it doesn’t affect / impact him so hasn’t mentioned it. Seems he has only brought it up because you mentioned living together. He didn’t just wake up with a list of you do these things and it annoys me.

im in the minority but I don’t think he is unreasonable, controlling or the red flag

@GlorificusT yes but we know from reading MN that love doesn’t trump all. Habits that are irrelevant when you don’t cohabit become irritating when you first move in together, and then after a couple of years they become grounds for homicide! He’s being very sensible to iron out these issues and talk them through before making a life changing commitment.

I think the problem is that you have been thinking about taking your relationship to a more serious level and he seems to have been compiling a mental list of your deficiencies. Working out some house rules in advance isn't a bad idea, and discussing finances is sensible if not romantic. Remember, particularly if he moves in with you, that you are doing him the favour.